Fear is leading me & I am not sure how to stop it

[Reslnt1]

I have not dated someone seriously in years and recently met a man....oh lawd!!! ...a fine( used to model and works as a personal trainer p/t), educated (went to Morgan, majored in Bio), God loving man. We met 4 years ago at a fashion show that we were both in....I had such a crush on him but never told him...couldn't even speak to him b/c all the women were always hovering....
Anywho.....we bumped into each other a month ago and have been stuck like glue ever since. Either via text, phone calls or face to face.....
But i must admit that i get nervous when he doesn't answer my calls or when he doesnt respond to my texts in what i think is a timely manner..... He does always have a valid reason, but when you've been hurt it all makes u raise your brow....I know that most of it is just fear,fear that there are others evnthough he has stated that there arent and that he only wants to date me.... and that he's not like other men...blah blah blah..I am scared to death of having my feelings hurt again...usually by now i've dumped the guy but he really is trying to prove me wrong......I believe in LOA and know that he is here b/c i invited him into my world...but now that i have him I don't know what to do with him.....and I'm scared that my paranoia willl push him away....my g/f tells me to date different men, but honestly I am not good at that.....i'll be calling A B and B C, they'll all hate me when its over....when i like u, i like u, thats it......This fear is stunting me

 

[Integrity]

if you are asking for advice: i think you should limit your calling. Let him pursue YOU. and dont let him know just how much he means to you. not now!

are you in agreement that you exclusively date each other? how serious is this? it is important you are both on the same page or you may end up getting hurt. JMHO

 

[Integrity]

evnthough he has stated that there arent and that he only wants to date me

did he tell you this only WHEN you asked him? or he brought it up first?

 

[janiebaby]

I think Ms Integrity is right you should let him pursue you and don't sit around waiting for him to call you or text you back believe me this makes it less noticeable for you and more enjoyable for him.

Find something else to take up some of your time and don't be as available. Good luck hun, please invite me to the wedding!

 

[Reslnt1]

Actually i told him that i wanted to date other people and thats when he stated it.....
In regards to the calling I let him initiate the communication....i even went so far as to ignore one of his messages for the entire day (which is not like me) and low and behold i got a phone call late than night.....he kinda snuck in a statement about me not sending him any messages all day...i just ignored it

did he tell you this only WHEN you asked him? or he brought it up first?

 

[Integrity]

Actually i told him that i wanted to date other people and thats when he stated it.....

great!!!!!!!!

 

[Integrity]

Actually i told him that i wanted to date other people and thats when he stated it.....
In regards to the calling I let him initiate the communication....i even went so far as to ignore one of his messages for the entire day (which is not like me) and low and behold i got a phone call late than night.....he kinda snuck in a statement about me not sending him any messages all day...i just ignored it

great. keep doing this....in fact magnify it to the power of 10.

 

[Reslnt1]

Well school is about to start and i will be attending f/t as well as working f/t....so time will be limited in about a week or so

As for the wedding....I'll keep my fingers crossed.....lol

I think Ms Integrity is right you should let him pursue you and don't sit around waiting for him to call you or text you back believe me this makes it less noticeable for you and more enjoyable for him.

Find something else to take up some of your time and don't be as available. Good luck hun, please invite me to the wedding!

 

[Reslnt1]

great!!!!!!!!

But i really don't want to date other people.....I am not good with keeping names in order.......i've messed that up too many times b 4.....so do i still get a great......

 

[janiebaby]

But i really don't want to date other people.....I am not good with keeping names in order.......i've messed that up too many times b 4.....so do i still get a great......

I say do you dating multiple people works for some and doesn't for others. I think the point was not to get too wrapped up in him to the point where if something happened it would break your heart or crush you. I also don't advocate seeming disinterested, don't ignore him, but show him in little ways like the message example you wrote out that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Oh and yes I will expect the invitation through PM along with how you used LOA to invite him in.

 

[Reslnt1]

I asked and meditated on the man of my dreams pretty much everyday....and spoke on it almost all day.....didn't talk to women that had negative issues with men b/c they seemed to drown me with their issues...then the phone convo would turn to male bashing.....I wanted and expected nothing less than a beautiful man, with no children, no smoking or other substance use, stable, marriage material, come from a two parent household, educated, independent, affectionate.......i refused to believe that i could not have everything that i wanted in a man

I say do you dating multiple people works for some and doesn't for others. I think the point was not to get too wrapped up in him to the point where if something happened it would break your hear or crush you. I also don't advocate seeming disinterested, don't ignore him, but show him in little ways like the message example you wrote out that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Oh and yes I will expect the invitation through PM along with how you used LOA to invite him in.

 

[Integrity]

I think the point was not to get too wrapped up in him to the point where if something happened it would break your hear or crush you.

