Fiancee Refuses To Help With Wedding

He sounds controlling and spoiled. He buys a $90k car but refuses to give just $5k for a wedding. Then also didn't want to pay the difference for the ring you wanted. In both cases said you pay. You pay for the wedding. You pay for the difference between the ring he bought and the ring you want. (Although it sounds like you insisted he pay for the ring you wanted). Also, you said he just showed up with a ring saying he wanted to marry you. No discussion ahead of time? No asking what you would like? I agree that you should tread lightly. Something isn't right.
 
hopeful said:
He sounds controlling and spoiled. He buys a $90k car but refuses to give just $5k for a wedding. Then also didn't want to pay the difference for the ring you wanted. In both cases said you pay. You pay for the wedding. You pay for the difference between the ring he bought and the ring you want. (Although it sounds like you insisted he pay for the ring you wanted). Also, you said he just showed up with a ring saying he wanted to marry you. No discussion ahead of time? No asking what you would like? I agree that you should tread lightly. Something isn't right.
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I agree with @hopeful.

Something isn't right. You guys need to talk. He needs to explain himself articulately. We can speculate all day whats up with him but at the end of the day only he knows.
 
When I got married, It was the opposite . I didn't want a wedding and my man kinda did. I thought it was wasted money because I don't have a lot of true friends or close family . It ended up we eloped to the court house and then honeymooned to the Dominican Republic. In addition I got a Mercedes paid in full.

It worked for us- no regrets!
 
hopeful said:
He sounds controlling and spoiled. He buys a $90k car but refuses to give just $5k for a wedding. Then also didn't want to pay the difference for the ring you wanted. In both cases said you pay. You pay for the wedding. You pay for the difference between the ring he bought and the ring you want. (Although it sounds like you insisted he pay for the ring you wanted). Also, you said he just showed up with a ring saying he wanted to marry you. No discussion ahead of time? No asking what you would like? I agree that you should tread lightly. Something isn't right.
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I just asked my husband what he thought and he said that it sounds like a controlling husband. We know a couple that started out like that, still married but the wife now realizes that she has a d-bag for a husband. She refuses to leave because she's used to a certain lifestyle. Don't be that woman.
Do what works for you but plan carefully either way @Adiatasha .
 
Adiatasha said:
Well I got the engagement ring I wanted.
I told him that I was not paying for my own ring.
Never
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I'm sad he asked you to pay for your ring. I didn't do the wedding thing because it was my desire. Everything I wanted- I got.

Always remember- when a man wants to marry you he is at his most generous and loving. It gets no better once he has you . You keep on saying he is well off. When I got engaged- I was saying "we are all off". "We will be buying this or that". In fact , that man changed my life and it took me awhile to be accustomed to my new life.

You should be getting what you want. If you are not getting it now- what will your marriage be like . A selfish man as a husband make life hell for a wife.
 
He has controlling and selfish tendencies and I would watch him very carefully. The issue is not the wedding, it's him refusing to place an effort both physically and financially towards something he knows will make you happy. It's him using ONLY his financial justification to decide on what he will contribute to in the relationship.

He can't seem to find the ability to compromise or bend on things he may not necessarily agree with (HUGE RED FLAG) and is failing to realize that in marriage, most things are decided on TOGETHER and are not to be subject to only his level of rational.

Today it's wedding vs. courthouse. Tomorrow it will be public vs. private school for your children, contacts vs. eyeglasses, HMO vs. PPO, pads vs. tampons, and the list can go on. What he is doing can quickly turn into financial abuse and manipulation. It is not based out of love or even respect for you and you need to be very careful. This is the rest of your life we are talking about.
 
Adiatasha said:
Kind of it ended up being an arguement about how I'm never satisfied and I always want more more more. He was so upset. I didn't want to have the conversation anymore at that level. I'll try again today.

I don't even feel like celebrating Christmas. I'm supposed to be happy and I'm not. I'm sad.
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I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope your conversation can bear fruit the second time around.
It just puzzles me that he is upset. I could potentially understand him being annoyed, but I don't get why he is upset that you want him to contribute ...especially since your setup is that you all split expenses day-to-day. I wonder how ready he is for marriage....because it sounds like he may be looking for a roommate that he happens to love.
 
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Adiatasha said:
Why wouldn't women know?
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I don't think he was being literal. More like we do not understand. Also not literally that we not understand finances :lol: but that we do not innately understand the financial pressures men face especially as it pertains to bills etc.
 
Several thoughts:

1) OP - Seek therapy solo. You need to learn the signs of emotional abuse (incl financial manipulation) on your own without him present.

You can't help him through his issues with using money to control your behavior until you empower yourself.

Plus, you don't want to pass this learned behavior on to your kids, whether you have them with him or another man. Today it's withholding money for a wedding. In 20 years you'll tell your kid "Go to my alma mater or I'm not helping pay for your education if the kid wants to go to FIT to study fashion or whatever." Using money to manipulate an outcome is emotionally abusive.

2) He pays the bills and you pay for vacations. Is the house in both your names or just his? If it is just in his name, he benefits by earning equity on his house. Plus he probably doesn't want anyone to assert that they helped to pay for the house pre-marriage. He wants to maintain it as HIS property entering a marriage.

