He Cheated Anyway

[ixoyegodisgood]

putting my busines out there to say that you just NEVER know!

I married the quiet, good, smart, Christian, guy. He ended up being a nightmare. No one EVER suspected that he could possibly do have of the triflin' things he did. Even my bff would dismiss my suspicions because in her mind "he was not that type of guy". Long story short, we are divorcing because he was is a garden tool. He apologized, got us counseling and even cried...when I finally got to the point that I wanted to try to consider forgiving him for the sake of my child and keeping the family together.....he went to Iraq to make more money for himself, said that he found God but that God told him that he had another family out there for him and he never should've started one with me so he chooses not to work on us anymore, and he just became an all-around lying fool.
No....I never saw this coming. Ever. Everything about him changed. Sometimes you can do everything possible to make sure you have the right man.The one that won't cheat you, beat you or disrespect you....and then still end up with him.

ETA: We are now in the midst of a divorce.

Sorry you are going through this <sigh> Post number 1,248 for why I need to be glad that I am single. As I've said before, what I read here reflects what I see IRL. Time to get a little tiny dog and call it a life. These types of posts don't make me discouraged, but they confirm what I already know/experienced/see.

 

[yellagirl730]

That. He cheated on me emotionally & physically with another woman. I was devastated then I flew into a blind rage. It was bad. Dangerous, even.

In my quiet time I remember crying a deep, guttural cry. I sobbed and slept, then sobbed and slept some more. I was devastated that my husband would do that to me. It gets worse but I'll keep the sordid details to myself. I feel like an arse for staying for as long as I did...trying to mend what I didn't break. I never looked at him the same again and we never recovered from that...

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I am going thru this right now, I have pretty much gotten thru all the pain and it is him that can't eat or sleep and having nightmares. I remember telling him that he would regret leaving me for the other woman and he now realizes it but its to late. I no longer want him.

 

[deltagyrl]

Yes,
Girl.
Beyonce in that Gaga video explained it perfectly.
Gaga told her trust was like a mirror and it could be put back to gether...
Bee said "But you can still see the cracks in the muthaf*cka"
That's how I felt when I saw him.
I don't know why I stayed, but the "cracks" were too much.
Then, he gave me his asc to kiss. No, I wasn't the perfect woman (not cooking, working a lot, no sex), but I didn't deserve what he did. Had an affair for a whole.year.
He coulda left, but he didn't. Selfish.
Because of this, I went into an EXTREME rage as well.
Even to this day, I piece together lies on top of lies that he told me.
I think I am a very emotionally healthy person, but being cheated on...boy... that ish is not for the birds.

I went through a stage of wanting to cheat, but finally realized that that would make me just as bad as him, and that too would come back on him

ETA: karma did him right (REAL right actually)

His lasted about 6 months or so. During that time I was pregnant and he was so mean to me. I keep thinking about that song that Billie Holiday sang in Lady Sings the Blues, 'Mean To me.'

I stayed in that toxic mess because I thought that was what I supposed to do. Suffer. Take it. Be strong. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Never again.

It did a number on me. I felt all the things we always feel. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Pity. Loathing.
I internalized it. Blamed myself. Maybe if I'd been ________ enough.
As you may well know, you start to disappear.
Then one day, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. Sure, I looked like myself but the eyes? The eyes were different.

I left before I totally disappeared. We tried to reconcile after the holidays but during counseling more lies came out and I thought: enough.

I filed and haven't looked back.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I don't know...If my husband cheated on me, and I know I would love him to the day that I die, I would just cheat too to even the score. Sometimes the hurt is that the relationship isn't equal. :shrugs: pure speculation here...

 

[AstroQueen77]

His lasted about 6 months or so. During that time I was pregnant and he was so mean to me. I keep thinking about that song that Billie Holiday sang in Lady Sings the Blues, 'Mean To me.'

I stayed in that toxic mess because I thought that was what I supposed to do. Suffer. Take it. Be strong. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Never again.

It did a number on me. I felt all the things we always feel. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Pity. Loathing.
I internalized it. Blamed myself. Maybe if I'd been ________ enough.
As you may well know, you start to disappear.
Then one day, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. Sure, I looked like myself but the eyes? The eyes were different.

I left before I totally disappeared. We tried to reconcile after the holidays but during counseling more lies came out and I thought: enough.

I filed and haven't looked back.

