Do you have someone on the Side??

[JFemme]

I may get stoned for this but IMO women and men define relationship differently.
Women have sat back forever and let men have all of the fun so why shouldn't an unmarried women keep her options open?

No stones here, Scorpian...

Women married or no, need to keep their game tight...

Now, I know there are different rules for us married folks but, I still feel women folks need to reserve a space in their head, concerning who they are without said DH....if-ing that sad day ever presents itself..

Keep yourself mindful of your options, thats all....

 

[Ivonnovi]

No, not currently.
In the past I've referred to it as ....(In Spades lingo....) ..."having One and a possible". That's all I ever learned from that game.

I've just stopped playing the game, and for all the reasons pointed out in you'alls posts it scares me not to have my "possible" on the side.
BUT

On the other hand, I've matured enought in my life to realize that "if" I keep playing the "Spades" game I will never be able to place 100% of my energy in to cultivating the type of relationship I want.
SO
for now I'm satisfied knowing that I'm still hot enough to replace him like that (finger snap). I still maintain a mental list of possibles

 

[miracle]

Nope. Never had a need to have anyone on the side.

 

[foxxymami]

wouldn't this be equivalent to being a single woman dating who keeps her options opened?

I may get stoned for this but IMO women and men define relationship differently. A man can have a girlfriend and still keep his options open because she's not his wife..doesn't matter if ya'll live together been together for years or whatever. When given an opportunity I've heard many a man say "well I'm not married so....." Exclusive to SOME men is only an option once they get married and even then if an opportunity presents itself they'll act now and worry about being sorry later.

As women when we say that's my man I'm his girlfriend we think that because we've agreed to be monogamous and committed that he's gonna do the same and when we find out that he hasn't held up his end of the deal we are heartbroken and he's confused 'cause you are not his wife so he thinks you are supposed to just get over it.

I believe that lots of men keep women on the side. That's why when ya'll break up you find out that he didn't waste any time he's already got with so and so and she's big and pregnant or he up and marries some girl right after you break up and you wonder where she came from and when he met her.erplexed

Women have sat back forever and let men have all of the fun so why shouldn't an unmarried women keep her options open?

 

[scorpian]

wouldn't this be equivalent to being a single woman dating who keeps her options opened?

If you are not married you are single

 

[foxxymami]

If you are not married you are single

ok thanks for your response

 

[scorpian]

ok thanks for your response

Your welcome

 

[WhipEffectz1]

If you are not married you are single

Pretty much, this needs to be etched in our minds!!

 

[naijaGal]

I'm glad this thread was started cos I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.

I'm always juggling. I'll only date one guy at a time but tend to have plan B, C, D and sometimes E ready and waiting if / when things head south with plan A.
Besides, guys do it all the time so I don't think they'll be too shocked to discover their women, in the absence of a ring, do pretty much the same.

 

[omnipadme]

I definitely think that when it's all said and done those on the side will eventually fall off once I'm ready to take that step with my beau. Like someone else pointed out, this is the guy that I broke up with before, and we got back together because I love him and he promised to work harder at the sour points (and I did too). I'm keeping the side dish until I see the fruits of that labor...

 

[simplertimes]

Nope. Never had a need to have anyone on the side.

Usually when I'm in a HAPPY relationship and I am in love, I feel no need to have a "side piece" .

It's only when I feel like something is missing or I feel he is cheating from my techniques , that I start looking for other prospects.

So yes, I do have side pieces if need be. But you best believe if you feel the need for one, so does your man

 

[foxxymami]

Usually when I'm in a HAPPY relationship and I am in love, I feel no need to have a "side piece" .

It's only when I feel like something is missing or I feel he is cheating from my techniques , that I start looking for other prospects.

