Going from intimate to abstinence.

Crackers Phinn said:
When you see someone you love entrenched in a train wreck, it's hard not to feel some kind of way about it. As long as the MIL stays in her lane, which is outside of their marriage, then it's whatever.
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This is so true. But though many don't believe it, hubby and I are very careful not to redirect our disappointment at the DIL. This is totally about our son and his choices. She has skills, they just aren't the ones I prefer. Maybe in some way we weren't good teaches of life lessons to our son. But as my sisters stated " men are simple -- the golden vagina"wins out every time."

The good news is in November, I won't have children anymore. They and their problems will magically disappear. We become parents of a grandchild :grin:.
 
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I just abstain. I cannot envision indulging and THEN abstaining and the relationship surviving. Some things you can't go back from IMO. But then again, there are people who have done so and it's working for them.

I don't do so as any particular type of religious conviction or a manipulation technique, I just prefer the relationship be at a certain level prior to sharing those things -- we need to be "at a certain place". In the past, that "place" for me was engaged but now that I am pretty sure I do not want to get married again, that "place" is somewhere different although there is a certain level of permanence or future attached to the union. I wasn't always this way. I jumped some bones in the 80s (ziplocks and all) but there was one particular bone that I LOVED and he left me hanging and married a VIRGIN which he made a big deal of bragging about. So it occurred to me that the 2 years I'd dated him, he was sleeping with me because she wasn't sleeping with him and he had no intention of marrying me. I was just exercise. I never ever got over that and I cannot stomach the idea of a man using my body that way -- no matter how much fun it is for me at the time, it hurts too much later for it to be worth it. It's best for me to just wait it out. I have only MYSELF to look at in the mirror everyday and I need to love and respect what I see.
 
Transformer said:
No...apparently he wanted this one. So he's good. Classic case of opposites attract. He dated many, but this one apparently rang his bell better than the others. She's extremely feminine....always with makeup/hair on point....total opposite of me. He doesn't care that she can't enter a discussion on the Feds control of interest rates.

Some people say that men marry their mother.....he definite didn't do that.

A friend of mine shared her story of her son marrying a girl with four children....none of which were his.... at the age 25. The young lady became totally disabled. It became too much for him and he's had to retire his Superman cape.
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:lachen::lachen::lachen:Died...you are too funny.
 
I did go from intimate to abstinence but for other reasons. I knew the person I was seeing was not going to let me out of the relationship for any reason. So I cooked up this no sex until we get married knowing full well he would cheat. He did. I caught him. It was over.

That's when I was much younger and didn't think I had options in exiting a bad situation. But it did work....like a charm.
 
GoldenRule said:
I just abstain. I cannot envision indulging and THEN abstaining and the relationship surviving. Some things you can't go back from IMO. But then again, there are people who have done so and it's working for them.

I don't do so as any particular type of religious conviction or a manipulation technique, I just prefer the relationship be at a certain level prior to sharing those things -- we need to be "at a certain place". In the past, that "place" for me was engaged but now that I am pretty sure I do not want to get married again, that "place" is somewhere different although there is a certain level of permanence or future attached to the union. I wasn't always this way. I jumped some bones in the 80s (ziplocks and all) but there was one particular bone that I LOVED and he left me hanging and married a VIRGIN which he made a big deal of bragging about. So it occurred to me that the 2 years I'd dated him, he was sleeping with me because she wasn't sleeping with him and he had no intention of marrying me. I was just exercise. I never ever got over that and I cannot stomach the idea of a man using my body that way -- no matter how much fun it is for me at the time, it hurts too much later for it to be worth it. It's best for me to just wait it out. I have only MYSELF to look at in the mirror everyday and I need to love and respect what I see.
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GoldenRule Girl...that made me mad just reading that. :nono: Men can be dogs which is one reason now I make me happy. Damn what they want and what they need. If it doesn't work for me then...well...shoo fly.
 
ElizaBlue said:
@GoldenRule Girl...that made me mad just reading that. :nono: Men can be dogs which is one reason now I make me happy. Damn what they want and what they need. If it doesn't work for me then...well...shoo fly.
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You know what though...I was about 19-21 during that relationship. I think he was 27-29. It was a hard lesson but I am so grateful that I learned it early on. He is still married to that woman so I guess it was meant to be. He always talked about how he was an only child and he needed a boatload of kids (which made me nervous because at the time I did not like babies) and unfortunately it ended up that they could not have any (not sure if it was him or her but it never happened) and I had my boatload of kids with someone who adored and treasured me. Life has a way of working out for the best.
 
