msa
New Member
MSA!!! This is the first time i'm seeing your siggy. Your hair is beautiful!
Thanks lady! I need some of your afro puffs though.
DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...
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Thanks lady! I need some of your afro puffs though.
caribgirl
Well-Known Member
Agreeing with all the comments about finding a happy medium as well.
Marriage is a compromise and I value my Dh's opinion. I know that I can let Dh know in a sec when he needs to take off a shirt or suit that I don't like or even change barbers
. Ok, so he seems extreme with pressing OP to make a hair appt ASAP but like others have said he just knows of relaxers and not of other ways to get hair as such.
No matter how we go back and forth about her dh's "strong" opinion, it's her marriage and a happy home wins out hair any day of the week. OP, I hope that you can come up with a solution so that you BOTH will be satisfied!
Marriage is a compromise and I value my Dh's opinion. I know that I can let Dh know in a sec when he needs to take off a shirt or suit that I don't like or even change barbers
. Ok, so he seems extreme with pressing OP to make a hair appt ASAP but like others have said he just knows of relaxers and not of other ways to get hair as such. No matter how we go back and forth about her dh's "strong" opinion, it's her marriage and a happy home wins out hair any day of the week. OP, I hope that you can come up with a solution so that you BOTH will be satisfied!
Junebug D
Well-Known Member
The thing is the OP doesn't even seem totally sold on her natural hair herself. 
erplexed
If she herself seems to be unsure, then i think it's a situation where there can be a happy medium for both of them. If the hair thing is becoming a big issue in their relationship, then I don't think straightening or BKT can or should be ruled out completely. It's nothing to do with being "weak-minded"; it's about not letting something that's not even of severe consequence cause problems in a MARRIAGE.
But either way, it's up to her to sell him the idea. I don't think she should just give him the finger and ignore him. Talk about it, try to sell him the idea of natural hair, get him to like it. If all that fails, then maybe she should look into straightening or other options like BKT (and then make him pay for the BKT or the FHI! He may change his mind when he sees the prices!) Don't prolong or worsen unnecessary strife in a marriage that I assume is otherwise happy over hair.
erplexed If she herself seems to be unsure, then i think it's a situation where there can be a happy medium for both of them. If the hair thing is becoming a big issue in their relationship, then I don't think straightening or BKT can or should be ruled out completely. It's nothing to do with being "weak-minded"; it's about not letting something that's not even of severe consequence cause problems in a MARRIAGE.
But either way, it's up to her to sell him the idea. I don't think she should just give him the finger and ignore him. Talk about it, try to sell him the idea of natural hair, get him to like it. If all that fails, then maybe she should look into straightening or other options like BKT (and then make him pay for the BKT or the FHI! He may change his mind when he sees the prices!) Don't prolong or worsen unnecessary strife in a marriage that I assume is otherwise happy over hair.
As have I. But none of them was my spouse when I was a 40-something year old woman and none of them was demanding that I change my appearance. And no one will come to see it as just another way to wear hair as long as we are intimidated out of wearing it. If it's not a job related concern, that affects your livelihood, he would just have to get over it.
This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.
Does a married black woman have no control over even her own appearance? What can she control?
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Aggie
Well-Known Member
Personally I would do what my husband wants because I would have to live with him for the rest of my life but not before I let him know what my reasons are for becoming natural in the first place. Perhaps if you can dig up some statistics on the long-term negative effects of relaxing hair and tactfully present them to him in a way he might understand, that might help.
Also, discuss some compromising options that he might be okay with. You'll never know until you try. But be prepared if he still doesn't quite see it your way. He may present compelling arguments of his own as well - so be prepared.
I believe that a woman should always try to please her husband and vice versa in order to have an amicable long-term marriage and this is done primarily through deep discussions. Men are visual creatures and I would want my husband to not only love me but be turned on by my physical appearance as well when he looks at me. I wouldn't want him to be turned off by me in any way.
Why should I be the cause of him looking elsewhere for what he considers in his mind as beautiful and "polished". This may not be the case mind you, but it's unbelieveable what some of the things are that turn men off.
Allow me to give an example. If I marry a man that kept his hair short and neatly trimmed, his beard immaculate, his nails trimmed nice and neat, then all of a sudden he decides to grow his hair long and start braiding it, he stops keeping his beard nice and trimmed and nails grows longer than mine, then of course I will have a problem with this shift in his physical appearance. This may be okay for some women, but it is not for me.
I know that many might say, concentrating on just the physical is shallow, but believe it or not it is the entire package involved here because our physical appearance affects our brains too. Do we want to be appealing to the eyes of the object of our affections or not? The answer to this question varies from person to person in varying degrees.