3). Every couple I know of where the guy broke off the engagement had NOTHING invested in the wedding mere weeks leading up to it. Two couples so far. These grown men contributed not one single penny to anything..not the wedding or honeymoon plans. They pulled out after the bride and her maids had already purchased gowns, paid for venues, bought plane tickets, etc. The brides were embarrassed and quite upset of course. Both went on to marry other guys but best believe those women did not make the same mistake twice. Men today put their money behind their intentions and if a man puts forth nothing, I'd question his desire to be married.
 
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Adiatasha said:
Kind of it ended up being an arguement about how I'm never satisfied and I always want more more more. He was so upset. I didn't want to have the conversation anymore at that level. I'll try again today.

I don't even feel like celebrating Christmas. I'm supposed to be happy and I'm not. I'm sad.
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I agree with @Holla. I am so sorry you are going through this. But I am also glad you posted here about your situation. The whole you're never satisfied tactic is an emotionally manipulative ploy to make you feel guilty and allow him to have his way. He knows you hate fighting and don't like rocking the boat. He is counting on his tactics keeping you in your place. He's preying on that part of you that believes this is the best you can have, that he is the prize, and you should feel lucky.

If I were you I would step back and try to evaluate the situation you are in. I believe Holla suggested counseling because you will not be able to resolve this situation from your current state. You know the phrase: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Not saying you created his behavior but that the current relationship was co-created by you and him. I wish you the best. Hang in there.
 
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If you're happy with a manipulative guy who spends $90K on a car but wants you to pay for any price difference between the ring he selected and the ring you prefer as well as you paying for the wedding and honeymoon, by all means, marry him. Just be aware that I've seen this play out and it doesn't end well. They are divorcing and the kids are in therapy. Today's it's you paying for a ring and wedding, in 5 years it will be you paying for daycare for kids he didn't want. In 10 years it will be you paying for the larger house since he was fine in the house he bought. In 20 years it will be you paying for college for kids he never wanted or additional kids he didn't agree to have.

You and him need to get to the root of what is causing him to act this way.

For the record, I didn't want a wedding and felt it was a waste of money. I wanted to elope in Mexico. DH insisted on a traditional wedding and went to nearly every vendor meeting. DH lost his mom when he was a teenager and his family is big on weddings. Mine, not so much. My family usually does JOP weddings.
I tried to order carnations for the centerpieces and bouquets since it was cheapest. He refused.
I didn't even want the bouquets wrapped since it was extra. lol They were wrapped in fabric.
 
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I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this man does not want to get married. He's showing great disregard to your feelings. He's making you pay for everything, including the honeymoon, as if he's a guest at these proceedings and not the would be husband. He's telling you that you can have whatever you want as long as you pay for it. It seems like he's trying his best to push you away and have you leave him.

This brings to mind something that recently happened to a very good friend of mine. She was going through very much the same thing as you. This past weekend as a matter of fact. Turns out, he really didn't want to get married because..................................wait for it....................................he's already married. Has a whole secret family - wife and two kids. She has already paid for the dress, $1500 deposit on the venue, reserved tickets for the honeymoon. She's out close to $6K. I'm not saying that the same thing is happening with you, but just know, people behave the way they do for a reason. You need to know what his reason is. And that BS about him not liking big parties is just that - BS. This is his wedding, not a BBQ, and he can't be bothered to participate? Does he plan on participating in the marriage? Perhaps he just plans on dictating the marriage, in which case, you shouldn't marry him. Unless that's what you want?
 
I asked DH about this and he thinks your guy is just at the age where he "should" be married for work or social appearances but he doesn't want his life to change. He figures you will go along with his demands so he gets to have a "wife" but not a marriage. He's been perfectly clear, he will spend $90K on a car, send $2,500 to a friend, own 3 investment homes and spend his money on playing golf 3 times per week, but you only get what he feels like giving you.

DH said after the wedding you should immediately stack his money (demand access for household needs) to use for your next marriage since this will be husband #1.
 
Another thing, have you discussed how your finances will work when you are married? Will you have a joint account? Are you keeping the same arrangement you have now? Will your name be put on title deeds etc? Do you have real access to the money he brings in? And does he want a pre-nup?
 
As everyone has stated it's a red flag of how finances will be in your marriage. You should go to counseling alone and definitely pre-marital counseling. Money is the number one reason for divorce. It's best to avoid headache and heartbreak now than to save face for a few years. This will spill over into other areas in your relationship. I know a lot of this information can seem like too much at this time, however don't just brush it off. This is your life and you create your reality. It may not go 100% your way but there should be compromise in relationships.
 
This is so sad. I'm sorry OP.

Why does he have to have a 90K car while you drive a Hyundai? It just doesn't seem like that's how a man treats the person he's about to marry.

It's clear he is not willing to give you his best. Just the best he thinks you should get. I really hope things change for you.
 
Browndilocks said:
This is so sad. I'm sorry OP.

Why does he have to have a 90K car while you drive a Hyundai? It just doesn't seem like that's how a man treats the person he's about to marry.

It's clear he is not willing to give you his best. Just the best he thinks you should get. I really hope things change for you.
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I thought about this but didn't want to say anything, especially since the OP said that she doesn't care to spend a lot on a car..but it does seem very off to me. A man should want his woman in the best, not just himself.
 
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