Is is ungodly to date a friend's ex?

[loolalooh]

I think it is ungodly.

10th commandment- 10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”

I'm sure someone is going to say it doesn't apply to this situation because it's her ex, but it's likely she was interested while they were together.


I Thessolonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.


That situation sounds like nothing but confusion and God is NOT the author of confusion.
The real question is: Is it Godly to date a friend's ex? I think when you answer that question, you can answer the original question, because we all know something can't be Godly and ungodly at the same time, right?

The bolded is a way in which it would be ungodly - If Jane coveted Rick while Rick was her neighbor's (i.e., Lisa's) boyfriend. That ain't right .. unless there is something I'm not seeing?

Now once the relationship is over, things change. Indirect ungodliness can present itself if the ex is himself ungodly. If I broke up with an evil, foolish man and my best friend starts dating him, she's getting herself into some ungodly stuff. I'd be worried because she's choosing the wrong path and didn't learn from my messup.

Outside of these situations, I think the world screws with our mindset on how to respond in this situation. When a bf and gf share things that only a wife and husband should share (e.g., sex), they develop a "oneness". When two people date each other for eons and even cohabitate, they develop a "oneness". (A whole other topic.) Avoiding such situations helps us to avoid the emotional (or soul) tie that remains long after a breakup.

Now I'm not saying that Lisa and Rick did the above. I just wonder why she has still has a tie to him if they broke up more than 6 months ago. Jane has to determine in herself whether she is following God's instructions or her own desires.

 

[aribell]

I knew there is nothing I could think of in terms of God being against such a relationship for me to think it was ungodly. Still, I felt and feel annoyed and a bit upset over it. This really has nothing with her being a Christian but with character, IMO. There are definitely holy people who ain't too nice.
Among our circle of friends she has had way more experience that the rest of us. Rick was my girl Lisa's first bf and to my knowledge would be Jane's 5th or 6th serious bf ( not included guys she casually dated). The number isn't as important as the fact that I know this woman has a gift many women wish they had. She can attract men. That's why, for the life of me, I don't know why she'd even consider homeboy if she knew the second they met that he was her friend's ex. Shouldn't that frame the interaction?

The sad thing is one of our other girlfriends never cared too much for her and even told Lisa she wouldn't be surprised if Jane dated Rick. We always defended Jane. But now...

It sounds like you and your other friend think that Jane's a sneaky character...like maybe it's an ego thing for her? I mean if Jane wasn't even in the country and one of your friends thougt she'd end up with Rick it sounds like either she has a habit of doing such things, or there was something about her and Rick being together that made sense. Anyway, if Jane's just a sneaky friend, that's something different.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

The bolded is a way in which it would be ungodly - If Jane coveted Rick while Rick was her neighbor's (i.e., Lisa's) boyfriend. That ain't right .. unless there is something I'm not seeing?

Now once the relationship is over, things change. Indirect ungodliness can present itself if the ex is himself ungodly. If I broke up with an evil, foolish man and my best friend starts dating him, she's getting herself into some ungodly stuff. I'd be worried because she's choosing the wrong path and didn't learn from my messup.

Outside of these situations, I think the world screws with our mindset on how to respond in this situation. When a bf and gf share things that only a wife and husband should share (e.g., sex), they develop a "oneness". When two people date each other for eons and even cohabitate, they develop a "oneness". (A whole other topic.) Avoiding such situations helps us to avoid the emotional (or soul) tie that remains long after a breakup.

Now I'm not saying that Lisa and Rick did the above. I just wonder why she has still has a tie to him if they broke up more than 6 months ago. Jane has to determine in herself whether she is following God's instructions or her own desires.

@bolded. ...funny, but lots of men could care less about their friends dating an EX because they arent as emotoionally vested in these women as the womens are with them. Men will move on in a heartbeat (hence rick) and the Janes of the world (or whatever her name is, I'm getting confused ) will be sitting back still heartbroken and trying to pull herself together. She still wants him and he could give two farts about her.

 

[loolalooh]

Deleted.

I see the difference now.

 

[aribell]

I see what you're saying. I'd like to hear people's thoughts on the following situation:

Isaac marrying Leah then the sister Rebecca. Leah was very hurt by the situation, but Rebecca was whom God originally chose for Isaac. (Isaac had to marry Leah in order to get Rebecca, from what I recall.) It was messy how
Leah was brought into the whole thing, but it wasn't ungodly for Isaac to be with Rebecca ...

