Friend's DH is a cheat

[southern_girl]

What would you do if you knew for fact your friend's husband was cheating? And you have proof?

I have thought about anonymous email for fear of damaging the friendship etc.

 

[weaveologist]

I think I replied to something like this a few months ago with the same story, but here goes:

I was faced with a similar situation a few years ago. I went to an event that my friend couldn't attend because she was about eight months preggers. Her husband was there. As the event unfolded I was approached my another friend and her cousin that told me that the cousin saw my friend's DH outside tounge kissing this chick. This stressed me out because everyone felt like I should be the one to tell her since I was closest to her. Not only that but the DH went outside and was hiding his relationship with this women because he never expected me to show up because usually I wouldn't come to an event without my friend (his wife).

So I go in the back room of the club because I am stressed out and am trying to decide what to do. My friend was pregnant with her first child at 30-something years old so was ELATED to be preggers and here I am about to f' everything up for her. So I look up from the table and in the corner of this unlit back room is her DH and the chick all hugged up! So I called my friend, told her what was going on and left.

We contined to speak after that. I was sure to stay out of the BS but she told me how she figured he was cheating, but never left him. I never told her what to do because I didn't want to seem like the single friend that just wanted her to be single too. A few months later her and I were at another friend's home. Thanksgiving was the next day. She gets a call on her phone that DH is at home with her son with another chick. So she jumps up and leaves. I follow her in my car because my friends persuaded me to so that we can know everything is okay. So I am sitting outside her house trying to reach her and I see a familiar face (a mutual friend) leaving out the house. I then call my friend. She says she made it home but he "got the ***** out the house before she could get home. Again I am faced with do I say something?? So I did. I tell her that I just saw the hieffer leaving out the house, which means DH hid her in the house until it was safe for her to creep out.

After that she tried to ask me thousands of questions to make sure I'd seen what I saw on these two occassions. DH was trying to make it seem like I was just starting mess and trying to ruin his marriage....I looked like the bad guy to our group of both male and female friends for a long time but they could never question my loyality to my friends. DH was NOT my firned. I knew him, but my loyality was to her. My motivation was that IF she was to find out from someone else what happened and knew that I was there to witness and did not tell her, what would SHE think of ME?

Hope that answers your question.

 

[southern_girl]

Yes, thank you. So basically she decided to stay. Which is also what I fear bc they have kids together as well as their own coming into the marriage.

I just don't think he will stop and I'm afraid he will give her something.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

It would be a no-brainer for me. I would tell my friend immediately.

 

[weaveologist]

Yes, thank you. So basically she decided to stay. Which is also what I fear bc they have kids together as well as their own coming into the marriage.

I just don't think he will stop and I'm afraid he will give her something.

No. She left him eventually. Then a year later got back with him. Now they are finalizing the divorce.

 

[JustKiya]

I would tell my friend - esp. if I had proof. Whatever happens after that - you have done the right thing.... she's a grown woman, and how she handles her relationship afterwards is up to her.

 

[BrownEyez22]

I would tell my friend - esp. if I had proof. Whatever happens after that - you have done the right thing.... she's a grown woman, and how she handles her relationship afterwards is up to her.

I agree give her the information and let her decide what to do with it. I would only be hestiant to tell her if I had no proof, just suspicions. Good Luck!

 

[southern_girl]

Thanks ladies!

 

[NeeSee]

These situations can be tricky. All women don't act the same when given news like this regardless of who brings it to their attention. You know your girl better than we do. How do you think she would react if you were to tell her? Do you think she would be appreciative or would she get upset with you? Do you think she would be hurt and feel betrayed if you didn't tell her and later she found out that you knew? Think about those things a minute before you make your decision to do whatever it is that you are going to do.

 

[gabulldawg]

I definitely agree with what was already said. If you consider her to be a friend and vice versa, you should definitely tell her if you have proof. What she chooses to do with that info is up to her.

 

[QUEENDIVA1]

Well I had proofed and she ended up being mad at me for telling her arse! I told her that I would never tell her anything else! I told her not to dare hesitate if she see's my husband in the wrong! I WANT TO KNOW!

 

[southern_girl]

These situations can be tricky. All women don't act the same when given news like this regardless of who brings it to their attention. You know your girl better than we do. How do you think she would react if you were to tell her? Do you think she would be appreciative or would she get upset with you? Do you think she would be hurt and feel betrayed if you didn't tell her and later she found out that you knew? Think about those things a minute before you make your decision to do whatever it is that you are going to do.

Honestly, I think she senses it already. She has had reports of him flirting with women and she confronts him and he always has an excuse. He is Mr. Social Butterfly and always says they are "clients" or old friends. He is always traveling OOT but that is his playground.

She has two very young babies with him so I think she would try to ignore it bc Lord knows he has done enough in my eyes to be kicked long ago!

I don't think she would be mad with me but more embarrassed and will just withdraw. Which is not what I want to happen. I care about her and the future of her kids and honestly fear what could happen if he hooks up with the wrong person. Or some crazy chic just shows up at her doorstep if she did not realize he was married etc.

Stranger things have happened!

