He wants me back......now what?

[babyb900]

Ok so a while ago I broke up with my fiance.
Old threads about the situation:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=454884&highlight=

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=455238&highlight=

He moved out. I stay here in the apartment and mutual friend stays here with me.

Last Saturday, my ex and our friend thought I was missing (I did disappear for a long time ) and became very worried. My ex was really worried, calling friends, family, and eventually the police. It really shocked me that he was so worried about me, but I let everyone know that I was okay.

So, Tuesday I'm coming in the door and I overhear our friend on the phone saying "that sh** is cool and everything, but if she lets you come back, put your all in the relationship. Put 100% in it or don't come back! Give her all your attention and stop f**king lying to her, or you will be right back out the house son. And I ain't on nobody side, but this --"

I wanted to keep on being nosy, but I wasn't going to keep on being quiet and uncomfortable in my house. He hears me and gets off the phone suddenly, so I figured he was talking to my ex.

Thursday he asks "What are you doing Friday? (last night)" I wasn't planning doing anything, so he said "Good, keep it that way."


He insisted that I don't make any plans for Friday, that he wanted to talk to me. I'm thinking Oh God, he wants to get me and my ex back together.

So last night, I come home about 7-8ish and my house is candlelit. My ex is in the living room dressed up. He has a bouquet of flowers and I could smell food cooking. I'm say "What are you doing here?" and he says "[our friend] let me in. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to choose if I was here or not, and he really didn't want anything to do with this, but I had to see you."

So I'm a little apprehensive at first because I didn't know what he was going to do. He told me "Don't be afraid baby. I'm not here to hurt you."

I walk around the house. Its clean as heck! My house tends to be clean, but man, he had door knobs shining . I look to see what he was cooking; it was shrimp, green beans, and mashed potatoes. He even got the organic versions because he knows I am eating healthier.

He turns on the t.v. and puts on a dvd. Its "10 things I hate about you" with Heath Ledger, which is one of my favorite movies! He sets the table and puts my plate down, and waits for me to come over. I come and he leads us in prayer (something I always had to do) and begins to eat. (I at least had to see him eat some of the food before I did :sekret) Food was delicious as I expected; he can really cook. He tells me to go back to watching the movie and begins to clean the table.

I finally began to relax a little, but I was still wary of his intentions. He joins me on the couch and says "We'll talk after the movie." Once the credits start rolling, he mutes the television and turns to me. "Are you ready to talk?"



(Now I this isn't word for word, but this is basically what was said) "Bianca, I've been missing you, but been too pigheaded and proud to say anything. Last weekend when we thought something had happened to you, I realized how stupid I was about this entire situation. It also made me realize how I would feel if you were to be hurt. *sigh* I cant handle that."

"B, I should've never lied to you. I was too ashamed about my problem. Once I left, I got into counseling and have been going since I left. I've also returned back to the church and been talking to the deacon about it. those two combined have been really helping me realize what the root of the problem was and why I didn't think anything was wrong. (He's been exposed to porn since 5!! ) I've been working hard at curing my addiction."

"I am asking for your forgiveness. Not just for what happened last month, but for every f**ked up thing I've ever done to you. I just wanted to let you know I am getting help and will continue to do so and that I want you back. I'm giving this 100,000% of me if you take me back."

then he got on one knee, pulls out a totally new and even bigger engagement ring, and said "Also, I want to make you an honest woman. 'shacking up' is for girlfriends, not the love of my life. I am asking you again for your hand in marriage. But this time, I wont see you as upgrading to permanent girlfriend. I will see you as and treat you as my future wife, my other half, the future mother of my children, and my everything."

"However, I will understand if you are still mad at me and still didn't want to be with me. I hurt you and you don't owe me a damn thing. If you feel that way, then all I am asking you for is forgiveness."


I was dumbfounded. I just sat there try to take in everything he said to me. I told him this was a lot at once, I would have to think about it and I'd get back to him once I made a decision.

I miss him too and he is getting help, but I don't want to fall for some bull-ish. I want to be sure he will stay this way and isn't on his best behavior for no reason.

Just wanted some input on the situation. What would you think or do?

 

[fattyfatfat]

does he have a brother? nephew? uncle?

I dont know too much about the past situation, but keep a close eye on him to see if he has truly changed.

 

[Bellamystic]

Wow. It seems we are going through almost the same thing. My BF is addicted to porn and now he's trying to get help from the pastor. I hope everything works out in your behalf.

 

[LongTimeComing]

If you want to go ahead and do this I would suggest pre-marital counseling with the same pastor he's going to now.


ETA:

And strictly enforce the no shacking, continued counseling, and church involvement. Maybe some strong men in the church can help guide him into manhood.

 

[CoutureMe06]

What do you think you should do??

