Has anyone here ever been in love, but have no desire to get married?

[Integrity]

Look y'all, Arcadian DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED! End of discussion!

(Even though she is. )

say the white part again

 

[yourleoqueen]

Look y'all, Arcadian DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED! End of discussion!

(Even though she is. )

Uhm, OKAY?!?!?!?!

 

[CandiceC]

I respect your decision, although it seems like you went through SO much paperwork, legal bills and time that would've been inherently yours with just marrying him. It's almost as if you went through all this trouble to get married without being marriederplexed I don't get it, but I don't have to. Whatever works for you is what you must do.

I don't get it either. It's all good though. I just find it interesting.

 

[Mortons]

Look y'all, Arcadian DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED! End of discussion!

(Even though she is. )

I luv Arcadian, but thats exactly what I was thinking. Shoot that may be more complicated than a marriage.

 

[CandiceC]

I luv Arcadian, but thats exactly what I was thinking. Shoot that may be more complicated than a marriage.

Right! She's the most married unmarried woman I know of.
I need to make a check list out to go over this stuff with my DH. I'm going over Arcadian's posts to figure out what paperwork we need to get in order.

 

[Integrity]

I luv Arcadian, but thats exactly what I was thinking. Shoot that may be more complicated than a marriage.

 

[HoneyDew]

Hi HoneyD, why not just get married? That is also 'something legal', right?

Well, the thing about it for me is that I really don't want us to live together. I enjoy having my own home and little place on the earth that is all mine. I am proud of my home and I don't want to leave it or share it with anyone.

At the same time, this man is my partner in life. I have mentioned to people that we would be okay with getting married and still having our own place.
Everyone thinks that weird, too.

We even have a floorplan of a house that we would like to have built that would give us partial separate living spaces. But, I would not want to spend the money on that really - it's an idea though.

Either way people will think it is weird for a couple that wants to be committed to each other without marriage. Unfortunately because of the way this world is and how people are, if we are going to do this, we need to protect ourselves financially and otherwise.

 

[HoneyDew]

Legalities aside - why aren't you ok with telling him how you feel about having children? Everything else you've listed can be fixed or adjusted, but the kid thing seems to be a deal with you. If its that important, why can't you talk to him about it?

Part of me has given up on it. It's like I have put my energy into my career. As long as I am driven in that direction, my mind is taken away from thinking about the fact that we will not have kids.

I have a list of Pros and Cons about having kids and, honestly, the CONS I always try to keep in mind - it helps me get over it.

Soooo, if there will be no kids - why should we get married? Why do I have to leave my home? I don't see why.

But, we still need to protect ourselves in this uncertain world. Since we don't have the respect that people seem to only give married couples, there is that fear that family will disrespect what WE want if something happens.

 

[HoneyDew]

I respect your decision, although it seems like you went through SO much paperwork, legal bills and time that would've been inherently yours with just marrying him. It's almost as if you went through all this trouble to get married without being marriederplexed I don't get it, but I don't have to. Whatever works for you is what you must do.

I know people that are married and then go through a divorce and there is all kinds of drama financially about who is going to get this or that - most times not being fair for one person.

Even married couples should do more, in my opinion, especially when they have a lot to lose or gain financially.

 

[Arcadian]

No. we're not married, we love each other which is fine.

HOWEVER

Did marriage help Anna Nicole any when her husband died?

No.


And lets not forget Terry Shivos case. That dragged on for much longer than it should. Yes the husband FINALLY won in the end but the reality is, that would have NEVER went on that long had they had enough sense to put thier business in order.

And lets not forget that there are many more people who don't make the news who do fall into these two areas (and maybe more).



SO and I are very practical as far as what we have together. Because of my prior cancer history, I do not leave certain things to chance.

Yes we love each other which is fantastic, we respect each other, another plus, but, why should we be married to prove it?

The answer is, we don't!

We have no real reason to be married because

1. I'm not having any kids. I had a hysterectomy in my 20's and I don't plan on adopting either. I can see where being married is good for children. I grew up with married parents (who are still married)
2. I work hard and make plenty of my own money. I did that before he was in the picture and will do so if he's ever out of it.
3. We wouldn't get any tax breaks. We talked that out. ( and even asked the accountant.) talked to the laywers. In our situation it adds another kind of complicated layer (especially in this state).
4. I have no desire to be called someone's wife, or to call SO my husband. I introduce him as my partner, because to me, thats exactly what he is. I can be me instead of Mrs so and so, and he can be him instead of So and So's husband.
5. Love!=marriage.

