DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[hopeful]

((((hugs)))) to the OP. For years my husband kinda winced whenever I mentioned going natural. Finally one day I had no choice as the relaxer had practically set my nape on fire and I had to go to the doctor for my inflamed, itchy, sore scalp. One night I told him I think I need to go natural and cut it all off. He said you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think he liked it initially but he still loved me and was attracted to me.

Anyway, when I went back to relaxing last summer he was disappointed, he said he was surprised himself at how much he had grown to love my natural hair. Men are funny about hair and I want to please my husband, but I tell you I fell a little more deeply in love with him when I realized how much he loved "me", natural, relaxed, transitioning, whatever style he really loves "me" the real me. To me that is what true love is.

I'll be back to natural soon and it feels so good to know that no matter what he will have my back.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

((((hugs)))) to the OP. For years my husband kinda winced whenever I mentioned going natural. Finally one day I had no choice as the relaxer had practically set my nape on fire and I had to go to the doctor for my inflamed, itchy, sore scalp. One night I told him I think I need to go natural and cut it all off. He said you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think he liked it initially but he still loved me and was attracted to me.

Anyway, when I went back to relaxing last summer he was disappointed, he said he was surprised himself at how much he had grown to love my natural hair. Men are funny about hair and I want to please my husband, but I tell you I fell a little more deeply in love with him when I realized how much he loved "me", natural, relaxed, transitioning, whatever style he really loves "me" the real me. To me that is what true love is.

I'll be back to natural soon and it feels so good to know that no matter what he will have my back.

And THIS is how a husband should be.

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

I agree. I think this is the real question. Is it really about style or about DH inability to accept your natural hair texture?

I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals. Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?

Women of all kinds like something on their body better in one way or another. Women and men of all kinds have things about their bodies that they like the way it is or different from the way it is...EVERYONE has things about themselves that they'd like to change - whether it's permanent or temporary. EVERYONE enjoys the ability to style themselves if they prefer something different.

My "God-given" hair isn't twist-out texture nor is it "picked out" texture...it isn't all laid down and groomed...it's a big, coily fro that swells and grows tremendously and would happily lock if I let it. However, I prefer for my hair to be styled a bit, so I use shea butters, KCCC, brushes, combs, headbands, and all sorts of concoctions. However, that is not my "God-given hair". I style it because I prefer that it looks the way it does when it's styled. Preferring that your hair be relaxed, braided, twisted, locked whatever, is no different. None of those are our "God-given hair", but rather things we do with our own hair to manipulate and style it in a certain way that we prefer.

It doesn't matter if something is God-given or not...we all have preferences for ourselves and certain ways we LIKE to be styled or groomed. My hair is no different from that and doesn't warrant psycho-analysis. (Not saying you're doing this...I'm just saying that this is what tends to happen among natural forums that I've been to.)

My pride in myself as a woman of African descent has very little to do with my hair and how I style it...and more to do with my contributions to my (many) people in empowering them.

I'm sorry if I sound as if I'm going off subject here. However, I do think that we tend to be very intolerant among each other, imply things, and make assumptions about each others' motives or sense of pride and identity when it's not warranted.

I as a woman of African descent have every right to prefer my hair in one way or another...just as much as any "other woman" is granted that right and flexibility.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.

who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?

who are YOU to assume what experiences in maintaining a healthy, long term, give-and-take relationship the women on this board have whether they be married or not?

and to make your statement even more ill conceived the hilarious thing is....MANY of the women who are disagreeing with each other are married women debating with other married women. so its not even like you are illuminating any valid source behind people's difference of opinions.

the most functional couple i know has been together for over a decade and isnt married but does wonderfully at making sure each others needs are met. id love to hear her take on this issue

but according to you...her opinion wouldnt count because being married is the be-all and end-all for knowing anything about positive interpersonal relationships

right?

how incredibly unfair and close minded of you.

i pray that anyone on this board who ever seeks to give you their sincere opinion meets your standards of worthiness before having the misfortune of being dismissed so unjustly.

