BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
So sorry this happened to you. I pray peace to your head and heart.
Pre Marital Counseling
- Thread starter Country gal
- Start date
We didn't have any. We got married and were like "ok we're here, what next"
I think pre-marital counseling is good but it still can't replicate actually being in a marriage. I don't know if marriages do better or not with or without it. I think it's more the people and their committment to marriage. Think 50 years ago, folks didn't get marriage counseling, they just got married and had to figure it out. That's pretty much what dh and I did, we figured it out together.
I wonder though how much pre-martial counseling can really help a couple that's in young, idealistic and sincerely want to marry? I mean it's easy to gloss over issues that seem "small" and say what they want to hear so you can get the go ahead to get married.
I like the idea of pre-engagement counseling
I think pre-marital counseling is good but it still can't replicate actually being in a marriage. I don't know if marriages do better or not with or without it. I think it's more the people and their committment to marriage. Think 50 years ago, folks didn't get marriage counseling, they just got married and had to figure it out. That's pretty much what dh and I did, we figured it out together.
I wonder though how much pre-martial counseling can really help a couple that's in young, idealistic and sincerely want to marry? I mean it's easy to gloss over issues that seem "small" and say what they want to hear so you can get the go ahead to get married.
I like the idea of pre-engagement counseling
NaturallyBlonde
New Member
I went through it when I got married and I didn't like it. And it surely didn't change anything in my marriage.
We got it from the pastor of the church we got married at. He said some things that had us both lookin at each other like "WTF"... namely "you will no longer be single, so you can not have single friends" and something to the effect of when each of us goes through our midlife crisis, cheating is expected and should be forgiven. Ummmm *Scooby Doo confused face* wut?? Naw.
We got it from the pastor of the church we got married at. He said some things that had us both lookin at each other like "WTF"... namely "you will no longer be single, so you can not have single friends" and something to the effect of when each of us goes through our midlife crisis, cheating is expected and should be forgiven. Ummmm *Scooby Doo confused face* wut?? Naw.
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
What the sunshiny hell? From a PASTOR!?!?!
Well, we see what he thinks of marriage vows. Wow. That just blows my mind. 
alexstin
Well-Known Member
NaturallyBlonde
New Member
Yeah that's what I thought too. As soon as we got to the car I gave him a look and he already knew. I can't remember any of the other oddball stuff he said, those 2 really stuck out.
reallynow
Well-Known Member
We did couples counseling AND premarital counseling. My only stipulation was I did not want to do counseling with a minister, I wanted a professional. Luckily the church we were married in had a member who provided counseling. She was great! We hit a rough patch about 2 yrs in and went back to her. I highly recommend it, we had put everything on the table for the most part in couples counseling, but our premarital counseling gave us some tools to use in our marriage.
My only stipulation was I did not want to do counseling with a minister, I wanted a professional. Luckily the church we were married in had a member who provided counseling. She was great! We hit a rough patch about 2 yrs in and went back to her. I highly recommend it, we had put everything on the table for the most part in couples counseling, but our premarital counseling gave us some tools to use in our marriage.
reallynow
Well-Known Member
Thus the reason I did not want a minister, bishop, whatever handling my counseling. The pastor I grew up with was hurt that we didn't at least do a session or two with him, but I was not having it. Talk to me when the your doctorate is in psychology!
Aviah
Well-Known Member
ajoyfuljoy
Well-Known Member
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
I think pre-engagement counseling is a great idea. Counseling after I'm already engaged kinda defeats the purpose. But I'd be sure to do it from a professional.
But I'd be sure to do it from a professional.
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
ScorpioBeauty09 said:I think pre-engagement counseling is a great idea. Counseling after I'm already engaged kinda defeats the purpose.
I had a friend who went through the book, 101 Questions to Ask Before Getting Engaged. By the time they actually were engaged, there were no surprises.
DarkVictory
Well-Known Member
It was required by DH's Quaker Meeting where we married.
We had what they call a Clearness Committee: a couple who'd been married for 25+ years, a divorced woman, the male half of another interracial couple, and the administrator of the Meeting, who's known DH since birth.
This particular Meeting had no pastor, so if any one of these folks thought we weren't ready, they could have sent us back to work on things before agreeing to marry us under care of the Meeting.
They really grilled us, but it was a positive experience overall and I'm very glad we did it.
Ideally they ask "make you think" questions rather than "give the right answer" type. "What do you see as the biggest problem you'll have to deal with together?" "Aside from being in love, what are three OTHER reasons you want to marry this particular person?"
Yes, yes!
We had what they call a Clearness Committee: a couple who'd been married for 25+ years, a divorced woman, the male half of another interracial couple, and the administrator of the Meeting, who's known DH since birth.
This particular Meeting had no pastor, so if any one of these folks thought we weren't ready, they could have sent us back to work on things before agreeing to marry us under care of the Meeting.
They really grilled us, but it was a positive experience overall and I'm very glad we did it.
We didn't have any. We got married and were like "ok we're here, what next"
I think pre-marital counseling is good but it still can't replicate actually being in a marriage. I don't know if marriages do better or not with or without it. I think it's more the people and their committment to marriage. Think 50 years ago, folks didn't get marriage counseling, they just got married and had to figure it out. That's pretty much what dh and I did, we figured it out together.
I wonder though how much pre-martial counseling can really help a couple that's in young, idealistic and sincerely want to marry? I mean it's easy to gloss over issues that seem "small" and say what they want to hear so you can get the go ahead to get married.
