DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

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This is why I feel so strongly about wearing my natural hair out for the world to see. That way anyone I'm involved with knows this is me and if they don't like it now they may as well keep it moving because I'm not relaxing or straightening for anyone.
 
mj11051 said:
Yes I would, if asked and gave his reasons I could respect that. When my hubby asked me to do or not to do something I'm very reasonable and I respect his opinion. But being told to make an make appointment to get a relaxer says to me that you view me as a child and you don't respect as an adult in this marriage.

Thank you for the kudos because marriage is a 24/7 job and it's not easy.

NOW do you forgive me for being RUDE:grin:
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Of course I forgive you. I didn't think much about it because around here, when we are passionate about something- we don't mind vocalizing it!! Thanks for apologizing nonetheless, I really appreaciate it and your opinion as well. I never thought about it that way until you clarified what you meant. I imagine if my DH had told me to go get my hair relaxed instead of being polite about it, I would have been like" :ban:- you no longer have the option to discuss this hair on my head!!!":lachen: I've helped him to understand that sometimes HOW you say something is just as important as WHAT you say.


I feel bad for OP. Looking at all the responses, she's probably more confused about the issue than when she started :grin:
 
I agree that marital status is the least to think about in this thread. There are many married women who never thought about going natural so for them to get yet another relaxer bc it pleases their husband is neither here nor there.

OP, as for his request, I would consider it. Sometimes in relationships, you do what is requested bc the very act (apart from the result) is pleasing to the person. The very fact that the person did it when you asked is pleasing. For that reason, I would make an appt at a salon on Friday and get my hair done. It would be a press, flat iron, whatever, but I would go. I agree with most posts about varying it up before going to a relaxer. Try to find a stylist to help you with natural hair. I have seen women with straight hair that looked BETTER than some women with relaxer in terms of shine and straightness.
 
asuperwoman said:
Of course I forgive you. I didn't think much about it because around here, when we are passionate about something- we don't mind vocalizing it!! Thanks for apologizing nonetheless, I really appreaciate it and your opinion as well. I never thought about it that way until you clarified what you meant. I imagine if my DH had told me to go get my hair relaxed instead of being polite about it, I would have been like" :ban:- you no longer have the option to discuss this hair on my head!!!":lachen: I've helped him to understand that sometimes HOW you say something is just as important as WHAT you say.


I feel bad for OP. Looking at all the responses, she's probably more confused about the issue than when she started :grin:
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I feel bad for her also, because it seems the only way to satisfy him is to relax and I would be very sad if my hubby felt that way.
 
I think a conversation should happen with DH BEFORE the transition. That stops any confusion from the get go.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like a BKT is the best option for now. You can continue to grow out your natural hair and DH gets to enjoy your straight hair. Once your hair gets longer you can see if he is more open to the long natural hair.
 
Bluetopia said:
can i just point out that the opinions on this topic vary amongst the married women too??? and that there isnt a universal married woman's opinion. :rolleyes:

the insinuation that some of the differences in opinions are linked to whether a woman is married or single doesn't feel right to me :nono:

just because someone isnt married doesnt take away their ability to empathize and have a valid opinion. and i think all the posters on this thread have shown that they are being thoughtful and honest (very honest) about their views.

and who is to say a single woman doesnt still have the benefit of being in successful, healthy long term relationship that she can speak from?

the generalization is just a faulty one IMO

to pull the single card on one person but then totally be open to the very same opinion being said by another poster just because she is married is off putting and subtley divisive.

i havent even stated how i stand on this issue (and probably wont)

but can we agree that EVERYONE's feelings are equally valid....

its a personal peeve of mine when folks marginalize others experiences.

even if that wasnt the intention (and i sincerely suspect it wasnt) thats still how it came off to me and im sure some others who rather not speak up.

as you were.......
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duly noted. My apologies if I offended the single ladies.....I loves ya'll too, I really do! :bighug:
 
I guess I think the way I do because for me when I feel strongly about something, I'm not going to give it up just because of someone else's shallow feelings.
If straightening/relaxing/texlaxing my hair would save my mans life (:lol:) then I would do it in a heartbeat.

but... to do it just because he doesn't like the style? :huh:

Having natural hair is important to me. Deeper than just a hairstyle. Many women regardless of hairtype have a very deep emotional attachment to their hair.