I can't believe I stood up, clapped AND cheered at this post! You said everything I was thinking!

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

Anyway, when I went back to relaxing last summer he was disappointed, he said he was surprised himself at how much he had grown to love my natural hair. Men are funny about hair and I want to please my husband, but I tell you I fell a little more deeply in love with him when I realized how much he loved "me", natural, relaxed, transitioning, whatever style he really loves "me" the real me. To me that is what true love is.

This is very beautiful...it's a great feeling to be loved and appreciated for your essence.

 

[Duff]

WOW!!! this thread....no wonder dlove has not been back in it

 

[PeaceFlow]

Her husband doesn't love her now apparently because he likes a certain hairstyle

 

[MizzBrown]

i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.

who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?

who are YOU to assume what experiences in maintaining a healthy, long term, give-and-take relationship the women on this board have whether they be married or not?

and to make your statement even more ill conceived the hilarious thing is....MANY of the women who are disagreeing with each other are married women debating with other married women. so its not even like you are illuminating any valid source behind people's difference of opinions.

the most functional couple i know has been together for over a decade and isnt married but does wonderfully at making sure each others needs are met. id love to hear her take on this issue

but according to you...her opinion wouldnt count because being married is the be-all and end-all for knowing anything about positive interpersonal relationships

right?

how incredibly unfair and close minded of you.

i pray that anyone on this board who ever seeks to give you their sincere opinion meets your standards of worthiness before having the misfortune of being dismissed so unjustly.

Quoted again for more emphasis..

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

Wearing healthy natural hair isn't like becoming lazy with your hygeine.

i had to comment on this. you are absolutely right. folks tend to overlook the fact that the majority of people in this world rock their natural texture. it only becomes a problem (dirty, ugly, lazy, unkempt) when a black female with tightly coiled texture starts to wear hers. thats a damn shame. ​

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.

Interesting topic.

The relationship forum is full of them.

The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus (did anyone else peep that )

Girl, you know how we do. If something can be argued within an inch of it's life, it's going to be.

 

[tocktick]

Yaya's hair (I have no idea if she does braid/twist outs or not) is in an updo, so I don't quite consider this the same thing. Her updo looks mature and elegant.

At my place of work (a very blue-blood, Kennedys sort of environment), the farther my hair is from my scalp, the more likely I am to be called out on it for not looking "credible". This has been the same for women in our company who are straight/curly/or coily (regardless of the color). My boss wears a curly fro but it's very short (maybe 1 to 1.5 inches) and close to her scalp. She looks mature and "credible".

To be fair, the same rule has been applied to men in our company, regardless of their skintype or racial makeup (I have seen first hand when Caucasian employees were "called into the office" and told to "do something" with their hair or cut it.

I wear my hair in braids, but I wear buns, etc. that give a more mature look. A high ponytail, whether you're straight, curly, or coily would be considered too youthful where I work. This also applies to a "puff" which is a take on the high ponytail.

There is no denying that our perception of what is mature, youthful or credible is very dependent on the style.

If I walked in to work with Victoria's Secret hair, they would definitely pull me to the side and tell me to "do something with it". By that same token, if I were to walk into work with my coilies "out" (which is the same as "vicky's secret hair...just coily), they would equally call me to the said and tell me to do something with it/style it in a way that makes me look mature and credible.

I think this is something that is not discussed enough.

What do you mean by the bold...not quite the same thing as what? Please clarify as I'm genuinely confused on that part of your post.

I do believe long and healthy straight hair (that isn't tied back) will be viewed as more professional (or groomed) etc than afro hair with the same attributes in most minds. Yet it is really only in the working world where one may have to pander to those values. One can choose not to carry that faulty corporate work mentality into their own lives outside the workplace.

Yes, I agree with the red. I believe I said as much in my first post. What I disagreed with was the insinuation that puffs, twistouts etc were innately childish hair styles. Imo, there are many styling options for the aforementioned, so I didn't see how they could be automatically labelled as childish or young. You can go from having a "wild" TO to pinning them up and looking elegant like YaYa. The options are there if one chooses to explore them, imo. I also believe no matter your hair texture, the rest of the package (make-up, jewllery, clothing etc) has a bigger impact on the image you project. If Yaya had been dressed down, her hair would probably not be enough to make her look elegant.