GoldenRule said:
You know what though...I was about 19-21 during that relationship. I think he was 27-29. It was a hard lesson but I am so grateful that I learned it early on. He is still married to that woman so I guess it was meant to be. He always talked about how he was an only child and he needed a boatload of kids (which made me nervous because at the time I did not like babies) and unfortunately it ended up that they could not have any (not sure if it was him or her but it never happened) and I had my boatload of kids with someone who adored and treasured me. Life has a way of working out for the best.
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Isn't it odd, men choices. He wanted to marry " a good girl" or was it really something else.....he really was quite a bit older - mentally and chronological than you.

He was fine with her practicing abstinence, so it was something else that attracted or forced him to her.
 
GoldenRule said:
You know what though...I was about 19-21 during that relationship. I think he was 27-29. It was a hard lesson but I am so grateful that I learned it early on. He is still married to that woman so I guess it was meant to be. He always talked about how he was an only child and he needed a boatload of kids (which made me nervous because at the time I did not like babies) and unfortunately it ended up that they could not have any (not sure if it was him or her but it never happened) and I had my boatload of kids with someone who adored and treasured me. Life has a way of working out for the best.
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Just Dues Indeed! He perceived value based on character and still didn't get what he wanted. Ha! His loss. He could also be staying with her out of some sense of obligation or maybe he truly loves her. I wonder why if he wanted kids and she really did too, why not adopt.
 
But for me now...abstinence holds no keys. I'm not looking to ever get married again and honestly enjoy being a woman just too much for my own reasons to go without. Don't judge me....:ohwell:
 
Abstinence has such a negative connotation in this thread.

Let's pretend for a moment ... the girl (not sure why we're not talking about guys) is not being manipulative, running game, or chasing a ring. What if she A) truly does feel the relationship has gone too fast, B) truly has re-dedicated her life to Christ, or C) embarking on some other spiritual journey?

Should she just keep flucking cause "oh well it's too late, get on that bed, woman" :lol: or dump him? I mean, if she is straight forward about it, the dude has the option to leave. No one is taking that away from him.
 
Abstinence isn't negative ...it's the timing of abstinence that could be viewed as negative.

Come on folks in relationships don't usually practice abstinence after having a sexual relationship. Deciding that you want to instate abstinence after the fact is usually a sign that something has gone wrong in your life/relationship to cause a 180 degree turn. Folks are certainly free to adapt the lifestyle and not care what their partner thinks.

I would expect a Devout Christian not to have a sexual relationship before marriage....so that qualifies me as a self professed Jack Christian.
 
It's a personal preference. Some men understand it, some don't and they're welcome to keep it moving. I find the older I get, the less it's an issue. When it really WOULD have been an issue dating-wise, I was married and having a ball (on the regular). What I've seen about men the older I get is that sure, they still want to get in your pants (they are men, after all) but moreso I bump into those who want to get into my pants POCKET even more. So not only must you guard your britches, you learn to guard your Mastercard as well.
 
GoldenRule said:
It's a personal preference. Some men understand it, some don't and they're welcome to keep it moving. I find the older I get, the less it's an issue. When it really WOULD have been an issue dating-wise, I was married and having a ball (on the regular). What I've seen about men the older I get is that sure, they still want to get in your pants (they are men, after all) but moreso I bump into those who want to get into my pants POCKET even more. So not only must you guard your britches, you learn to guard your Mastercard as well.
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:grin::grin: that is so true. YOUNG men look at me ...for my VISA, MasterCard, AmEX, and of course the golden military ID card. I had a guy propose in less than 15 minutes. But of course everyone of them would be willing to support my vow of chastity and abstinence :lachen::lachen:
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Abstinence has such a negative connotation in this thread. Let's pretend for a moment ... the girl (not sure why we're not talking about guys) is not being manipulative, running game, or chasing a ring. What if she A) truly does feel the relationship has gone too fast, B) truly has re-dedicated her life to Christ, or C) embarking on some other spiritual journey? Should she just keep flucking cause "oh well it's too late, get on that bed, woman" :lol: or dump him? I mean, if she is straight forward about it, the dude has the option to leave. No one is taking that away from him.
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Because thank wasn't enough!!!
I'm happy with my decision and did it because I rededicated my life to Christ. IMO the relationship went from 50-100 really fast we were engaged for 4 months found out I was preggo and everything just seemed different on both sides. I felt so distant from everything and everyone for the entire pregnancy and about 6 months afterward. I did feel spiritually empty and start having revelations about my life choices and knew what needed to be done to get back to me so I could be the best me.
I made the choice for ME not knowing what that meant for the relationship because if I'm not at my best the relationship would've dwindled anyway. I'm glad he was/is respectful of my decision. But if he weren't I wouldn't change my decision because it was never about his acceptance but my own.
I'm not doing this so he will marry me because he already expressed that desire well before I got pregnant and made this decision. I'm doing it because I believe that sex should be experienced within a marriage. I have always thought that but wasn't raised, taught or shown that. I was simply told not to get pregnant while living in my mothers house. Not that I'm worth more than just sex, not wait until you are grown and can make such a life changing experience, nor was I told to practice safe sex or about STDs. It took me getting pregnant and having my daughter for me to realize a lot. But with God it's never to late just right on time!
 