I know that I would want to please my husband even if I just discuss texlaxing my hair and see if he is okay with that look on me. There are too many divorces going on in the world right now because we as individuals do not want to compromise a little of ourselves in a meaningful relationship.
OP, Ask yourself the question, how important is my marraige to me versus how important is keeping my natural hair? What do you value the most? This should be easy to answer depending on what your relationship with your husband is like. I encourage you to be objective and base your decision on the answer that carries the most weight for you.
Also, discuss some compromising options that he might be okay with. You'll never know until you try. But be prepared if he still doesn't quite see it your way. He may present compelling arguments of his own as well - so be prepared.
I believe that a woman should always try to please her husband and vice versa in order to have an amicable long-term marriage and this is done primarily through deep discussions. Men are visual creatures and I would want my husband to not only love me but be turned on by my physical appearance as well when he looks at me. I wouldn't want him to be turned off by me in any way.
Why should I be the cause of him looking elsewhere for what he considers in his mind as beautiful and "polished". This may not be the case mind you, but it's unbelieveable what some of the things are that turn men off.
Allow me to give an example. If I marry a man that kept his hair short and neatly trimmed, his beard immaculate, his nails trimmed nice and neat, then all of a sudden he decides to grow his hair long and start braiding it, he stops keeping his beard nice and trimmed and nails grows longer than mine, then of course I will have a problem with this shift in his physical appearance. This may be okay for some women, but it is not for me.
I know that many might say, concentrating on just the physical is shallow, but believe it or not it is the entire package involved here because our physical appearance affects our brains too. Do we want to be appealing to the eyes of the object of our affections or not? The answer to this question varies from person to person in varying degrees.
I know that I would want to please my husband even if I just discuss texlaxing my hair and see if he is okay with that look on me. There are too many divorces going on in the world right now because we as individuals do not want to compromise a little of ourselves in a meaningful relationship.
OP, Ask yourself the question, how important is my marraige to me versus how important is keeping my natural hair? What do you value the most? This should be easy to answer depending on what your relationship with your husband is like. I encourage you to be objective and base your decision on the answer that carries the most weight for you.
Americka
Well-Known Member
msa
New Member
Stop speculating, sis.
I just meant in general.
I'm not married but ummm yeah. That's an either/or that just seems ridiculous.
Neith
New Member
As for the bolded... if you are afraid to LOSE a man to a hairstyle, the relationship is not worth saving imo.
I don't know if that's where it's going for the OP, but I assumed this was just a fight and not something that would truly put the marriage in danger. I hope so!
As for your example...
Someone wearing their natural hair and taking good care of it is NOT equal to someone "letting themselves go". A man with a big bushy beard and abnormally long fingernails is strange looking by any standards.
Wearing healthy natural hair isn't like becoming lazy with your hygeine.
Ladybelle
New Member
It's really not that complicated,
men want their wives to look good. What looks good varies from man to man but in this case, this man likes the "relaxed" look better on HIS wife.
Sure their marriage may not be doomed to hell if she chooses to stay natural, but if she cares about her husbands like & dislikes as any wife should- then she should consider his desires. What's wrong with that?
Some women act like it's insanity to cater to their husbands, I respectfully disagree with that sentiment. And would argue the weak willed are those who are too selfish to give up their wills for the sake of someone else's.
That's just my opinion though and please take it as such.
Ladybelle
New Member
caribgirl
Well-Known Member
I just meant in general.
I'm not married but ummm yeah. That's an either/or that just seems ridiculous.
I was so proud of you-- pages back in this thread.But seriously, marriage is no easy walk- compromising and communication is so important. I hope that OP and her hubby can accomplish this with this issue.
Neith
New Member
Thank you! A grown woman having to wear her hair the way someone else likes it?
I am in a WONDERFUL, respectful relationship of 2.5 years. I can count the number of fights we've had on one hand.
You don't have to submit to someone to be loved. He should respect you and FEEL LUCKY to have your love and appreciate you just how you are.
Not to say that he should have no input, but you shouldn't have to make any life altering/drastic decsisions about your appearance to make him happy.
Wear a certain dress more often? Sure! Wear the make up he likes, wear the perfume he likes, wear my hair up/down more often because he likes it? Great!
Bathe my hair and scalp in chemicals that will forever change my hair texture?
Use heated instruments that may damage/alter my hair's texture permanently? Nope. Why should anyone HAVE to do that?
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msa
New Member
As I said earlier, I do agree with you to a certain extent. When you're married you should take your husband's views into account. I just don't think relaxing is the answer in this situation.
