For all those who answered "no"...(slight rant)

[meia]

...on the "Okay, if you cheated and he didn't suspect, would you still tell?" thread.

If you said "no" i'm seriously curious how any of you would expect a man to be honest and upstanding to you if you couldn't do the same. The one thing I feel I have to pride myself on (that many other ladies today apparently do not) is my honesty. And my dignity- i'm not risking for any lie, big or small, its too important to me. I've been in the predicament before and I wonder now how so many could say "no"....

I could barely sleep, eat, function normally or anything of that nature given these infidelities swirling around my head. To "take it to the grave" seems like it would cost both partners too much grief especially if there is a lot of love there. I've been speaking with another member of the forums about it lately and we we're both really appalled at most of the responses because nine times out of ten these same women will post threads about their cheating SO's on the side. How much better are any of the "no" posters than their so-called cheating SO's past and present? If he cheated, who knows, it may be in retaliation to something you did (and thought you hid well and that he didn't suspect).

Maybe thats why there is such crisis in our communities today- so much violence, pain, and sadness...is because of this "if he don't know I won't tell" mentality. Maybe thats why these more recent generations are sincerely effed up. Because women (even if they've been cheated on in the past or not) don't realize we need to be the support for our families and, at risk of maybe getting our hearts broken, need to be strong in that respect so our children and our children's children can learn the building blocks they need to help nurse our community back to strength not pitfall.

When will some of you all start to realize that the beginning of fixing our families starts with each one of us. Honestly it does. Maybe the reason why so many Black families break up- or so many Black families have partners who cheat is because we are so afraid to be honest with them and honest with ourselves. How will we know to teach our children better if we don't strive for better ourselves. Our children will never learn honesty with its parents leading them astray. It has to start somewhere with someone why not let that start with you in your family. This is the perfect reason why good men and good families don't last- because so-called "good women" name "bad men" as a reason for their failures when they themselves can't get it together and get it correct. I'm really shocked, ya'll.....

ETA: Btw i'm saying up front I don't want this thread to get bad...I just felt something needed to be said so lets keep it as respectful as possible.

 

[Aveena]

...on the "Okay, if you cheated and he didn't suspect, would you still tell?" thread.

If you said "no" i'm seriously curious how any of you would expect a man to be honest and upstanding to you if you couldn't do the same. The one thing I feel I have to pride myself on (that many other ladies today apparently do not) is my honesty. And my dignity- i'm not risking for any lie, big or small, its too important to me. I've been in the predicament before and I wonder now how so many could say "no"....

I could barely sleep, eat, function normally or anything of that nature given these infidelities swirling around my head. To "take it to the grave" seems like it would cost both partners too much grief especially if there is a lot of love there. I've been speaking with another member of the forums about it lately and we we're both really appalled at most of the responses because nine times out of ten these same women will post threads about their cheating SO's on the side. How much better are any of the "no" posters than their so-called cheating SO's past and present? If he cheated, who knows, it may be in retaliation to something you did (and thought you hid well and that he didn't suspect).

Maybe thats why there is such crisis in our communities today- so much violence, pain, and sadness...is because of this "if he don't know I won't tell" mentality. Maybe thats why these more recent generations are sincerely effed up. Because women (even if they've been cheated on in the past or not) don't realize we need to be the support for our families and, at risk of maybe getting our hearts broken, need to be strong in that respect so our children and our children's children can learn the building blocks they need to help nurse our community back to strength not pitfall.

When will some of you all start to realize that the beginning of fixing our families starts with each one of us. Honestly it does. Maybe the reason why so many Black families break up- or so many Black families have partners who cheat is because we are so afraid to be honest with them and honest with ourselves. How will we know to teach our children better if we don't strive for better ourselves. Our children will never learn honesty with its parents leading them astray. It has to start somewhere with someone why not let that start with you in your family. This is the perfect reason why good men and good families don't last- because so-called "good women" name "bad men" as a reason for their failures when they themselves can't get it together and get it correct. I'm really shocked, ya'll.....

ETA: Btw i'm saying up front I don't want this thread to get bad...I just felt something needed to be said so lets keep it as respectful as possible.

