Handled?

[movingforward]

OPster I would ENCOURAGE my husband to have family time in our home......even if it meant creating a "man-cave" for him. I would be the gracious hostess with the beer, music or whatever they may need.

If the brother invited his GF to the event, I will keep her distracted for an hour or two and offer to drop her off at home.

That's the only suggestion I have since you don't want to go out with them. But definitely don't talk to the brother. You can also suggest to your husband if he feels uncomfortable that he could graciously leave.

But the brother is being messy, I believe unintentionally, but he wants his brother to "join him" in his mid-life crisis.

 

[syze6]

OPster I would ENCOURAGE my husband to have family time in our home......even if it meant creating a "man-cave" for him. I would be the gracious hostess with the beer, music or whatever they may need.

If the brother invited his GF to the event, I will keep her distracted for an hour or two and offer to drop her off at home.

That's the only suggestion I have since you don't want to go out with them. But definitely don't talk to the brother. You can also suggest to your husband if he feels uncomfortable that he could graciously leave.

But the brother is being messy, I believe unintentionally, but he wants his brother to "join him" in his mid-life crisis.

LOL! I have said it myself he MUST be in some sort of mid-life crisis. You are late late 40's club and bar hopping with the 20+year old....really???

 

[GetHappy2014]

@syze6 I say get a babysitter ('cause I think you mentioned kids)get all purtied up and take yo behind to that club and yuck it up all night long, hang all over your boo, rub his back, rub his thighs and give him a massage. Make your presence known at least one good time.

I think the girlfriend's clinginess is just her young age.

 

[God_Favor]

I could go but I choose not to go. I'm not a club and bar person. I have been to them, but I'm just fine at home enjoying my me time when I get it. Truth be told by 11pm, I am in dreamland! LOL! Please don't groan me. I've been there and done the partying thing in my college and pre-mommy days. I'm not interested in those settings anymore.

When he meets his brother, he's under the assumption it will be the two of them. When he gets there, the girl is there and someone else. When he ask his brother about it, he makes it seems as if at the last minute she wanted to show up. He doesn't invite me to go, I'm sure because I am friends with his ex-girlfriend. The same ex. he keeps misleading about the status of his current relationship.

Girl, you know we don't have a groan button over here. You forgot where you were posting, lol

 

[movingforward]

LOL! I have said it myself he MUST be in some sort of mid-life crisis. You are late late 40's club and bar hoping with the 20+year old....really???

Girl that's why I only date men who has bypassed that. I won't deal with that as a 39 year old woman.

 

[PuddingPop]

You need to show your face on their outings every once in a while. I'm like you OP. I like the comfort of my own home , very rarely go out, don't do the club thing etc. FH is the opposite, he likes hanging with friends, parties , etc. I'm almost always invited and I know some of the other girlfriends always go. Honestly , 97% of the time I decline , but every once in a while I suck it up and tag along and just people watch, get a feeling of the group dynamics , etc.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I don't think you need to do anything. Get gussied up for what? Don't sink to her disgusting level. Your dh knows what's up and seems trustworthy. Let him deal with it. You don't want to invite an annoying **** into your life in anyway unless necessary. Your man knows when to leave so leave him to it and enjoy your time at home.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

@syze6 I say get a babysitter ('cause I think you mentioned kids)get all purtied up and take yo behind to that club and yuck it up all night long, hang all over your boo, rub his back, rub his thighs and give him a massage. Make your presence known at least one good time.

I think the girlfriend's clinginess is just her young age.

Nah. I recommend the opposite. I am not for playing games. She doesn't need to claim him because he isn't going anywhere . And if he was then trying to be something you are not won't change anything. Making her presence known won't do anything but encourage this lady to keep on competing.

In this case she has a man who knows what is up and leaves when things aren't right so I believe she has nothing to worry about regardless.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I wouldn't change a thing. The brother-in-law probably doesn't even realize his girl is trying to get a friend/relative to push up on his married brother. Men can be oblivious.

So long as the husband realizes what's up and isn't receptive to it, nothing to see here.

