DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[butterfly_wings]

Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.

Interesting topic.

Yeah me too so I just created a thread in the relationships forum

 

[Southernbella.]

This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.

Does a married black woman have no control over even her own appearance? What can she control?

I have so much I want to say right now, but I'll just say this...DLove, if you want to relax, relax. I'm all for satisfying your man and keeping a happy home, but only if it makes YOU happy too. If you want to stay natural, you should absolutely stay natural. I say that as a happily married black woman whose husband was dead set against her going natural.

I've said many times that he ain't NEVA kicked me out of bed. I mean, is natural hair really enough to make an entire marriage unhappy? Seriously? Like, he'll be unhappy for the next 50 years because your hair isn't straight? Yall will be arguing and fighting and he'll be withholding sex because your hair isn't straight? Give me a break.

This is about you. If you think you will be happier relaxed, relax. If you think you'll be happier natural, stay natural and press sometimes. That's a happy medium, and it may even help you enjoy your hair more because that's one more styling option for you and he can see your hair straight sometimes.

Whatever you decide, we'll support you, but make sure you are doing it on your own terms!

 

[butterfly_wings]

It's not the same though.

I doubt anyone WANTS to gain 150 pounds or keep it on. erplexed

but some people REALLY want to just simply wear their natural texture.

Would you become a blonde because your hubby likes blondes? Or get a bunch of blonde highlights to compromise?

Some people would do it, I'm sure.

Other people would totally be against it for GOOD reason (damage/breakage/etc..)

No no one wants to gain 150 pounds but some people wouldn’t feel inclined to do work to lose the excess pounds. Even though it is his/her body as a partnership/unit they should take the other persons feelings/wants/desires into consideration not just their own.

I would wear a blonde wig in the bedroom if that’s what my fiancé liked but I wouldn't do anything permanent, that’s why I suggested the occasional hot comb press or flat iron.

 

[tocktick]

This thread is quite sad. Imo, submitting to your husband is not a bad thing in general but there is a difference between happily submitting and feeling forced due to having demands placed on you. Of course, he should be allowed to express his dislikes and a compromise can be reached if possible. But to continue to DEMAND she change (which leaves NO room for compromise) when it's not something she's feeling is unsettling to me. In OP's post he came across as rude and unreasonable (no offence, OP).

I think one should pick their battles. However, that goes both ways, imo. For example, if hair isn't a big deal to someone then relaxing may well be something they just give into to keep the peace (since hair texture doesn't matter to them). On the other hand, if a DH knows that his wife really wants to keep her hair natural then I don't understand why he should get a pass for causing tension and drama.

 

[Neith]

This thread is quite sad. Imo, submitting to your husband is not a bad thing in general but there is a difference between happily submitting and feeling forced due to having demands placed on you. Of course, he should be allowed to express his dislikes and a compromise can be reached if possible. But to continue to DEMAND she change (which leaves NO room for compromise) when it's not something she's feeling is unsettling to me. In OP's post he came across as rude and unreasonable (no offence, OP).

I think one should pick their battles. However, that goes both ways, imo. For example, if hair isn't a big deal to someone then relaxing may well be something they just give into to keep the peace (since hair texture doesn't matter to them). On the other hand, if a DH knows that his wife really wants to keep her hair natural then I don't understand why he should get a pass for causing tension and drama.

Yep, yep

ITA

 

[FindingMe]

I bet the OP wishes she hadn't bothered. What a furore.

I agree. I think she was really just venting and not meaning for everyone to get into a whole heated debate on whether her husband respects her or not. I haven't seen her post again since her inital posting.

DLove, girl, I can relate and have been in similiar situations. Not this exact one, but some similiar ones. Girl, pray on it, keep your head up, keep talking to DH about it and it will work out. Keep the lines of communication open and hopefully you both can come to a compromise. If it's really and truly important to you and you give it up to God, it will work out for the best.

It sounds like his view is important to him, too, and it's hard to respect (or sometimes even understand) the other's opinion when it's the exact opposite of your own. Keep talking. Try to explain to him why it's so important for you and ask him to help you understand why it's so important to him. Please don't dismiss what he is saying as wrong or disrespectful to you bc they are his feelings and he's entitled to them. (Regardless of how anyone else feels about them...) Please remember you posted this issue to a hair board, so I think you are going to find a slightly skewed view of people's opinions. I think if you both keep talking about this and really try and understand what's really important to each other, you will be able to come up with some sort of middle ground. I don't think you will (or should) have to be pushed into something you feel so strongly against. I just really don't think it will come to this.



ETA: I get you on the youthfulness of the styling thing. I am 40 and just recently transitioned to natural. I have been experimenting with twists, puffs and fros, but sometimes feel like I am doing some "young folks styles." Maybe if you posted some pics of your hair, we could suggest some different styling options that you might feel are more mature and that he would find more attractive? What about bunning into a small puff and adding a flower or some other small hair accessory? It sounds like you have enough hair to pull back and you could secure top and sides with pins if needed? That way, you could gel sides. If he's more amenable to straighter hair styles, maybe something like this would be more attractive to him? I dunno, just thinking out loud...

 

[Southernbella.]

