Has anyone here ever been in love, but have no desire to get married?

HoneyDew

HoneyDew

Well-Known Member
I am asking because marriage pressure is rearing its ugly head for me way too often these days.

I sent my mom the picture you see there in my avatar. This is her response
(Shunta is my sister):

I see - the picture of you and Doug. It's nice.
Do you guys plan on getting married. I hope you and Shunta decide to marry your partners.

:perplexed I have not responded to her yet. She has been asking this a lot lately. Even my aunt, my mom's sister, brought it up to my cousin. My cousin said that her family was out to dinner recently and Doug and I came up. :eek: Why were they talking about this over dinner?!?! My aunt said "I want to know what Doug's intentions are for my niece. Does he plan on marrying her?" :eek:

That makes me think my mom has been talking to her sister about it.

Okay so I know since Doug and I have been together for almost 4 years people think marriage is the next step.

BUT I AM REALLY IN NO RUSH.

I enjoy owning and living in my own home and having my freedom. I love this man to death and cannot imagine myself with anyone else. But why do people think you HAVE to get married???

(okay confession : He still lives in the house that he owned with his ex-wife. To me, there are remnants of here there. I don't want to leave my home sweet home that I am so proud of to live "there". But, I have never told him that because he LOVES his house and has commented that he wants to grow old there.

nah that can't be why I don't want to do it!)
 
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yes i've been there. after seven years with a man i still didn't want to get married. i felt like marriage was too restrictive and would smother me. i am a free person and i like doing my own thing and i didn't want to be bothered with answering to another person. so we just rode the relationship out. this is not for everyone but if it works for you so be it. i eventually began to change my mind but it wasn't overnight. i pretty much ignored my friends and family because i knew i wasn't ready. i needed time to be me. . if you have problems with his house then you should tell him. so what he loves it. he has to make sacrifices for you. dont wait till he surpises you with that ring before you speak on it.

edited to add. i guess most people believe you have to get married because there is a degree of security when children and money are involved. it's also an oath before god which has more weight than someone's word alone. :lol:
 
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SweetCaramel1 said:
edited to add. i guess most people believe you have to get married because there is a degree of security when children and money are involved. it's also an oath before god which has more weight than someone's word alone. :lol:
Click to expand...

True. My SO is the only man I've every really loved, and we do plan to get married. I don't think you should rush things or give in to the pressure from your family, though. Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. If you or he isn't ready for it yet, there's no point in doing it just to make others happy.

That said, I feel you on what you said about being comfortable with your own life! I am in that same place, although I am making changes to move in with my SO. I'm going to miss having my own place!
 
Marraige isn't for everyone, if you aint ready...then don't do it. I would firmly and lovingly tell my family, parent, everyone else that I appreciate your love and concern but I am a happy, fulfilled, and grown woman and when I am ready to be married I will.
 
So, you're saying that you're in no rush OR that you have no desire and can't forsee any desire in the future (similar to Oprah's views)?


HoneyDew said:
I am asking because marriage pressure is rearing its ugly head for me way too often these days.

I sent my mom the picture you see there in my avatar. This is her response
(Shunta is my sister):

I see - the picture of you and Doug. It's nice.
Do you guys plan on getting married. I hope you and Shunta decide to marry your partners.

:perplexed I have not responded to her yet. She has been asking this a lot lately. Even my aunt, my mom's sister, brought it up to my cousin. My cousin said that her family was out to dinner recently and Doug and I came up. :eek: Why were they talking about this over dinner?!?! My aunt said "I want to know what Doug's intentions are for my niece. Does he plan on marrying her?" :eek:

That makes me think my mom has been talking to her sister about it.

Okay so I know since Doug and I have been together for almost 4 years people think marriage is the next step.

BUT I AM REALLY IN NO RUSH.

I enjoy owning and living in my own home and having my freedom. I love this man to death and cannot imagine myself with anyone else. But why do people think you HAVE to get married???