My question is why not be honest BEFORE you cheat? Why is your 'so called' honesty more important than your chastity? Telling on yourself doesn't make the situation better. Repenting and changing your actions do. The only thing telling on yourself does is relieve the guilt you mentioned in the bolded.

*not directed at you personally.

 

[meia]

My question is why not be honest BEFORE you cheat? Why is your 'so called' honesty more important than your chastity? Telling on yourself doesn't make the situation better. Repenting and changing your actions do. The only thing telling on yourself does is relieve the guilt you mentioned in the bolded.

*not directed at you personally.

I agree Fran- I messed up. It was my first relationship ever in life (I was 18) and I was SURE (there goes that semi-psychic intuition) he was cheating. I never did get much guidance on relationships (which probably makes me sound hypocritical but I didn't have my first kiss until 18) from anyone. I mostly stayed home and to myself so all of those natural things that come to young women about how to act in relationships escapes me.

I don't think telling makes the situation better, EVER if you were an infidel to begin with. I think telling helps the relationship to grow. Might relieve guilt, yes, but I think it goes a longer way to give both partners a realistic idea of where they stand and if they are on the same page or not. He was indeed cheating (but at 18 I felt I righted the wrong even though there isn't really justification in anyway). I have repented. I'm 22 now and i've never cheated again, been dishonest in any way, or anything. I wasn't raised to cheat or have "contingency plan" relationships so me cheating was me forcing myself to go against what I know was correct because I didn't want to get "played"....You can tell how juvenile I was then.

I really think cheating, EITHER WAY is TERRIBLE. But, at least if you're going to claim to love someone and claim to stick by them, the least you could do is be honest. That gives the man the option to leave if he's so inclined or vice versa instead of filling both partners with unrealistic hope if there is no honesty to start and makes a basis for true, genuine love to grow because both partners have that honesty that so few people share. I think its the only way to be and yes, I have repented many times both to God and to him. I couldn't have been more wrong then but at least now I know, for sure, that things can be different wi.h honesty and pureness even when it seems impossible.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

My question is why not be honest BEFORE you cheat? Why is your 'so called' honesty more important than your chastity? Telling on yourself doesn't make the situation better. Repenting and changing your actions do. The only thing telling on yourself does is relieve the guilt you mentioned in the bolded.

*not directed at you personally.

Dit-to. Most people who tell are trying to relieve their own guilt, they aren't trying to check for the other person's feelings either

 

[meia]

Dit-to. Most people who tell are trying to relieve their own guilt, they aren't trying to check for the other person's feelings either

I don't know. I wasn't really trying to relieve my guilt, personally. I prayed and apologized to God so if there was guilt, I was pretty much laying myself down beneath God and apologizing so if that didn't relieve guilt then I don't know what would. I was thinking about my SO's feelings all the way. As i've explained to him, all I wanted was to be with him and be happy and to build upon the love we had for one another and he, being particularly ridiculous, started our relationship by being in another one from the start.

I didn't have a need to feel GUILTY per se...He was the one that was cheating on two woman at the same time.....I think he's got far more guilt to squander than I and at least I told him. He waited until a year later to tell me...I told him instantly.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Either way it hurts, hell I'm going to spare them and myself in the process and learn from my mistake if I decide to stay

 

[meia]

Maybe I should mention that at least if you've cheated, accident or not, then tell your SO. Its not right either way, and it won't guarantee that he'll want to be with you, but, at least you're giving him the opportunity rightfully to choose. I think not telling (whether trying to relieve guilt or not) is way worse then just not telling at all. Its almost the same as holding your partner hostage and he doesn't even know whats going on.

I don't condone cheating in anyway, but at least be fair to the other partner if you have.

 

[meia]

Either way it hurts, hell I'm going to spare them and myself in the process and learn from my mistake if I decide to stay

You're very correct. It hurts either way but i'd rather let the truth hurt us than a pile of misplaced and hardly well-kept lies do the damage.

I AGREE WITH YOU ENTIRELY! I learned so well from my mistake and I can say that was three years ago that I cheated. I'm STILL with him and we're pregnant! I haven't cheated not once since....him on the other hand didn't wake up until almost a full year ago. It took him that long. I stopped because I knew acting that way wasn't in my heart at all. lol but I hear you on that...learning from your mistake is the only TRUE way to show how very sorry you are...otherwise there is no apology to be had if you don't realize something must change.