We didn't rule out anything. We talked very candidly about what would happen if we did split up, if we died, car accident (or any accident) and what have you. We made sure our wishes of what we would do with things bought together would be on paper. Both of us hashed it out with our lawyers to make sure the language was exactly what we wanted.


Any couple who has a lot to bring to the table, married or not, should in fact do this. I can't even stress that enough.

Getting married will not save anyone from the stress of not having these things down on paper. Ask any divorce lawyer that.

Seriously, I'm amazed by the naive some of y'all appear to be on this subject.

There are so many clauses in case of breakup and death that my mind was at ease when I signed everything.

"why not just get married" are you freaking kidding?

Where's the real need to? Plus, if it ever happned we divorced, it would be much more expensive and MORE time consuming! I'm not one to hide my head in the sand and think it wouldn't happen to me. because it very well could! The more you have the more expensive it is to divorce.

Again, let me make myself clear;

Marriage dosen't cover everything from a legal standpoint. You'd have to live under a rock to think it does because there's so many darn loopholes that its not even funny. Seriously ask any divorce laywer about those things. They vary state by state!

Women need to watch their own backs and make sure they don't get taken for a fool, regardless if they're married or not.

For those who choose marriage, hey, more power to them and I hope they're happy with the decision. If they like it I love it! I never said there was anything wrong with it, but its just not my cuppa tea.

We went this route because for us, it works. Our arrangement is will not suit everyone, especially those who hope to marry someday.

I will ALWAYS say that if you plan on getting married to a man, you better get the ducks in a row before you and he move in together.

Too many women don't do that and get pissy because they don't think the man is moving fast enough. Look, men are human too, they don't read minds or anything. Let your voice be heard. If a woman wants to get married and you can't extract some set timelines from your man, then don't move in!

Because of the question asked by the OP, and my own arrangement, yeah, I answered. I'm certainly not ashamed of who and where I am in my life. SO would marry me in a heartbeat if I were agreeable, but I just don't want it.

I think that women especially find it hard to fathom that there are women out there who really just are not interested in getting married at all.

-A

 

[FlowerHair]

Part of me has given up on it. It's like I have put my energy into my career. As long as I am driven in that direction, my mind is taken away from thinking about the fact that we will not have kids.

I have a list of Pros and Cons about having kids and, honestly, the CONS I always try to keep in mind - it helps me get over it.

Soooo, if there will be no kids - why should we get married? Why do I have to leave my home? I don't see why.

But, we still need to protect ourselves in this uncertain world. Since we don't have the respect that people seem to only give married couples, there is that fear that family will disrespect what WE want if something happens.

Remember time flies. Don't be like me at 36 and newly single with no children. Not that I would want to be a single mother, but having no children at this age sucks. It really does.

I wouldn't spend a day with someone that wasn't on the same page as me when it comes to something important like children. He's not going to change his mind, you know that right?
Hugs.

 

[JFemme]

No. we're not married, we love each other which is fine.

HOWEVER

Did marriage help Anna Nicole any when her husband died?

No.


And lets not forget Terry Shivos case. That dragged on for much longer than it should. Yes the husband FINALLY won in the end but the reality is, that would have NEVER went on that long had they had enough sense to put thier business in order.

And lets not forget that there are many more people who don't make the news who do fall into these two areas (and maybe more).



SO and I are very practical as far as what we have together. Because of my prior cancer history, I do not leave certain things to chance.

Yes we love each other which is fantastic, we respect each other, another plus, but, why should we be married to prove it?

The answer is, we don't!

We have no real reason to be married because

1. I'm not having any kids. I had a hysterectomy in my 20's and I don't plan on adopting either. I can see where being married is good for children. I grew up with married parents (who are still married)
2. I work hard and make plenty of my own money. I did that before he was in the picture and will do so if he's ever out of it.
3. We wouldn't get any tax breaks. We talked that out. ( and even asked the accountant.) talked to the laywers. In our situation it adds another kind of complicated layer (especially in this state).
4. I have no desire to be called someone's wife, or to call SO my husband. I introduce him as my partner, because to me, thats exactly what he is. I can be me instead of Mrs so and so, and he can be him instead of So and So's husband.
5. Love!=marriage.

We didn't rule out anything. We talked very candidly about what would happen if we did split up, if we died, car accident (or any accident) and what have you. We made sure our wishes of what we would do with things bought together would be on paper. Both of us hashed it out with our lawyers to make sure the language was exactly what we wanted.