So yes, I do have side pieces if need be. But you best believe if you feel the need for one, so does your man

that's my point.

let's keep it real.

if you have actively have someone on the side, then something is not all the way right with you and your man. i won't be convinced otherwise.

if you've been keeping a sidepiece for years now even though you and your man are now straight, then you've just gotten used to it.

i'm not perfect. i've had times where i had a "side piece" but it was always when thangs wasn't happy at home.

to say that its ok for women to have a piece until the ring comes along is baloney. if you don't know how to be committed in a relationship, you won't know how to be committed in a marriage. marriage doesn't magically make problems between 2 people go away, so to think that a ring on your finger will cause you to end things with your pieces............

a man can have a side piece, take her out, and all that good stuff using the justification ".........oh....well since me and you ain't married....." but let's be real a man will use ANY justification he can find that fits his situation. A cheatin' man is a cheatin' man. My friend's ex boyfriend still calls her and is trying desperately to get with her 'one mo gin' even though he is now MARRIED. Guess what his justification is ".......man my wife just doesn't get me....you're the only one who ever understood me.........come spend the weekend with me in H-town...." The way he looked at it was his wife wasn't doing it for him, so it was okay to steal away with another woman

IMO, what it all boils down to is Being unmarried definitely means that the woman is not obligated to STAY with the man, however, an agreed upon commitment is a commitment, plain and simple. If you want to date around and keep your options opened, don't agree to a committed relationship. If your man doesn't "understand" the meaning of the word, his dumb *** needs to be kicked to the curb

My final thoughts:
Uncommitted women and uncommitted men....keep your options open.

 

[klb120475]

that's my point.

let's keep it real.

if you have actively have someone on the side, then something is not all the way right with you and your man. i won't be convinced otherwise.

if you've been keeping a sidepiece for years now even though you and your man are now straight, then you've just gotten used to it.

i'm not perfect. i've had times where i had a "side piece" but it was always when thangs wasn't happy at home.

to say that its ok for women to have a piece until the ring comes along is baloney. if you don't know how to be committed in a relationship, you won't know how to be committed in a marriage. marriage doesn't magically make problems between 2 people go away, so to think that a ring on your finger will cause you to end things with your pieces............

a man can have a side piece, take her out, and all that good stuff using the justification ".........oh....well since me and you ain't married....." but let's be real a man will use ANY justification he can find that fits his situation. A cheatin' man is a cheatin' man. My friend's ex boyfriend still calls her and is trying desperately to get with her 'one mo gin' even though he is now MARRIED. Guess what his justification is ".......man my wife just doesn't get me....you're the only one who ever understood me.........come spend the weekend with me in H-town...." The way he looked at it was his wife wasn't doing it for him, so it was okay to steal away with another woman

IMO, what it all boils down to is Being unmarried definitely means that the woman is not obligated to STAY with the man, however, an agreed upon commitment is a commitment, plain and simple. If you want to date around and keep your options opened, don't agree to a committed relationship. If your man doesn't "understand" the meaning of the word, his dumb *** needs to be kicked to the curb

My final thoughts:
Uncommitted women and uncommitted men....keep your options open.

I agree with your whole post...especially the bolded.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

If I were in a relationship, I would not like the idea of my man having something "on the side," nor would I. However, I know that "until you are married, you are single," so I know that if I am not married to someone, as much as I want to, he is not my husband. However, I do not tolerate cheating if we have agreed to be exclusive, so I would dump him.

However, if I were not in a relationship, I feel completely free to date whomever I want, and no one can tell me differently!

Agreed! Additionally, the bolded relies solely on cultural context, within a culture that puts less value, especially religious on marriage what would be the difference between a committed non marriage and a marriage? Marriage is the contractual or official (in the eyes of the government and ones faith) aspect of long term commitment. Therefore, a mutually committed relationship holds the same value and is as equally binding to monogamy as a marriage. Marriage doesn't miraculously change people. Most people I know stay true to their nature/habits after marriage
Hopefully if my SO adheres to "you're single til' you're married" he'll give me a heads up. I don't want to have to cut him

Anyway, to answer the OP. I don't have man meat on the side, but I don't think there's anything wrong with dating multiple people as long as there isn't any deception involved. If it's more serious than dating than multiple partners isn't my thing. If a man is so lacking in one area that I need to supplement him with another man than what do I need him for? Might as well keep looking.

