Don't be a man's therapist, especially if you like him!

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

Please ladies who are single, don't do this. You may think that a man telling you about his dating history or current relationship status will probably bring you two closer. You providing him a shoulder or ear to vent and you giving him free advice and your time will only cause you to get shafted (no pun intended )

This is something I used to do in the past and it left me looking like when my hopes of him seeing the great woman I was shattered.

Let him know that seeing a therapist or a psychologist is no longer taboo, but actually the in thing and that he should spill it to them.

They don't want to hear about your dating woes or your current boyfriend issues and if they do, it's not out of genuine concern, but they'll wait until you are vulnerable to get into the drawls.

Just a little advice I wanted to share

 

[Almaz]

Excatly cause he is just using you as a safe harbour Like men who are divorced but keep talking about their ex wives on the first date just hand him a phone book and wish him luck cause you ain't nothing but a rebound

 

[Renewed1]

^^^^Almaz that's funny!

 

[ambergirl]

Right on time! I'm dealing with one of these right now who wants to spend every waking moment with me because he's going through a divorce Ain't going to happen. Not only is his clingy, whiny behavior a turn off, he's not likely to stick around once he gets over his hurt. Most men don't want to be with the woman who saw them through their worst.

 

[Lissa0821]

This whole thread ain't nothing but the truth (pardon my English). I had to learn the hard way but I am so glad I finally got the lesson.

 

[DrC]

ummmmmm you shouldn't be ANYONES therapist.
IMO, I thought thats just common sense. ...right?

 

[Lissa0821]

ummmmmm you shouldn't be ANYONES therapist.
IMO, I thought thats just common sense. ...right?

Common sense is not so common, unfortunately.

 

[Spiffy]

Right on time! I'm dealing with one of these right now who wants to spend every waking moment with me because he's going through a divorce Ain't going to happen. Not only is his clingy, whiny behavior a turn off, he's not likely to stick around once he gets over his hurt. Most men don't want to be with the woman who saw them through their worst.

This.is.so.true! I find that I want a "ride or die chick" or this classic one "if a woman can't be with me at my worst then she doesn't deserve me at my best" mess to be a crock of bull. You see this everyday when men come up they dump the woman who supported them when they had nothing. Don't do it ladies!

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

ummmmmm you shouldn't be ANYONES therapist.
IMO, I thought thats just common sense. ...right?

It should be common sense, but emotions tend to get in the way.

Why did you come in here stating this? It really doesn't add anything progressive and positive to the flow of this thread. If anything, stating that doing such isn't common sense can result in further hurt feelings.

 

[TrueToHair]

............................

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I agree that emotions can get in the way and cause even the smartest of people to get taken advantage of .

Many of us are instinctive nurturers. The wrong man can take advantage of this nature. You have to guard your heart.

How do you do this without appearing cold?

 

[PretteePlease]

Where were you when I needed this thread in the winter of 2003

 

[TrueToHair]

..............................

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

How do you do this without appearing cold?

Good question!!! As I have learned (others please chime in on this question):

Stop fantasizing and start looking at reality.

It's not cold to protect your emotions and who cares if others feel that you are being cold.

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

Where were you when I needed this thread in the winter of 2003

Where was I when I needed this in the winter of 2003!

 

[AstroQueen77]

How do you do this without appearing cold?

Simply suggest that he see a therapist...and keep the distance. If he is still clueless, tell him straight up what you will or wont do. When you place boundaries, people tend to respect them.

Bottom line, don't give to get. This is an attitude that will leave you short changed.

 

[Imani]

Right on time! I'm dealing with one of these right now who wants to spend every waking moment with me because he's going through a divorce Ain't going to happen. Not only is his clingy, whiny behavior a turn off, he's not likely to stick around once he gets over his hurt. Most men don't want to be with the woman who saw them through their worst.

This.is.so.true! I find that I want a "ride or die chick" or this classic one "if a woman can't be with me at my worst then she doesn't deserve me at my best" mess to be a crock of bull. You see this everyday when men come up they dump the woman who supported them when they had nothing. Don't do it ladies!

If only somebody could've told me this sooner. But maybe god meant for me to have to learn it the hard way.

From now on my boundaries are up, my heart and my energy is on lock and key and its not getting opened up for just any ol body; thats not cold at all, thats just being real and looking out for me. I'm not your momma or your therapist and you need to have all your ish worked out before you step to me.

 

[hopeful]

Good question!!! As I have learned (others please chime in on this question):

Stop fantasizing and start looking at reality.

It's not cold to protect your emotions and who cares if others feel that you are being cold.

Not cold at all. I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't be her therapist because I was not qualified and because she was stressing me out. I then told her she should see a professional. After that she stopped dumping on me. It took a couple of years, but she is finally seeing a therapist and doing so much better. If you say it nicely, gently, and with love, most people will understand, if they don't then oh well.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Good question!!! As I have learned (others please chime in on this question):

Stop fantasizing and start looking at reality.