Any couple who has a lot to bring to the table, married or not, should in fact do this. I can't even stress that enough.

Getting married will not save anyone from the stress of not having these things down on paper. Ask any divorce lawyer that.

Seriously, I'm amazed by the naive some of y'all appear to be on this subject.

There are so many clauses in case of breakup and death that my mind was at ease when I signed everything.

"why not just get married" are you freaking kidding?

Where's the real need to? Plus, if it ever happned we divorced, it would be much more expensive and MORE time consuming! I'm not one to hide my head in the sand and think it wouldn't happen to me. because it very well could! The more you have the more expensive it is to divorce.

Again, let me make myself clear;

Marriage dosen't cover everything from a legal standpoint. You'd have to live under a rock to think it does because there's so many darn loopholes that its not even funny. Seriously ask any divorce laywer about those things. They vary state by state!

Women need to watch their own backs and make sure they don't get taken for a fool, regardless if they're married or not.

For those who choose marriage, hey, more power to them and I hope they're happy with the decision. If they like it I love it! I never said there was anything wrong with it, but its just not my cuppa tea.

We went this route because for us, it works. Our arrangement is will not suit everyone, especially those who hope to marry someday.

I will ALWAYS say that if you plan on getting married to a man, you better get the ducks in a row before you and he move in together.

Too many women don't do that and get pissy because they don't think the man is moving fast enough. Look, men are human too, they don't read minds or anything. Let your voice be heard. If a woman wants to get married and you can't extract some set timelines from your man, then don't move in!

Because of the question asked by the OP, and my own arrangement, yeah, I answered. I'm certainly not ashamed of who and where I am in my life. SO would marry me in a heartbeat if I were agreeable, but I just don't want it.

I think that women especially find it hard to fathom that there are women out there who really just are not interested in getting married at all.

-A

ITA...

Girl, speak on it !!!!!!!!!

 

[Mortons]

Arcadian,
If you were offended by my statement I was being lighthearted and joking. I'm a pre-law student and just thinking about all of those forms and legal paperwork is a WHOLE LOT to deal with. Whether or not you want to get married is cool, you are doing whats best for you. You only get one life so if you are doing what you want with then, live it up.

 

[Integrity]

Arcadian,
If you were offended by my statement I was being lighthearted and joking. I'm a pre-law student and just thinking about all of those forms and legal paperwork is a WHOLE LOT to deal with. Whether or not you want to get married is cool, you are doing whats best for you. You only get one life so if you are doing what you want with then, live it up.

yes, arc and all my laughing want directed AT YOU. not ridiculing your choices at all

i just see all those extra bits as a top up to the basic marriage. jmho so dont mind me!

 

[The Girl]

[/B]

I agree with you and I have no desire to get married ( never had ) I like to be free. I do believe in love and I don't like the idea of marriage. Sarkozy said once: "The purpose of marriage has always been to protect the weaker ones ( you know women and kids ) well, I don't see myself as a weak person and I don't need to get married to be " protected and secure".

I agree I am afraid to marry also. I don't know any couple that has made it more than 20 years without overlooking/accepting some infidelity or wrongdoing and I am not comfortable with that. I am sure they exist, I just haven't met them!

 

[The Girl]

I'm not sure why you would expect people to have the same level of respect for a couple living in separate homes versus a couple who have made a covenant to stay together forever. I hope I'm not being harsh, but let's be realistic.

If what your situation suits both you and your SO, then that's great. Don't worry what other people think.

Does this apply only to religious/spiritual people?

 

[Integrity]

i am not familiar with the anna nicole court case etc but isnt that the purpose of a WILL and a clear consise one at that? that in case of accident, death etc the husband or wife, assets are covered????

 

[Integrity]

I agree I am afraid to marry also. I don't know any couple that has made it more than 20 years without overlooking/accepting some infidelity or wrongdoing and I am not comfortable with that. I am sure they exist, I just haven't met them!

but married or not infidelity or wrongdoing may come into it

 

[The Girl]

Well (you guys can go ahead and call me stupid now for this one).....

He says ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I resent him for the whole baby thing and that he thinks it will be a bigger problem later. He has actually gotten emotional during these conversations. Ans every time, I say something "Honey, I am choosing to be here. I love you and I don't want us to split up because of that, blah blah blah."

So technically, I am not admitting it. I don't honestly know why.