 

[sheba1]

What about other protective styles that allow you to remain natural? braided updos, micros, wigs, etc? I was natural for many years before anyone saw my natural hair. No particular reason, I just didn't know a lot about styling my own hair and kept it mostly hidden. The length was so unimportant to me that I eventually BC'd it because micros cost me so much extra because of all the length. Man, I wish I had found lhcf before I did that! oh well.... we live and learn. Just see if there's something else you can do as it gets long long long. His tune my change once it's longer. Besides all that PS will allow you to grow and care for your natural tresses without having to deal too much with the dreaded single stranded knot.

Good luck to you, OP.

 

[Ramya]

i had to comment on this. you are absolutely right. folks tend to overlook the fact that the majority of people in this world rock their natural texture. it only becomes a problem (dirty, ugly, lazy, unkempt) when a black female with tightly coiled texture starts to wear hers. thats a damn shame. ​

I think there's more to it than this. What I've noticed about some of the other naturals (in real life) is that they don't take the time or effort to get their hair shaped to fit their heads/faces and don't take time to find styles that compliment their features. All styles don't look good on me and the way my hair grows (unevenly) is also not flattering so I went and got a haircut that was flattering to my texture and features. My hair falls 'better' now. Being natural does not have to mean losing all interest in style and leaving the hair to do whatever it wants to do. Most ladies didn't do that when relaxed so why do they do it when natural? It makes no sense to me but yes natural hair can look raggedy and/or unpolished just like relaxed hair can.

 

[skegeesmb]

It seems like you both don't like many of the options for natural hair. You say the styles are for young people, and he just doesn't seem to like it at all. If I were you I'd stay natural. Get a hard press. That way you are not using chemicals and are still natural, and you won't have to hear your husband complaining all the time.

I'm sorry that you are going through this though. I am glad that my husband was accepting of my natural hair. I would not be happy if he were harping on me all the time about my hair.

 

[Mortons]

I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals. Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?

Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.

 

[MissK7]

it is easy to let others opinion matters but keep focused on what you want and imagine that he aleady loves it. this is LOA (i'm not sure whether or not you believe it) but point is stay happy about your decisions and dont let him distract you.

My hubby has gone from hell no you aint cutting your (long relaxed) hair!! me ignorin him........
i hate natural hair.....me being happy ignorin him
well i dont mind natural as long as its long.......me ignorin and being happy
hell no i hate braids.......me ignorin him lol
wow those braids are pretty nice.....me ignorin lol...........
i told him i cut my hair under the braids...him ok baby...
took out the braids....i'm gon cut my hair down further.... ok baby whatever you do i support you...

and hes still all over me like nothin has changed..there is something powerful in staying happy and focused...you can honor your hubby without him throwing you out your happy place

in all you do as long as you stay happy and focused on what you want everything else in your life will fall in line keep your head up

 

[dlove]

Oooooooh no

It would BE ON if this was my man.

#1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"

#2 - It's NOT his choice how you wear your hair. If he loves and accepts you, your hair is part of the package.

Either support me or stfu about it. That would be what I would say.

I know we all like to please our men... but we also should love and want to please ourselves first and foremost.

Sorry this is happening to you!

The two pionts mentioned above is the plight I've been fighting for for 2 years. I believe some people are brainwashed into believing that 4a/b natural hair is not to be embraced. DH still does not get it. My texture is the same as his and he doesn't relax, so why should I?

 

[PeaceFlow]

Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are.

I feel WW and AW straighten their hair everyday in record numbers. The sale of flat irons is through the roof and its not just us buying them. They often have to get up early to do it as they wont go to work as they naturally are.

I hear "others" talking about their natural waves/curls with a look of disgust and talk of hating it quite regularly and they declare they can't live without their straightnerserplexed. Ive seen it and been there watching them blitz any bump/wave visible everyday, and this is some of the "other" men too.