I agree.
But seriously, marriage is no easy walk- compromising and communication is so important. I hope that OP and her hubby can accomplish this with this issue.
LOL.
I really wasn't commenting on OP's marriage (OP I hope you didn't take it that way because I don't know anything about you and your business so I wouldn't make that assumption).
It's just that people are making it seem like it's either a happy marriage or having natural hair. If my spouse made it that serious then I'd really have to rethink some things.
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
I don't think the dichotomy is that severe..at least with the OP.
I think your husband is just being honest and has his right to express his opinion of how he views you to be most attractive. Like Aggies example, if I'm used to and love my man having a sharp ceasar and he starts growing Damien Marley dreds, I would have issues. I would still love him, but I know myself and I would make comments about his looks.
Would I expect him to run for the scissors and cut off his locks..no. But I would expect him to take my opinion into account. I don't think it's so superficial to want your mate to look a certain way.
Should it really make a difference, though?
Does the principle of respecting the woman not matter inside a marriage?
My (ex)husband tried to make silly demands of me, too. But then he was an abusive control freak, before and after the wedding. Still, we both accepted and adjusted to the physical changes we went through over the course of our marriage. (we still got it in, and physical appearance was not an issue)
What are men supposed to compromise on?
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Aggie
Well-Known Member
As for the bolded... if you are afraid to LOSE a man to a hairstyle, the relationship is not worth saving imo.
I don't know if that's where it's going for the OP, but I assumed this was just a fight and not something that would truly put the marriage in danger. I hope so!
As for your example...
Someone wearing their natural hair and taking good care of it is NOT equal to someone "letting themselves go". A man with a big bushy beard and abnormally long fingernails is strange looking by any standards.
Wearing healthy natural hair isn't like becoming lazy with your hygeine.
With all due respect, I disagree. I love you, but I disagree. I am very willing to change my hair to suit my husbands likes. If that's what it takes to keep my vows not only to him but to God, then that's what I'll do. This in my mind is a very small change to make and I see nothing wrong or demeaning to me as a woman with it. I would then take the matter to God in prayer and ask that HE change my husband's mind. In time, I truly believe that my husband's eyes would be opened so to speak and he will see things from a different perspective as long as I remember to put the matter in God's hands and let HIM take care of thr resulting events from there.
I said nothing about anyone letting themselves go or "bushy" beards or "abnormally long" nails or even problems with "hygiene". Where did all that come from? You totally misread my post. These are your embellished thoughts and words and not mine. Some men think it's acceptable to wear clean waist length hair, long clean beards and nails. I have seen it and mind you, these men do not look bad, it's just not a preference for me personally.
I am not here to attack anyone's thoughts as you have done mine, just to simply voice my thoughts as have every lady that posted in here has done. The OP will do what she feels is right for her and her marraige no matter what we say. So why the attack
erplexed?
Ladybelle
New Member
@ The bolded- Of course! Yeah, it matters, but it sometimes seems women who are unmarried will give insight as such: a single woman. The mindset does change with marriage, or it should. When it comes to maritial issues- the input of a happily married woman vs a single woman will often differ. I don't know why that is, but it is. Furthermore, I don't see him wanting her to relax her hair as disrespectful. He was honest and such, some of us complain about our husband's communicating with us but then when they are honest with us about certain topics, we take offense.
What men compromise on, varies from marriage to marriage. So, I can't give you a general answer on that one. My husband doesn't shave all of his hair off - because of my preference. I wouldn't divorce him over a haircut, but he takes my likes into account when he goes to the barbership. Although a "brush cut" is easier for him to maintain, he doesn't do it because he knows how much I like his 3b hair.... there are other things too but this is one example I can think of when it comes to looks.
BroadstreetBully
New Member
If your DH met you with straight hair, of course it will be hard for him to get used to short natural hair.
The main complaint I hear from black men in regards to natural hair is the length. You said your hair shrinks down to a 2 inch fro. I'm sorry but many men aren't feeling that look. It's unfortunate but that's how it is.
I bet once your hair gets longer he'll love it. Until then, it's about compromise. You can either try maintaining straight styles some of the time, look into BKT, try wigging/weaving it up, or maybe texlax. Marriage is about compromise NOT someone getting their way. You have to meet him halfway and he needs to do the same.
The main complaint I hear from black men in regards to natural hair is the length. You said your hair shrinks down to a 2 inch fro. I'm sorry but many men aren't feeling that look. It's unfortunate but that's how it is.