 

[moonglowdiva]

I would say don't get involved because you would come out looking like the bad guy. She has to catch it for herself. Just be her friend.

 

[JustKiya]

I would say don't get involved because you would come out looking like the bad guy. She has to catch it for herself. Just be her friend.

Hopefully the only thing she'll 'catch' while being ignorant will be her husband - be real messed up if she caught something worse, deadly, and/or permanent while her so-called friend knew and kept her mouth shut out of fear..... If your relationship with the person is that shaky, I'd make telling her about her man the last act of 'friendship'.

 

[awhyley]

If you have CONCRETE evidence, then I say go for it. She may even know, but is in denial. It's up to her to make the decision, but don't let her find out on her own, only to find out that you already knew all along.

 

[Murjani]

I would not care if I was viewed as the "bad guy", I would still tell her. There is no way I could look my friend in the eye knowing what I know. I would also hope that my friends would do the same.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Yeah, JustKiya is right. It's the decent thing to do, and how the friend responds is on her.

 

[moonglowdiva]

Hopefully the only thing she'll 'catch' while being ignorant will be her husband - be real messed up if she caught something worse, deadly, and/or permanent while her so-called friend knew and kept her mouth shut out of fear..... If your relationship with the person is that shaky, I'd make telling her about her man the last act of 'friendship'.

I don't feel that way because the friend in question is going to do what she wants to any way. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my friend by getting all up in her business like that. I love her dearly but it is not the best friends place to tell what is or what ain't going on. If he is cheating what is done in the dark will always come to the light. A lot of times friendship are lost because friend (a) saw friend (b) man with Jezebel and friend (b) acts a fool because friend (a) is all up in her business like that. Worst yet friend (b) might say friend (a) is jealous. What is best is for the friend that saw not to inject herself in all of that drama.

Especially the bolded: if you love something / someone why on God's green earth would you tell them something that would hurt them. That's not what true friendship is about.

In most cases Silence is golden!!!!

 

[southern_girl]

Especially the bolded: if you love something / someone why on God's green earth would you tell them something that would hurt them. That's not what true friendship is about.

In most cases Silence is golden!!!!

The thing that sickens me about that is her husband is supposed to love her more than himself yet he is hurting her and putting her and those kids in jeopardy by his actions. It's disgusting!

And many times women say they would want to know but then when faced with the truth they are in denial. I'm no exception I was that way in my first marriage. I would see all the signs but want to believe it was just flirting. But in reality I knew better.

 

[moonglowdiva]

The thing that sickens me about that is her husband is supposed to love her more than himself yet he is hurting her and putting her and those kids in jeopardy by his actions. It's disgusting!

And many times women say they would want to know but then when faced with the truth they are in denial. I'm no exception I was that way in my first marriage. I would see all the signs but want to believe it was just flirting. But in reality I knew better.

@ bolded that is so true. The one thing that I have learned about people is they don't change unless what they are doing become to painful too bare. This cheating husband probably had all of those characteristic before they were married. I hate that she is going through all of these changes. A true friend will be there. Be a friend and not an informant. I pray that everything works out for the bless.eace_sm:

 

[Everything Zen]

My experience with this happened with a close friend when another close gf of mine calls and tells me that a mutual acquaintance was sleeping with her bf at the time. This girl had a rep. as a complete s*** before we even started freshman year. At one time has bragged that she had contracted syphilis. Ummm... ha ha hell?

I finally took it seriously when the dude I was dating at the time said HE remembered this chick talking about some guy with the same name as my friend's SO and they've never met before. So I straight up told her but I also called her SO bc I have always respected him and love them as a couple. He wasn't even angry with me. He sounded scared and was actually begging me to help out and not persuade her to leave him. That let me know something had happened. In the end I was questioned by her and even her mom as to why I didn't speak to him first? Whatever. They stayed together and got married. I don't know what happened but I still think he's a class act.

Another time I had to put someone on blast mostly bc I knew they had a permanent STD (she told me she did and asked me to keep it secret). I did until I found out she was sleeping with different people's SO's that I knew. (she was my roommate and she would bring random dudes to our dorm room dudes who were not even college students including other girl's well known SO's who would be passed out in bed with this chick. I never said anything to these girls about what I saw bc we were just acquaintances. It wasn't until one of my close friends was starting to talk to one of the dudes I saw laid up with old girl that I let it all out. I did it mostly bc it was a public health hazard! I know this girl wasn't getting all this action by being open and honest about her disease. How's a person gonna hold me to a secret and then disrespect me by bringing her dirt into our room?

Good luck!

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

I think the wife/main woman ALWAYS know. *JMHO*

You won' be doing anything for her but confirming it. I'm in this situation a lot and I do not say anything. However, now looking at it in JK's way, I think I may. But I always *KNOW* that they know, so I feel like why risk the friendship...

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

I think the wife/main woman ALWAYS know. *JMHO*

You won' be doing anything for her but confirming it. I'm in this situation a lot and I do not say anything. However, now looking at it in JK's way, I think I may. But I always *KNOW* that they know, so I feel like why risk the friendship...

Agreed. I KNEW when my man cheated on me. I don't understand how a wife can NOT know....