Ms.Lyons

I think you were rethinking your entire relationship/involvement with the guy. I think it was more than sexual abstinence...there is a niggling thought in your head questioning if this is the right person for you.
 
I'm aware that my cultural context is completely different from yours, so no offense, but it just seems odd to me to be celibate within a relationship that has already been sexual. Especially after giving birth to a child?

What is it he hasn't seen yet...or will see soon enough again lol?

I mean, either you're a virgin or you're not. Once you've lost your virginity you can't get it back.

Enjoy your sex life and enjoy the man/men in your life to the fullest. Enjoy your bodies. (Responsibly.) Don't be so hard on yourselves. If your man doesn't wow you in bed, work on it together or find someone else to play with.
 
@ transformer--i feel ya POV in regard to your son--dont have kids but have brothers and male cousins and its always interesting the women they end up with not being quite what we expected and how they were raised

and i agree with you on ppl all of a sudden practicing abstinence----whatever issues a person has ok but dont bring someone else into that--whatever self discovery your on cool--but to be in a relationship with someone and then say oh im tryna figure out my xyz....talk about an emotional/physical mind phluckkk..ppl with issues need to figure that out b4 they go into a rlp...bringing the lord and jesus into ones lustfull night of xxx...:rolleyes:



Transformer said:
Also, I think when folks want to call a time out and practice abstinence....is a sign that they moved too fast in the beginning.

I not one of those people that believe in "mental virginity." This doesn't mean that you shouldn't restrain from sex.....I just don't believe you should use the moral or religious argument. Just say, our relationship is too much about sex....not that Jesus wants you to reclaim your virginity.
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Transformer said:
Ms.Lyons I think you were rethinking your entire relationship/involvement with the guy. I think it was more than sexual abstinence...there is a niggling thought in your head questioning if this is the right person for you.
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Transformer
Yes at one point I did. Like I said it was too fast for me. I've been engaged 2 other times and I called them off because I wasn't ready. I felt at this time I was ready and fear set in. But as far as me deciding to practice abstinence until marriage is spiritual/religious. I don't want to attach my soul to anyone but my husband the person I will spend the rest of my life growing with. It's in the bible that sex should only be enjoyed within a marriage. Yes people, myself included don't always follow what is in the bible but I can't expect to grow closer to God knowingly sinning when I can control it. My relationship and commitment to God is that important to ME.
 
FlowerHair said:
I'm aware that my cultural context is completely different from yours, so no offense, but it just seems odd to me to be celibate within a relationship that has already been sexual. Especially after giving birth to a child? What is it he hasn't seen yet...or will see soon enough again lol? I mean, either you're a virgin or you're not. Once you've lost your virginity you can't get it back. Enjoy your sex life and enjoy the man/men in your life to the fullest. Enjoy your bodies. (Responsibly.) Don't be so hard on yourselves. If your man doesn't wow you in bed, work on it together or find someone else to play with.
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I see your point and trust I have thought the same but ultimately it came down to knowing what I believed to be right and what my spirit knows is right. My faith is just that my faith. I can't expect someone else to understand it. My virginity was taken from me so it was never my choice. FlowerHair
 
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Yes this very peculiar
If anyone in a relationship decides that they would rather stop sleeping with the other (unmarried ) there should be no issues. Either leave or deal.