 

[Aveena]

I agree Fran- I messed up. It was my first relationship ever in life (I was 18) and I was SURE (there goes that semi-psychic intuition) he was cheating. I never did get much guidance on relationships (which probably makes me sound hypocritical but I didn't have my first kiss until 18) from anyone. I mostly stayed home and to myself so all of those natural things that come to young women about how to act in relationships escapes me.

I don't think telling makes the situation better, EVER if you were an infidel to begin with. I think telling helps the relationship to grow. Might relieve guilt, yes, but I think it goes a longer way to give both partners a realistic idea of where they stand and if they are on the same page or not. He was indeed cheating (but at 18 I felt I righted the wrong even though there isn't really justification in anyway). I have repented. I'm 22 now and i've never cheated again, been dishonest in any way, or anything. I wasn't raised to cheat or have "contingency plan" relationships so me cheating was me forcing myself to go against what I know was correct because I didn't want to get "played"....You can tell how juvenile I was then.

I really think cheating, EITHER WAY is TERRIBLE. But, at least if you're going to claim to love someone and claim to stick by them, the least you could do is be honest. That gives the man the option to leave if he's so inclined or vice versa instead of filling both partners with unrealistic hope if there is no honesty to start and makes a basis for true, genuine love to grow because both partners have that honesty that so few people share. I think its the only way to be and yes, I have repented many times both to God and to him. I couldn't have been more wrong then but at least now I know, for sure, that things can be different wi.h honesty and pureness even when it seems impossible.

I totally respect you and the choice you made in regards to this subject. My original comments weren't directed to you personally. I just wanted to offer a different view on the matter. - (congrats on the pregnancy btw)

 

[Starian]

Maybe I should mention that at least if you've cheated, accident or not, then tell your SO. Its not right either way, and it won't guarantee that he'll want to be with you, but, at least you're giving him the opportunity rightfully to choose. I think not telling (whether trying to relieve guilt or not) is way worse then just not telling at all. Its almost the same as holding your partner hostage and he doesn't even know whats going on.

I don't condone cheating in anyway, but at least be fair to the other partner if you have.

Why? If it was "an accident", you used protection, never plan on doing it again, and your SO is the person you want to be with, why risk it by telling? Won't that hurt more in the long run?

Things happen for reasons. Everything is not always so cut and dry as "If you cheat, you should tell."

I think that you can learn from a mistake like that without telling and jeapordizing your relationship.

 

[meia]

I totally respect you and the choice you made in regards to this subject. I really wasn't directing my comments to you - (congrats on the pegnancy btw)

Awww its no problem, Fran! I asked this question explicitly so I could get the most honest answers and find out why so many chose no and their thoughts on the topic. I'm not angry at your post even in the slightest- you had a question and comment and I respected that you answered so truthfully! Awww thank you again, friend! Yeah i'm shocked as all hell but excited that I can try to bring such a little wonder into this world with him! I love you very much for your honesty and kindness! Thank you again!

 

[Aveena]

Maybe I should mention that at least if you've cheated, accident or not, then tell your SO. Its not right either way, and it won't guarantee that he'll want to be with you, but, at least you're giving him the opportunity rightfully to choose. I think not telling (whether trying to relieve guilt or not) is way worse then just not telling at all. Its almost the same as holding your partner hostage and he doesn't even know whats going on.

I don't condone cheating in anyway, but at least be fair to the other partner if you have.

I think you just said it.... cheating isn't fair It's like stealing money out of the register THEN feeling guilty and trying to put it back.

I know someone is gonna come in here and find fault in my logic BUT the point is.... if you're doing dirt????? in the first place, huh?

 

[meia]

Why? If it was "an accident", you used protection, never plan on doing it again, and your SO is the person you want to be with, why risk it by telling? Won't that hurt more in the long run?

Things happen for reasons. Everything is not always so cut and dry as "If you cheat, you should tell."

I think that you can learn from a mistake like that without telling and jeapordizing your relationship.