I had this situation happen, instead it was my best friend. Her husband was messing with a lot of women. More so, he messed with a girl that was another one of my close friend's cousin. My BF knew that her DH was cheating, IMO. She was very insecure in her rel.

Well, one day she stopped calling. Blocked me on Facebook, everything. I couldn't understand why. Two years later, out the blue she calls me. I ask her what happened she said that she found that I knew her husband was cheating and felt that I wasn't a good enough friend to tell her,so she dumped me. It really hurt.

My grandma always told me to stay out of married folx business. Had I known what I know now, I would have told. me and her are still friends, but it is not the same. I really miss her.

 

[Lebiya]

I wouldn’t feel any comfort If I kept my mouth shut. I’d put myself in her shoes.

What she chooses to do next is totally up to her, I'd support her.

 

[blasianbeauty]

I would tell my friend - esp. if I had proof. Whatever happens after that - you have done the right thing.... she's a grown woman, and how she handles her relationship afterwards is up to her.

Right, you'll be doing your part and how she handles everything afterwards is on her.

 

[JustKiya]

I don't feel that way because the friend in question is going to do what she wants to any way. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my friend by getting all up in her business like that. I love her dearly but it is not the best friends place to tell what is or what ain't going on. If he is cheating what is done in the dark will always come to the light. A lot of times friendship are lost because friend (a) saw friend (b) man with Jezebel and friend (b) acts a fool because friend (a) is all up in her business like that. Worst yet friend (b) might say friend (a) is jealous. What is best is for the friend that saw not to inject herself in all of that drama.

Especially the bolded: if you love something / someone why on God's green earth would you tell them something that would hurt them. That's not what true friendship is about.

In most cases Silence is golden!!!!

Clearly, we have very different definitions of 'true friendship'. I tell my friends painful truths all the time - anybody will lie & grin in your face and hold the truth behind your back - it takes someone who really loves and cares about you to tell you a truth that might break your heart and save your life all at once.

I couldn't have it on my conscience - knowing that I knew, and not telling her?

Wouldn't be me. And I'd be the friend who dumped a friend who knew, and didn't tell me - that ain't no kind of friend - esp. with the ish that's going around? I'm sorry. A 'friend' who holds my life in her hands and doesn't even bother to let me know is worse than an enemy. At least the friend is supposed to give a damn about me..... damn!

 

[alexstin]

Clearly, we have very different definitions of 'true friendship'. I tell my friends painful truths all the time - anybody will lie & grin in your face and hold the truth behind your back - it takes someone who really loves and cares about you to tell you a truth that might break your heart and save your life all at once.

I couldn't have it on my conscience - knowing that I knew, and not telling her?

Wouldn't be me. And I'd be the friend who dumped a friend who knew, and didn't tell me - that ain't no kind of friend - esp. with the ish that's going around? I'm sorry. A 'friend' who holds my life in her hands and doesn't even bother to let me know is worse than an enemy. At least the friend is supposed to give a damn about me..... damn!

Say it again! With friends like that, well, you know the rest.

 

[moonglowdiva]

Clearly, we have very different definitions of 'true friendship'. I tell my friends painful truths all the time - anybody will lie & grin in your face and hold the truth behind your back - it takes someone who really loves and cares about you to tell you a truth that might break your heart and save your life all at once.

I couldn't have it on my conscience - knowing that I knew, and not telling her?

Wouldn't be me. And I'd be the friend who dumped a friend who knew, and didn't tell me - that ain't no kind of friend - esp. with the ish that's going around? I'm sorry. A 'friend' who holds my life in her hands and doesn't even bother to let me know is worse than an enemy. At least the friend is supposed to give a damn about me..... damn!

I apologize if my opinion is not very unpopular. That's just were I stand on the matter. I cannot be conformed to what the world say is what's right. I'm not worldly. Every post that I have read has said the same thing. From my pov ya'll not very friendly ya'll messy. You do what you will but I'd keep my mouth shut. She'd never knew I seen anything even when she finds out for herself. I'd be there for her to listen to her. I would even offer up advise because she is going to do what she want anyway. It's not my place in the friendship to be the messanger.
BTW: I guess we do have VERY different different definition on "true friendship". All is well. We have agreed to disagree. I respect you opinion on the matter.

 

[moonglowdiva]

I wouldn’t feel any comfort If I kept my mouth shut. I’d put myself in her shoes.

What she chooses to do next is totally up to her, I'd support her.

If that's what makes you comfortable I'd say tell her. But I wouldn't.

 

[moonglowdiva]

The problem is not within the friendship. The problem here is the man!!!! I wouldn't tell her a thing, she has to see it for herself. Interpret that to mean what ever you want. Proof ladies is in the pudding. It is your word against that man's word. Guess what, she love him and she trust him. You just the jealous girlfriend that is always causing trouble in her relationship (even more so if you are single). He's going to make you look like the enemy here. So, keep you MOUTH shut. GET PROOF!!! send it anonomously!!! If you must tell. JUST KEEP YOU MOUTH SHUT. A lot of times it is the mouth that gets us in trouble.