 

[cocoberry10]

there's nothing physical going on between me and...lets call him Mr. Biggs, but there has been activity in the past when we were both single (went to college together). All that ended when I told him that I wanted to be in a relationship w/my beau. My beau is amazing in almost every aspect, but what he lacks, Mr. Biggs has (and vice versa). I still wanted to remain friends with Mr. Biggs because he was great company, total gentlemen, and is nice to talk to (no pressure for marriage and kids like my beau). Whenever I go over to his place, we always just watch tv/movies together, and I might sleep over in the guest room.

i like the idea of diversifying my portfolio. why should i be so tied down at 23?

I haven't been back to this thread in a minute, but my question is to your bolded. Can your SO "get" what Mr. Biggs "has"? I mean, if so, I say don't risk your relationship. On the other hand, if the feelings for Mr. Biggs are so big (pun intended), then you owe it to your SO to tell him that you all need a break or whatever. Put yourself in your SO's shoes. How many threads have ladies on here started about cheating SO's and how damaged that made them! How would you feel if you found out your SO was dating you, but "wasn't really sure if he really wanted to be with someone else?" I'm not saying that when we date someone for sure we know he is the one. On the other hand, I do not want to be someone's "appetizer" if you know what I'm saying. I still keep to the "until you are married, you are single," belief, but I still believe in treating other human beings with respect...b/c that's the way I want to be treated! HTH!

 

[cocoberry10]

I'm not gonna lie, i think i have a problem with commitment. I feel like this is the first "serious" relationship I've been in, so I guess i'm a little bit fearful of uncharted territory. I love my man, we're best friends, but sometimes he's so controlling and wants way more than I want at this time in my life. That's why it's nice to have the other guy on the side who's not so serious to spend time with, who i've already decided I couldn't be in a relationship with. The biggest problem with me and my man is our 10 yr age difference- he's been there, he's done that, but i'm still learning.

Thank you all for your harshness! My friends might tell me that everything is all gravy, so its good to have a 3rd party as voice of reason to assist me with working out the kinks

Thank you for your honesty. I know that was difficult, so I commend you. However, I can't help but think there is a piece of you that secretly hopes to get back with Mr. Biggs, i.e. he sees you with this other man, gets jealous, wants you back, you all are just "side pieces," (that's what you tell yourself), but secretly you hope he comes to see how lucky he would be with you. That's the impression I'm starting to get. So, here in the words of Fabulous and T-Pain is my advice on that:

It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love
Don't lose someone you love though over your pride
Stick wit'cha entree and get over your side!​

 

[cocoberry10]

Hey Whipz:

Not attacking but....Then why even call him your boyfriend?Why not just continue to date, knowing in your mind that this guy is more special than the others (potentially he could become your Mister). And when the time comes for him to become your Mister, then you can call him your boyfriend/fiance/whatever.

I mean, I think dating is perfectly okay, but why even put someone in the place of being your boyfriend or girlfriend, if really you all are just dating? I just want to know (anyone can answer too)!

Holla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't live my life like a married person until I'm fully married with an official ring (or ring holder) and the marriage papers signed so that just in case he kicks the bucket I get the insurance and not bragging rights/memories of how good he was to me. I have myriad friend guys so its only normal for me to have a standby guy in times of crisis that understands my pending situation and to take me out with NSA.

Now I've never proposed to be an angel (and I'm not about to change to let yall know what angel/good girl I am only to reveal a couple months down the road that your man who you was so good to you went astray!!! "What should you do???") But I think if more women had these type of what I call Standby men who are platonic, at least until/if your situation ends, then there would be less women chasing after some of these men who don't want to be caught or led to water. With that said, its nice to have a standby guy because if you ever break up with your friend then you're tossed back into the processing of enjoying yourself until the next best thing comes along.