My husband has been in similar situations with his male friends and their girlfriends as well as his brothers and their wives/girlfriends. His SIL tried to set DH up all the time, including at least once after she knew we were dating. She had her friend at the house for dinner and asked DH to drive the friend to her car. Sure, WE drove her (and her kid) to her car. The setup stuff with SIL stopped, finally, after that night.

 

[GetHappy2014]

WE drove her (and her kid) to her car. The setup stuff with SIL stopped, finally, after that night.

@naturalmanenyc why did you emphasize the fact that you and your DH drove her... Why did you decide to go?

I think women need to step out of their comfort zone sometimes... I am not suggesting she makes a fool of herself but I think it is important that she meets them (figuratively) where they are...

I say this, as a happy single women who get lots of unwanted attention from married men... I say 'keep it spicy'...

 

[hopeful]

@naturalmanenyc why did you emphasize the fact that you and your DH drove her... Why did you decide to go?

I think women need to step out of their comfort zone sometimes... I am not suggesting she makes a fool of herself but I think it is important that she meets them (figuratively) where they are...

I say this, as a happy single women who get lots of unwanted attention from married men... I say 'keep it spicy'...

Not NaturalMane, but I think she emphasized that to point out that she and dh (then bf) are a team and that appearances and making a statement matters -- that's how they shut down SIL's attempts. Also even if he had no interest in the woman, driving her to her car alone would not look right since he had a girlfriend who was there. It's about respect and cherishing.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

@naturalmanenyc why did you emphasize the fact that you and your DH drove her... Why did you decide to go?

I think women need to step out of their comfort zone sometimes... I am not suggesting she makes a fool of herself but I think it is important that she meets them (figuratively) where they are...

I say this, as a happy single women who get lots of unwanted attention from married men... I say 'keep it spicy'...

I believe SIL thought I was going to sit there with her and the rest of the family/guests while he drove her friend/kid back to her car alone.
We didn't even discuss it. DH (BF back then) said sure he'd drive her. He got my coat, helped me into it and waited for her and the kid to get themselves together.

I later learned that SIL had been trying to set him up with this woman for a while, always having her show up to family events and having him drive her to her car.
The have a huge house with garage, driveway and street parking in the suburbs but this woman kept parking far away such that she needed a ride back to her car all the time.
No doubt that was SIL's idea and DH didn't even think about how silly it was until I pointed it out.

 

[GetHappy2014]

but I think she emphasized that to point out that she and dh (then bf) are a team and that appearances and making a statement matters -- that's how they shut down SIL's attempts.

The point I'm trying to make is... Whether it was initiated by bf(bf then now DH) or naturalmanenyc, an effort was made to send a message to SIL. I am suggesting that syze6 does the same. Send a message... Show that you are a team.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

The point I'm trying to make is... Whether it was initiated by bf(bf then now DH) or naturalmanenyc, an effort was made to send a message to SIL. I am suggesting that syze6 does the same. Send a message... Show that you are a team.

No, it wasn't about sending a message to SIL. It was about respect. You don't leave your girlfriend sitting with your family/friends while you drive another woman to her car.
Had he driven her and asked me to stay behind, we probably would not be married. I don't think @syze6 needs to do anything differently. Her husband is handling it. He removes himself from the situation when he's uncomfortable and he will eventually stop hanging out with the brother all together, reaching that decision on his own.

I wouldn't get all dressed up to go hang in some club with a 20 year old girl draping herself all over my BIL. It's not worth the waste of makeup. Her DH already shut the girl down. That is a TeamUS move without OP having to leave the house.

 

[hopeful]

The point I'm trying to make is... Whether it was initiated by bf(bf then now DH) or naturalmanenyc, an effort was made to send a message to SIL. I am suggesting that syze6 does the same. Send a message... Show that you are a team.

I understand what you are saying now. I think the difference is that she and dh behaved naturally in the face of an intruder. They didn't go out of their way, it just happened. Also, her dh initiated the reaction to his sister.

The op does not like clubs. That is not her thing. Also, she may not be the type to be rubbing on his leg and massaging him etc. So for her to be doing alladat is a lot of effort and she would probably feel silly. The op's husband is already being open and transparent and looks like he is ready to shut things down. So in this case she really doesn't need to do anything else at this point. And besides, again, this is a situation her hubby should handle because it is between him and his brother.