Ideally they ask "make you think" questions rather than "give the right answer" type. "What do you see as the biggest problem you'll have to deal with together?" "Aside from being in love, what are three OTHER reasons you want to marry this particular person?"
I like the idea of pre-engagement counseling
Yes, yes!
Nefertiti0906
Well-Known Member
I'm going through it right now and I really feel it's useless, rather this particular set of counselors are not the most effective. They spent a majority of the session focusing on whether we were truly "saved" rather than focusing on marriage issues.
Country gal
Well-Known Member
I forgot I started this thread.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
@p31woman is that you in your avatar or Tamera Mowrey(sp?)... if its you, you're so pretty.
The only premaritial counseling we had was from family. I guess that doesnt count as anything to most but it worked for us.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
I recommend it and yes we did it partially. My DH is the type of guy who will sit down and talk about anything with me and a neutral party. I on the other have a great disdain about sharing personal information with judgemental or just nosy people.
My church's minister of marriage was very much just that. He was overly protective of me but also overly "Man vs Woman". We both read that to mean he didn't know DH and since he wasn't a member he wasn't good enough. Coupled with sense that a woman like me needed to be handled...as if he had someone else in mind for the job.
DH almost got up and walked out...especially when he mandated we move into separate residences until the wedding. We later met with my actual pastor and it was sooo much better.
We wound up not finishing the counseling at my church but instead realized we could do better if we counseled ourselves for this particular type of counseling. This was my church and I was just not game to "finally" have them know all my personal business. And that first minister was really asking questions I felt were not needed (so who do you work for and now what does that pay? to how many times we've had sex
)
We wound up getting married at DH's church and my business stayed mine and our business stayed ours.
I guess my advice would be know your choice of counsel, you can go somewhere completely neutral where you are not personally known. That's what we should have done. But don't go somewhere the counselor comes off as biased or...a bit too interested.
My church's minister of marriage was very much just that. He was overly protective of me but also overly "Man vs Woman". We both read that to mean he didn't know DH and since he wasn't a member he wasn't good enough. Coupled with sense that a woman like me needed to be handled...as if he had someone else in mind for the job.
DH almost got up and walked out...especially when he mandated we move into separate residences until the wedding. We later met with my actual pastor and it was sooo much better.
We wound up not finishing the counseling at my church but instead realized we could do better if we counseled ourselves for this particular type of counseling. This was my church and I was just not game to "finally" have them know all my personal business. And that first minister was really asking questions I felt were not needed (so who do you work for and now what does that pay? to how many times we've had sex
)We wound up getting married at DH's church and my business stayed mine and our business stayed ours.
I guess my advice would be know your choice of counsel, you can go somewhere completely neutral where you are not personally known. That's what we should have done. But don't go somewhere the counselor comes off as biased or...a bit too interested.
Last edited:
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
We had pre-maritial counseling at my church. My pastor, who had only been at my church for about a year at the time did the sessions. I already had a problem with him because of his inability to preach a coherent sermon, but that's another story. Anyway, he had a bad habit of only talking to my husband. For example, he consistently would ask me a question and as I was talking, he would cut me off and ask my husband the same question. It got to the point where I would just respond "yes" or "no" because I realized he had no interest in my opinion.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Yuck. Some one who obviously has no respect for women and their views teaching a couple about marriage? Um No.
Oneprettypa
New Member
I ABSOLUTELY think pre-marital counseling is a must!!! DH and I had been together for 5 years prior to getting married, so when I asked him if he wanted to go to counseling he said no. We both had the mindset of "we've made it this long, what's someone else going to tell us about us?" very young, very dumb way of thinking... So we've been married 2.5 years now and we both agree that not going to counseling was a mistake. We've since gone through our Pastor and we've learned how to communicate better and it provides a safe (not as in violent but safe as in open) and structured environment to say what you want and to get a neutral unbiased, experienced opinion. It also provided an opportunity to talk about things that you've never thought about before... Just my two cents... 
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
Yuck. Some one who obviously has no respect for women and their views teaching a couple about marriage? Um No.
Oh, he's something all right. He and my father got into an argument one time because in my father's words, "He thought he could talk to me the way he talks to his wife."
MizAvalon
Well-Known Member
Here I am a year later and FH and I are going to the Marriage Success Training Seminar. I wanted something that was skills based and taught by a professional. Nothing religious based, getting counseled by a pastor whose area of expertise is not marriage.
If we feel we need to, we will follow up with some sort of pre-marital counseling but I think this will lay a great foundation for us.
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
PopLife
Well-Known Member
SO and I are doing pre-engagment counseling right now and I'm starting to regret it. I feel like the counselor is biased towards my SO.
I thought that therapist weren't suppose to take sides...but it's clear that every issue I bring up she sides with him by trivializing my issue and disregarding my feelings.
I thought that therapist weren't suppose to take sides...but it's clear that every issue I bring up she sides with him by trivializing my issue and disregarding my feelings.
SincerelyJane
New Member
SO and I are doing pre-engagment counseling right now and I'm starting to regret it. I feel like the counselor is biased towards my SO.
I thought that therapist weren't suppose to take sides...but it's clear that every issue I bring up she sides with him by trivializing my issue and disregarding my feelings.
That must be so frustrating. I was going to ask how to go about choosing a therapist?
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