Fiancee Refuses To Help With Wedding

Perhaps I am not the best person to say this, but OP, do not marry this man. There is better out there for you! A king wouldn't treat his queen this way, so why should you tolerate this from this individual who is demonstrating peasant-like behavior.
 
Mai Tai said:
He has controlling and selfish tendencies and I would watch him very carefully. The issue is not the wedding, it's him refusing to place an effort both physically and financially towards something he knows will make you happy. It's him using ONLY his financial justification to decide on what he will contribute to in the relationship.

He can't seem to find the ability to compromise or bend on things he may not necessarily agree with (HUGE RED FLAG) and is failing to realize that in marriage, most things are decided on TOGETHER and are not to be subject to only his level of rational.

Today it's wedding vs. courthouse. Tomorrow it will be public vs. private school for your children, contacts vs. eyeglasses, HMO vs. PPO, pads vs. tampons, and the list can go on. What he is doing can quickly turn into financial abuse and manipulation. It is not based out of love or even respect for you and you need to be very careful. This is the rest of your life we are talking about.
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This is why I stay here, @Mai Tai and @hopeful, you ladies always bring the real talk. :yep:

Holla said:
3). Every couple I know of where the guy broke off the engagement had NOTHING invested in the wedding mere weeks leading up to it. Two couples so far. These grown men contributed not one single penny to anything..not the wedding or honeymoon plans. They pulled out after the bride and her maids had already purchased gowns, paid for venues, bought plane tickets, etc. The brides were embarrassed and quite upset of course. Both went on to marry other guys but best believe those women did not make the same mistake twice. Men today put their money behind their intentions and if a man puts forth nothing, I'd question his desire to be married.
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Another salient post. Never thought about it this way, but this right here speaks volumes.

curlicarib said:
This brings to mind something that recently happened to a very good friend of mine. She was going through very much the same thing as you. This past weekend as a matter of fact. Turns out, he really didn't want to get married because..................................wait for it....................................he's already married. Has a whole secret family - wife and two kids. She has already paid for the dress, $1500 deposit on the venue, reserved tickets for the honeymoon. She's out close to $6K.
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Good Lord! What a mess. :nono: How did she find out? Hope his actual wife knows too.

ElegantPearl17 said:
Why do you say that? If it is...it is a great scenario to think about.
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Couldn't agree more. There are quite a few ladies out there buying their own rings, etc. I think that this is more common than we'd like to believe.

OP, there are some great nuggets of wisdom in here. Please take note and act accordingly.
(If even just going to the counselling, it would help so much in the long run, even if you decide to go through with this.)
 
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I don't know if this was asked but did you all talk about getting married prior to this? Most times that does include what kind of wedding you want.

What was the resolution?
 
This is very disturbing and is foreshadowing more things to come.

Throughout your lives each one of you will be involved in something the other one thinks is useless and a waste of time and/or money. The number of times I have rolled my eyes in my head about things DH wants to do or buy...but I let him.

One of the BIGGEST lessons I have learned after all these years of marriage is you tend to argue about the same type of things - the circumstances and people involved may change but that's all. This type of argument will keep coming up over and over in the future. And you will look back and realize it was not just the wedding. Next it shall be furniture you want to buy or a class you want to take. Stuff you want to buy your kid...places you want to visit. People you want to befriend.

It is one thing when the two of you cannot afford it but he has the means and does not give a crap about your feelings. Or your family's for that mother. I am sure they will want a wedding.

Most men I know couldn't care less about weddings and would rather just be told what to wear and when to show up. But refusing to honor you for what should be a one-time thing? That is so disrespectful and callous. And for him to just want you to pay for it? Sounds like he is bullying you into not having a wedding and making him look like he gave you the option.

Are you sure he doesn't have another wife somewhere and he does not want people to know you are together. This is so weird.


Run. Run very fast. This plus never having discussed marriage...sounds controlling or miserly....
 
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Browndilocks said:
This is so sad. I'm sorry OP.

Why does he have to have a 90K car while you drive a Hyundai? It just doesn't seem like that's how a man treats the person he's about to marry.

It's clear he is not willing to give you his best. Just the best he thinks you should get. I really hope things change for you.
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I don't care about cars...depreciable items
 
Update:
He is 100% committed and wants to be married to me.

He Is going to pay for honeymoon, liquor and half the photography costs. But we need to come up with a budget we both agree on.

Oh.. I changed the ring again. I know I know I just couldn't make up my mind and they are all sooooo pretty. :2inlove:
 
Adiatasha said:
Update:
He is 100% committed and wants to be married to me.

He Is going to pay for honeymoon, liquor and half the photography costs. But we need to come up with a budget we both agree on.