I think because the other person, especially if they have been honest and truthful with you Starian, deserves to know honestly whats happened. Accident or not, protection or not, i'd run the risk of hurting him more anyday than lying to him. As ReaLuvsAOxymoron said, it will hurt either way. I'd rather it hurt early on and let it be the truth that stings instead of a massive bank of lies. It might hurt in the long wrong but I guess that would tell me that maybe if I kept my legs closed, then my relationship wouldn't have been ruined and made hopeless. I would have no one to blame but myself for the outcome if I made the careless decision in the first place.

I agree with you Starian- there can be a lot of entanglements-- kids, finances etc., that can make a decision like "being honest" unrealistic and very hard to make. But at least i'd know if my SO loved me enough, forgive me, and stick by me, then i'd know for sure we can make it through the best of times and the worst of times- Together.

I think you can learn a lot from a mistake but why not learn a lot together through the mistake. Being honest is only fair especially to the injured party- I think it would hurt WAY more when we're both in our 20's then if I wait until we're 70 and on our death beds together. By then its too late and that would be far too much pain to shoulder.

 

[Aveena]

Awww its no problem, Fran! I asked this question explicitly so I could get the most honest answers and find out why so many chose no and their thoughts on the topic. I'm not angry at your post even in the slightest- you had a question and comment and I respected that you answered so truthfully! Awww thank you again, friend! Yeah i'm shocked as all hell but excited that I can try to bring such a little wonder into this world with him! I love you very much for your honesty and kindness! Thank you again!

thank you! and yes children are a blessing/miracle you're blessed

 

[Starian]

I think because the other person, especially if they have been honest and truthful with you Starian, deserves to know honestly whats happened. Accident or not, protection or not, i'd run the risk of hurting him more anyday than lying to him. As ReaLuvsAOxymoron said, it will hurt either way. I'd rather it hurt early on and let it be the truth that stings instead of a massive bank of lies. It might hurt in the long wrong but I guess that would tell me that maybe if I kept my legs closed, then my relationship wouldn't have been ruined and made hopeless. I would have no one to blame but myself for the outcome if I made the careless decision in the first place.

I agree with you Starian- there can be a lot of entanglements-- kids, finances etc., that can make a decision like "being honest" unrealistic and very hard to make. But at least i'd know if my SO loved me enough, forgive me, and stick by me, then i'd know for sure we can make it through the best of times and the worst of times- Together.

I think you can learn a lot from a mistake but why not learn a lot together through the mistake. Being honest is only fair especially to the injured party- I think it would hurt WAY more when we're both in our 20's then if I wait until we're 70 and on our death beds together. By then its too late and that would be far too much pain to shoulder.

I see your logic. I'm the type of person that believes that honesty in situations like this are ideal, but not always practical.

If you plan on cheating through life and keep "slipping up" as it were, then yeah...the best thing to do would tell, try and work it out if he wants to, and go from there. A one time mistake thats killing you inside and if you told you risk losing everything? I'd swallow it and go about my business. Learn from it and do better.

If I had kept a devastating secret like that til' I'm as old as 70, I'm going to die with that secret. You're right, though-it's way easier to tell early than later if you're the type that must be honest at all costs and there isn't anything wrong with that.

I guess what I'm saying is that I see both sides. I used to think cheaters are "OMG, so horrible and wrong!" til I found out that things really aren't as clear cut and simple as you think they are.

 

[meia]

I think you just said it.... cheating isn't fair It's like stealing money out of the register THEN feeling guilty and trying to put it back.

I know someone is gonna come in here and find fault in my logic BUT the point is.... if you're doing dirt????? in the first place, huh?

Cheating really isn't fair the whole way around. I WAS WRONG...and there are so many that are in that same boat thats WRONG with me....I'll be the first to say. It is like stealing and feeling guilty. Theres no way that once lost that it can be rebuilt the same way but, with extra patience and love, it can be just as good if both people are willing to forge ahead.

lol I DON'T FIND FAULT! You're brilliant you are...lol and a hell of a lot of truth especially at 4am. lolllll I think if you are doing dirt in the first place, as another poster who's a friend mentioned, you reap what you sow. If he chose to leave you who can you blame? It was your own fault and he had the right- but at least you can live your life knowing you did all you could to salvage the relationship.

