yourleoqueen
New Member
Has your mom said anything about the age difference? She may be looking at it from a 'well if something happens to him, you won't get anything because you're not married to him' POV.
Has anyone here ever been in love, but have no desire to get married?
- Thread starter HoneyDew
- Start date
HoneyDew
Well-Known Member
yourleoqueen said:
I do think my mom disagrees with the age difference. She has made comments about it. He is actually only 3 years younger than her.
But, I don't think she thinks about that I "won't get anything". Do you mean money or something? My mom isn't worried about that really - she knows that is not an issue with me.
I think it is all about me "giving" myself to someone and we are not married.
Farida
Well-Known Member
I think it is OKay to do whatever you want as long as BOTH of you want the same thing. I hate when I see someone in a relationship whether she or the guy want more but one partner doesn't. Those usually end up in resentment and anger and I don't think it's fair to keep someone hanging on or for the other person to stay if they are unhappy.
As long as both of you know what you want and you are happy it's nobody's business.
As long as both of you know what you want and you are happy it's nobody's business.
Arcadian
New Member
Ok finally got 2 seconds to respond.(whew)
Marriage, (or not) should be left up to the two people involved.
I personally have no desire to be Mrs anybody. I like my last name just fine. I won't be having kids. And you can love someone without the 'I Do'.
Yes I've got LOTS of friends who are married and happily so. NO I didn't come from a broken home, my mom and dad are still married and happily so.
But marriage just ain't for everybody.
Me and SO are very committed to each other, we've got our ducks in a row legalwise. (which I recommend for anybody, married or not)
SO also knows that I won't be pushed by nobody including him, on what I should be doing at which time in my life. I fought too hard to KEEP my life to give it over to someone else. My family already knows not to jump into my business cause they will get checked QUICK!
At this point, mom and dad just want to me to be healthy and happy. they went through quite a lot where I'm concerned.
So yeah, I love SO and no doubt will for the rest of my life because our connection to each other is just that strong. I just don't see a need to marry him when I already got the what I want.
If he wore me down enough, sure
But that day hasn't happened.
(BTW honeydew, your SO may not be thinking much over his exwife, a house is a house and if he owns it, he just may not want to go through the anguish of finding another right now..I know lots of people who just think that way. I'd be keeping mine, ex or not )
Talk it over with him and make sure both of you are on the same table. About the house, if you have doubts, ASK. Better to ask now than to wonder and drive yourself nuts.
-A
Marriage, (or not) should be left up to the two people involved.
I personally have no desire to be Mrs anybody. I like my last name just fine. I won't be having kids. And you can love someone without the 'I Do'.
Yes I've got LOTS of friends who are married and happily so. NO I didn't come from a broken home, my mom and dad are still married and happily so.
But marriage just ain't for everybody.
Me and SO are very committed to each other, we've got our ducks in a row legalwise. (which I recommend for anybody, married or not)
SO also knows that I won't be pushed by nobody including him, on what I should be doing at which time in my life. I fought too hard to KEEP my life to give it over to someone else. My family already knows not to jump into my business cause they will get checked QUICK!
At this point, mom and dad just want to me to be healthy and happy. they went through quite a lot where I'm concerned.
So yeah, I love SO and no doubt will for the rest of my life because our connection to each other is just that strong. I just don't see a need to marry him when I already got the what I want.
If he wore me down enough, sure
But that day hasn't happened. (BTW honeydew, your SO may not be thinking much over his exwife, a house is a house and if he owns it, he just may not want to go through the anguish of finding another right now..I know lots of people who just think that way. I'd be keeping mine, ex or not )
Talk it over with him and make sure both of you are on the same table. About the house, if you have doubts, ASK. Better to ask now than to wonder and drive yourself nuts.
-A
HoneyDew
Well-Known Member
Wow. I feel the same way you do about things!! I was even looking up options for things to make sure we have things in order legally.
For example, we talking about if something were to happen to one of us and we died or got sick or something. We wanted to make sure that we had the legal rights to handle each other's affairs and have that respect ethically and legally from our families. I found so much info online with suggestions that opposite sex couples can do in states where they are not allowed to marry, but I am sure those same things could apply to unmarried same sex couple, as well.
I found a site that just put it out there and listed the legal rights (or lack of
) we would have since we are not married. It let me know we really need to do something if we are not going to tie the knot.