Oh.. I changed the ring again. I know I know I just couldn't make up my mind and they are all sooooo pretty. :2inlove:
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I'd suggest that you guys still go to some sort of pre-marital counseling.
I get the excitement of ring picking and the whirlwind of wedding prep. Above all, you guys should make sure you're preparing for a marriage, not just a wedding.
Good luck!
 
kikigirl said:
I'd suggest that you guys still go to some sort of pre-marital counseling.
I get the excitement of ring picking and the whirlwind of wedding prep. Above all, you guys should make sure you're preparing for a marriage, not just a wedding.
Good luck!
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Yes we are currently in counseling.
I've realized that I'm selfish. I'm working on it.
 
Adiatasha said:
Can you explain so I can understand ?
Thanks
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You said he drives a 90K car and you drive a Hyundai. While nothing is wrong with driving either, your car is not parallel to his, in terms of value, class and comfort. It's kind of like when you see the BM of an athlete dressed from head to toe in designer everything but their kids look cheap and unkept. Can't help but give it the side eye.

When a man has a certain level of care and value placed on you, he wants you to look a certain way simply because you represent him. Ideally, instead of him having a 90K car while you drive a Hyundai, he'd be thoughtful enough to get rid of your car and COMPROMISE by getting you both say, two BMWs in the 60K range so you both can have luxury cars. Regardless of what you say or how you already manage, he'd insist upon it.

Perfect example - My friend's husband had Camry and he wants a Tesla which is around 120k. His wife (my friend) was driving a Dodge minivan and she wanted a Range Rover. He got rid of his car and now drives her minivan. Why? Because he just bought her the Range. He's taking care of her first... and would not buy a 120K Tesla for himself while she's in a 25k minivan. It's just a certain level of thoughtfulness, selflessness and consideration that based on your posts, your man doesn't seem to have for you. Cars aside - your man is too self centered to even help on the wedding, or even formally ask you to marry him. Does that mean I'm going to tell you not to marry him? Hell no. Just an observation that I personally give the side eye. You have to do whatever is in your heart and I hope whatever it is leads to your happiness.
 
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Adiatasha said:
How hurt my feelings were. How he came across as cold, callous and that this is a partnership and everything is up for discussion.
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I hope everything works out for you. But from experience I will tell you that when a man wants his way he will often say he gets it, pretend to get it long enough to get his way, then revert back to his old ways, or his old ways resurface in another form. I hope this isn't the case. Keep your eyes wide open.

I am also saying this because men who are selfish, controlling, and manipulative generally don't all of the sudden change without a lot of hard work and introspection. Also from how you described him, I imagine it would be important to him to impress whoever is counseling you guys. Appearances are very important to some men. Appearing to be a certain type of man is more important to them than actually being a certain type of man.

But again, I wish you all the best. I wish you nothing but happiness. Take good care of you and make sure you keep you and your happiness as a main priority.
 
Adiatasha said:
How hurt my feelings were. How he came across as cold, callous and that this is a partnership and everything is up for discussion.
Click to expand...
Even the way you phrase in the passive voice puts the onus for change on you: How hurt your feelings were, not how his actions or inactions hurt your feelings; how he came across as callous...not how callous he was, etc...I know in counseling it is sometimes recommended to express how the hurt person feels in a non-accusational language, but this right here does not show any realization from his end.
Devil's advocate: It could just be that you are really bad at interpreting reality/his behavior, and need to deal with whatever baggage makes you perceive him/his actions in a negative light.... You see how this way of seeing things places on the burden of change on you, and not on him?!

@Browndilocks is right. A man who values you will want to place and even anticipate your needs/wants above his. Her car example is perfect and so many others in this thread have shown how later on it might be the home you want to buy, the school you want the children to attend, the town where you should live...etc..
Will he only give in to your wants after you plead/beg/nag or will he strive to do and anticipate things that bring you happiness?
 
Browndilocks said:
You said he drives a 90K car and you drive a Hyundai. While nothing is wrong with driving either, your car is not parallel to his, in terms of value, class and comfort. It's kind of like when you see the BM of an athlete dressed from head to toe in designer everything but their kids look cheap and unkept. Can't help but give it the side eye.

When a man has a certain level of care and value placed on you, he wants you to look a certain way simply because you represent him. Ideally, instead of him having a 90K car while you drive a Hyundai, he'd be thoughtful enough to get rid of your car and COMPROMISE by getting you both say, two BMWs in the 60K range so you both can have luxury cars. Regardless of what you say or how you already manage, he'd insist upon it.