Also you bring up a good point!!
If you cheated in the first place, obviously something must've been wrong to make you feel like you had to cheat. You don't just end up in a bed with a man when you SHOULD be with your SO...there aren't any accidents or flaws in that logic, lol the reason why you cheated should be something that should be openly communicated. How do any of us know that if it was just explained in the first place he would've taken the steps to make the relationship comfortable and happy, cheating unnecessary?

 

[Aveena]

Cheating really isn't fair the whole way around. I WAS WRONG...and there are so many that are in that same boat thats WRONG with me....I'll be the first to say. It is like stealing and feeling guilty. Theres no way that once lost that it can be rebuilt the same way but, with extra patience and love, it can be just as good if both people are willing to forge ahead.

lol I DON'T FIND FAULT! You're brilliant you are...lol and a hell of a lot of truth especially at 4am. lolllll I think if you are doing dirt in the first place, as another poster who's a friend mentioned, you reap what you sow. If he chose to leave you who can you blame? It was your own fault and he had the right- but at least you can live your life knowing you did all you could to salvage the relationship.

Also you bring up a good point!!

If you cheated in the first place, obviously something must've been wrong to make you feel like you had to cheat. You don't just end up in a bed with a man when you SHOULD be with your SO...there aren't any accidents or flaws in that logic, lol the reason why you cheated should be something that should be openly communicated. How do any of us know that if it was just explained in the first place he would've taken the steps to make the relationship comfortable and happy, cheating unnecessary?

I agree with the bolded.

 

[meia]

I see your logic. I'm the type of person that believes that honesty in situations like this are ideal, but not always practical.

If you plan on cheating through life and keep "slipping up" as it were, then yeah...the best thing to do would tell, try and work it out if he wants to, and go from there. A one time mistake thats killing you inside and if you told you risk losing everything? I'd swallow it and go about my business. Learn from it and do better.

If I had kept a devastating secret like that til' I'm as old as 70, I'm going to die with that secret. You're right, though-it's way easier to tell early than later if you're the type that must be honest at all costs and there isn't anything wrong with that.

I guess what I'm saying is that I see both sides. I used to think cheaters are "OMG, so horrible and wrong!" til I found out that things really aren't as clear cut and simple as you think they are.

Ohhh I totally see your point, Starian! I can also sympathize with not telling because its a frightful situation. Who wants to deliver that news to their SO anyway? Especially if you love him and it only happened for a very insignificant reason when considering how much you truly love your SO..
I don't blame you not one bit.

I think, only because I would LOVE my SO to be honest with me now (especially given all we've been through), I would not only want to tell him but be obligated to because I love him so much and i'd rather we lick our wounds together than me separately- with someone else...I'm not saying necessarily that everyone who posted "no" was terribly terribly wrong (there could be many reasons why) but I think I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that I didn't feel I could be honest with as much as possible.

I think another key in what you and Fran are saying is to "LEARN BETTER"...MOST women forget that step and it comes back to haunt them in more ways than one but I must emphasize that point. Learn from your mistake whether you choose to tell or not- I just wish more women said they would tell. I would probably (dumb as that probably sounds lol) risk everything for one mistake....Otherwise how much did I love you to begin with if I couldn't take that risk

Really you would go to die with that secret? I think my last vision i'd ever want in my head (I told my SO this ages and ages ago) is of me and him lying on our bed dying in each others arms- together. That would make it harder in my case if i'm thinking about Kevin, Michael, Chad, Dan...lol.. I think i'd have to but way before that point.

I definitely agree with you...I think if things were more clear-cut and simple, this would be so much easier but its not. But I do think if someone was brave enough to do in the first place, they should be brave enough to rough the current and tell their SO even if it means losing everything. I'm sure most women don't think about that when they are about to engage in some serious sexual activity...

 

[meia]

I agree with the bolded.

I think so also- I spent too much time doing whatever I was doing at the time instead of telling my SO "Can we spend more time together" or "I love you but I wish you'd only show you did more" which is exactly what should of happened.