It's not cold to protect your emotions and who cares if others feel that you are being cold.

I wasn't being saracastic. I really wanted know how to set those boundaries, without appearing cold. Even with friends and relatives I have this problem.

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[Bubblingbrownshuga]

I wasn't being saracastic. I really wanted know how to set those boundaries, without appearing cold. Even with friends and relatives I have this problem.

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I know you weren't being sarcastic- what in my post made you think I thought you were?

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I know you weren't being sarcastic- what in my post made you think I thought you were?

I just wanted to clarify... No hard feelings. On this issue, I really wanted to know how to draw line the without being mean and seeming cold.

The live in reality part kind of through me off, but I understand your point now.

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[Crystalicequeen123]

I completely agree with this thread. I have found myself in this "role" a couple of times, and sad to say....we as women when we like a guy, tend to automatically fall into that "nuturing" role. Because honestly, what woman wants to see a man that she cares about feeling sad/rejected/dejected? We just naturally (usually anyway ) are good listeners, and good nurturers and know the right things to say in order to help men draw their feelings out (that's why men & women compliment each other nicely! ), but if we don't draw the line, we can end up being the really cool girl "pal" and not the WOMAN he wants to date seriously/marry.


MY question however, is.... What about those women who have actually been there for some men in difficult times, and have been a good sounding board/listening ear/support system for him, and the men end up falling for THEM!?? I'm thinking about cases like what happened with singer Shania Twain, and how she ended up marrying the man who's wife cheated on him with HER husband! They were each other's support system and ended up falling in love that way. So.....apparently, it DOES seem to work for SOME women. I"m not saying she was going that route (more than likely she wasn't), but for some men, a woman needing and being a supportive person is very attractive to them I guess. *shrugs* What was different in that case?

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ There are always exceptions to any rule so maybe that was the case with them..but not all people get married for the best reasons. Could be love, could be loneliness, could be shared experiences of betrayal

but my guess would be that he or she was crushing on the other before anyway and the affair gave them both an opportunity to explore it.

 

[Spiffy]

^I agree, but the thing about Shania and the guy she fell in love with, they were both hurting over a shared experience, as ambergirl stated. That is a common ground for them, but lots of people confuse common ground for shared values. Then again, maybe they do have shared values. We don't know their situation.

In most cases, it's usually the man acting as the 'emotional vampire' toward the woman. It's usually not a two-way street, so he gets used to her being his sounding board, but that never works in reverse.

Crystalicequeen123 my fav. relationship writer explains this phenomenon much better than I can.

Florence Nightingale: Women That Fix/Heal/Help and Empathy vs Sympathy

Florence Nightingale: Why needing to fix/heal/help in the name of love is unhealthy (P1)

Pt. 2

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

^I agree, but the thing about Shania and the guy she fell in love with, they were both hurting over a shared experience, as ambergirl stated. That is a common ground for them, but lots of people confuse common ground for shared values. Then again, maybe they do have shared values. We don't know their situation.

In most cases, it's usually the man acting as the 'emotional vampire' toward the woman. It's usually not a two-way street, so he gets used to her being his sounding board, but that never works in reverse.

Crystalicequeen123 my fav. relationship writer explains this phenomenon much better than I can.

Florence Nightingale: Women That Fix/Heal/Help and Empathy vs Sympathy

Florence Nightingale: Why needing to fix/heal/help in the name of love is unhealthy (P1)

Pt. 2

Thanks Spiffy!! I'll definitely take a look at those links.

And yes, you're probably right...they did share a MUTUAL situation and probably came together that way. I guess there is a difference.

 

[Fine 4s]

Funny cuz the guy I'm seeing decided to stop on his own. I wondered why he wasn't talking about his past relationship but I guess he figured it out himself. It didn't bother me when it was happening but again, I'm clueless to the do's and dont's anyway...

BTW, after realizing he's emotionally unavailable (because thats basically what it sounds like in these posts,) I've backed up since....I probably shouldn't say I'm 'seeing' him I'm just...'observing' him lol

 

[Sosoothing]

How do you do this without appearing cold?

Protecting your heart without appearing cold can be hard to do. The person you are protecting yourself from is most likely emotionally sensitive, thus the need for protection. Its very likely that however you express yourself, it will feel like rejection to them. In my opinion, you just have to do what you have to do sometimes. You can't please everyone.
I have been accused of being cold and heartless many a time and to this day am still sure I made the best choice for me.

Just because you 'appear' cold, doesn't mean you are. Nothing wrong with being upfront, honest and taking care of yourself.

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

I just wanted to clarify... No hard feelings. On this issue, I really wanted to know how to draw line the without being mean and seeming cold.

The live in reality part kind of through me off, but I understand your point now.

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Gotcha. I said live in reality because we women tend to fantasize about what could be instead of looking at how it is now. I believe this is what gets us caught up with feelings for a man who has no feelings for us.