If I do move into his house, I am pretty sure he would be willing to let me make it a home place for myself - redecorating, and the like. I mean there are still things there that she left like knick/knacks and stuff that he just never took the time to deal with!
Anyway, I am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way. Maybe my family and friends will one day realize that it really is okay (and very possible) to be in love without marriage.
For example, we talking about if something were to happen to one of us and we died or got sick or something. We wanted to make sure that we had the legal rights to handle each other's affairs and have that respect ethically and legally from our families. I found so much info online with suggestions that opposite sex couples can do in states where they are not allowed to marry, but I am sure those same things could apply to unmarried same sex couple, as well.
I found a site that just put it out there and listed the legal rights (or lack of
) we would have since we are not married. It let me know we really need to do something if we are not going to tie the knot.If I do move into his house, I am pretty sure he would be willing to let me make it a home place for myself - redecorating, and the like. I mean there are still things there that she left like knick/knacks and stuff that he just never took the time to deal with!
Anyway, I am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way. Maybe my family and friends will one day realize that it really is okay (and very possible) to be in love without marriage.
Arcadian said:Ok finally got 2 seconds to respond.(whew)
Marriage, (or not) should be left up to the two people involved.
I personally have no desire to be Mrs anybody. I like my last name just fine. I won't be having kids. And you can love someone without the 'I Do'.
Yes I've got LOTS of friends who are married and happily so. NO I didn't come from a broken home, my mom and dad are still married and happily so.
But marriage just ain't for everybody.
Me and SO are very committed to each other, we've got our ducks in a row legalwise. (which I recommend for anybody, married or not)
SO also knows that I won't be pushed by nobody including him, on what I should be doing at which time in my life. I fought too hard to KEEP my life to give it over to someone else. My family already knows not to jump into my business cause they will get checked QUICK!
At this point, mom and dad just want to me to be healthy and happy. they went through quite a lot where I'm concerned.
So yeah, I love SO and no doubt will for the rest of my life because our connection to each other is just that strong. I just don't see a need to marry him when I already got the what I want.
If he wore me down enough, sure
(BTW honeydew, your SO may not be thinking much over his exwife, a house is a house and if he owns it, he just may not want to go through the anguish of finding another right now..I know lots of people who just think that way. I'd be keeping mine, ex or not )
Talk it over with him and make sure both of you are on the same table. About the house, if you have doubts, ASK. Better to ask now than to wonder and drive yourself nuts.
-A
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
HoneyDew said:I was thinking during lunch, if he changed his mind and decided that he will have kids (he thinks he is too old, at 48 - but I am only 31 - the clock is tickin'), I would marry him NOW!
I would sell my house, move all my stuff, get married and be pregnant RIGHT after.
I honestly think that may be why I am chillin' out. If we are not going to have babies, I CAN JUST IGNORE THAT CLOCK TICKING IN MY HEAD, and concentrate on other things in my life - like my career (and my hair)
I think the baby thing is the issue with me.
I am glad you figured out what the real issue is. How you feel deep down is going to ultimately determine the right course of action for you.
Having children is one of life's major events, and oftentimes, a very primal desire or urge. I can see that having children is very important to you. Me personally, I wouldn't deny such a desire and put it on hold because of someone's reluctance. I'd probably look for someone who is on the same page with me. You're young now and you think you will be okay with it, but you might resent him later.
Arcadian
New Member
We started with our lawyer(s) with all the paperwork we had to do. We both brought a lot to the table in our relationship, so we had separate lawyers. It was pretty much prefered by both of us anyway.
So if you both have a lot of things and combining that into one household, I highly suggest putting in writing whats yours whats his and both of yours, if something should happen (death, breakup, whatever) what the division of stuff would be.
I personally am not nitpicky, and if we break up, he can have all his stuff. Whatever we bought together we split. Gifts are not returnable. He'd get my ring though, because I wouldn't want to keep it (I barely wear it as it is!)
Me and SO are really practical like that but thats what it takes to make the paperwork part of things work.
I have a living will as well as a regular will. I made him do the same. We each have power of attorney's set up and and Advanced Care Directives signed as well. (ACD's are Health Proxies) Not sure about other states but its manditory up here in MA for those ACD papers.