Perfect example - My friend's husband had Camry and he wants a Tesla which is around 120k. His wife (my friend) was driving a Dodge minivan and she wanted a Range Rover. He got rid of his car and now drives her minivan. Why? Because he just bought her the Range. He's taking care of her first... and would not buy a 120K Tesla for himself while she's in a 25k minivan. It's just a certain level of thoughtfulness, selflessness and consideration that based on your posts, your man doesn't seem to have for you. Cars aside - your man is too self centered to even help on the wedding, or even formally ask you to marry him. Does that mean I'm going to tell you not to marry him? Hell no. Just an observation that I personally give the side eye. You have to do whatever is in your heart and I hope whatever it is leads to your happiness.
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We just got the model x on Monday.
I don't get the hype.. :drunk: but it drives itself.
He said we should upgrade my car , he wants to upgrade my car but I don't want to. I'm happy he has a Tesla and the car he wants. I have a Hyundai .. and I actually like it.
We can afford both a Tesla and whatever else but.. I'll wait for something that catches my eye.

Comprise - Where we live (for me) our friends (for me)my need for family around and friends around (me) social calendar (me) changing his work schedule so he's off when I'm off (for me) , running my errands with me, I call that compromise. It's mostly about me :drunk:

Is it perfect? No
Can we improve? Yes!

I think we're off to a better start. So far he is comprising, discussing, open.... and he wants to make me happy

Thanks everyone
 
Good luck to you OP. Just make sure you really discuss your expectations of married life and the practicalities (bank accounts, budgets, fiduciary access, responsibilities, childrearing and schooling, prenups etc) thoroughly before you walk down the aisle.
 
kikigirl said:
Even the way you phrase in the passive voice puts the onus for change on you: How hurt your feelings were, not how his actions or inactions hurt your feelings; how he came across as callous...not how callous he was, etc...I know in counseling it is sometimes recommended to express how the hurt person feels in a non-accusational language, but this right here does not show any realization from his end.
Devil's advocate: It could just be that you are really bad at interpreting reality/his behavior, and need to deal with whatever baggage makes you perceive him/his actions in a negative light.... You see how this way of seeing things places on the burden of change on you, and not on him?!

@Browndilocks is right. A man who values you will want to place and even anticipate your needs/wants above his. Her car example is perfect and so many others in this thread have shown how later on it might be the home you want to buy, the school you want the children to attend, the town where you should live...etc..
Will he only give in to your wants after you plead/beg/nag or will he strive to do and anticipate things that bring you happiness?
Click to expand...

I'm not good at interpreting any of this...

I've never had to beg or nag. He's supportive of all my goals. When I quit my job because I was so depressed he totally understood and helped me through it. He encouraged me and motivated me. When my mother was ill he drove me every other weekend for visits. When I wanted to go back to school we got a place closer so my commute would not be difficult .

So yeah life hasn't been hard.
 
Adiatasha said:
I'm not good at interpreting any of this...

I've never had to beg or nag. He's supportive of all my goals. When I quit my job because I was so depressed he totally understood and helped me through it. He encouraged me and motivated me. When my mother was ill he drove me every other weekend for visits. When I wanted to go back to school we got a place closer so my commute would not be difficult .

So yeah life hasn't been hard.
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Hoping you are right, OP, and wishing you well!!!
Do you have a strong family support system where you are?
 
kikigirl said:
Hoping you are right, OP, and wishing you well!!!
Do you have a strong family support system where you are?
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Thanks! The advice I got from the ladies on this board was great.
No strong family support system where I live. I haven't had that in 15 years so.... I'm not sure how my family would be helpful anyway.

Who knows if I'm right?
I want to be happy. And if he's committed to making me happy then I'm happy.
 
hopeful said:
I hope everything works out for you. But from experience I will tell you that when a man wants his way he will often say he gets it, pretend to get it long enough to get his way, then revert back to his old ways, or his old ways resurface in another form. I hope this isn't the case. Keep your eyes wide open.

I am also saying this because men who are selfish, controlling, and manipulative generally don't all of the sudden change without a lot of hard work and introspection. Also from how you described him, I imagine it would be important to him to impress whoever is counseling you guys. Appearances are very important to some men. Appearing to be a certain type of man is more important to them than actually being a certain type of man.

But again, I wish you all the best. I wish you nothing but happiness. Take good care of you and make sure you keep you and your happiness as a main priority.
Click to expand...

He's not most men which is why I am with him.if he says he's going to do it. It's done.
Jeez y'all turned the man into a monster already.
I guess everybody husband around these parts perfect.

If I need to keep my eyes wide open then I should be with someone else , I've done that before. It's not as though he's trapping me cause I have loads of money or because I'm the hottest thing around or he just wants someone to control and I'm weak and poor and desperate. He wants to marry me because he wants his own family and I am his family. He wants to provide , keep me safe and make memories.
 
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