ITA.....only because it is very early days

 

[MissYocairis]

Great thread, Reslnt!

You are doing just fine. Ignore the worry and enjoy the experience. Appreciate the friendship and take all the time you need to feel more comfortable.

ITA with the other ladies...let him fulfill his God given nature of pursuit. He will appreciate most the thing he had to work for. Miss a call....miss a text....be unavailable for 24 hours every now and again. Be his friend first. Have fun with him. Laugh together. Men need to love who they are when they are with you in order to love you. And it only HELPS your case if he has to miss you every now and again.

Also, the other ladies are right...let him lead on the feelings front. Do not discuss yours unsolicited, and even then, be vague. This will represent the challenge his nature is seeking.

Don't forget to focus most on having fun with him. People can sense fear. You have to change your mind about what you are going to focus on to overcome fear driving your thoughts.

I want a wedding invitation too!

 

[Reslnt1]

Awww..I feel all warm inside, thank you ladies......well Sunday starts a new week...which means i get to put my game face on and make this thing happen in my favor

 

[cocoberry10]

if you are asking for advice: i think you should limit your calling. Let him pursue YOU. and dont let him know just how much he means to you. not now!

are you in agreement that you exclusively date each other? how serious is this? it is important you are both on the same page or you may end up getting hurt. JMHO

I agree with the bolded.

 

[redbone_412]

I say do you dating multiple people works for some and doesn't for others. I think the point was not to get too wrapped up in him to the point where if something happened it would break your heart or crush you. I also don't advocate seeming disinterested, don't ignore him, but show him in little ways like the message example you wrote out that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Oh and yes I will expect the invitation through PM along with how you used LOA to invite him in.

Yes, I agree b/c then he will think you don't like him. I've been in your situation plenty of times, facing that now as a matter a fact, and I've found that iggin him or not calling him makes a man feel like you aren't as interested and then they move on or think you are playing games...don't let fear block your blessings...I tell myself this every day

 

[Ms Red]

This is great advice, CBC You're on point again!

OP-- please in the midst of it all, have fun. SMILE! Like you invited him into your life, now invite hapiness.

Great thread, Reslnt!

You are doing just fine. Ignore the worry and enjoy the experience. Appreciate the friendship and take all the time you need to feel more comfortable.

ITA with the other ladies...let him fulfill his God given nature of pursuit. He will appreciate most the thing he had to work for. Miss a call....miss a text....be unavailable for 24 hours every now and again. Be his friend first. Have fun with him. Laugh together. Men need to love who they are when they are with you in order to love you. And it only HELPS your case if he has to miss you every now and again.

Also, the other ladies are right...let him lead on the feelings front. Do not discuss yours unsolicited, and even then, be vague. This will represent the challenge his nature is seeking.

Don't forget to focus most on having fun with him. People can sense fear. You have to change your mind about what you are going to focus on to overcome fear driving your thoughts.

I want a wedding invitation too!

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

I guess it's cool to back off sometimes, but playing games often becomes too much. It's stressful. When you feel like calling, call! As long as you aren't being annoying or hovering over him too much, I think it's fine. It's ironic I say this because I've always played the low key role in dating. I can go a week without calling a guy even if I really want to. All of that is for the birds. If he's genuinely into you, he's expecting your phone calls and time and enjoys them when you allow him to. I'm not trying to play the religious card, but if this person is for you then let God's will be done - even if it's for a SEASON. Let him serve his season in your life. God intentionally places different people in our lives for a certain amount of time for a reason. Don't let fear control your actions. I'm doing the very same thing in my current relationship. My SO has committed himself to practicing abstinence with me (well, I hope! lol) he treats me with love and respect that I only imagined at one point. None the less, I still almost want something to be wrong because I want to believe it's too good to be true! If he is doing something you feel is disrespectful to you alls relationship/relations, you can't search for it. What you do in the dark will come to light eventually, anyway. In the meantime, don't drive yourself crazy. My bf is under my phone plan and out of insecurity, I checked his calls and got worked up over something I have no proof is even wrong. I'm not even gona check into it. God hasn't given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Besides, if the man is for you, he's for YOU. If not, let's keep it moving

Maybe this post wasn't for you, but for ME?

 

[Country gal]

Don't live in fear because it doesn't come from God. I would find other things to do with my time so his response time won't be bothersome.