Sorry to hear that. I remember reading your thread about reconciling.

I've personally learned to not put my faith in any human being, even my husband. The only being I put total faith in, is God.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I don't think he HAS. I don't think he is NOW. I HOPE he doesn't.

The only person I have control over is me, so I can speak for me. I love my husband, but if he ever did cheat, he knows that's the end of us; so for me, it would mean he didn't want to be with me anymore. I'm okay with that, as I am EXTREMELY resistant to being somewhere or with someone where I'm not wanted.

*hugs* to everyone going through. *sigh*

 

[Radianthealth]

I voted I'm not sure.

I trust DH but there is no way for me to predict the future. I believe we have enough respect for each other not to do something so risky.

At this point for me (in my head) cheating (sexually) would be a deal breaker.


ITA LisaLisa

 

[ambergirl]

I've been cheated on before (their union was both emotional and sexual) and I can't begin to explain to you ladies how bad it HURTS.It comes second to the death of my mother.
Pure heartbreak.

Knowing that, I will try my BEST to not do that to the one I love

That. He cheated on me emotionally & physically with another woman. I was devastated then I flew into a blind rage. It was bad. Dangerous, even.

In my quiet time I remember crying a deep, guttural cry. I sobbed and slept, then sobbed and slept some more. I was devastated that my husband would do that to me. It gets worse but I'll keep the sordid details to myself. I feel like an arse for staying for as long as I did...trying to mend what I didn't break. I never looked at him the same again and we never recovered from that...

I'm sorry this happened to you.

The bolded is why I can't imagine remaining in a relationship where my partner cheated. I could not stay with a person who would willingly and knowingly inflict that kind of pain on me.

I had a man who cheated on me as well and his excuse was that it wasn't about me, it was about the cirucmstance he found himself in....well why wasn't it about me??? How could you do that knowing how much it would hurt me? Like that Braxton song "love should have brought you home last night". If you were willing to damage my heart then really, how much do you love me? Not enough.

 

[Guitarhero]

I do know that being one who was cheated on is devastating. And I do realize there are psychological and spiritual reasons people cheat. It's sad when you are not getting what you want out of a relationship but cheating to get it is wrong and it is a bad act. It not only hurts the spouse, it hurts the children, the family and everybody around them. Some people find that out the hard way. Unfortunately, I've known several folks going through this.

The human being is sacred and special but his actions can be bad, even evil. I do feel for those who cheat but I feel most sympathy for those who were the victims of a cheater. They didn't ask for it and if given a chance to grow in the relationship, they might have been able to give the other what was so needed. Communication breakdowns cause a lot of problems because when the needy person is tempted to cheat, he himself is feeling cheated out of life, just crushed. Gosh, why on earth do I want to get married? Sigh.

 

[Guitarhero]

Darn, I forgot to tack on men who go to a pastor or confession and talk about these events but never tell the wife - I can't understand that. If bold enough to cheat and then remorseful enough to confess to another, then brave enough to tell the wife, whether she stays or not.

 

[deltagyrl]

Sorry to hear that. I remember reading your thread about reconciling.

I've personally learned to not put my faith in any human being, even my husband. The only being I put total faith in, is God.

Thanks but I am over it.

I could've possibly gotten over the 6 month affair if he'd been willing to do the work to regain my trust and respect but he KEPT looking outside of the marriage for whatever he needed.

We never stood a chance.

 

[deltagyrl]

I do know that being one who was cheated on is devastating. And I do realize there are psychological and spiritual reasons people cheat. It's sad when you are not getting what you want out of a relationship but cheating to get it is wrong and it is a bad act. It not only hurts the spouse, it hurts the children, the family and everybody around them. Some people find that out the hard way. Unfortunately, I've known several folks going through this.

The human being is sacred and special but his actions can be bad, even evil. I do feel for those who cheat but I feel most sympathy for those who were the victims of a cheater. They didn't ask for it and if given a chance to grow in the relationship, they might have been able to give the other what was so needed. Communication breakdowns cause a lot of problems because when the needy person is tempted to cheat, he himself is feeling cheated out of life, just crushed. Gosh, why on earth do I want to get married? Sigh.

