Ex-Wife wants a "tour" before child can visit?

[Kalia1]

I am newly married to a man who has a daughter from his first marriage.
I haven't met his daughter or his ex-wife. I have spoken to his daughter over the phone only.

She is a pre-teen whom my husband adores. It's the first time I've been a step-parent so this is new to me. I am a mother so I have been trying to empathise with his ex-wife's position.

She feels that before their daughter can come visit her Dad she must tour our home. He has been getting his daughter for years and never once did she ask to see his place when he lived alone.

I trying to be mature told my husband "okay" just to ward off the drama. I am a very private person and particular about whom I let into my home.

Being that the daughter is a pre-teen if anything were to happen she could call her mother and exopress herself at anytime when she is with us. Even if she felt uncomfortable she could contact her Mom. She has her own cellphone. She isn't a baby!

His ex-wife stated that if she isn't allowed to see every room of our home he will have to see their daughter in public places only?
This is crazy! He has been getting her every summer for years. Now this?

What is the matter with this chica? I have a funny feeling that it's always going to be something with her.

They have been divorced for over 10 years after a 18 month marriage.

Surely by now she should be over IT!

Thanks for letting me vent

P.S. My husband is adamant against her coming to our home.

 

[Curlybeauty]

How did you marry a man without meeting his kid?

 

[Curlybeauty]

Don't take the passive position in this dilemma if it really bothers you...

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

She should be over what by now? Wanting to make sure her child has a nice place to sleep?

 

[SqrpioQutie]

if they have a legal custody order and his visitation rights have been established, it doesn't matter what conditions she tries to put on the visit.... if the two of you don't want her there, then she doesn't have to be allowed there...

if there isn't a custody/visitation order in place, then put one in place....

 

[SmileyNY]

I don't have kids but... Idk what's wrong with wanting to see where your child will be sleeping... Especially if it's with someone you don't know.

Granted, she's probably being a little nosey too lol.... But it's not a big deal. I don't think a parent being fully aware of where their children are is ever a bad thing.

She also probably suspicious of you b/c you married her child's father w/o meeting her child.


This women is going to be in your life for as long as you and your husband are together. Is this really worth making an issue of? Don't give her a reason to act out. It's a one time thing. Do it, get it over with, shut her up... Then live happily ever after lol.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

She should be over what by now? Wanting to make sure her child has a nice place to sleep?

if dad has been providing sufficient accommodations up til now, what sense does the sudden change make?.... everything was cool til dad got married?...

 

[Zuleika]

She should be over what by now? Wanting to make sure her child has a nice place to sleep?

If that was the case then she would not ask to see EVERY room in the house.

 

[Keen]

I don't think you as the step mom can say much but your husband should not agree to this. God knows what other hoops she will make yall go through. If there are no legal visitation right, your husband may want to seek one. This has nothing to do with the house. She just want to be nosy or check you out.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

if dad has been providing sufficient accommodations up til now, what sense does the sudden change make?.... everything was cool til dad got married?...

It makes a big difference. She has not met the child and I doubt she has met the mother. Do you watch the news? Do you see all these step parents hurting their step children? It might seem like I'm reaching, but it's been happening all too frequently.

If that was the case then she would not ask to see EVERY room in the house.

You might be right, but she still needs to be able to see where her child will be staying. It's very fishy that the child has never met OP and she's married to her father, but that's not the point of this thread. Moving right along.

 

[Curlybeauty]

I don't think you as the step mom can say much but your husband should not agree to this. God knows what other hoops she will make yall go through. If there are no legal visitation right, your husband may want to seek one. This has nothing to do with the house. She just want to be nosy or check you out.

Don't be passive, talk to DH about this.

 

[WhoIAm]

I understand why she wants to see where and who her daughter will be around, but why does she need to see the master bedroom?

Homegirl is testing the waters. Your husband needs to set boundaries and if she decides to show her *** regarding custody and visitation, then he needs to take her to court. If they have a custody order, she can't revise the rules when she gets a wild hair up her...