Did Isaac intentionally hurt Leah? If not, maybe that's the difference.

(I think you mean the story of Jacob and Rachel--whose sister was Leah, rather than Isaac and Rebekah.) I think I agree with your train of thought. I always felt sorry for Leah, as even the Bible says she was unloved. And God had pity on her because of it and blessed her with children. But it's never implied that she was owed Jacob's affection. And I think there's a good reason for that. There's a difference between what we really want and wish we could have and what is owed to us. Even beyond justice, someone loving us isn't necessarily about giving us what we want.


The situation was clearly different then, but I think we really have to pause before talking
about not hurting people's feelings because they still feel attached to someone. This is not an issue of justice or righteousness. If they were close, and that's a big if, then it could be a betrayal of trust. But I think that we as Christian women need to take more seriously the admonition in Song of Songs not to awaken love until it is pleasing, or until it is appropriate.

I don't say that as someone interested (or ever having been interested) in a friend's guy or former guy. But I have had to let go of attachments, and I think situations like this simply confront the old gf with a harsh reality that she may not want to face. (though in this case Lisa seems to be dealing with it all right).

 

[loolalooh]

(I think you mean the story of Jacob and Rachel--whose sister was Leah, rather than Isaac and Rebekah.) I think I agree with your train of thought. I always felt sorry for Leah, as even the Bible says she was unloved. And God had pity on her because of it and blessed her with children. But it's never implied that she was owed Jacob's affection. And I think there's a good reason for that. There's a difference between what we really want and wish we could have and what is owed to us. Even beyond justice, someone loving us isn't necessarily about giving us what we want.


The situation was clearly different then, but I think we really have to pause before talking
about not hurting people's feelings because they still feel attached to someone. This is not an issue of justice or righteousness. If they were close, and that's a big if, then it could be a betrayal of trust. But I think that we as Christian women ned to take more seriously the admonition in Song of Songs not to awaken love until it is pleasing, or until it is appropriate.

I don't say that as someone interested (or ever having been interested) in a friend's guy or former guy. But I have had to let go of attachments, and I think situations like this simply confront the old gf with a harsh reality that she may not want to face. (thoug in this case Lisa seems to be dealing with it all right).

Yes, Jacob and Rachel! Thanks for the correction and explanation.

I agree especially with the bolded.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

The bolded is a way in which it would be ungodly - If Jane coveted Rick while Rick was her neighbor's (i.e., Lisa's) boyfriend. That ain't right .. unless there is something I'm not seeing?

Now once the relationship is over, things change. Indirect ungodliness can present itself if the ex is himself ungodly. If I broke up with an evil, foolish man and my best friend starts dating him, she's getting herself into some ungodly stuff. I'd be worried because she's choosing the wrong path and didn't learn from my messup.

Outside of these situations, I think the world screws with our mindset on how to respond in this situation. When a bf and gf share things that only a wife and husband should share (e.g., sex), they develop a "oneness". When two people date each other for eons and even cohabitate, they develop a "oneness". (A whole other topic.) Avoiding such situations helps us to avoid the emotional (or soul) tie that remains long after a breakup.

Now I'm not saying that Lisa and Rick did the above. I just wonder why she has still has a tie to him if they broke up more than 6 months ago. Jane has to determine in herself whether she is following God's instructions or her own desires.

I can say this much. My friends dated and did so in a Christian manner so sex and the issue of soul ties isn't the thing. Of course i can't know but i doubt my girl, who was 27 at the time and who got her first kiss from him would have given it up in 6 months. I think it's more a sense of disappointment that a good friend would date an EX. When you see an ex, especially if he broke up with you and you liked him, you still feel funny. You know that feeling you get when your heart races a bit and you try not to look awkward? That's how Lisa feels. Not anger or bitterness just awkwardness. Seeing her ex date one of her friends only exacerbates that feeling. Jane, who is an intelligent sister (at least intelligent enough to earn a doctorate) should have the good sense to know that her decision would be hurtful. Sad thing is, her decision hasn't only affected her and Lisa's relationship but I know I and another friend (the four of us were tight) won't see her the same either. I know I may seem immature since it isn't my issue but all i can think is "Dang, if i broke up with a guy, went through a few weeks of feeling down, sister girl would have no issue dating him all up in my face". It's hard to trust someone like that. Therefore, I'm sad to say, her action towards another friend has wounded our friendship. She probably doesn't even know...yet.