I remember sitting next to him in counseling as he tried to explain how his cheating was my fault. erplexed

Counsleor: Why did you cheat?
Him: I wasn't happy. She wasn't making me happy.
Me:
Counselor: Did you ever tell her that you weren't getting what you need?
Him: No
Counselor: So how was she supposed to fix a problem that she didn't know existed?
Him:

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ Classic... so glad the counselor called him out on that.

 

[kandake]

I remember sitting next to him in counseling as he tried to explain how his cheating was my fault. erplexed

Counsleor: Why did you cheat?
Him: I wasn't happy. She wasn't making me happy.
Me:
Counselor: Did you ever tell her that you weren't getting what you need?
Him: No
Counselor: So how was she supposed to fix a problem that she didn't know existed?
Him:

I need to stop visiting this thread. Y'all making me mad all over again.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Me too..

But I can't help it.
I feel some sort of "release" in talking about it.
Truthfully, I never have talked about it before.

But, yeah, when I confronted him and said "I know about her"...
He said-and I quote "AND?!.. You thought I was gonna sit around while all you did was work, go to school and forget about me? We only f*cked like once a week! How was I gonna live?! She listened to me, you DIDN'T. She knows how to work two jobs and take care of a man, you DIDN'T. SHE is a better woman than you would ever be"!

My "soulmate". My best friend. My "lover". The only man who ever had my heart.
He said ALL of that to me.

But, ladies, you know what?
I took a lot out of that.
I did.
I even saw the errors of my ways.
By no means was I wrong, or was HE even a bad person.. he is just weak....

Never again...

My advice for ladies, if you ever find out your man cheated, don't ask ANY QUESTIONS.
The answers will hurt you later.
Just leave, don't stop, GO!

 

[Guitarhero]

You can garownteee somebody lurking is thinking, "they're just bitter." Well, um, no - realistic. I still believe in marriage and I still hope to make (not just have) a great one. But there are some issues that must be dealt with beforehand. Never go anywhere with blinders on, if you can help it. Goodness, that's a life's teaching and I'm still learning it. Catharsis is good for the soul and then you can move on and grow again. The plant might be hurt but it's roots are still alive. It can grow again and become a beautiful plant, giving precious life-giving oxygen to the world! But it must be cared for well.

 

[deltagyrl]

Me too..

But I can't help it.
I feel some sort of "release" in talking about it.
Truthfully, I never have talked about it before.

But, yeah, when I confronted him and said "I know about her"...
He said-and I quote "AND?!.. You thought I was gonna sit around while all you did was work, go to school and forget about me? We only f*cked like once a week! How was I gonna live?! She listened to me, you DIDN'T. She knows how to work two jobs and take care of a man, you DIDN'T. SHE is a better woman than you would ever be"!

My "soulmate". My best friend. My "lover". The only man who ever had my heart.
He said ALL of that to me.

But, ladies, you know what?
I took a lot out of that.
I did.
I even saw the errors of my ways.
By no means was I wrong, or was HE even a bad person.. he is just weak....

Never again...

My advice for ladies, if you ever find out your man cheated, don't ask ANY QUESTIONS.
The answers will hurt you later.
Just leave, don't stop, GO!

I know that had to sting.

I agree about the release. I disagree with you about not asking questions though. I actually called her and we talked for nearly 2 hours.

She filled in blanks and our conversation helped me piece it all together. I asked everything that I could think of and braced myself for the answers. I got closure.

 

[deltagyrl]

You can garownteee somebody lurking is thinking, "they're just bitter." Well, um, no - realistic. I still believe in marriage and I still hope to make (not just have) a great one. But there are some issues that must be dealt with beforehand. Never go anywhere with blinders on, if you can help it. Goodness, that's a life's teaching and I'm still learning it. Catharsis is good for the soul and then you can move on and grow again. The plant might be hurt but it's roots are still alive. It can grow again and become a beautiful plant, giving precious life-giving oxygen to the world! But it must be cared for well.

I ain't bitter. Far from it. I'm healing.

 

[Jas123]

I don't think because a person cheats, they are BAD. They've done something bad but it shouldn't define their entire being. I have cheated several times, and don't consider myself a bad person. People cheat for different reasons. I didn't cheat because I didn't love my husband. Quite the contrary. I cheated because I didn't love me. I didn't believe one man could love me totally. I always needed a safety net in case things didn't work out. I cheated because I didn't have good self-esteem. So when a man, would give me attention, like a moth to a flame, I couldn't resist and that often ended up in sex.