 

[PJaye]

IME, this is what's happening:

- The brother wants to chill with the OP's husband and his idea of chilling is going to bars and/or clubs
- The girlfriend tags along because that's what clingy tenderonis do
- The girlfriend brings a buddy to keep her company during the dry moments, and because being the only woman in a situation can sometimes be boring and tiresome
- The brother brings the girlfriend and her buddies because chilling is more fun with more people; besides, the tenderoni would become nutty if he went to a bar/club without her (ANGTFT)
- The OP's husband is keeping hope alive that when he hangs out with his brother, it will be to spend quality time while enjoying an activity, even if it's just sitting in a bar grabbing a few drinks
- The girlfriend asks intrusive questions and discusses her sex life/preferences because that's what dumb tenderonis believe is normal behavior these days
- The girlfriend's topics of conversation are also the way dumb tenderonis practice their flirting tactics; while being somewhat harmless, they're also extremely inappropriate and off-putting
- The brother doesn't see anything wrong with his girlfriend's behavior because he's immature (anyone who dates someone 20 years their junior has to be largely juvenile)
- The brother extends his invites to the OP's husband in such a way that they will always effect the desired outcome - (1) he tells his brother that they will hang out, but fails to mention the girlfriend and her buddies tagging along in order to gain his consent; (2) he infers that a given activity will allow for an opportunity to have quality time despite its boisterous locale to also gain his consent; (3) he limits the outings to bars and clubs so that (a) the OP won't bristle at not being invited alongside her husband; (b) the OP's husband won't hesitate to accept despite his wife not being specifically invited; (c) it ensures that the OP won't attend because her attendance would blow up his spot with his ex and the current tenderoni; the fact that he has detailed and truth-based answers to the tenderoni's "where is your wife?" questions lends credence to this supposition; (d) he can engage in an age-inappropriate activity that he and his tenderoni girlfriend will enjoy

OP, pull your husband's coat to what's going on; he will know how to handle the situation.

 

[GetHappy2014]

@PJaye it was so much to read so I may have not paid careful attention to everything, but I do agree with your assessment of the situation. But my response is based on my personal experiences and observations of wives "all of a sudden" trying something new to re-capture the attention of their husbands. When they should have been playing the game many years prior. So when I read that OP has taken coverage (and encouraged to do so) to her "comfort zone" so to speak.... I am a little bothered. Did OP enjoy or do the club scene when she and DH were dating?

@naturalmanenyc I don't necessarily see how bf (at the time) would have been rude for driving the friend and child to their car without you. I see it as him leaving you in a nice warm house with great people (his family) enjoying a meal, tea or coffee... While he braves the night air to do a favor. Actually, I think there was a vibe in the air and you and Bf/DH acted accordingly, to squash it.

 

[IronButterfly]

If the brother is bringing along a girlfriend, then the s/o/husband ought to bring his wife/s/o. Period.

 

[Naveah2050]

I have never been invited by the brother or gf because he invites my hubby to hang out. My hubby says when the gf ask WHY I'm not out, it's not about really wanting me out with them. He says it's more like she digs as to what's the issue that your woman is not here also. Is there a reason she don't club with you type of thing. He did mention that when he does come around her, she is OVER friendly with him. She is always complimenting him and telling him how handsome she thinks he looks that day. He left one time because her said the conversation she was having with him made him feel uncomfortable. He said all the while the brother is sitting there drinking like he in some daze not paying attention to what she is saying. He did mention that she made a comment about her not thinking I would be his wife before she met me. She pictured him with someone more outgoing like him...whatever the hell that means!

OP is your hubby the type to be passive aggressive? This all reads to me like he is saying what she is saying while all along he is the one that is really saying it --- like he wants you to go out and be with him publicly doing something that he enjoys and fawning over him. He may be trying to give you signs that if you ain't want to hang with him someone else does.... I don't see why else he would be telling you all this in editors stuff, if he feels uncomfortable he would have already shut it down

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up maybe try a chilled out lounge just the once.