Fiancee Refuses To Help With Wedding

Though I agree that y'all should look into premarital counseling:.......
I'm going to :seesaw:s-t-r-e-t-c-h and try to play Devils :whip:advocate/mediator:cupid:.

OP, can YOU initiate a compromise and see how he responds?
How about a small intimate Ceremonial Dinner at a nice place .....(Since he'd rather do a JOP wedding than a big o'party).
Here's a doable concept:
Our Bride and Groom last week opted for a small civil ceremony on the Front Steps of the Castle, with 35 of their closest friends and family in attendance. Following the ceremony, guests enjoyed a delicious dinner catered by Dianna’s Kitchen. As dinner came to a close, an additional 100 guests arrived and the celebration moved outside to our Courtyard.
From: http://www.castletearoom.com/small-ceremony-and-dinner-then-large-reception
​
This way YOU get to wear the dress; HE gets something like a JOP wedding AND with some creativity it doesn't quite require a bunch of funds. BTW: I'm only stretching my neck out here because USUALLY the groom does not pay for the wedding anyhow...That expense traditionally falls on the Bride's family.
Again, I'm s-t-re-t-c-h-i-n-g to make nice ....and as I've been told...."There are times you have to choose whether you want to be HAPPY or whether you want to be RIGHT" ....AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THIS IS A CHOICE OFTEN MADE WHEN MARRIED.....​
 
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I don't like
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
Aww. I hope you two come to an agreement dear :grouphug:
Click to expand...

I don't know.
I didn't like the engagement ring and wanted something that was more my style he told me that I needed to pay for the difference if there was one between my old ring and my new ring

That also threw me for a loop.
He will spend thousands on Christmas gifts but skimp on an engagement ring and wedding. He's not poor. He is wealthy.
 
Adiatasha said:
@Ivonnovi he said he wasn't paying for anything
Nada, zilch, zip, zero
Click to expand...

Understood. I mentioned that format because IMHO his stance indicates that he probably wouldn't be to happy to participate in a big ol party either. The recommended format would cut down on expenses (for you); and perhaps soften his Nada, Zilch, zip zero stance. Hopefully in the end you both can compromise.
(BTW: I wouldn't ask him to plan it with you, feel free to lean on your friends and just provide him minimum updates...as needed...and by all means plan within your budget....minus his suit/tux and licensing fees (the latter of which he's already agreed to pay whether he knows it or not, LOL)


ETA:

Wait WWHUT!!!!! @
Adiatasha said:
I don't like


I don't know.
I didn't like the engagement ring and wanted something that was more my style he told me that I needed to pay for the difference if there was one between my old ring and my new ring

That also threw me for a loop.
He will spend thousands on Christmas gifts but skimp on an engagement ring and wedding. He's not poor. He is wealthy.
Click to expand...
​
1. I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it is but please stop counting his coins and stop counting on him. PLEASE, because his coins are distracting you from seeing things clearly.

2. I don't think this living arrangement/marriage is a good idea for YOU. YOU ARE WORTHY OF a man that RESPECTS YOU,... AND A HUSBAND that put's YOU FIRST!

3. It looks to me as though you've grown accustomed to what HE can provide, what assets HE has; and "the lifestyle". There's nothing wrong with that; BUT....it seems HE's grown accustomed to YOU being around, and accepting trinkets HE sweeps your way.
I'm at a loss for words on how to eloquently communicate my view point but let me share this story with you:

While in Iraq, one of my soldiers decided that he was going to marry his girl. He showed me a few nice looking rings and they weren't too cheap. I smiled at his lovely choices and said "let me see your truck again". Dude had a tricked out Navigator complete with very expensive Rims.....which I asked about.
He looked at me like I was crazy when I asked why would he spend more on Rims (which depreciate) than he would the ring (which appreciates) for his wife and the potential mother of his children!?! As I walked away I left him with the thought that he should reevaluate his values.....he suggested I had a Gold digger's mentality..... I asked what else should I be digging for!!!?
​
4. Please invest in a man that will SHARE his WEALTH with you (I gives a damn not if the new one is not as "well off" as this one; because YOU are not well off with him).

5. If you were my daughter I'd advise you to stack your coins and prepare to KIM because it looks like you'll constantly be capitulating to his demands/opinions/etc.
 