 

[Kalia1]

@Curlybeauty-Each time he tried to arrange for us to meet her Mom would state that she was "busy" and couldn't make it. They don't live close to each other.

@SkysMommy-I am a mother who has children by an ex-husband. I have never been into his girlfriends home. They have been together for 15 years. My children spend the summers with them. I trust my ex-husband in regards to our children. I know he wouldn't bring them into a unsafe, unclean environment. I feel my husbands ex-wife should give him the same type of regard. Plus my children could verbalize the situation upon rerturn and would tell me everything.

 

[Kalia1]

I understand why she wants to see where and who her daughter will be around, but why does she need to see the master bedroom?

Homegirl is testing the waters. Your husband needs to set boundaries and if she decides to show her *** regarding custody and visitation, then he needs to take her to court. If they have a custody order, she can't revise the rules when she gets a wild hair up her...

My husband is a real cool guy who doesn't want to involve the courts in regards to this. They have no court order in regards to visitation. He said that is a last resort.

 

[Curlybeauty]

Curlybeauty-Each time he tried to arrange for us to meet her Mom would state that she was "busy" and couldn't make it. They don't live cloe to each other.

SkysMommy-I am a mother who has children by an ex-husband. I have never been into his girlfriends home. They have been together for 15 years. My children spend the summers with them. I trust my ex-husband in regards to our children. I know he wouldn't bring them into a unsafe, unclean environment. I feel my husbands ex-wife should give him the same type of regard. Plus my children could verbalize the situation upon rerturn and would tell me everything.

I would allow her to come visit my home, but she would never see the whole house (my bedroom, and places the chile has no business being in)

She is doing to much.

 

[nik83]

I feel like she is just trying to see what you all have in your house. If she had insisted on seeing his accommodations before you two got married as part of being protective of the child, then I would understand, because it makes sense to know where your child is going to spending her time and proper accommodations are made. The fact that it's now an issue is BS, it sounds like she is harboring feeling about their past marriage, most likely the type of life he provided her compared to you.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

I would allow her to come visit my home, but she would never see the whole house (my bedroom, and places the chile has no business being in)

She is doing to much.

I wouldn't let her into my bedroom either. She can, however, see the area the child will be sleeping in, the restroom and all other areas the kid will be in. I would want her to come and meet me. meh

 

[Kalia1]

I don't mind her coming at all!

I have been trying to set up dates to meet with she and her daughter since we have been married. Each week it's always something.

On a serious note I do understand about she wanting to make sure her daughter is safe and I am not crazy. Yet I believe their is a way to do things.

 

[nappystorm]

If I was a mother, I would be skittish too. His decision making skills are a little off. Who marries someone whose never met their child?

Nothing directed at you personally, OP, I'm sure you are a nice person. Just saying...

 

[libertysince05]

Honestly, you're in this situation because you've never met this kid (and presumably her mother)
This woman has had 10 years to trust her ex husband would treat her child right, but she doesnt know you from Eve.
Rather than her just turning up to inspect, it would be better and easier if you all (you, your husband, his daughter and her mother) had a meal together at your home. This way they can visit and get to know you (and the house)...
Your husband may be agaisnt this idea, but at the end of the day the person that will look bad is you, and this could result in strife and stress for his daughter.
This man put you in a bad situation by marrying you before introducing you to his daughter.
Once this is over, you dont have to open your doors to her in this way ever again...

 

[Kalia1]

I wouldn't let her into my bedroom either. She can, however, see the area the child will be sleeping in, the restroom and all other areas the kid will be in. I would want her to come and meet me. meh

She wants to see every room! This is what she told my husband.
My children and she have their own rooms and bathroom there is no need to see the masterbedroom/bath.

What's next I am going to have to open my garage and give her my plate#?