I can't pinpoint when this started but a lot of people have an unhealthy obsession with getting their hair straight apart from us.

I also see WM responding to this, declaring that there are no hot white females with curly hair.

ETA: Whens the last time you saw Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman with their natural curls?

 

[shocol]

I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals. Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?

Women of all kinds like something on their body better in one way or another. Women and men of all kinds have things about their bodies that they like the way it is or different from the way it is...EVERYONE has things about themselves that they'd like to change - whether it's permanent or temporary. EVERYONE enjoys the ability to style themselves if they prefer something different.

My "God-given" hair isn't twist-out texture nor is it "picked out" texture...it isn't all laid down and groomed...it's a big, coily fro that swells and grows tremendously and would happily lock if I let it. However, I prefer for my hair to be styled a bit, so I use shea butters, KCCC, brushes, combs, headbands, and all sorts of concoctions. However, that is not my "God-given hair". I style it because I prefer that it looks the way it does when it's styled. Preferring that your hair be relaxed, braided, twisted, locked whatever, is no different. None of those are our "God-given hair", but rather things we do with our own hair to manipulate and style it in a certain way that we prefer.

It doesn't matter if something is God-given or not...we all have preferences for ourselves and certain ways we LIKE to be styled or groomed. My hair is no different from that and doesn't warrant psycho-analysis. (Not saying you're doing this...I'm just saying that this is what tends to happen among natural forums that I've been to.)

My pride in myself as a woman of African descent has very little to do with my hair and how I style it...and more to do with my contributions to my (many) people in empowering them.

I'm sorry if I sound as if I'm going off subject here. However, I do think that we tend to be very intolerant among each other, imply things, and make assumptions about each others' motives or sense of pride and identity when it's not warranted.

I as a woman of African descent have every right to prefer my hair in one way or another...just as much as any "other woman" is granted that right and flexibility.

I think it's a perfectly valid question. OP spoke herself about the trouble she's having with people accepting her natural hair. Why should DH be exempt from that? Let's be honest, he didn't just ask her to straighten her hair. Asking/demanding that she get a relaxer, he's saying that he wants her to permanently alter her hair texture.

As for "other" women when the majority, to the tune of 75%-80%, start chemically altering their hair for 20-30 years at a time, maybe I'll wonder why they do what they do.

In any case, I wasn't trying to be intolerant, or making assumptions. I wondered if it was style or hair texture because as a black woman, the whole straight hair is better, is something I just can't co-sign, not even to keep the peace in my marriage. Nor would I co-sign someone who tried to demand that I wear my hair in it's natural texture or natural styles 24/7. I just don't believe in that. There seem to be far too many people who overstep their boundaries when it comes to black women's hair.

 

[msa]

The two pionts mentioned above is the plight I've been fighting for for 2 years. I believe some people are brainwashed into believing that 4a/b natural hair is not to be embraced. DH still does not get it. My texture is the same as his and he doesn't relax, so why should I?

Exactly.

And if he really wants a straight style, straighten it. But relaxing is permanent. Does he understand that?

 

[dlove]

What about other protective styles that allow you to remain natural? braided updos, micros, wigs, etc? I was natural for many years before anyone saw my natural hair. No particular reason, I just didn't know a lot about styling my own hair and kept it mostly hidden. The length was so unimportant to me that I eventually BC'd it because micros cost me so much extra because of all the length. Man, I wish I had found lhcf before I did that! oh well.... we live and learn. Just see if there's something else you can do as it gets long long long. His tune my change once it's longer. Besides all that PS will allow you to grow and care for your natural tresses without having to deal too much with the dreaded single stranded knot.

Good luck to you, OP.

See, I dont want to wear weaves or wigs. I agree that the longer it gets, the better it my styles will look.

 

[shocol]

Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.

 

[Ms_Twana]

Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.