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Maybe I'll just have the wedding pay for it and invite none of his friends or family. Since he's uninterested and thinks it's just one big party then none of them need show up and eat and drink on my dime. Oh and maybe if he wants them to show up then I'll take the cost of the wedding, divide by the amount of guests and charge him per person.
:flyingwitch:
 
Adiatasha said:
I don't like


I don't know.
I didn't like the engagement ring and wanted something that was more my style he told me that I needed to pay for the difference if there was one between my old ring and my new ring

That also threw me for a loop.
He will spend thousands on Christmas gifts but skimp on an engagement ring and wedding. He's not poor. He is wealthy.
Click to expand...
He's acting like he wants you to accept whatever crumbs he throws at you. Meanwhile he will spend as much as he wants on the things he wants.
I hope yall can work this out. His mindset is troubling
 
I asked my male friend about this and his opinion is: it's an intimacy issue. You want to express love differently than he does by having a wedding vs. courthouse. He's opening his heart to you, which he may have never done with another woman, and you're not accepting the way he's trying to express love to you. You might be hurting his feelings by changing the ring or he may be uncomfortable with a big wedding. You have to accept the type of man he is. He's withholding the money as cover for not wanting to have a wedding.

On the flip side he is being selfish for not sacrificing one night of being uncomfortable for you. He's being selfish and he sounds like a routined guy (set in his routine). He seems stubborn so you may need to give a little in this issue.

That's male friends pov.
 
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Whatever you do, don't get married until you go through pre-marital counseling. If you go through with this and pay for the entire wedding without any input from him, you are going to resent him (possibly for the rest of your life). You really don't want to start your marriage this way.

:bighug:
I can't even imagine what you are going through but it's not going to disappear without you two facing this issue head-on.
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
I asked my male friend about this and his opinion is: it's an intimacy issue. You want to express love differently than he does by having a wedding vs. courthouse. He's opening his heart to you, which he may have never done with another woman, and you're not accepting the way he's trying to express love to you. You might be hurting his feelings by changing the ring or he may be uncomfortable with a big wedding. You have to accept the type of man he is. He's withholding the money as cover for not wanting to have a wedding.

On the flip side he is being selfish for not sacrificing one night of being uncomfortable for you. He's being selfish and he sounds like a routined guy (set in his routine). He seems stubborn so you may need to give a little in this issue.

That's males friends pov.
Click to expand...

I asked a male friend as well. He thinks the fiance has cash flow problems and simply can't afford the wedding he thinks OP has in mind and just doesn't want to say it.
 
He sounds incredibly selfish, stubborn and arrogant, and that's not something that usually gets better as the years go by. I would hold off on marrying him until this is ironed out. I would not go ahead and pay for everything by myself.

If money is an issue i don't understand why he wouldn't let you know, or bring up the idea of a budget of some kind.
 
even if you don't get a formal religious counselor, it is very important to have pre-marital discussions on everything from finances to kids to retirement goals.

You are in a tough spot and have to find a compromise on the type of wedding you want that won't leave you resenting him for the rest of your life together. I would say make sure you surround yourself with your friends and family and only invite his key family members with a small intimate gathering.
 
Adiatasha said:
No cash flow issues
He just doesn't see the importance of spending money on an engagement ring and a wedding.
Click to expand...

He meant it I'm terms of expenses. I asked him since he, himself, has a pretty good profession and has the salary to match. He said women don't know how expenses eat away at your income.

But you'll know your finances best.
 
Adiatasha said:
Maybe I'll just have the wedding pay for it and invite none of his friends or family. Since he's uninterested and thinks it's just one big party then none of them need show up and eat and drink on my dime. Oh and maybe if he wants them to show up then I'll take the cost of the wedding, divide by the amount of guests and charge him per person.
:flyingwitch:
Click to expand...


:lol:

I'm not laughing at your situation just this post. I can relate. FH does not want an elaborate wedding either. We would have been married already had I agreed to a JOP. It's especially hard since my man too makes a 6 figure income and drives a flashy sports car. I understand your frustration, hurt and confusion.

I think every woman deserves the wedding of her dreams but at some point you will have to decide which is more important, your fairytale wedding or kick starting a happy and healthy marriage. I think you should wait a little while to revisit this conversation and have an honest conversation. You need to find a common ground. Both should be content with wedding preparations.
 
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