Just came from Bible study and my pastor mentioned that there are some people you can be friends with and others you should just be "cool with". I felt like it was confirmation. I'll say hi and be respectful but I don't think there'll be anymore sister girl brunches and movie nights.
I'm allergic to two things: Penicillin and trifling

 

[Raspberry]

I know someone in church who married their best friend's ex-husband. People in their circle definitely felt iffy or disturbed about it. My concern is how the friendship may have suffered- cause it had to.

People say there's all these fish in the sea but in reality it's not so simple. While I can't see myself marrying my best friend's ex, I can see how it's easy to date someone whose lifestyle and personality you're already familiar with, not to mention added physical attraction.

Like was stated before I think it depends on the situation and how deeply you feel about the relationship's potential. As I've gotten older I don't see the BF/GF connection as a status to be revered as highly as society tends to, though relationship commitments should be respected of course. If you're not married to someone, the status of an ex-BF is really not that meaningful in the big picture. I can't see cutting all friends' exes out of your mate pool when those previous relationships were most likely merely a bump on the road to their ideal marriage or relationship. Loyalty in the romance arena is only an absolute standard within marriage IMO.

However, I do agree with nicola.kirwan that Christian women should not be quick to "awaken love" unnecessarily (gosh i've had multiple convos about that verse lately). Many times we as women are pursing dating out of a sense of compulsion or neediness rather than a sense of peace and purpose. If you don't have to have that man and confusion and broken relationships are at stake, I would say to leave it alone.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

I know someone in church who married their best friend's ex-husband. People in their circle definitely felt iffy or disturbed about it. My concern is how the friendship may have suffered- cause it had to.

People say there's all these fish in the sea but in reality it's not so simple. While I can't see myself marrying my best friend's ex, I can see how it's easy to date someone whose lifestyle and personality you're already familiar with, not to mention added physical attraction.

Like was stated before I think it depends on the situation and how deeply you feel about the relationship's potential. As I've gotten older I don't see the BF/GF connection as a status to be revered as highly as society tends to, though relationship commitments should be respected of course. If you're not married to someone, the status of an ex-BF is really not that meaningful in the big picture. I can't see cutting all friends' exes out of your mate pool when those previous relationships were most likely merely a bump on the road to their ideal marriage or relationship. Loyalty in the romance arena is only an absolute standard within marriage IMO.

However, I do agree with nicola.kirwan that Christian women should not be quick to "awaken love" unnecessarily (gosh i've had multiple convos about that verse lately). Many times we as women are pursing dating out of a sense of compulsion or neediness rather than a sense of peace and purpose. If you don't have to have that man and confusion and broken relationships are at stake, I would say to leave it alone.

the situation you describe is on another level. the ex-bf thing is one thing but the only way i could see someone doing something kind of like that but it not being shady is if the best fried passed away. otherwise, i don't think it's cool.

the unnecessary aspect you mentioned was part of my frustration. the girl is graduating in august with her phd and, as far as i know, may very likely be leaving the state. she's said that she wouldn't date anyone this year 'cause she's leaving so there's no point. but then she goes and starts to talk to someone, who just happens to be her friend's ex 4 months before she's about to leave. i don't think it's fair to count someone out of your dating pool b/c he dated a friend for 6 or 7 months ( i think in the case of a broken engagement or broken marriage you should count them out). i just think if you're about to bounce why do it. dang, at least wait 'til you leave if you just GOTTA have brotha man. spare yourself side eyes and from facing guilt. i say this 'cause she cried crocadile tears when she told Lisa she was dating Rick.

 

[loolalooh]

I can say this much. My friends dated and did so in a Christian manner so sex and the issue of soul ties isn't the thing. Of course i can't know but i doubt my girl, who was 27 at the time and who got her first kiss from him would have given it up in 6 months. I think it's more a sense of disappointment that a good friend would date an EX. When you see an ex, especially if he broke up with you and you liked him, you still feel funny. You know that feeling you get when your heart races a bit and you try not to look awkward? That's how Lisa feels. Not anger or bitterness just awkwardness. Seeing her ex date one of her friends only exacerbates that feeling. Jane, who is an intelligent sister (at least intelligent enough to earn a doctorate) should have the good sense to know that her decision would be hurtful. Sad thing is, her decision hasn't only affected her and Lisa's relationship but I know I and another friend (the four of us were tight) won't see her the same either. I know I may seem immature since it isn't my issue but all i can think is "Dang, if i broke up with a guy, went through a few weeks of feeling down, sister girl would have no issue dating him all up in my face". It's hard to trust someone like that. Therefore, I'm sad to say, her action towards another friend has wounded our friendship. She probably doesn't even know...yet.