Years after you cheat (even if you don't get busted) the problems of antiquity will always be there to haunt you. I guess what i'm saying is even after you cheat, that didn't REALLY fix the problems you have with your current SO, did it? You're still left with a mess only its bigger and more, uhm, messier...

 

[Starian]

Really you would go to die with that secret?

I would. Not only because I hate being a bearer of bad news (even if I am the bad news, lol), but because personally I have an easy time blacking things out that I am ashamed of. (Basically I'm what you call a coward/wuss/pu**y/etc.) I try hard not to do anything I'd be ashamed of, but I'm young and there are things I don't have any experience in. Mistakes (generally, not necessarily cheating), are bound to happen.

Sometimes I think I don't have a conscience, but I have way too many things going on to carry additional baggage. I try not to make the same mistake twice. I'm not going to beat myself up over something that I'm never going to do again. Yes, I would feel bad. But not bad enough to agonize over it. I never was that type.

If my husband cheated on me once, and it was an "accident", I would prefer him not tell me. If he told me, I would forgive him. Everyone deserves a second chance. My husband has expressed the same sentiments to me. He would forgive me once.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Ohhh I totally see your point, Starian! I can also sympathize with not telling because its a frightful situation. Who wants to deliver that news to their SO anyway? Especially if you love him and it only happened for a very insignificant reason when considering how much you truly love your SO..
I don't blame you not one bit.

I think, only because I would LOVE my SO to be honest with me now (especially given all we've been through), I would not only want to tell him but be obligated to because I love him so much and i'd rather we lick our wounds together than me separately- with someone else...I'm not saying necessarily that everyone who posted "no" was terribly terribly wrong (there could be many reasons why) but I think I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that I didn't feel I could be honest with as much as possible.

I think another key in what you and Fran are saying is to "LEARN BETTER"...MOST women forget that step and it comes back to haunt them in more ways than one but I must emphasize that point. Learn from your mistake whether you choose to tell or not- I just wish more women said they would tell. I would probably (dumb as that probably sounds lol) risk everything for one mistake....Otherwise how much did I love you to begin with if I couldn't take that risk

Really you would go to die with that secret? I think my last vision i'd ever want in my head (I told my SO this ages and ages ago) is of me and him lying on our bed dying in each others arms- together. That would make it harder in my case if i'm thinking about Kevin, Michael, Chad, Dan...lol.. I think i'd have to but way before that point.

I definitely agree with you...I think if things were more clear-cut and simple, this would be so much easier but its not. But I do think if someone was brave enough to do in the first place, they should be brave enough to rough the current and tell their SO even if it means losing everything. I'm sure most women don't think about that when they are about to engage in some serious sexual activity...

Love can be very complicated. It's as easy to argue that if you really loved the person, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Unfortunately, a person can love you and hurt you at the same time. Who is to say that the person who saves their mate that pain is any less loving than the one who tells? That's what I take my name to mean, that this conception of real love being without fault and based on some standard set of rules is an oxymoron.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

I also want to add that I have heard more than one guy say that if their girl cheats, they would rather her not tell them. My ex was one of them and while I thought it was ludicrous then (all that "but we'd be living a lieeeeee!), I now totally get that telling is NOT right for every couple, even though it may be a good decision for/to some.

 

[meia]

I would. Not only because I hate being a bearer of bad news (even if I am the bad news, lol), but because personally I have an easy time blacking things out that I am ashamed of. (Basically I'm what you call a coward/wuss/pu**y/etc.) I try hard not to do anything I'd be ashamed of, but I'm young and there are things I don't have any experience in. Mistakes (generally, not necessarily cheating), are bound to happen.

Sometimes I think I don't have a conscience, but I have way too many things going on to carry additional baggage. I try not to make the same mistake twice. I'm not going to beat myself up over something that I'm never going to do again. Yes, I would feel bad. But not bad enough to agonize over it. I never was that type.