He dosen't want his family making any type of decision because I know exactly what he wants. They know that they better not step in the way.
His doctors know who I am, mine know who he is, I'm all over this mans files and vice versa. Takes a while to do all this (took us 2 years for everything to be in place for us) But its really worth it and for your peace of mind. (as well as your family)
A lot of what we've done is something that even married people don't do. That piece of paper saying you're Mr and Mrs so and so can mean very little in some areas of law.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for deciding that you just don't want marriage. There's no shame in wanting what you want, plus, you can always change your mind later.
-A
So if you both have a lot of things and combining that into one household, I highly suggest putting in writing whats yours whats his and both of yours, if something should happen (death, breakup, whatever) what the division of stuff would be.
I personally am not nitpicky, and if we break up, he can have all his stuff. Whatever we bought together we split. Gifts are not returnable. He'd get my ring though, because I wouldn't want to keep it (I barely wear it as it is!)
Me and SO are really practical like that but thats what it takes to make the paperwork part of things work.
I have a living will as well as a regular will. I made him do the same. We each have power of attorney's set up and and Advanced Care Directives signed as well. (ACD's are Health Proxies) Not sure about other states but its manditory up here in MA for those ACD papers.
He dosen't want his family making any type of decision because I know exactly what he wants. They know that they better not step in the way.
His doctors know who I am, mine know who he is, I'm all over this mans files and vice versa. Takes a while to do all this (took us 2 years for everything to be in place for us) But its really worth it and for your peace of mind. (as well as your family)
A lot of what we've done is something that even married people don't do. That piece of paper saying you're Mr and Mrs so and so can mean very little in some areas of law.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for deciding that you just don't want marriage. There's no shame in wanting what you want, plus, you can always change your mind later.
-A
HoneyDew said:Wow. I feel the same way you do about things!! I was even looking up options for things to make sure we have things in order legally.
For example, we talking about if something were to happen to one of us and we died or got sick or something. We wanted to make sure that we had the legal rights to handle each other's affairs and have that respect ethically and legally from our families. I found so much info online with suggestions that opposite sex couples can do in states where they are not allowed to marry, but I am sure those same things could apply to unmarried same sex couple, as well.
I found a site that just put it out there and listed the legal rights (or lack of
If I do move into his house, I am pretty sure he would be willing to let me make it a home place for myself - redecorating, and the like. I mean there are still things there that she left like knick/knacks and stuff that he just never took the time to deal with!
Anyway, I am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way. Maybe my family and friends will one day realize that it really is okay (and very possible) to be in love without marriage.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
HoneyDew said:I am asking because marriage pressure is rearing its ugly head for me way too often these days.
I sent my mom the picture you see there in my avatar. This is her response
(Shunta is my sister):
I see - the picture of you and Doug. It's nice.
Do you guys plan on getting married. I hope you and Shunta decide to marry your partners.
erplexed I have not responded to her yet. She has been asking this a lot lately. Even my aunt, my mom's sister, brought it up to my cousin. My cousin said that her family was out to dinner recently and Doug and I came up.
Why were they talking about this over dinner?!?! My aunt said "I want to know what Doug's intentions are for my niece. Does he plan on marrying her?"
That makes me think my mom has been talking to her sister about it.
Okay so I know since Doug and I have been together for almost 4 years people think marriage is the next step.
BUT I AM REALLY IN NO RUSH.
I enjoy owning and living in my own home and having my freedom. I love this man to death and cannot imagine myself with anyone else. But why do people think you HAVE to get married???
(okay confession : He still lives in the house that he owned with his ex-wife. To me, there are remnants of here there. I don't want to leave my home sweet home that I am so proud of to live "there". But, I have never told him that because he LOVES his house and has commented that he wants to grow old there.
nah that can't be why I don't want to do it!)
I say if it is working for you guys then keep doin what u doin, but just don't move in with each other or have babies. Then it is not about you anymore and you would need a more secure future with him. You sound like you are not ready to give up the single life anyway.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I have a living will as well as a regular will. I made him do the same. We each have power of attorney's set up and and Advanced Care Directives signed as well. (ACD's are Health Proxies) Not sure about other states but its manditory up here in MA for those ACD papers.
He dosen't want his family making any type of decision because I know exactly what he wants. They know that they better not step in the way.