(okay confession : He still lives in the house that he owned with his ex-wife. To me, there are remnants of here there. I don't want to leave my home sweet home that I am so proud of to live "there". But, I have never told him that because he LOVES his house and has commented that he wants to grow old there.

nah that can't be why I don't want to do it!)
Click to expand...
 
SweetCaramel1 said:
yes i've been there. after seven years with a man i still didn't want to get married. i felt like marriage was too restrictive and would smother me. i am a free person and i like doing my own thing and i didn't want to be bothered with answering to another person. so we just rode the relationship out. this is not for everyone but if it works for you so be it. i eventually began to change my mind but it wasn't overnight. i pretty much ignored my friends and family because i knew i wasn't ready. i needed time to be me. . if you have problems with his house then you should tell him. so what he loves it. he has to make sacrifices for you. dont wait till he surpises you with that ring before you speak on it.

edited to add. i guess most people believe you have to get married because there is a degree of security when children and money are involved. it's also an oath before god which has more weight than someone's word alone. :lol:
Click to expand...


I agree with you and I have no desire to get married ( never had ) I like to be free. I do believe in love and I don't like the idea of marriage. Sarkozy said once: "The purpose of marriage has always been to protect the weaker ones ( you know women and kids ) well, I don't see myself as a weak person and I don't need to get married to be " protected and secure".
 
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not me. i believe if he really loves me he'll eventually pop the question. don't get me wrong i'm in no rush to get married either but if we were in love i'd expect to get married eventually.
 
Me. We live together and I have no desire to get married.

I think most people here know why I feel that way.



Anyway I gotta go, so won't be back to this topic until later. But I figure like this; if you and your SO have discussed it and are ok with not going that route, then it dosen't matter what other people think, tell them to get bent!

You only have one life, live it the way you want.

-A
 
foxxymami said:
So, you're saying that you're in no rush OR that you have no desire and can't forsee any desire in the future (similar to Oprah's views)?
Click to expand...


I do want to eventually marry him, but not for another 5 years or so.

One thing is that its seems that people have less respect for our committment to each other since we are not getting married right now.

I mean we have very romantic, intimate discussions about our future together. He even teared up when we discussed having children (He thinks he is too old to have more, and it torn about it)

He even drew a floorplan of a house that he thought would be good for us and how we want to live. It would give us a home but also space to be ourselves. I did nto take him to seriously about this one since he is so in love with his place.

So I know that eventually it will be in the cards - but I am really in no rush. I am just not ready right now and I don't even think about it that much - UNTIL MY FAMILY BRINGS IT UP.

Heck, my mom may just want to get the idea out of her head that I am "living in sin". Note: We are talking about a southern belle "gotta be a lady" at all times family. I just don't like the pressure.
 
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HoneyDew said:
I do want to eventually marry him, but not for another 5 years or so.

One thing is that its seems that people have less respect for our committment to each other since we are not getting married right now.

I mean we have very romantic, intimate discussions about our future together. He even teared up when we discussed having children (He thinks he is too old to have more, and it torn about it)

He even drew a floorplan of a house that he thought would be good for us and how we want to live. It would give us a home but also space to be ourselves. I did nto take him to seriously about this one since he is so in love with his place.

So I know that eventually it will be in the cards - but I am really in no rush. I am just not ready right now and I don't even think about it that much - UNTIL MY FAMILY BRINGS IT UP.

Heck, my mom may just want to get the idea out of her head that I am "living in sin". Note: We are talking about a southern belle "gotta be a lady" at all times family. I just don't like the pressure.
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I'm not sure why you would expect people to have the same level of respect for a couple living in separate homes versus a couple who have made a covenant to stay together forever. I hope I'm not being harsh, but let's be realistic.

If what your situation suits both you and your SO, then that's great. Don't worry what other people think.
 