 

[Nina_S]

I guess it's cool to back off sometimes, but playing games often becomes too much. It's stressful. When you feel like calling, call! As long as you aren't being annoying or hovering over him too much, I think it's fine. It's ironic I say this because I've always played the low key role in dating. I can go a week without calling a guy even if I really want to. All of that is for the birds. If he's genuinely into you, he's expecting your phone calls and time and enjoys them when you allow him to. I'm not trying to play the religious card, but if this person is for you then let God's will be done - even if it's for a SEASON. Let him serve his season in your life. God intentionally places different people in our lives for a certain amount of time for a reason. Don't let fear control your actions. I'm doing the very same thing in my current relationship. My SO has committed himself to practicing abstinence with me (well, I hope! lol) he treats me with love and respect that I only imagined at one point. None the less, I still almost want something to be wrong because I want to believe it's too good to be true! If he is doing something you feel is disrespectful to you alls relationship/relations, you can't search for it. What you do in the dark will come to light eventually, anyway. In the meantime, don't drive yourself crazy. My bf is under my phone plan and out of insecurity, I checked his calls and got worked up over something I have no proof is even wrong. I'm not even gona check into it. God hasn't given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Besides, if the man is for you, he's for YOU. If not, let's keep it moving

Maybe this post wasn't for you, but for ME?

No, this post was for ME!! Thanks Innocent_Kiss, I needed to hear that!

ResInt1, I agree with the other ladies just go about your life, enjoy the experience and always trust your intuition. Be true to yourself and don't operate in fear. Focus on the things that he does for you and to you and how they make you feel. Remember also that even though he is a man, he also wants to know that he is appreciated and cared for.


Nina

 

[MJ]

I'd recommend checking out the books posted in this thread. Based on what I've read, I think you'd find these two very helpful:

Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward.

Don't Bet On The Prince: How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself by Dr. Gilda Carle

.

 

[Kiadodie]

I asked and meditated on the man of my dreams pretty much everyday....and spoke on it almost all day.....didn't talk to women that had negative issues with men b/c they seemed to drown me with their issues...then the phone convo would turn to male bashing.....I wanted and expected nothing less than a beautiful man, with no children, no smoking or other substance use, stable, marriage material, come from a two parent household, educated, independent, affectionate.......i refused to believe that i could not have everything that i wanted in a man

I love this. I've already made the list of the type of man I want..now it's time to bring him into my life. All I think about are the negatives that have happened in the past...got to change my thinking. You are my
inspiration .
I got the book "Calling in the One" and already started it. I'm also going to meditate on it. Good luck and DO NOT let fear drive you. Remember, if this man is for you, he's for YOU..

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Reslnt1, should the only thing preventing you from dating more than one man be name confusion...then you should call them by the same name! Baby, Honey, whatever. I may have missed your response about the two of you agreeing to an exclusive relationship. I think if you are open about being non-exclusive then name confusion should not really be an issue. Dating more than one person {dating, not being intimate} should not be a problem...you are not engaged or married. Stay free until you both commit.
Just my 2cents.

 

[Reslnt1]

I read the first one a couple of years ago, but, "he" never came and i trashed it......lol

I'd recommend checking out the books posted in this thread. Based on what I've read, I think you'd find these two very helpful:

Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward.

Don't Bet On The Prince: How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself by Dr. Gilda Carle

.

 

[Reslnt1]

Brooklyn South...I might have to try the multiple baby thing, b/c i feel a little "open" and i can't give him that control just yet......

Kia, you are right....it is the fear that't holding me back...maybe i'll buy the book again, i was single and not dating when i bought it the first time, somaybe this time it will be a little different

 

[Sweetcheri8]

Oh my goodness this thread was made for me too! I recently started dating someone ( two weeks I know it is really early but we talked on the phone for a whole week constantly before we me. My sister hooked us up and we both developed feelings for each other before we saw one another. Then when we did meet it was a wrap! )and everything is good...but I find myself fearful for the other shoe to drop. If he does not respond the way and manner I am used to a ? pops into my head. I really am starting to develop feelings and am not intrested in dating mutliple men. I want to discuss this with him but not seem desperate or too forward. I know he likes me and don't want to be too aloof either. I am not trying to make him the one just trying to ex him out if he is not interestd in the possibility of becoming that with someone right now or in his near future. How can that be accomplished? I am also not into the whole playing games things...I just end up getting confused. How can you be real without being a doormat. What happened to falling in love and things just happening???

 

[Reslnt1]

Oh my goodness this thread was made for me too! I recently started dating someone ( two weeks I know it is really early but we talked on the phone for a whole week constantly before we me. My sister hooked us up and we both developed feelings for each other before we saw one another. Then when we did meet it was a wrap! )and everything is good...but I find myself fearful for the other shoe to drop. If he does not respond the way and manner I am used to a ? pops into my head. I really am starting to develop feelings and am not intrested in dating mutliple men. I want to discuss this with him but not seem desperate or too forward. I know he likes me and don't want to be too aloof either. I am not trying to make him the one just trying to ex him out if he is not interestd in the possibility of becoming that with someone right now or in his near future. How can that be accomplished? I am also not into the whole playing games things...I just end up getting confused. How can you be real without being a doormat. What happened to falling in love and things just happening???