His doctors know who I am, mine know who he is, I'm all over this mans files and vice versa. Takes a while to do all this (took us 2 years for everything to be in place for us) But its really worth it and for your peace of mind. (as well as your family).
I was told that in the event your SO gets sick or dies the family can overridde his will and you will be stuck looking pitiful. (no offense) I know that is how it works in the state of IL. Have you looked into that?
He dosen't want his family making any type of decision because I know exactly what he wants. They know that they better not step in the way.
His doctors know who I am, mine know who he is, I'm all over this mans files and vice versa. Takes a while to do all this (took us 2 years for everything to be in place for us) But its really worth it and for your peace of mind. (as well as your family).
I was told that in the event your SO gets sick or dies the family can overridde his will and you will be stuck looking pitiful. (no offense) I know that is how it works in the state of IL. Have you looked into that?
Arcadian
New Member
Absolutely. in 2004 we had a very serious emergency situation a few years ago where SO was in ICU for 10 days...It was very touch and go and I didn't know if he would make it or not...we just had to wait and see.
His family came to me first about everything and they knew anything that happened would be my call. They stepped back and let me take care of business.
Yes they offered to help and take some pressure off of me, but they didn't overstep.
Now sure, a family can take anything to court married or not! Lets not forget the Shivo case! If family wants to try to override, yes they can.
However, having your wishes put on paper goes a hella long way. So married or not, its always best to square up so there's nothing hanging.
-A
His family came to me first about everything and they knew anything that happened would be my call. They stepped back and let me take care of business.
Yes they offered to help and take some pressure off of me, but they didn't overstep.
Now sure, a family can take anything to court married or not! Lets not forget the Shivo case! If family wants to try to override, yes they can.
However, having your wishes put on paper goes a hella long way. So married or not, its always best to square up so there's nothing hanging.
-A
shortdub78 said:
HoneyDew
Well-Known Member
I am so glad to hear that ladies are doing this!! My SO and I talked about it this morning.
We do not want our families to get in the way. If something happened to me, my mom and dad would totally push my SO out of the way!!!
I would prefer to have them work together to deal with my affairs and I fear the worst without something legal in place.
We do not want our families to get in the way. If something happened to me, my mom and dad would totally push my SO out of the way!!!
I would prefer to have them work together to deal with my affairs and I fear the worst without something legal in place.
shortdub78 said:
HoneyDew
Well-Known Member
Arcadian said:
That is what I would want. Even with my SO having an ex-wife and kids - when we first started dating we went out of the country together and I remember seeing something in his passport that listed her as the contact in case of an emergency. I understood since they have the kids. That has changed now, but we still need something legal in place.
seraphinelle
Well-Known Member
Couldn't be me boi.
Wow.
Wow.
Bint Yusef
New Member
That was the point I was going to raise.HoneyDew said:
A family member had been with her long term partner for almost 9 years and they lived together .He passed way with no will, his grown adult children came and basically seized everything and she is now essentially homeless. Its a whole lot of legality too with all that mixed money and who owns what....a total mess.
However my personal motto was the 2 years rule.
Bint Yusef
New Member
The two year rule means from the start of an exclsuive relationship you have 2 years to become engaged, and after that 2 years to actually get married. I would not date a man for more than 2 years without a proposal, its a waste of my time. If we dont know in 2 years then its time to move on, and I dont believe in those long drawn out engagements either. I recognize this may not work for everyone, but its my motto and it worked.Integrity said:
Dare~to~Dream
Well-Known Member
OnAHairQuest said:
This is the rule I follow as well...
seraphinelle
Well-Known Member
OnAHairQuest said:
I agree with this.
Arcadian
New Member
I'll go ahead and answer that since I think shortdub was trying to quote me and just didn't get the quote part correct:
Yes, we COULD have gotten married. I didn't want to (still dont!)
But since we both have a lot of material things brought into one house hold, plus, we wanted our wishes known on the health front, yes it does take time to make sure everything is the way you want. The amount of paper between us, I think we may be killed a tree
We started with the most important stuff; the health paperwork. Being that I'm not shy about my medical history (I had cancer twice), Its something that I advocate for ANYONE, good or bad health because you just never know whats going to happen.
Our house was bought by both of us; meaning, we jointly own it, and have jointly made payments to it. We now own it jointly outright.