I'm just saying don't give it all up because of someone else's whims.

IF it is important to you, then he needs to understand that. If he loves you, he will accept it because he cares and understands how deeply you feel about it.

The argument comes because the reasons behind being natural and how attached we are to our hair are SO varied.

Do what feels right for YOU. Not for him. because YOU have to live with it on a day to day basis. I would be miserable if I relaxed again, but maybe you won't be. It's a personal choice.


 
Ronnieaj said:
Dlove,

DO NOT get a relaxer if you will resent him for it. That will only further exacerbate this issue. You need to sit down and have a REAL discussion with him about what you are doing and why, and what alternatives there are that will keep BOTH of you happy. I'm not married, and I don't want to hear from married women about how my perspective's off. I'm a divorce attorney, and I hear this every doggone day, so I think I've got a lot of perspective. If this is that serious, you both need to go to counseling, marital and separate. Otherwise this issue will not resolve itself. Best of luck to you hon.
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What??!!:ohwell:
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I find this condescending.

Because you're assuming that I didn't read the entire thing before responding which leads me to your question.



I was really trying to avoid addressing that part of her rant because it drives home the point that partnership is not the right word to describe how they relate to each other.
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We don't tell each other what we can or can't do. We respect each other as adults, so when I told him I going all natural, he said okay. I didn't feel the need to get his permission to change my hair as I don't feel the need to give him my permission to cut his hair or beard.
 
Neith said:
I guess I think the way I do because for me when I feel strongly about something, I'm not going to give it up just because of someone else's shallow feelings.
If straightening/relaxing/texlaxing my hair would save my mans life (:lol:) then I would do it in a heartbeat.

but... to do it just because he doesn't like the style? :huh:

Having natural hair is important to me. Deeper than just a hairstyle. Many women regardless of hairtype have a very deep emotional attachment to their hair.

I'm just saying don't give it all up because of someone else's whims.

IF it is important to you, then he needs to understand that. If he loves you, he will accept it because he cares and understands how deeply you feel about it.

The argument comes because the reasons behind being natural and how attached we are to our hair are SO varied.

Do what feels right for YOU. Not for him. because YOU have to live with it on a day to day basis. I would be miserable if I relaxed again, but maybe you won't be. It's a personal choice.
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just curious- is this how it goes in your marriage? Especially in reference to the 2nd bolded. Don't answer if you find the question offensive.
 
asuperwoman said:
This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.


eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.
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Are you kidding me......since when did the way a that a woman styles her hair fall under wifely duties..........that sounds like slave mentality to me.....
and yes I am happily married, however my husband respects me enough as his wife not to oppose his opinion when it comes to my own personal style.....and if a hair style is going to cause issues between you and your husband there is a much BIGGER picture that needs to be addressed. period and end of story!
 
I think this is one of those threads you don't want to reply to because of potential drama... That being said, OP, I'm very sorry that you're having to go through this. And something I think a lot of responders, even though I'm sure it was with good intent, are missing...is the fact that what he said wasn't a request, or a simple expression of opinion...but a -demand.- I don't feel that someone has to be married to recognize that there are better ways to go about this situation.

I feel you should definitely reassess what you want, and what your DH wants, and go from there. There are two sides to every story, and there may be more there than we know simply because we're not directly involved. Talk it out with him, try to compromise, and go from there. There were a lot of good suggestions on that in this thread. Best of luck to you, lady. <3
 
asuperwoman said:
just curious- is this how it goes in your marriage? Especially in reference to the 2nd bolded. Don't answer if you find the question offensive.
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I don't agree with that post either but anyway!!

What if the man put on 150 pounds but didn't care as that was what he liked and it was his body. You still want your partner to be attracted to you don’t you? I think you have to take your partners feeling into account, it's not about losing face, yourself or control it's about compromise
 
kanjail said:
Are you kidding me......since when did the way a that a woman styles her hair fall under wifely duties..........that sounds like slave mentality to me.....
and yes I am happily married, however my husband respects me enough as his wife not to oppose his opinion when it comes to my own personal style.....and if a hair style is going to cause issues between you and your husband there is a much BIGGER picture that needs to be addressed. period and end of story!
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We're all entitled to our opinions. For the record: a hairstyle has never caused issues between me and mine, but I do take his opinion into consideration on even the simplest things like hairstyle. If he doesn't like a certain hairstyle, I don't wear it. Not because I have to, because I choose to. Before we got married, I wore whatever I wanted to. When we got married, because I respect my husband's desires- I chose not to rock the mini-skirts anymore (at least not in public :) ). He does the same things in regards to me-- That works for me and my dh. But to each his own and Much respect for what works for you and yours.
 
butterfly_wings said:
I don't agree with that post either but anyway!!