No one suspected I was the type. Living a dual life. I am sure many were shocked. I went to counseling one time with DH. We didn't return because I felt judged. What helped me was talking to non-judgmental people who could relate. Reading many different books about how to heal my past. And realizing, why I was doing what I was doing. This helped me take a good look at who Lucie was and who she could be.

Sometimes, I wonder if my husband has cheated on me. I can't say either way (because no one is perfect) but I do know despite all that I've put him through, he is good to me and I am happy he was not so quick to dump me like so many other people would have.

thank you for your testimony & honesty

 

[Jas123]

thanks for all the testimonies ladies

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I know that had to sting.

I agree about the release. I disagree with you about not asking questions though. I actually called her and we talked for nearly 2 hours.

She filled in blanks and our conversation helped me piece it all together. I asked everything that I could think of and braced myself for the answers. I got closure.

Well, I called her to see was them talking almost 5 hours a day, nothing.
She basically confirmed the two most important questions: 1. did they have sex 2. and did they use a condom. After that, I hung up on her. She kept telling me she was sorry and was crying saying she loved him and don't make him choose between me and her. That he needs to be happy and that's what's most important *I couldn't make this sh*t up if I wanted to*
Everything else he pretty much confirmed and told me to throw it in my face.

I had little to speak with her about because she KNEW we were together the WHOLE time.
I'm sorry, I can't even be cordial with you knowing you were literally hoping he left us for you.
The person who hooked them up was my cousin's boyfriend
Everyone knew but me.

Anyways.. am I bitter?
No.
Have I changed?
Yes.
Am I the same person?
No.

I had to work through all of that to get to where I am now.

 

[hopeful]

I do know that being one who was cheated on is devastating. And I do realize there are psychological and spiritual reasons people cheat. It's sad when you are not getting what you want out of a relationship but cheating to get it is wrong and it is a bad act. It not only hurts the spouse, it hurts the children, the family and everybody around them. Some people find that out the hard way. Unfortunately, I've known several folks going through this.

The human being is sacred and special but his actions can be bad, even evil. I do feel for those who cheat but I feel most sympathy for those who were the victims of a cheater. They didn't ask for it and if given a chance to grow in the relationship, they might have been able to give the other what was so needed. Communication breakdowns cause a lot of problems because when the needy person is tempted to cheat, he himself is feeling cheated out of life, just crushed. Gosh, why on earth do I want to get married? Sigh.

Because we all have to believe that something in life will work out. Because being happily married is one of the most wonderful, magical things in the world. The risk of getting hurt for most of us is worth it. Have you seen a couple who have been married a long time and you know they have been through some mess but they made it and the love between them is exquisite? And you've seen older, unmarried people who perhaps were saved from heartbreak, and while they have a great career, and home, and friends--yet something is missing. Often if we have to choose we will be the married one, a bit weary, a little tired, hurt a little too often, but in love and loved. Life without an opportunity for deep romantic love I believe will always feel as though it is missing something.

 

[deltagyrl]

[/b]

Because we all have to believe that something in life will work out. Because being happily married is one of the most wonderful, magical things in the world. The risk of getting hurt for most of us is worth it. Have you seen a couple who have been married a long time and you know they have been through some mess but they made it and the love between them is exquisite? And you've seen older, unmarried people who perhaps were saved from heartbreak, and while they have a great career, and home, and friends--yet something is missing. Often if we have to choose we will be the married one, a bit weary, a little tired, hurt a little too often, but in love and loved. Life without an opportunity for deep romantic love I believe will always feel as though it is missing something.

^^ITA! I definitely want to experience the real thing.
Despite everything I've gone through (and it was a LOT), I'm happy that I still have the capacity to love deeply and freely. I still want to give everything that I have to that special someone. Blessings will come. I'm sure of it.

 

[deltagyrl]

Well, I called her to see was them talking almost 5 hours a day, nothing.
She basically confirmed the two most important questions: 1. did they have sex 2. and did they use a condom. After that, I hung up on her. She kept telling me she was sorry and was crying saying she loved him and don't make him choose between me and her. That he needs to be happy and that's what's most important *I couldn't make this sh*t up if I wanted to*
Everything else he pretty much confirmed and told me to throw it in my face.

I had little to speak with her about because she KNEW we were together the WHOLE time.
I'm sorry, I can't even be cordial with you knowing you were literally hoping he left us for you.
The person who hooked them up was my cousin's boyfriend
Everyone knew but me.