We have property that we've bought together, we have property we bought separately.
If his family wanted to be pissy if he died, they could try to get his half. They no doubt wouldn't win but yeah they could try it. But they could do that even if I was married to him!
They can have whatever of his that they want, but they can't get nothing of mine.
If we ever "divorce" whats mine is mine, whats his is his, and everything else gets split.
Being married dosen't protect you from everything, especially if/when people wanna act a fool or get greedy. Lots of people miss that point. But, if its discussed and both parties agree, why bother if you don't really want to?
I like the dynamic of my relationship as it is now. He will do no less for me or I for him with an "I DO". We both give 100% to our relationship. Now if we could get tax breaks (up here we can't) or something like that, we'd be married, thats reason enough for me.
For those who choose the Wedding Chapel route, hey, more power to them! But its not the route for everyone.
-A
Yes, we COULD have gotten married. I didn't want to (still dont!)
But since we both have a lot of material things brought into one house hold, plus, we wanted our wishes known on the health front, yes it does take time to make sure everything is the way you want. The amount of paper between us, I think we may be killed a tree
We started with the most important stuff; the health paperwork. Being that I'm not shy about my medical history (I had cancer twice), Its something that I advocate for ANYONE, good or bad health because you just never know whats going to happen.
Our house was bought by both of us; meaning, we jointly own it, and have jointly made payments to it. We now own it jointly outright.
We have property that we've bought together, we have property we bought separately.
If his family wanted to be pissy if he died, they could try to get his half. They no doubt wouldn't win but yeah they could try it. But they could do that even if I was married to him!
They can have whatever of his that they want, but they can't get nothing of mine.
If we ever "divorce" whats mine is mine, whats his is his, and everything else gets split.
Being married dosen't protect you from everything, especially if/when people wanna act a fool or get greedy. Lots of people miss that point. But, if its discussed and both parties agree, why bother if you don't really want to?
I like the dynamic of my relationship as it is now. He will do no less for me or I for him with an "I DO". We both give 100% to our relationship. Now if we could get tax breaks (up here we can't) or something like that, we'd be married, thats reason enough for me.
For those who choose the Wedding Chapel route, hey, more power to them! But its not the route for everyone.
-A
Integrity said:
I respect your decision, although it seems like you went through SO much paperwork, legal bills and time that would've been inherently yours with just marrying him. It's almost as if you went through all this trouble to get married without being marriedArcadian said:I'll go ahead and answer that since I think shortdub was trying to quote me and just didn't get the quote part correct:
Yes, we COULD have gotten married. I didn't want to (still dont!)
But since we both have a lot of material things brought into one house hold, plus, we wanted our wishes known on the health front, yes it does take time to make sure everything is the way you want. The amount of paper between us, I think we may be killed a tree
We started with the most important stuff; the health paperwork. Being that I'm not shy about my medical history (I had cancer twice), Its something that I advocate for ANYONE, good or bad health because you just never know whats going to happen.
Our house was bought by both of us; meaning, we jointly own it, and have jointly made payments to it. We now own it jointly outright.
We have property that we've bought together, we have property we bought separately.
If his family wanted to be pissy if he died, they could try to get his half. They no doubt wouldn't win but yeah they could try it. But they could do that even if I was married to him!
They can have whatever of his that they want, but they can't get nothing of mine.
If we ever "divorce" whats mine is mine, whats his is his, and everything else gets split.
Being married dosen't protect you from everything, especially if/when people wanna act a fool or get greedy. Lots of people miss that point. But, if its discussed and both parties agree, why bother if you don't really want to?
I like the dynamic of my relationship as it is now. He will do no less for me or I for him with an "I DO". We both give 100% to our relationship. Now if we could get tax breaks (up here we can't) or something like that, we'd be married, thats reason enough for me.
For those who choose the Wedding Chapel route, hey, more power to them! But its not the route for everyone.
-A
erplexed I don't get it, but I don't have to. Whatever works for you is what you must do.
love, marriage, babies yourleoqueen
New Member
Uhm, wouldn't a Civil Ceremony be easier than all that? Marriage in the eyes of the state only, all the legalities of marriage without the the promise to God. I mean I'm just asking. 
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
Look y'all, Arcadian DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED! End of discussion!
(Even though she is. )
(Even though she is. )