HoneyDew said:
I

(okay confession : He still lives in the house that he owned with his ex-wife. To me, there are remnants of here there. I don't want to leave my home sweet home that I am so proud of to live "there". But, I have never told him that because he LOVES his house and has commented that he wants to grow old there.

nah that can't be why I don't want to do it!)
Click to expand...

Are you sure this is not the real reason why you're in no rush to tie the knot? I would NOT want to live in a house where my SO had many memories with his ex.

Ask yourself this, if your SO was willing to sell the house and get some new digs with you, would you still be not wanting to get married?
 
HoneyDew said:
I do want to eventually marry him, but not for another 5 years or so.

I am just not ready right now and I don't even think about it that much - UNTIL MY FAMILY BRINGS IT UP.

Heck, my mom may just want to get the idea out of her head that I am "living in sin". Note: We are talking about a southern belle "gotta be a lady" at all times family. I just don't like the pressure.
Click to expand...

Don't rush into marriage just to please your family.
 
HoneyDew said:
I do want to eventually marry him, but not for another 5 years or so.

One thing is that its seems that people have less respect for our committment to each other since we are not getting married right now.

I mean we have very romantic, intimate discussions about our future together. He even teared up when we discussed having children (He thinks he is too old to have more, and it torn about it)

He even drew a floorplan of a house that he thought would be good for us and how we want to live. It would give us a home but also space to be ourselves. I did nto take him to seriously about this one since he is so in love with his place.

So I know that eventually it will be in the cards - but I am really in no rush. I am just not ready right now and I don't even think about it that much - UNTIL MY FAMILY BRINGS IT UP.

Heck, my mom may just want to get the idea out of her head that I am "living in sin". Note: We are talking about a southern belle "gotta be a lady" at all times family. I just don't like the pressure.
Click to expand...

I do agree other people love to govern how you live your life let alone run your relationship. If there is no rush and you and him are okay with the way things are, then that's all that matters. You have to be happy w/ the decisions you make, don't let other people force you or make you second guess the choices you make. I know...easier said then done. :)
 
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jessy made a good point.

i have had that many serious relationships so i cant offer any advice. but i say do what makes you happy. dont worry about your family. you are grown and can decide whats best for you at this point of your life.

from everything you say you two seem so much in love.:)
 
I'm on the fence about marriage. I mean I'd do it, but it's no biggy for me. I can love someone with all my heart and I wouldn't mind if I was married or not. I feel like marriage (especially these days) is just a business--mergers and acquisitions. People get married to secure their money, their investments, their insurance etc. Hence, another reason why gay persons want the right to get marriage--they need to protect themselves and their assets just like every one else. If your will isn't updated, but you are married it goes to your spouse, a lot of things are assumed to go to your spouse in your absence and if you are not married then the other person is SOL. There are many cases of gay couples losing their SO and when that happens they can have to sell their homes because the family of the deceased wants the money. ETCETC i can go on and on.

I mean look at prenups. It's just like a business. You protect the assets you come in in case the business fails!

I just think marriages protects the business of marriage, but you can love someone and live happily without the piece of paper .
 
I agree with this. Good points.
trimbride said:
Marraige isn't for everyone, if you aint ready...then don't do it. I would firmly and lovingly tell my family, parent, everyone else that I appreciate your love and concern but I am a happy, fulfilled, and grown woman and when I am ready to be married I will.
Click to expand...
 
I was thinking during lunch, if he changed his mind and decided that he will have kids (he thinks he is too old, at 48 - but I am only 31 - the clock is tickin'), I would marry him NOW!

I would sell my house, move all my stuff, get married and be pregnant RIGHT after.

I honestly think that may be why I am chillin' out. If we are not going to have babies, I CAN JUST IGNORE THAT CLOCK TICKING IN MY HEAD, and concentrate on other things in my life - like my career (and my hair :D )

I think the baby thing is the issue with me.
 