What if the man put on 150 pounds but didn't care as that was what he liked and it was his body. You still want your partner to be attracted to you don’t you? I think you have to take your partners feeling into account, it's not about losing face, yourself or control it's about compromise
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:lachen::lachen: That had me laughing. And, Im ITA with everything you said.
 
It may seem easy to judge by reading OP’s post but we as members weren’t there and things often get misunderstood when written down. It may have sounded like a demand when written down but that might not have been how it sounded in the conversation and he might not have meant it like that.
 
Hubby needs a smack. What do you think you are going to do?
No I haven't been in your shoes but I'm sure many women are. Tough spot.
 
asuperwoman said:
just curious- is this how it goes in your marriage? Especially in reference to the 2nd bolded. Don't answer if you find the question offensive.
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We're not married, but we have lived together for over 2 years.

When it comes to my hair... yes!

I will do what is going to keep me healthy/happy even if he doesn't approve 100%. For example, he had a fit of sorts about my BC. :lol: but you know what? I was not for one second scared that he would stray because of it. Hair can't come between us. Not in any real way, it's superficial.

Of course, all situations aren't handled in in same way. This is just talking about hair.

He has personal things (including his appearance) that I have no "real" say in either.

I can think of MANY different things that I seriously consider HIS feelings about and we do A LOT of compromising and discussions. You have to in such a relationship! We respect each other as individuals and equals. I love him to death.
 
asuperwoman said:
duly noted. My apologies if I offended the single ladies.....I loves ya'll too, I really do! :bighug:
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no worries hun!

i could tell you didn't mean any offense. it's just that soon thereafter the "don't listen to anyone who dont have a man" stuff started and thats rang unfair to me.

no one group of people has the manopoly on good judgement.

The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus :lachen:(did anyone else peep that :look:)

while folks are debating granular points..... the board as a whole seems to say that

1. a happy home is important

2. OP should have a open conversation with dh that involves finding a solution that works for them both

3. approach is key and he should check himself before demanding anything of a grown woman (whether she be his wife or not)

4. before she even worries about him OP needs to assess how she even feels about her own hair because she doesnt even seem sold on it herself.

5. and if she does want to be natural her lack of swag, shrinkage, and choice of styles may be the culprit of her man's dismay moreso than the fact that she doesnt have a relaxer (and lets be real...to be natural in this society and look good doing it: swag is a must)

i actually think that is all great advice. which is why i had nothing more to add :yep:
 
Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.

Interesting topic.
 
butterfly_wings said:
I don't agree with that post either but anyway!!

What if the man put on 150 pounds but didn't care as that was what he liked and it was his body. You still want your partner to be attracted to you don’t you? I think you have to take your partners feeling into account, it's not about losing face, yourself or control it's about compromise
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It's not the same though.

I doubt anyone WANTS to gain 150 pounds or keep it on. :perplexed

but some people REALLY want to just simply wear their natural texture.

Would you become a blonde because your hubby likes blondes? Or get a bunch of blonde highlights to compromise?

Some people would do it, I'm sure.

Other people would totally be against it for GOOD reason (damage/breakage/etc..)
 
FluffyRed said:
When I did the big chop in 2005, my mother and sister both were ragging on me about how nappy it was and fast forward 18 months, they were both naptural - and still are. Tastes evolve.

And some people feel relaxers are extremely unhealthy for the scalp and hair. He's wrong to be making demands like that on you. He has the right to tell you his opinion (when asked) but it stops there. It's your body.
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I agree with you , and to add a little, he has to respect your feeling as well , this is your hair you are an adult , and you should voice your concerns. No one should make you do anything that you dont want. Yes you are mairried but you still have you on mind . And you are 40 years old I would not entertain his comment, don't relax. One thing I would do for me ,where wigs or briads I just like to chaged my styles. Don't stress out over this stand strong and speak you mind in a respectful way to husband.
 
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