He Cheated Anyway

[Guitarhero]

In light of all the discussions on cheating, choosing mates irresponsibly, catching std's and/or prevention using protection within marriage, failed marriages ending in divorce etc., I'm including a poll to find out if you know married people, friends or family, who suddenly are in trouble now and no one would have previously suspected the end of a marriage due to cheating.

I think it's important as women to know how to view your options, your place, your safety, just all-around in and out of relationships. But I'm mainly going to focus on just how many people here have gone through such or know others who have that are close to them. What do you think? Do you know your spouse or someone else's spouse is cheating? What have you or would you do to rectify this situation? Have you gone to counseling? Did you ever feel it couldn't happen to you?

 

[JustKiya]

I 'know' an 'ex-friend' who cheated on her husband two days after they got married. Note the 'ex-ness' of the friendship.

People don't tell me that they cheat though. They know me better, I think.

 

[ambergirl]

I think the data shows that a majority of men and a fair number of women cheat...

I think it also depends on what you mean by cheating. I know a married dude who popped his cork while getting a fully clothed lap dance at a Vegas club...is that cheating?

Or what about emotional cheating?

Basically in my mind, there is ALOT of cheating going on.

 

[ThickHair]

Former BFF, now aquantance, her husband cheated before they got married and continues to cheat and she loves him and thinks he will change. This is going on 14 years now and she is a total wreck and he continues to do what he does, because she is well aware and has solid proof (I have seen it with my own eyes. It has to do with him recording sessions of mic checks). Oh well, she is a glutton for punishment, that is why she is an aquantance now, because my BFF wouldn't be so dumb.

 

[JustKiya]

I think the data shows that a majority of men and a fair number of women cheat...

I think it also depends on what you mean by cheating. I know a married dude who popped his cork while getting a fully clothed lap dance at a Vegas club...is that cheating?

Or what about emotional cheating?

Basically in my mind, there is ALOT of cheating going on.

I think it depends on the boundaries of each relationship. Personally, I wouldn't consider the lap dance situation cheating, but I would give DH a major 'ewwwww!' face over it. Some women would consider the fact that he got a lapdance, period, as cheating.

I never really understood the concept of emotional cheating. I should go check out that 'Which is worse' thread to see if I can get a handle on it.

 

[Almaz]

You can be careful as hell and you just never know there REALLY IS no answer. You can make all the right moves ask the right questions and do your best to make the right decisions People will still cheat

Period

and I would be ghost

 

[deltagyrl]

I think it depends on the boundaries of each relationship. Personally, I wouldn't consider the lap dance situation cheating, but I would give DH a major 'ewwwww!' face over it. Some women would consider the fact that he got a lapdance, period, as cheating.

I never really understood the concept of emotional cheating. I should go check out that 'Which is worse' thread to see if I can get a handle on it.

Your posts always crack me up.


I'm becoming jaded in my old age... Everywhere I turn, I see folx cheating.

 

[JustKiya]

Your posts always crack me up.


I'm becoming jaded in my old age... Everywhere I turn, I see folx cheating.

What? It has to do largely with my understanding/concept of 'friendship', I think. I suspect that according to most people, almost any post-marriage friendship with a member of the opposite sex could stray into 'emotional' cheating.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

*sigh*
I just don't know.
I know of very few couples (probably 1 or two) that I don't know that one is cheatingand/or has cheated before.
The other couples could be going through infedility, I just don't know about it.
Several variables are included in if I will/won't leave.
Every woman wants to act like they'd just leave, but I can honestly say depending on the situations and other things (kids, how the rel was going, whether I had a part etc) I would have to evaulate it on a case-by-case basis

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

What? It has to do largely with my understanding/concept of 'friendship', I think. I suspect that according to most people, almost any post-marriage friendship with a member of the opposite sex could stray into 'emotional' cheating.

Sadly, I agree.
I think MANY women have emotional affairs but they just aren't documented because we are "smarter" cheaters

 

[kweenameena]

putting my busines out there to say that you just NEVER know!