If my husband cheated on me once, and it was an "accident", I would prefer him not tell me. If he told me, I would forgive him. Everyone deserves a second chance. My husband has expressed the same sentiments to me.
He would forgive me once.

lol!! I hear ya on the bad news tip! I didn't ever think I would tell someone what I did- then again I didn't ever think I would cheat either...how about that! I do too on the blacking out thing... I tried to forget it happened right after and for some reason it didn't work. Mistakes are bound to happen- i'm extremely happy I just let it all out when it happened.... I didn't want to wait too much longer and my SO even said, with the way I had been treated he's not so surprised. We we're both so young so I think that type of craziness is inevitable..

I know what you mean. My conscience would pop in before and after the times I cheated (3 times with the same man) I would be crying from beginning to end and I would just keep repeating "but he's laying in his bed sleeping...I can't do this to him. I love him so much". We would stop and he would console me but it never felt right. From kissing to just regularly talking. Never felt entirely okay.

I always was the agonizing type...for some reason... I think especially over things that I didn't HAVE to do or thing that I COULD have changed had I never done it to begin with....

Really? I would NEED my SO to tell me. Accident or not...Otherwise i'd NEVER get over it. My SO has cheated on me almost 10 times (10 different women). Can you imagine? But for some reason I loved him enough that I wanted to work through it all even still. Some might call me an idiot or stupid, but I wasn't going to lose someone I cared about over that type of mess. Not when I love someone. Everytime after he cheated he would tell me "I shouldn't have mentioned anything" and I would tell him "If you weren't sorry or there wasn't something truly wrong then you wouldn't have. I happy you did otherwise it would show me you weren't apologetic" and he continues to tell me even if I have to pull it out of him or even if it pisses me off badly. If he didn't Id be way more disappointed in him as a human...

I probably don't have a right to talk at all because I forgive relentlessly. I just love so long and hard it would be painful for me not....but I totally respect everything you've said Starian. Either way I think it probably takes a lot of guts....

 

[meia]

Love can be very complicated. It's as easy to argue that if you really loved the person, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Unfortunately, a person can love you and hurt you at the same time. Who is to say that the person who saves their mate that pain is any less loving than the one who tells? That's what I take my name to mean, that this conception of real love being without fault and based on some standard set of rules is an oxymoron.

Love can be so terribly complicated- you're right!
We had been together for a month when it happened on my end.
I don't honestly think I loved him that much at the time although i'll be the first to say I fell HARD.
I truly never accepted his behavior, I think it made me so mad that he could be so detached since he courted me.

The bolded? I've been on the receiving end of that. I think there is a considerable amount of pain associated with loving someone- the two are so undeniably intertwined. I don't know if its truly saving their mate pain if one day, be it on this earth or when we're getting judged (if you're into that sort of thing) their mate might have to hear it anyway. By then its really TOO LATE. I don't want to take that risk. I think thats just blatant pain for no reason. Why? Because YOU didn't want to deal with the pain. If someone is going to make the mistake be that same someone and be woman enough to admit your wrongs. I'm sure these same individuals weren't thinking about the PAIN when they did it....if you were then why not spare the both of you and mention it? Are you really loving and protecting the other individual if you're remorseless about what you did to the point you won't mention it?

I think no love is based off of rules. Love is dangerous in that light...but I must admit, if its something you can control and its something thats is within your power to limit (unlike most things) then I think the individual should be responsible and free themselves and their partner if they truly love them. Otherwise don't do the dirt in the first place.

 

[meia]

I also want to add that I have heard more than one guy say that if their girl cheats, they would rather her not tell them. My ex was one of them and while I thought it was ludicrous then (all that "but we'd be living a lieeeeee!), I totally get that telling is NOT right for every couple, even though it may be a good decision for/to some.

I understand telling isn't right for every couple. But afterall if one was getting what they needed in the relationship then why would there be reason to stray. I think if the relationship is strong enough and that person is truly "meant" to be yours then you either A. won't do it in the first place at all or B. if you do it, then you'll be sure to take that same risk that you took when you did it and tell that other person. I don't completely get taking the risk to cheat but not taking the risk of your partner leaving you. If you can't tell your partner, maybe you didn't really love them that much to begin with....and if they wouldn't tell you, maybe they didn't love you back.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Why would you tell if the person has clearly expressed they wouldn't want you to? Seems odd to me...

And as far as the risk question...well I like the odds better with one risk, as opposed to two. And yes I may be immoral, but it just is what it is