 

[MissYocairis]

I don't really know all the details of the past...but, can I just say...I was moved by how he expressed himself to you. It was beautiful. I wish you both success regardless to what you decide.

 

[Skyfall]

Believe in him, but also watch him.
Take babysteps; treat the relationship as if your starting over somewhat. I would say not to live together again this time until you get married.
all this if you do decide to take him back

 

[dinanicole]

I say give it a shot. Worse that can happen is you call it off again you've already been through that so you will be able to handle it better. At least now you know you won't be wondering what if? you know?.

Do it girlie!
I agree with the pre-maritial counseling advice as well.

 

[locabouthair]

^I agree. All I can say is actions speak louder than words. So look more at what he does than what he says. Best of luck to you.

 

[Makenzie]

Wow, that was really touching. Even so, I'd take it slow. Start dating each other again before getting engaged again. I know you may be on cloud nine now, but still keep your eyes open, make sure his actions match his words, and listen to your gut.

Wish you the best, whatever you decide.

 

[-PYT]

That was lovely. Men will really pull out all the stops when they want something and this is perfect proof. I hope you take your time and pray for the best decision to make how bout a pic of the ring if you see it again?

 

[Sasha299]

That's nice but tell him its too soon. Talk is cheap.
He needs to woo you back with more than one dinner - thoughts and actions. You need to see if you can learn to trust him again for all the actions he did. Take your time - there is no rush to accept the engagement ring again - that would be jumping in feet first. Take your time - if you feel like it - date him. Figure out what you need from him to learn to trust him again - if you can. Figure out what your breaking point is -if you want to rebuild and your non-negotiable is a relapse then spell it out. If at the start you need to know the passwords to all his accounts he should give it to you BUT know that you cannot indulge your need to check up on him all the time. If you are going to take him back you need to actively be working on rebuilding the hurt that he caused - you are going to need your own counseling.
I would say if get the feeling that he is lying to you or relapsing you need to know if you would walk because what you do NOW sets the background for your relationship for the rest of your life.
My advice, if you do get back with him do not live with him until you actually get married. If you choose to be intimate with him make him get up and leave and go to his own home. Many ladies tell me its unreasonable but I did it with DH for 5 years and it laid the ground work for our marriage. I was sympathetic but insistent and gentle with him.

PS - when you do get married a good portion of the bills need to be in his name too - he must be legally responsible for some of the too. The lease should be in both your names - make him responsible. That is what happens with equal partners. His credit is messed up? Well, he needs to man up, pay the deposit and put his name out there. He will need to rebuild his cred .

 

[Arcadian]

Its nice, the dinner, the wine, the flowers, the ring, but please use your head about all this and don't just go off of emotion.

Hold off on the engagement because the reality is, you need to mend what broke you up in the first place. An engagement at this point is sort of a bandaid.

Make him put his words into actions. He dosen't have to be a slave to you, but he SHOULD definitely be trying to move toward a future with you.

Both of you should definitely go into couples counseling. It would help to clear the air between you, so that if and when an argument happens, the old stuff stays where it belongs; in the past.


To that end, good luck to you. He sounds like he's sincere, but please take it slow.

-A

 

[sashaa]

OMG- my Ex is addicted to porn too- I am sure of it! I didnt realize how big of a problem this addiction is!! *smh* Church is a saving grace, I recommend joining him in counseling when he is ready and PRAY PRAY PRAY alot for the answers.

 

[ArrrBeee]

The following is taken from Boundaries in Dating- Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way there is no relationship.

Where there is deception, there is no relationship.

The real problem is that when you are with someone who is deceptive, you never know what reality is.

Deception about facts

• lying about whereabouts
• lying about finances
• lying about substance abuse
• lying about seeing or being with someone else
• lying about their past
• lying about their achievements
• other facts

If you are lied to:

1. Confront it.
2. Hear the response and see how much ownership and sorrow there is for the lying.
3. Try to figure out what the lying means in the relationship. If the person is afraid, guilty, or fears loss of love by you, then work on that dynamic and try to determine if the character issue is changing with more safety. But be careful.
4. Look at the level of repentance and change. How significantly is the person pursuing holiness and purity? How internally motivated is he or she to get better?
5. Is the change being sustained? Make sure you give it enough time. Just hearing "I'm sorry" is not good enough.
6. Look at the kind of lying it was. Was it to protect him or just to serve selfish ends? If it is the latter, face reality squarely that you are with a person who loves himself more than the truth and face what that means. If the former, think long and hard and have a good reason to continue."

 

[ArrrBeee]

You should also find out what the counseling consists of. If he is not working on the character issue of lying then that is a problem. You should also ask him if he is willing to join a men's accountability group and you need to be able to go with him to the counselor and find out if he has been transparent about ALL of the issues. He may be truly sincere and seeking change, but remember an addiction isn't just shaken by good intentions, a clean house and a chat with the deacon.