I married the quiet, good, smart, Christian, guy. He ended up being a nightmare. No one EVER suspected that he could possibly do have of the triflin' things he did. Even my bff would dismiss my suspicions because in her mind "he was not that type of guy". Long story short, we are divorcing because he was is a garden tool. He apologized, got us counseling and even cried...when I finally got to the point that I wanted to try to consider forgiving him for the sake of my child and keeping the family together.....he went to Iraq to make more money for himself, said that he found God but that God told him that he had another family out there for him and he never should've started one with me so he chooses not to work on us anymore, and he just became an all-around lying fool.
No....I never saw this coming. Ever. Everything about him changed. Sometimes you can do everything possible to make sure you have the right man.The one that won't cheat you, beat you or disrespect you....and then still end up with him.

ETA: We are now in the midst of a divorce.

 

[dinanicole]

^^^ Damn.... (Sending you love) <3

 

[Ivonnovi]

putting my busines out there to say that you just NEVER know!

I married the quiet, good, smart, Christian, guy. .......he ...said that he found God but that God told him that he had another family out there for him and he never should've started one with me so he chooses not to work on us anymore, and he just became an all-around lying fool.
No....I never saw this coming. Ever. Everything about him changed. Sometimes you can do everything possible to make sure you have the right man.The one that won't cheat you, beat you or disrespect you....and then still end up with him.

ETA: We are now in the midst of a divorce.

HE had to have fallen prey to the RJV bible (Rick James Version)​

SMH.....wow

 

[MaryJane3000]

In light of all the discussions on cheating, choosing mates irresponsibly, catching std's and/or prevention using protection within marriage, failed marriages ending in divorce etc., I'm including a poll to find out if you know married people, friends or family, who suddenly are in trouble now and no one would have previously suspected the end of a marriage due to cheating.

I think it's important as women to know how to view your options, your place, your safety, just all-around in and out of relationships. But I'm mainly going to focus on just how many people here have gone through such or know others who have that are close to them. What do you think? Do you know your spouse or someone else's spouse is cheating? What have you or would you do to rectify this situation? Have you gone to counseling? Did you ever feel it couldn't happen to you?

I actually had a friend who i let post on this forum under my name a while back when I first joined LHCF. I never thought I'd be posting in the relationship forum so I didnt care. But her relationship was a verbally abusive one that made her feel bad about herself and was coupled with cheating. She stayed because she thought it could get better, and it did and he really did change his ways, but she couldn't let go of her resentment. And I think that has a big part in it. Can you really let go and forgive someone who's hurt you so many times?

I think that there's a lot of cheating out there because people aren't secure enough with themselves, lack maturity, or the relationship is missing something (mainly communication).

If my current boyfriend was to cheat on me and I find out, I think I may have to chuck the duece. Although I do think that some relationships can survive cheating as long as you can figure out what caused it and that person does whats necessary to get your trust back. It'll take time and it'll be hard but I think it can be done.

If i was married though, I don't know if I could forgive so easily. I feel that when people cheat on the person they're married to they broke a vow that you two made with God. And you willing to risk all that you built regarding your marriage and your family (especially if children are involved) just shows how selfish you are. I dont think I'd want to be married to someone like that because obviously our morals are too different. Although I probably should be able to try and forgive and work it out because they are my husband.

IDK, I think cheating it usually too complicated for it to be so cut and dry. I think it always depends on the circumstance.

 

[kandake]

I'm including a poll to find out if you know married people, friends or family, who suddenly are in trouble now and no one would have previously suspected the end of a marriage due to cheating.

This is what happened to me. My story was somewhat similar to kweenamenna. My Ex was a very good guy, church going, smart and adored me. In fact, I married him because I thought he was one of the most loyal people I had ever met. We dated for 3 years and I had no reason suspect any different. Well of course I was wrong about that.

We've been divorced for almost two years and separated a total of three years and people (including myself) are still baffled by what happened. And I'm talking about his family, his friends, our mutual friends from college, etc. No one would have pegged him as that "type" of guy.

Now, I think I'm totally screwed up in terms of how to judge men.

 

[dlewis]

That's sad kweenamenna and Kandake.

I had a dream recently that DH was cheating and hit him in my sleep. I thought about that for days.

I believe emotional cheating is just as bad, maybe worse than physical cheating.

 

[deltagyrl]

That's sad kweenamenna and Kandake.

I had a dream recently that DH was cheating and hit him in my sleep. I thought about that for days.

I believe emotional cheating is just as bad, maybe worse than physical cheating.

D, do you really think emotional is worse than physical? Why?

 

[dlewis]

For me to know that my husband opened up to someone like he does with me would mean he values and loves that person. When you give your heart to someone, when you love someone that's very different.