No you can never get your virginity back but in religious cases sometimes you become fed up with your sin and are truly repentant.
 
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This seems very judgmental. In the real world, people don't always learn, have revelations, etc. when it's convenient. Ideally, yes. But things don't always happen in order or how we wish it would.
 
@Ms.Lyons
I wish the absolute best on your self discovery and hope that your young man is there to support your efforts and your child. But don't be so hard on yourself, religion should not bring shame and guilt, but it seems like possessing guilt is the cornerstone of Christian religion.

I was raised in a fundamentalist christian household that had absolutely no joy...I was taught that you could never be good enough in the sight of the Lord. Just waking up in the morning was sinning, being happy that birds was singing was sinful. It brought so much guilt and depression in my life that I had to give it up. I don't wish the depression and guilt for you.

Now you either a "runaway bride" or you and your young man needs counseling and a marriage certification to resolve you of this christian guilt about having sex. If you truly don't think he's the right person for you....the sooner you make a definitive decision the better you will feel.

I'm a bit of an historian so.... engagements/betrothals were legally binding arrangements that guaranteed any children born of the union would be considered legitimate and therefore could inherit property. The parties had not experienced a legal wedding for a variety of reasons..so betrothals were entered into until the wedding was performed ----this was something that was recognized by the church.
 
Ms.Lyons said:
I see your point and trust I have thought the same but ultimately it came down to knowing what I believed to be right and what my spirit knows is right. My faith is just that my faith. I can't expect someone else to understand it. My virginity was taken from me so it was never my choice. FlowerHair
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I'm glad you have made the decision to put God first in everything. My sister is in the same situation as you are only it's her boyfriend who decided to become celibate after the relationship was established. He has already let her know that God is number one in his life and he has made the decision to refrain from sex until marriage. My sister appreciates his moral center and desire to follow God no matter what even if she isn't too thrilled by the no sex rule. They plan to be married in a few months- something they were talking about before removing sex from their relationship.
 
Transformer said:
I have ABSOLUTELY no bitterness toward my DIL. I'm just disappointed that my son couldn't see through the feminine wiles and manipulation. I feel bad for him that he will go through life with so much financial and emotional stress because EVERYTHING is on him including her emotional well being. At times, I can tell it's a bit much but he's in too deep now. However, his eyes were wide opened --he did not go into the relationship/wedding dumb and ignorant of her situation and the requirements. At the wedding, he introduced her at "the Diva that I will have to take care of for the rest of my life." For the most part, he's happy and I'm THRILLED that I will be a grandmother soon.

But that doesn't mean that I don't wish things were a bit different for him. He works very long hours, completing a Masters in Finance, cooks all the meals (just called for instructions on how to bake pork chops), handles all household issues, and her mental health issues. There is very little time for himself.

This is about him....not about her.
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This answer everything that was "off" regarding your tone and shade of the "preacher's daughter " lol.

Your son has a lot on his hand dealing with the new wife. Hope he is truly happy because his life is gonna to fully revolve around her needs and issues. If he is happy, all the things you see as "off" will seem simple to him. It seem as though u are a mom with your child's best interest in mind, but he has made his choice. Keep him prayed up and I wish them the very best.
 
For some people of faith, their relationship with God transcends any relationship with any human being. So, if God demands abstinence before marriage, a person may slip and fall and then decide to get right with God. It is. Or about virginity but chastity. Yes, dude has seen the goods, the bell cannot be unrung but they still feel they owe God the abstinence. If you do not believe in God obviously you cannot see the point. It is what it is...
 
And yes, sometimes people do realize that sex, cohabitation and having a child may have clouded their judgment. Rather than go ahead in what may be a mistake, there is nothing wrong with wiping the slate as long as both parties are into it.
 
Farida said:
For some people of faith, their relationship with God transcends any relationship with any human being. So, if God demands abstinence before marriage, a person may slip and fall and then decide to get right with God. It is. Or about virginity but chastity. Yes, dude has seen the goods, the bell cannot be unrung but they still feel they owe God the abstinence. If you do not believe in God obviously you cannot see the point. It is what it is...
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I just feel like it's having your cake and eating it too. Like if you already have that foundation where you believe in God and know the teachings - why start going against it if that foundation is able to dictate your life with months or in a year or so? Your flesh was able to take over. Then you feel bad and decide to change it up and now you are saved.
 
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