However, it seems that the longer I be in this current relationship, the more my standbys are dropping off the market and thats fine with me because the thing is that I'm friends with most of them and that will never change.

 

[p31woman]

cocoberry10...we are >>here<<

I just cant imagine that if a woman found out her boyfriend had a "side piece" that she would be fine with it?

IMO, I dont think a woman can care to much or trust her SO or DH to go out and have side items.

Not everyone can be my SO. Yes I can see what you ladies are saying if I'm dating around, but if I give a man that level of esteem to be my SO, you better believe this thang we have will only include the two of us.


How can you really give 100% to a WORTHWHILE and MEANINGFUL relationship if you got others on the side?

Sometimes I think women do stuff men do to beat them to the punch but as we all know, what some of these crazy men do isn't the best behavior to pick up. If my man cheats or has a side item, Im content leaving him, being secure that I did my part in making it work and have no blame as far as stepping out is concerned. I am a firm believer "You reap what you sow"

What woman wants to know that she is sharing her man? I sure as hell don't.

I'll be damned if my man is out getting mcdonalds and taco bell after I just fed him steak, potatoes, cheesecake and sweet tea and I know he feels the same way!!!!!!!

 

[omnipadme]

I'll be damned if my man is out getting mcdonalds and taco bell after I just fed him steak, potatoes, cheesecake and sweet tea and I know he feels the same way!!!!!!!

 

[Vinyl]

No... though I do have a certain friend who THINKS he's that man on the side.

 

[omnipadme]

Great points, but this leads me to something else: What defines cheating? I know everyone has their own definition of this, but I personally think cheating starts when the physical line is crossed. I in no way endorse being physical with more than one person at a time, unless one is comfortable with that (which i'm not). The kissing, the touching, the making love...cuddling on the couch after dinner, waking up to breakfast in bed- my man gets that and no one else. I don't think i'm cheating in any way with sidedish guy. We're friends with potential.

I love my beau and i'm committed to him, but we got back together with the hope that he was really going to try to work at the things that made me break up with him in the first place. Only when I see that he wasn't just bumpin gums does he get the 100%. I have things that I'm internally working on too, because he is definitely a keeper, but true commitment doesn't happen over night

 

[Reslnt1]

So, here in the words of Fabulous and T-Pain is my advice on that:

It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love
Don't lose someone you love though over your pride

Stick wit'cha entree and get over your side!​

this my joint!!!!!!

 

[Ladyhenri]

I Never do the 'man on the side thing'
If the relationship is worth it i put my all in it, if it isnt, i kick him out and date like 10 guys at a go, till one of the lot impresses me enough for me to settle with him.

 

[p31woman]

So, here in the words of Fabulous and T-Pain is my advice on that:

It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love
Don't lose someone you love though over your pride​

Stick wit'cha entree and get over your side!​

this my joint!!!!!!

I LIKE THAT!!!!!!! WHAT SONG? (havent listened to the radio much lately)

 

[cocoberry10]

I LIKE THAT!!!!!!! WHAT SONG? (havent listened to the radio much lately)

"Baby Don't Go" by Fabulous and T-Pain

 

[omnipadme]

I had a really great weekend that made me rethink alot of things. My man is so amazing and loves me unconditionally. He really is trying to right his wrongs. Since he's giving 100%, I need to do the same, and I can't do that with a sidedish distracting me. I'm still going to be friends with him, but no more hanging out. I even got a new tarot reading today ( i get a free weekly reading) and it was really on point:

Lotus Tarot [ http://lotustarot.com ]

Hi mary

Have you ever had a situation in your love life when you
were faced with a choice and found it really difficult to
know who to choose or what to do?? Perhaps you’re facing
such a dilemma at this moment in time?

THIS WEEK'S CARD: THE LOVERS



I thought I’d address this particular issue today, as so
many of our visitors here at Lotus are looking for guidance
from the Tarot in such a situation.