SweetCaramel1 said:
yes i've been there. after seven years with a man i still didn't want to get married. i felt like marriage was too restrictive and would smother me. i am a free person and i like doing my own thing and i didn't want to be bothered with answering to another person. so we just rode the relationship out. this is not for everyone but if it works for you so be it. i eventually began to change my mind but it wasn't overnight. i pretty much ignored my friends and family because i knew i wasn't ready. i needed time to be me. . if you have problems with his house then you should tell him. so what he loves it. he has to make sacrifices for you. dont wait till he surpises you with that ring before you speak on it.

edited to add. i guess most people believe you have to get married because there is a degree of security when children and money are involved. it's also an oath before god which has more weight than someone's word alone. :lol:
Click to expand...

Poor, poor fellow aquarius... I thought it was just me!
 
HoneyDew said:
I was thinking during lunch, if he changed his mind and decided that he will have kids (he thinks he is too old, at 48 - but I am only 31 - the clock is tickin'), I would marry him NOW!

I would sell my house, move all my stuff, get married and be pregnant RIGHT after.

I honestly think that may be why I am chillin' out. If we are not going to have babies, I CAN JUST IGNORE THAT CLOCK TICKING IN MY HEAD, and concentrate on other things in my life - like my career (and my hair :D )

I think the baby thing is the issue with me.
Click to expand...
Have you told him that?
 
I definitely believe that love and marriage goes together. But i think timing is important. Sometimes you love the guy but he is still working on ironing out his job, credit, or exwife issues. Or perhaps you are just finding yourself. So marriage can wait and shouldnt be rushed. But if a person is in love and never wants to get married to that person, then i would question their love for that person...or maybe in the back of her mind, a voice is telling her that he aint got it together, he can fulfill all my needs, and he ain't the one....
 
UmSumayyah said:
Have you told him that?
Click to expand...


Well (you guys can go ahead and call me stupid now for this one).....

He says ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I resent him for the whole baby thing and that he thinks it will be a bigger problem later. He has actually gotten emotional during these conversations. Ans every time, I say something "Honey, I am choosing to be here. I love you and I don't want us to split up because of that, blah blah blah."

So technically, I am not admitting it. I don't honestly know why. :(

Last weekend, he said that he thinks I try to have this super strong emotional stability, but he thinks I don't let myself just "feel" and let myself become vulnerable sometimes. :look:

Maybe I do have issues. :(
 
I totally agree with this. Me and SO just finished clearing up $$$ issues, job issues and more importantly spirituality. I wanted to take my time and get to know each other to make sure we are matched spiritually as well and evenly yoked. Now we are having the marriage talks and the timing is right.
Mizani_Mrs said:
I definitely believe that love and marriage goes together. But i think timing is important. Sometimes you love the guy but he is still working on ironing out his job, credit, or exwife issues. Or perhaps you are just finding yourself. So marriage can wait and shouldnt be rushed. But if a person is in love and never wants to get married to that person, then i would question their love for that person...or maybe in the back of her mind, a voice is telling her that he aint got it together, he can fulfill all my needs, and he ain't the one....
Click to expand...
 
caribeandiva said:
not me. i believe if he really loves me he'll eventually pop the question. don't get me wrong i'm in no rush to get married either but if we were in love i'd expect to get married eventually.
Click to expand...

See its not all about him "popping the question". There is a chance that you get to a point in your life where your own life and desires don't wait on your man and are not determined by what he does or doesn't do.

But in this situation, assume that the man wants to marry you. That is not the issue - the issue is with me. :look:
 
I'm in love but I have no desire to get married right now because I have so many other things to do. My SO and I have discussed and we're taking this time to enjoy being young before we get married and start having kids. I'm the type of person who will only get married one time and if it doesn't work then I'll remain single with an occasional boy toy for the rest of my life. My SO is VERY MUCH against separating or divorce so this is yet another reason for not hurrying up to get married.

What parents and grandparents fail to realize is that we live in a totally different time. Women get married older, have babies older, go back to school at a later age, and its quite okay. I say just do what feels right in your heart because i know I will.
 
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