Sex can be just sex. Being intimate with someone is something very very special. I think I would be heartbroken if I found out DH had that type of relationship with someone else.

 

[deltagyrl]

I was just asking. I agree. Knowing that your spouse or SO connected like that with someone else is devastating. Still happens though.

 

[Lucie]

I don't think because a person cheats, they are BAD. They've done something bad but it shouldn't define their entire being. I have cheated several times, and don't consider myself a bad person. People cheat for different reasons. I didn't cheat because I didn't love my husband. Quite the contrary. I cheated because I didn't love me. I didn't believe one man could love me totally. I always needed a safety net in case things didn't work out. I cheated because I didn't have good self-esteem. So when a man, would give me attention, like a moth to a flame, I couldn't resist and that often ended up in sex.

No one suspected I was the type. Living a dual life. I am sure many were shocked. I went to counseling one time with DH. We didn't return because I felt judged. What helped me was talking to non-judgmental people who could relate. Reading many different books about how to heal my past. And realizing, why I was doing what I was doing. This helped me take a good look at who Lucie was and who she could be.

Sometimes, I wonder if my husband has cheated on me. I can't say either way (because no one is perfect) but I do know despite all that I've put him through, he is good to me and I am happy he was not so quick to dump me like so many other people would have.

 

[ambergirl]

kweenameena and kandake unfortunately your stories are not that rare. As far as I can tell when it comes to cheating there's not much difference between the Christian, good guys and the heathen, bad boys. In fact, sometimes I think the holier then thous are more likely to cheat because one reason they're religious is to try and exorcise those demons.

My heart goes out to both you. There's nothing worse then trying to make the best decision for yourself in choosing a mate only to be sideswiped with cheating and lying.

 

[MissYocairis]

Former BFF, now aquantance, her husband cheated before they got married and continues to cheat and she loves him and thinks he will change. This is going on 14 years now and she is a total wreck and he continues to do what he does, because she is well aware and has solid proof (I have seen it with my own eyes. It has to do with him recording sessions of mic checks). Oh well, she is a glutton for punishment, that is why she is an aquantance now, because my BFF wouldn't be so dumb.

Dang. You mean you cut a friend off because her husband cheated on her and she's in denial about it? Wow. That's taking it to a whole new level isn't it? Do you also cut off friends who have close relatives in jail?

 

[Guitarhero]

I truly wish to thank y'all that this was so well received. Everyone talks about the safety and support of marriage and I think we've largely lost that these days. It might be that marriage was never that safe, it's just that women had few options. I can definitely see that a good marriage has far more benefits than single parenthood and even for one's health later in life.

 

[deltagyrl]

Lucie, thanks for being honest. I was the OW once during a long separation from my (soon to be) ex husband. I know that it was wrong so I'll make no excuse about that.

He was an old SO, wasn't married but was in a relationship. It was VERY intense. I had to walk away. I still think about him and smile, though.

We shared things with each other that we never told our spouses. He shared things that he's never told his SO.

IMO, emotional & physical cheating is usually the death knell for most relationships.

 

[Guitarhero]

putting my busines out there to say that you just NEVER know!

I married the quiet, good, smart, Christian, guy. He ended up being a nightmare. No one EVER suspected that he could possibly do have of the triflin' things he did. Even my bff would dismiss my suspicions because in her mind "he was not that type of guy". Long story short, we are divorcing because he was is a garden tool. He apologized, got us counseling and even cried...when I finally got to the point that I wanted to try to consider forgiving him for the sake of my child and keeping the family together.....he went to Iraq to make more money for himself, said that he found God but that God told him that he had another family out there for him and he never should've started one with me so he chooses not to work on us anymore, and he just became an all-around lying fool.
No....I never saw this coming. Ever. Everything about him changed. Sometimes you can do everything possible to make sure you have the right man.The one that won't cheat you, beat you or disrespect you....and then still end up with him.

ETA: We are now in the midst of a divorce.