The Lovers card is the card to look out for in your
readings; it represents a time of choice and dilemma that
could have a significant impact on your life.

You may be faced with a choice between suitors or lovers,
or whether to stay in a relationship/marriage or leave, and
when it comes to affairs of the heart, knowing which is the
right choice can be very difficult indeed.

The Lovers card signifies intimate relationships and
physical attraction to another, and it’s also about
struggling with temptation and establishing who or what you
really care about.

The emotion and desire associated with this card is
powerful and represents deep love. Sometimes it may not
refer to intimate relationships but to a force that draws
two entities together - people, ideas, events or groups.

The Lovers signifies a tough decision and is symbolic of
the need to overcome temptation when at a crossroads in
your life. This card suggests a need to maintain a firm
belief in yourself, and trust that your own moral values
and principles will show you the right path, even when
intoxicating forces are tempting you to take the wrong one.

Maturity and integrity are needed, as temptation to opt for
the ‘easier’ or ‘most exciting’ option may lead to hurt and
disappointment. However, The Lovers card suggests that
sometimes in life, taking a risk can promise greater reward
in love.

You may feel trapped and unhappy in a loveless relationship
or marriage and want to leave, yet you fear taking the
risk. However, letting go of a relationship that brings no
pleasure allows you to be free to attract new love into
your life. This is a risk that could well bring you
greater love and joy.

The risk or temptation that may not always prove so
positive is indulging in a sexual affair when married or in
a committed relationship. It’s true that sometimes we fall
out of love with our spouse or partner and in love with
someone else, and such choices can lead to new and more
fulfilling relationships, but such temptation can often
lead to trouble. Only you can be the judge of whether your
choices are right for you.

That’s easier said than done you might say!!! Of course
you’re right! That’s why The Lovers card represents a
dilemma, a time of choice that could have a major impact on
your life.

So when this card comes up in your reading and you have a
significant choice to make, look to your heart and core
values to help guide you to the right decision.


Love and Joy,
Alison

 

[syze6]

I guess it depends on the people involved. if both parties are in agreement, than it's cool. If you're going to spend energy having a side dish, than the meal needs to be skipped. I don't do the side dish thing, because I would be mad as hell if someone did it to me! Most of the people who have side dishes would be hella mad also. I just don't believe in tying up someone's life, for my own selfish reasons. It doesn't matter where one lacks and the other makes up, it's really about selfishness and love has no room to dwell there. If I had to gamble with a side dish, I'd forgo the whole dating thing period!

 

[esoterica]

I'd rather have 1 whole man than two halves. I'd move on if i wasn't 100% fulfilled.

 

[aja1121]

I may get stoned for this but IMO women and men define relationship differently. A man can have a girlfriend and still keep his options open because she's not his wife..doesn't matter if ya'll live together been together for years or whatever. When given an opportunity I've heard many a man say "well I'm not married so....." Exclusive to SOME men is only an option once they get married and even then if an opportunity presents itself they'll act now and worry about being sorry later.

As women when we say that's my man I'm his girlfriend we think that because we've agreed to be monogamous and committed that he's gonna do the same and when we find out that he hasn't held up his end of the deal we are heartbroken and he's confused 'cause you are not his wife so he thinks you are supposed to just get over it.

I believe that lots of men keep women on the side. That's why when ya'll break up you find out that he didn't waste any time he's already got with so and so and she's big and pregnant or he up and marries some girl right after you break up and you wonder where she came from and when he met her.erplexed

Women have sat back forever and let men have all of the fun so why shouldn't an unmarried women keep her options open?

Yes.......this happens so much. I don't know if my man has a chick on the side or not, but he has many friends. I'm not from the area so there aren't many six degrees of separation scenarios. I used to snoop, but then I got over it. When he noticed I stopped caring, he accused me of cheating. He was so hurt........oh well. I did nothing.

 

[frostydoll]

This was a very insightful thread. Gave me a lot to think about thanks ladies!!!