What happened was (in my case) i kept seeing that the men an women that i knew who did play games were the ones getting married or were in serious relationships while I was being straight forward and getting dissed....lol...while i am keeping my fingers crossed for myself will keep some crossed for you tooo

 

[FunkyMunky]

I also don't believe in playing games. If the two of you are ready for a relationship and tired of playing games you have to step out on faith.

IMO, you can't truly love someone with ego. That includes the I won't call him unless he calls me, I will make him wait another hour, laughing when he is calling because you know it is bothering him, etc... that's all ego.

If you care about someone you don't do those things. If you got in an argument with your mother or your child, you wouldn't let them call 10 times and laugh about it and I thought your partner is suppose to be an extension of your family.

Loving without ego is the kind of love that builds 30-40 year relationships because the goal is always making it work no matter what. Sometimes you have to give in and sometimes he may have to but either way you are doing it because you truly love the person not because you are an idiot or pushover and a partner that is truly ready for a real relationship will recognize it. However, if you want a short term relationship then love with ego and that's exactly what you will get because you will always feel like your partner has an ulterior motive or means you harm in some kind of way. When you love without ego you and your partner already know and have agreed that the goal is to make it work, never to make the other person out to look like a fool.

Love is a gamble. Sometimes you play and sometimes you get played but you can't let your ego get in the way of loving someone because while you are putting your guard up he may be at a point where he has his down and you end up losing out.

Just go with the flow and keep and throw your common sense out the window. Follow his lead. Mirror his behavior. If he is calling, then call. If he is not, then back off some. Your main goal is to determine if he has the same goal and beliefs about relationships as you do, that's it.

 

[Ms Red]

This was beautifully stated...

I also don't believe in playing games. If the two of you are ready for a relationship and tired of playing games you have to step out on faith.

IMO, you can't truly love someone with ego. That includes the I won't call him unless he calls me, I will make him wait another hour, laughing when he is calling because you know it is bothering him, etc... that's all ego.

If you care about someone you don't do those things. If you got in an argument with your mother or your child, you wouldn't let them call 10 times and laugh about it and I thought your partner is suppose to be an extension of your family.

Loving without ego is the kind of love that builds 30-40 year relationships because the goal is always making it work no matter what. Sometimes you have to give in and sometimes he may have to but either way you are doing it because you truly love the person not because you are an idiot or pushover and a partner that is truly ready for a real relationship will recognize it. However, if you want a short term relationship then love with ego and that's exactly what you will get because you will always feel like your partner has an ulterior motive or means you harm in some kind of way. When you love without ego you and your partner already know and have agreed that the goal is to make it work, never to make the other person out to look like a fool.

Love is a gamble. Sometimes you play and sometimes you get played but you can't let your ego get in the way of loving someone because while you are putting your guard up he may be at a point where he has his down and you end up losing out.

Just go with the flow and keep and throw your common sense out the window. Follow his lead. Mirror his behavior. If he is calling, then call. If he is not, then back off some. Your main goal is to determine if he has the same goal and beliefs about relationships as you do, that's it.

 

[FunkyMunky]

I just started dating someone a few months ago myself and after the 1st month it seemed like we had power struggles going on.

I had to tell him over and over in a tender way that we were on the same team and that I wasn't trying to intentionally hurt him or diminish his manhood in any way by my words or actions so it was okay for him to let his guard down. I made up in my mind I wanted it to work with him and once you both make that decision there is no other decision to make.

Even when I felt he may have been wrong about something insignificant but I was blowing it out of the water because he wasn't doing it the way I wanted, I had to correct myself and then I still approached him with love and kindness. I made it very clear that if I called him after an argument to say I was sorry or to keep the peace it wasn't because I was weak or giving in, it was because I loved him and I wanted us to get over it and get back to US. I also told him why would I want to not talk to you for 2-3 days because of a petty argument and that it hurt like hell not to talk to him during that time and he expressed the same thing.

You know what, he finally got it. Now, we cuss each other out and a hour or so later we are talking again. We know it doesn't mean we are breaking up, rather I had to tell you about your arse. Hell, after I hang up the phone, 5 mins later I am laughing to myself because I know he has laughed about it to and let it go.

When he messes up (never anything major) and calls I readily accept him back and vice versa. I let him know that as long as he reached for me I would reach back and that's what we are committed to doing and its working. I'm doing it differently this time. I have learned that you gotta be vulnerable before you can expect him to be vulnerable. No one is going to put themselves out there without hearing that its safe to do so.

We have both been hurt and after you have been hurt so many times sometimes all it takes is for a person to verbalize they aren't trying to hurt you and after awhile with their actions backing it up, you will begin to believe it and let the fear go.