Lisa and Rick dated for 6 months. She received her first kiss from him. Lisa and Rick have been broken up since last year (i.e., at least 5 months). Lisa still feels funny and her heart races a bit. Though they are both Christians, something seems off about the situation to me. Christians can make mistakes (e.g., as big as fornication or as small as awakening love prior to God's timing or with the wrong man/woman). I can't put my finger on it, but I may come back to this.

Did Lisa and Rick really date in "Christian manner"? (I'm thinking out loud here and I'm not the one to make the call.) I sometimes wonder if kissing should be reserved for marriage. It is a highly personal, intimate act. Perhaps Lisa sharing this experience for the first time with Rick was a mistake?

Just came from Bible study and my pastor mentioned that there are some people you can be friends with and others you should just be "cool with". I felt like it was confirmation. I'll say hi and be respectful but I don't think there'll be anymore sister girl brunches and movie nights.
I'm allergic to two things: Penicillin and trifling

Jane, Jane. The more she is discussed the more I'd question a friendship with her too. It's not so much because she's dating the ex but more so because of her motives behind the action and her innate character. It's one thing if she's prayed about it and truly feels Rick is the man God wants for her. It's another thing if she's just playing the field or thinks Rick is foine and wants to scope him out. Though I don't know her or her true motives/character, I cosign with the just be "cool with" for now.

 

[delitefulmane]

I have nothing to add but I love hearing this discussion from the Christian perspective!!

 

[CoilyFields]

I wonder if the situation would be seen differently if Lisa had already moved on and gotten married? Would it still be seen as a betrayal for Jane to date Rick? Is it wrong because Lisa has/had feelings for Rick or is it wrong because she hasn't ok'd the relationship?

I know... I thought about elaborating, but donna894 pretty much summed up part of my view (that it's ungodly in that your choice is causing misery or pain to someone you are friends with, love, or care about)... even though I can see where others are coming from too (for instance, I agree with NaturalDetroit when she said women shouldn't hold on to their EX's emotionally and that it's a waste of energy).

Edited To Add: Not to offend or point anyone out, but CoilyFields' reply is what really made me make that statement because I know she makes a lot of "Bible-abiding" posts in this forum. It seems like she said this was not ungodly since she dated an ex of one of her friends before. Just because you've done it doesn't make it okay.

Not offended at all dear! Formula time: lol

ungodly=sinful

Is it a sin to date someones ex? I dont know any scriptures that would support that.
The closest is the one mentioned above about coveting your neighbors stuff. And that can only be applied if
a. that thing/person belongs to the neighbor (in this case an ex is not someone who is yours any longer) or
b. Jane was coveting Rick while he and Lisa were together.
And it could be a sin if Jane intentionally did it to hurt Lisa...(and then its not the act thats the sin but the motivation)

About causing misery to others: What exactly is the scripture youre referring to?

If none of thses apply then that takes it out of the sin category and puts it in the preference category.

It may be unpopular to date a friends ex to some people but personally I believe that its something that depends on a lot of things like the ones I mentioned earlier.

I haven't "approved" it because I did it. That would make me a hypocrite. A sin is a sin whether I've done it or am doing it now.

Now if someone can offer other scriptures that show that its a sin I will gladly listen.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

^^^ I don't think it is ungodly. i raised the question but i can't say it is a sin. also, i think that Jane has issues with dating. She just wrote about it in a recent blog. I think I need to pray for her. I've cooled down a bit and I won't see her for another 2 weeks so I think I should take the time to pray about the situation. I'm not saying I can congratulate her but I still want to smile and be genuine. I'm not good at acting.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

I saw my "friend" (i'm not even sure if i can still call her a friend if this is how she acts) who is dating our other friend's ex in church today. i sat behind her and during praise and worship i had to pray that God would give me peace in my heart. I think she has issues with emotional attachment, given her relationship history, and i guess this is why she thinks all should be well when dating a friend's ex.

Anyway, have any of you found that you were just as angry with someone who offended one of your friends as the person who was offended? I actually think I'm angrier but I shouldn't be. If you've been in a similar situation how did you interact with the person when you now know that a) they offended your friend and knew that they were doing so b) that they're the kind of person that wouldn't have a problem dating your ex if you and him broke up ?