 

[babyb900]

does he have a brother? nephew? uncle?

I dont know too much about the past situation, but keep a close eye on him to see if he has truly changed.

Yeah, I'm asking our friend about his true intentions and I'm trying to get another girl friend to keep an eye out on him. She's close to him, but closer to me

Wow. It seems we are going through almost the same thing. My BF is addicted to porn and now he's trying to get help from the pastor. I hope everything works out in your behalf.

thanks. I wish you the best as well.

Maybe he should see someone else too. My ex said he got both so he could have the religious help but he didn't want his recovery to be saturated with religion. It helps not to always have God involved in it.

What do you think you should do??

take the ring and run

I think I should take him back, but take it slooooowwww. I probably wont accept the ring for a couple months. Also, I would like us to get pre-marital counseling, and to possibly sit in and observe on his sessions with the deacon and the counselor. I don't know if I can do the latter.

That was lovely. Men will really pull out all the stops when they want something and this is perfect proof. I hope you take your time and pray for the best decision to make how bout a pic of the ring if you see it again?

It was like something out a movie. I always tell my little sister when a man wants you, he will jump through hoops to prove it too her.

That's nice but tell him its too soon. Talk is cheap.
He needs to woo you back with more than one dinner - thoughts and actions. You need to see if you can learn to trust him again for all the actions he did. Take your time - there is no rush to accept the engagement ring again - that would be jumping in feet first. Take your time - if you feel like it - date him. Figure out what you need from him to learn to trust him again - if you can. Figure out what your breaking point is -if you want to rebuild and your non-negotiable is a relapse then spell it out. If at the start you need to know the passwords to all his accounts he should give it to you BUT know that you cannot indulge your need to check up on him all the time. If you are going to take him back you need to actively be working on rebuilding the hurt that he caused - you are going to need your own counseling.
I would say if get the feeling that he is lying to you or relapsing you need to know if you would walk because what you do NOW sets the background for your relationship for the rest of your life.
My advice, if you do get back with him do not live with him until you actually get married. If you choose to be intimate with him make him get up and leave and go to his own home. Many ladies tell me its unreasonable but I did it with DH for 5 years and it laid the ground work for our marriage. I was sympathetic but insistent and gentle with him.

PS - when you do get married a good portion of the bills need to be in his name too - he must be legally responsible for some of the too. The lease should be in both your names - make him responsible. That is what happens with equal partners. His credit is messed up? Well, he needs to man up, pay the deposit and put his name out there. He will need to rebuild his cred .

Its nice, the dinner, the wine, the flowers, the ring, but please use your head about all this and don't just go off of emotion.

Hold off on the engagement because the reality is, you need to mend what broke you up in the first place. An engagement at this point is sort of a bandaid.

Make him put his words into actions. He dosen't have to be a slave to you, but he SHOULD definitely be trying to move toward a future with you.

Both of you should definitely go into couples counseling. It would help to clear the air between you, so that if and when an argument happens, the old stuff stays where it belongs; in the past.


To that end, good luck to you. He sounds like he's sincere, but please take it slow.

-A

You should also find out what the counseling consists of. If he is not working on the character issue of lying then that is a problem. You should also ask him if he is willing to join a men's accountability group and you need to be able to go with him to the counselor and find out if he has been transparent about ALL of the issues. He may be truly sincere and seeking change, but remember an addiction isn't just shaken by good intentions, a clean house and a chat with the deacon.

thank all three of you very much.

I wanted a realistic view of this instead of going off emotions and looking at everything through rose colored glasses. that night was great but that was one night. I have to see more. I just wonder how long he could keep up an act if thats what this is, and if he hurts me again.......:hardslap:

 

[Bunny77]

Believe in him, but also watch him.
Take babysteps; treat the relationship as if your starting over somewhat. I would say not to live together again this time until you get married.
all this if you do decide to take him back

I like this and what Sasha said. ArrBee and Arcadian too.

I give him credit for making the effort, so that's a plus. At the same time, men always do the, "please, baby baby please," thing immediately after a breakup... so the key is to make sure he backs that up with long-term action!

The counseling is also a good idea.

But again, take your time. You don't have to decide immediately and if he is genuine, he should allow you all the time you need to make a decision. Good luck!

 

[panamoni]

Sounds like he's comitted to changing and has taken some concrete initial steps. However, I would say take it slow. To know if he's truly changed, you'll have to have some time to see his actions in motion.

If he's developed unhealthy practices since the age of 5, it's going to take him a long time to truly change. Seems like he has some awareness of his problem and the impetus now, which is great, but the road to recovery takes time.

I wish you the best.