You need a big bouquet of roses!!!!! No wonder we women are saying "yes" to planned children with no father (career professionals I'm talking who get inseminated or otherwise just for that purpose) or are walking away from horrible non-unions. I think that in the past, when marriages were largely arranged by our parents and the whole family, it was harder to walk away because you'd get no support from anybody, emotional, financial etc. to help in the journey. People stayed together to save face when they knew they were miserable at home. Now that we choose our own mates, I think it's easier to just say "***" it and move on. We have more educational and economic options. Shoot, now we have to because our men are defecting like lemmings off a cliff. Sighhhhhh

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I've been cheated on before (their union was both emotional and sexual) and I can't begin to explain to you ladies how bad it HURTS.
It comes second to the death of my mother.
Pure heartbreak.

Knowing that, I will try my BEST to not do that to the one I love

 

[YankeeCandle]

Thank you, Lucie. That was powerful.

Good poll, Creole, but I wanted to see an option along the lines of "I strongly believe he won't cheat, but people make mistakes."

I have mentally prepared myself for all manner of hurt and devastation that we people can visit on each other, and mentally prepared myself that it could come from anyone including my SO and siblings-- with the very notable exception of the uncanonized saint who gave birth to me. You could push me over with a feather if my mother ever intentionlly did anything to hurt me.

Being human, we understand that we are about to do harm and that it will hurt others, even ones we love, but we still do it anyway. I think that will go on as long we do.

So, yes, mentally I am prepared that my loved one could step out of our monogamous relationship. I am even mentally prepared that given certain circumstances, I could breach my own code of honor and step out on the one I pledged monogamy to.

But I don't think I could ever be prepared for it emotionally. I can talk about it dispassionately now because I feel enveloped in love and tenderness. But if the day ever came, I'd probably be almost as blindsided as those who so generously shared their stories above (kweena, kandake, etc). So, don't worry, ladies---even those who cynically expected the worst will feel the same pain you did/do. We're in this together.

 

[deltagyrl]

I've been cheated on before (their union was both emotional and sexual) and I can't begin to explain to you ladies how bad it HURTS.
It comes second to the death of my mother.
Pure heartbreak.

Knowing that, I will try my BEST to not do that to the one I love

That. He cheated on me emotionally & physically with another woman. I was devastated then I flew into a blind rage. It was bad. Dangerous, even.

In my quiet time I remember crying a deep, guttural cry. I sobbed and slept, then sobbed and slept some more. I was devastated that my husband would do that to me. It gets worse but I'll keep the sordid details to myself. I feel like an arse for staying for as long as I did...trying to mend what I didn't break. I never looked at him the same again and we never recovered from that...

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

That. He cheated on me emotionally & physically with another woman. I was devastated then I flew into a blind rage. It was bad. Dangerous, even.

In my quiet time I remember crying a deep, guttural cry. I sobbed and slept, then sobbed and slept some more. I was devastated that my husband would do that to me. It gets worse but I'll keep the sordid details to myself. I feel like an arse for staying for as long as I did...trying to mend what I didn't break. I never looked at him the same again and we never recovered from that...

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Yes,
Girl.
Beyonce in that Gaga video explained it perfectly.
Gaga told her trust was like a mirror and it could be put back to gether...
Bee said "But you can still see the cracks in the muthaf*cka"
That's how I felt when I saw him.
I don't know why I stayed, but the "cracks" were too much.
Then, he gave me his asc to kiss. No, I wasn't the perfect woman (not cooking, working a lot, no sex), but I didn't deserve what he did. Had an affair for a whole.year.
He coulda left, but he didn't. Selfish.
Because of this, I went into an EXTREME rage as well.
Even to this day, I piece together lies on top of lies that he told me.
I think I am a very emotionally healthy person, but being cheated on...boy... that ish is not for the birds.

I went through a stage of wanting to cheat, but finally realized that that would make me just as bad as him, and that too would come back on him

ETA: karma did him right (REAL right actually)

 

[Sasha299]

Ladies who've been cheated on. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. My experience on the other hand was as the child of a cheater - my mom tried to hide it from us but we KNEW. There was a lot of other disfunction in that relationship but it affected us. It contributed to our impaired ability to trust. Do I trust my DH? As much as I am capable of trusting someone. If he were to cheat and I find out it would be the death of any relationship esp since we have a child now. I know what I went through as a child and though many people are hesitant to leave a bad relationship because of a child (or children) it would be the impetus for me to leave.

Ladies - NEVER stay in a relationship for the child. They know when a relationship is wrong and will forever be screwed up by your staying. I know my sisters and I are horribly messed up and we have so many issues that its hard for us to develop close relationships on any level.