 

[snillohsss]

I don't see the big deal about her wanting to see where her daughter will be staying. She has no right to tour the entire home, but I would want to know where my child is sleeping as well.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

Honestly, you're in this situation because you've never met this kid (and presumably her mother)
This woman has had 10 years to trust her ex husband would treat her child right, but she doesnt know you from Eve.
Rather than her just turning up to inspect, it would be better and easier if you all (you, your husband, his daughter and her mother) had a meal together at your home. This way they can visit and get to know you (and the house)...
Your husband may be agaisnt this idea, but at the end of the day the person that will look bad is you, and this could result in strife and stress for his daughter.
This man put you in a bad situation by marrying you before introducing you to his daughter.
Once this is over, you dont have to open your doors to her in this way ever again...

You're right about this. After that first/last visit, she bets not show up again. (In my best Madea voice.)

 

[Curlybeauty]

I don't see the big deal about her wanting to see where her daughter will be staying. She has no right to tour the entire home, but I would want to know where my child is sleeping as well.

That aint the problem

Her being where EYE lay MY head at night is.

No shots fired #noshade

 

[Kalia1]

If I was a mother, I would be skittish too. His decision making skills are a little off. Who marries someone whose never met their child?

Nothing directed at you personally, OP, I'm sure you are a nice person. Just saying...

Please know we had tried continously to have a formal meeting with the two of them. His ex-wife would always have an excuse. I have adult children so from my perspective I was cool with marrying him.

I heard such great things about her and she has always been cordial over the phone.

However what was he going to do hold off and not marry because his ex wouldn't let his daughter meet me?

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

She wants to see every room! This is what she told my husband.
My children and she have their own rooms and bathroom there is no need to see the masterbedroom/bath.

What's next I am going to have to open my garage and give her my plate#?

Please know we had tried continously to have a formal meeting with the two of them. His ex-wife would always have an excuse. I have adult children so from my perspective I was cool with marrying him.

I heard such great things about her and she has always been cordial over the phone.

However what was he going to do hold off and not marry because his ex wouldn't let his daughter meet me?

Are you sure that's exactly she told your husband? It could have been a tad bit over exaggerated.. It's clear he doesn't want her over there.

Another question, and stop me if I'm being nosey. Has he not seen his daughter since you to have been dating/married? How is it that he couldn't bring her to meet you while he was on his daddy duties?

 

[hopeful]

My husband is a real cool guy who doesn't want to involve the courts in regards to this. They have no court order in regards to visitation. He said that is a last resort.

I do not understand at all why he would not have a court order or why it would be a last resort. Should have been the first thing he did when they divorced. That makes no sense to me. And I would not let her investigate my entire home, no way.

 

[mizztasha49]

As a mother, I can see where she might be coming from. You said his daughter is a pre-teen/teen that he gets over the summer...yet you have never met her???
No disrespect but the mother doesnt know you from a stranger on the street.....she doesnt know what kind of home you keep or company for that matter. I would through a little shade as well if it were me. Maybe just maybe this has little to do with her jealousy of your new marriage and more to do with her concern for her daughter's safety. That being said, she has NO reason to be in your bedroom, but I don't see the hassle in inviting her into your home....or perhaps meet on some neutral turf for the first time.

 

[French Rouge]

Please know we had tried continously to have a formal meeting with the two of them. His ex-wife would always have an excuse. I have adult children so from my perspective I was cool with marrying him.

I heard such great things about her and she has always been cordial over the phone.

However what was he going to do hold off and not marry because his ex wouldn't let his daughter meet me?

In the OP, it says he has been getting his daughter for years. Why didn't you meet the daughter during one of his other visits. How long did you know him before you got married?

 

[Kalia1]

SkysMommy-He saw her a few weeks ago before I moved to where we live now. We didn't live in the same state and neither do they. Ever since we have lived together each week it's been an excuse as to why we all can't get together from the ex-wifes side.

Today this request was made. Every other time prior we initiated getting together and were told no.