Last weekend, he said that he thinks I try to have this super strong emotional stability, but he thinks I don't let myself just "feel" and let myself become vulnerable sometimes.

Maybe I do have issues.

I have these same issues as well, I will learn through you!

 

[The Girl]

but married or not infidelity or wrongdoing may come into it

True I think part of my issue is that I expect it. I won't be lying to God when I have to divorce my husbands cheating/whoremongering/too flirty behind!

HoneyDew I feel you though. There is a lot to look at and it is a delicate balance when you are really wanting something and don't want to hurt him by saying it. I think that you may have to have a moment where you spill the beans and see what happens. Not super blunt or anything but circle around it, ya know?

 

[zora]

yes, arc and all my laughing want directed AT YOU. not ridiculing your choices at all

i just see all those extra bits as a top up to the basic marriage. jmho so dont mind me!

Ditto. This is how I look at it too.

Don't mind us, Arc. We were just having a little fun.

Again, if it works for you, then that's fine.

 

[Arcadian]

Arcadian,
If you were offended by my statement I was being lighthearted and joking. I'm a pre-law student and just thinking about all of those forms and legal paperwork is a WHOLE LOT to deal with. Whether or not you want to get married is cool, you are doing whats best for you. You only get one life so if you are doing what you want with then, live it up.

its ok Glamourous. I'm a big advocate of women doing for themselves and not being taken for a ride, no matter their marital situation. Too many don't think they should be doing more to protect not only their own assets, but also their good name (very true where credit is concerned)

So I get a little funky about it. don't mind me, its cause I'm getting old and cantankerous.

But women should know that there are options as long as its explored with a very clear mind.


You being in prelaw is good. Contracts of any type are a b tch to deal with no matter what they are when they hit a court room.

-A

 

[HoneyDew]

How some ladies feel about this is an example of what I am getting from the people I love.

I am glad to hear I am not the only one that really is happy not being "married".

Again, if we were going to have children, I would get married. But since we are not, why do it?

Anyway, I am actually a little regretful for putting myself out there like this.

I am proud of myself and my choices and I am very happy with my SO.

But, one thing I do feel good about is that I now don't feel so different. When I researched options for us, I felt that people were going to think I was going to far and "why not just get married." And if we don't get married, how can I be sure that my wishes are carried out if something happens or if I am sick or something. This man is the one that intimately knows me and what I want. That's why I researched legal options unmarried couple have to protect themselves. I am glad to know that what I want is not so unusual and that I am not alone.

But, I have to just accept the fact that there are going to be people that disagree with my decision no matter what.

But, right now I am going to just think "who cares!" If people think less of my relationship because of how we choose to carry it out - who cares, right?!

Anyway, people can see how happy we are together. I know couples, even married ones, that have commented on how happy we always seem to be and how well-suited we are for each other. I am going to just stop worrying about marriage and what other people think.

The next time someone asks me, even my mom, I am just going to stop beating around the bush and say that I really don't have plans to get married. They will get used to it, I'm sure.

 

[UmSumayyah]

HoneyDew, do what you need to do.

Arcadian, I am not even laughing at ya. As far as I'm concerned you are married due to all that you described: him being your partner, the one you want making decisions for you if you are incapacitated etc. etc, and the fact that you and he have ensured that THE WORLD MUST TREAT YOU AS SUCH.

Marriage is a whole lot more than the "I'll love you forever" vows taken at the wedding. In fact at my wedding we said no such thing. (Although I was all and so was he. MAD cheesin' all over the place)

We sat down with a lawyer last year and did some stuff. It took hours and we were all when it was over (a few hundred pages of legalese will do that to you) but I'm glad we did it.

Respect all the way.

 

[Integrity]

HoneyDew, do what you need to do.

Arcadian, I am not even laughing at ya. As far as I'm concerned you are married due to all that you described: him being your partner, the one you want making decisions for you if you are incapacitated etc. etc, and the fact that you and he have ensured that THE WORLD MUST TREAT YOU AS SUCH.

Marriage is a whole lot more than the "I'll love you forever" vows taken at the wedding. In fact at my wedding we said no such thing. (Although I was all and so was he. MAD cheesin' all over the place)

We sat down with a lawyer last year and did some stuff. It took hours and we were all when it was over (a few hundred pages of legalese will do that to you) but I'm glad we did it.

Respect all the way.

Co-signing. I am quite glad that despite what is going in today (sky high divorce rates) higher than ‘expected’ number of people still hold marriage in very high regards.