Anyways.. am I bitter?
No.
Have I changed?
Yes.
Am I the same person?
No.

I had to work through all of that to get to where I am now.

1st bolded- yeah, that seems to be an indicator round these parts.
2nd bolded- same here...hence my rage. I remember thinking, just like that I could've been infected with HIV or AIDS.
It's a shame that these things happen but I guess, for me, I always have to look for the silver lining. I now have a peace that I'd never known when I was with him. I'm happy and I feel good about me. My children are happy, well-adjusted and living well. My family & friends have loved and supported me through it all.

DG is good and I ain't mad at nobody. Took me some time but I made it. I.AM.MAKING.IT.

 

[hopeful]

^^ITA! I definitely want to experience the real thing.
Despite everything I've gone through (and it was a LOT), I'm happy that I still have the capacity to love deeply and freely. I still want to give everything that I have to that special someone. Blessings will come. I'm sure of it.

Yes indeed the blessings will come--and the guy who gets you will be very blessed. You ladies who have been through it are so strong. Glad you all know it was not your fault.

 

[Guitarhero]

I know that had to sting.

I agree about the release. I disagree with you about not asking questions though. I actually called her and we talked for nearly 2 hours.

She filled in blanks and our conversation helped me piece it all together. I asked everything that I could think of and braced myself for the answers. I got closure.

I agree. If you don't ask questions up front, you will ask them in your soul for a lifetime and never get closure.

 

[locabouthair]

((HUGS)) to all you ladies.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

[/b]

Because we all have to believe that something in life will work out. Because being happily married is one of the most wonderful, magical things in the world. The risk of getting hurt for most of us is worth it. Have you seen a couple who have been married a long time and you know they have been through some mess but they made it and the love between them is exquisite? And you've seen older, unmarried people who perhaps were saved from heartbreak, and while they have a great career, and home, and friends--yet something is missing. Often if we have to choose we will be the married one, a bit weary, a little tired, hurt a little too often, but in love and loved. Life without an opportunity for deep romantic love I believe will always feel as though it is missing something.

Werd.
And for some reason, I am able to love more deeply.
It was an experience that will help me getting closer to my FH.

 

[LunadeMiel]

For me, cheating is an unforgiveable sin. I could more readily forgive an act of violence than I could forgive infidelity. I can see a person getting so angry that he may strike me in the heat of the moment without even thinking about the consequences. If I felt he was truely sorry and his past behavior indicated that this was an he lost is everloving mind moment, I would seek counceling. Cheating on the other hand, requires and constant/consistent disregard for another person's feeling, health, and the vows that you took. Infidelity, wether it is a long term affair or a one night stand provides the cheater with so many opportunities to walk away. A person who opts to continue with this behavior could not be married to me.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

It hurt me alot when I found out my ex was cheating on me. I can't even really tell you how I knew it but something was just "wrong". His behavior was changing, and I remember I had just come from the doctor, and she confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I was so happy and I drove over to his place to tell him. I sat him down and I said, "T, what if I were pregnant?" He looked me dead in my eye and said, "Just because you're pregnant, doesn't mean that I will stay with you..." I was so shocked that I went into a miscarriage. Valentine's Day, that next week is when I found out he was indeed cheating on me with a 17 year old, who happened to be his childhood friend's little sister. This is the same man, that I literally packed my bags, left my family behind and moved upstate to be with. This is the man, that could not find a job, but I worked 60 to 70 hours a week just to pay rent and make sure we had heat, food, and water...and when he got a job in another city, and I left my job to be near my sister (she was fighting spinal cancer and I thought she was going to die), I guess he felt that since he got on his feet, he could treat me like s*it even though I was good to him.
I remember last year when I was sick in the hospital with Pneumonia (spl?), he found out from a mutual friend of mine that I was sick. He called my phone and asked how I was doing, and then he said, "Umm, listen, I am taking the ASVAB for the Army, and I was hoping you would kind of be a friend and help me study. I'm trying to get back with D...(the girl he cheated on me with and she dumped him because she was intimidated by me-- he still had me on his myspace page and she felt he was cheating on her with me). It took me two years to get over him, and I shaved my midback length hair because I literally had a nervous breakdown. Emotionally, right now I am learning not to be so harsh to men, but I am still afraid to be hurt again.