I know its not about him, its about me and what I like, though feel so discouraged because of the responses and treatment I get on the job, society and now at home. Natural hair where I live is a minority. People look at my 3c hair in my nape and say, "oh, you have "good" hair BACK THERE". The mentality here is that if you have 4a/b hair you look upkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job.

Right now my hair is past should length in the nape to area, 4 inches in the crown, 5 inches on the sides and I have about a 3.5 inch bang area. I want to grow my hair out so it looks like Te'yah Crystal Ke'mayh (sp?). What is her hair type anyway?

I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months. Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

Yes hun. Been there, done that...for 2 1/2 years. My husband hated my hair natural, and had no problems telling me. He thinks it looks "untamed." I love my husband to death, but he had to deal with my natural hair until I decided to relax again. I did try to straighten my hair every couple of months or so (mostly because I wanted to though ) to make him feel better about it. And he was fine when my hair was pulled back into a ponytail or small puff. He hated anything else.

My advice to you is to remember WHY you decided to go natural. Remember what your goals are. He'll come around. If he doesn't...oh well. I'm sure there are things about him that you don't care for, and you moved on. He'll be alright. Do what's best for YOU and YOUR hair. Everything else will fall into place.

 

[honeybuni84]

Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.

Interesting topic.

I am too, I believe a wife should submit to her DH. But this is taking it too far. Its one thing to give suggestions, but its quite another for him to say, "You need to make a hair appointment on friday to get that relaxer" I realize that I am not married, but I have seen successful relationships and I have never seen them break up over something so petty...

OP did you discuss with your DH yet

 

[Mortons]

I feel WW and AW straighten their hair everyday in record numbers. The sale of flat irons is through the roof and its not just us buying them. They often have to get up early to do it as they wont go to work as they naturally are.

I hear "others" talking about their natural waves/curls with a look of disgust and talk of hating it quite regularly and they declare they can't live without their straightnerserplexed. Ive seen it and been there watching them blitz any bump/wave visible everyday, and this is some of the "other" men too.

I can't pinpoint when this started but a lot of people have an unhealthy obsession with getting their hair straight apart from us.

I also see WM responding to this, declaring that there are no hot white females with curly hair.

ETA: Whens the last time you saw Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman with their natural curls?

A white woman with straight hair is not so much a stretch in her racial phenotype as a Black woman with straight hair.

 

[dlove]

Stop speculating, sis .

Yeah, because he made a request, not a demand. We had a candid conversation about my hair. Nothing more. I think if there some serious issues he would have left 2 years ago when I shocked the mess out of him coming home to a .10 inch twa.

 

[dlove]

I am too, I believe a wife should submit to her DH. But this is taking it too far. Its one thing to give suggestions, but its quite another for him to say, "You need to make a hair appointment on friday to get that relaxer" I realize that I am not married, but I have seen successful relationships and I have never seen them break up over something so petty...

OP did you discuss with your DH yet

Not yet, we will later tonight. Get back with you all tomorrow... Got to gather my thoughts.

 

[isabella09]

I agree that your husband’s opinion matters but so does yours, equally so. Ultimately, you will have to weigh up the pro’s/con’s and in so doing, should you wish to stay natural perhaps finding a compromise in your situation may be the most stress free option. Maybe try some alternative natural styles to the one’s you have been doing, perhaps you could choose them with your husband. Additionally, maybe show him some Fotki’s of your ultimate goal in order for him to visualise your efforts and the bigger picture (see how he responds). I wish you both luck in your decision/mental transition…Have fun with and enjoy your hair!

 

[Mrs.Fitness]

In my opinion this is no different than the petpeeve men have about weight gain during marriage. My question is "did he marry you natural?" From your post it doesnt sound like it. He may have been attracted to your straight hair. I am not saying whether this is right or wrong but it is a fact.

In my opinion this is something that has to be compromised. I would hate being married to a man that isnt attracted to me. No matter what the issue is. The determination to be natural is not more important than my marriage.

 

[dlove]

Her husband doesn't love her now apparently because he likes a certain hairstyle

I bind that in the name of Jesus. He loves me, just likes straight hair.