I bet once your hair gets longer he'll love it. Until then, it's about compromise. You can either try maintaining straight styles some of the time, look into BKT, try wigging/weaving it up, or maybe texlax. Marriage is about compromise NOT someone getting their way. You have to meet him halfway and he needs to do the same.
It's nothing wrong with catering to your hubby because believe I cater to mine everyday. However when it comes to him telling how to walk, talk, dress and wear my hair that's another thing. I love my hubby with all my heart but we would have a problem if he asked to relax my hair to satisfy him, is he thinking about me? Or is it all about him? We would have to compromise. Hubby and I have been together for 16 yrs and married 12. So I was relaxed when he met me, but I changed because that's the way life goes, we all grow and change. Sorry didn't mean to be rude to you forgive me. I just hate this I should changed my hair because he doesn't like thingy.
tailormade84
New Member
i am in your shoes and i have learned DH issue is not my hair, but rather how i keep my hair. he is not a fan of the fro.
As long as i keep it styles nicely(cornrows in a design, small twists), he is appeased. if a nice style wont do, then try pressing it.
As long as i keep it styles nicely(cornrows in a design, small twists), he is appeased. if a nice style wont do, then try pressing it.
jennboo
Well-Known Member
You know, the bolded is where i agree with you. As i stated before in a previous post, i can't really be mad at a a man for preferring his wife's looks the way they met. He liked relaxed hair, he sought out a woman with relaxed hair, and now she is switching it up.
I think the issue is whether or not the wife likes it. It honestly seems as though the OP isnt all that happy with her natural hair. In a case like this, where the wife seems open to the idea bc of her own reticence about remaining natural, she should just relax it so that the both of them can be happy.
But all bets are off if she is truly happy, loves her natural hair, and does NOT want to chemically alter it. Then the husband needs to "just get over it".
Taina
Well-Known Member
I'm really sorry to hear that.
It is too much to take this opinion in the society and know have to accept that in your house. But he is you husband and you are the one that know how to talk to him, and by explaining why you become, and why you want to stay natural, try to make him accept you hair the way you have it and the way you want to keep it,
I'm married too, and my problem with my husband is that he likes long relaxed hair, now i'm 1.5 inches natural and he cutted my hair, you will ask how he changed his mind? Well he did not, but i talked to him, explaining how i felt and how i wanna have my natural hair, i showed him all the hair that was falling out of my hair and he understood because he wants me to be happy, and i tild him i will do it, because i want him to be involve in my desitions, because it is MY hair, but i'm HIS wife and WE are a TEAM.
Honey if your DH loves you he will understand why you want to have natural hair, just explain to him, you have to talk each other, no one have to obbey the other one, you both have to compromise and find a solution that can fits both of you.
Good luck
It is too much to take this opinion in the society and know have to accept that in your house. But he is you husband and you are the one that know how to talk to him, and by explaining why you become, and why you want to stay natural, try to make him accept you hair the way you have it and the way you want to keep it,
I'm married too, and my problem with my husband is that he likes long relaxed hair, now i'm 1.5 inches natural and he cutted my hair, you will ask how he changed his mind? Well he did not, but i talked to him, explaining how i felt and how i wanna have my natural hair, i showed him all the hair that was falling out of my hair and he understood because he wants me to be happy, and i tild him i will do it, because i want him to be involve in my desitions, because it is MY hair, but i'm HIS wife and WE are a TEAM.
Honey if your DH loves you he will understand why you want to have natural hair, just explain to him, you have to talk each other, no one have to obbey the other one, you both have to compromise and find a solution that can fits both of you.
Good luck
Catering to your spouse and having your spouse dictate something to you are two different things.
If he had said, "i like your hair when it looks like ... " or "I think it looks sexy when you... " that would have been a different matter.
He insulted the hair God gave her and told her to make an appointment.
Or, maybe I'm just reading too much into how OP worded it.
BroadstreetBully
New Member
Also, have you maybe showed your DH examples of how long natural hair can look? Have you explained that it's for length and health?
Ladybelle
New Member
It's nothing wrong with catering to your hubby because believe I cater to mine everyday. However when it comes to him telling how to walk, talk, dress and wear my hair that's another thing. I love my hubby with all my heart but we would have a problem if he asked to relax my hair to satisfy him, is he thinking about me? Or is it all about him? We would have to compromise. Hubby and I have been together for 16 yrs and married 12. So I was relaxed when he met me, but I changed because that's the way life goes, we all grow and change. Sorry didn't mean to be rude to you forgive me. I just hate this I should changed my hair because he doesn't like thingy.
I understand and it makes perfect sense. If he had asked her rather than told her, would you feel different about it?
And Kudos to being married for 12 years. That's an accomplishment!!!
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