How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?

Better yet, how many women would transition if their dh asked them to? If he thought you would look better with natural hair, would yall stop relaxing to "keep a happy home"?

 

[LynnieB]

I am just wondering how many of the hardline 'he can't tell you what to do, do as you please' people in this thread are married.

Met my dh in '84, married in '89 and am still very happily married today.

When we met, I had long hair and I was relaxed. Now I'm a longhaired natural. The only time he was tempted to say something about my hair was right after my bc and it was just too short for both of us. Still he never demanded anything.

Sometimes I straighten it or do a rollerset. Sometimes it's a treat for him, sometimes a big break and a treat for me. Still he has never demanded that I straighten it when I don't want.

We compromise on some things, we also agree to disagree on some things but he would NEVER EVER EVER DEMAND that I put a relaxer in my hair (wouldn't even suggest it either).

NEVER EVER EVER.



I chose to "Thanks" on the posts that I agreed with in this thread.

 

[jennboo]

Better yet, how many women would transition if their dh asked them to? If he thought you would look better with natural hair, would yall stop relaxing to "keep a happy home"?

The telling this is, when i asked that question about whether or not folks would cut their waist length hair very short to suit hubbys preferences i got nary a response, lol.

To the bolded:
You know the responses would be: "I would absolutely LOVE to dear, I am IN LOVE with my natural hair! but its just too unmanageable...

 

[Ladybelle]

no worries hun!

i could tell you didn't mean any offense. it's just that soon thereafter the "don't listen to anyone who dont have a man" stuff started and thats rang unfair to me.

no one group of people has the manopoly on good judgement.

The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus (did anyone else peep that )

while folks are debating granular points..... the board as a whole seems to say that

1. a happy home is important

2. OP should have a open conversation with dh that involves finding a solution that works for them both

3. approach is key and he should check himself before demanding anything of a grown woman (whether she be his wife or not)

4. before she even worries about him OP needs to assess how she even feels about her own hair because she doesnt even seem sold on it herself.

5. and if she does want to be natural her lack of swag, shrinkage, and choice of styles may be the culprit of her man's dismay moreso than the fact that she doesnt have a relaxer (and lets be real...to be natural in this society and look good doing it: swag is a must)

i actually think that is all great advice. which is why i had nothing more to add

Yep- that pretty much sums it up. You said everything that everyone else has said. So, now can we leave it at that? OP can read this one post and get the consensus of the entire thread.

 

[sunshinelady]

Now, I am a slight natural-iste, but if DH cares enough to say something about it, then you may want to take it under consideration. Marriage is more important.

 

[Southernbella.]

We need to make up our minds around here. Either it's just hair, or it's not. If it was "just hair", it wouldn't have the potential to ruin marriages.

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months. Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

Been in my shoes?

Dlove, I am happy to see someone else raise the point that you mentioned here. I've been natural for 23 months, and one of the things that has frustrated me once I began to reach a certain length is that I look like a child (particularly when I wear my hair out). I already have a somewhat "young" face, but when I wear my natural hair out, I do look like an 18 year old. As a result (and for other reasons, of course), I've just stuck to braids.

I have no advice to give in that regard, because I've not yet found a solution nor have I ever seen anyone raise this point. But I am somewhat relieved to see that I'm not alone in that regard. I'm of a certain age and I don't necessarily enjoy being mistaken for a teenager (I pray that I won't regret saying that in another 20 years).

 

[Southernbella.]

Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.

 

[jennboo]

Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.

Me too......

 

[JayAnn0513]

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

 

[tocktick]

Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.

^^ ITA. Imo, there are so many ways to style twistouts, puffs, braidouts etc. For example, at 19 I made my twistouts/puffs/braided styles look young (like my siggy) yet I also know how to make them look sophisticated/mature or even conservative. It's all in how your style it, imo. A curly fro, braidout, puff etc does not scream "young!", imo.

Renee Davis doesn't look 18 with her natural hair, meanwhile neither does someone like YaYa DeCosta even though she's a younger woman.

 

[FindingMe]

Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.

Me too......

I think that's the underlying theme of this whole thread. It's all subjective

DH thinks straight hair looks better on his wife
OP thinks some natural styles look less mature on her
Locals think folks who wear natural hair are "unkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job."

Point for me is everyone has an opinion and it matters bc that's how they feel. It's up to OP now to make sure DH understands what she is willing to do or not and understand what he really wants and go from there.

 

[Ramya]

I would be a straight natural. Still natural but with styles that your DH likes. I do think his opinion is very important and that your marriage is more important than your hair. But that's just my unmarried opinion.

 

[PeaceFlow]

My SO has changed a few things because of my attraction meter. For example I hate it when white guys get their hair shaved or cut very short and clean, IDK whyerplexed.
He knows I find the short no frills look less attractive so we make sure he gets a not too short hair cut with some texture which has made a lot of difference to me.
Also he used to grow his beard out then clean shave it once a week. I find facial hair on him very attractive, I still like him with it off but he knows he has that extra spark to me with it. We found a trimmer with settings so he doesn't have to clean shave it.

I also compromise on a few appearance things. I texlaxed recently, partially because I wanted to see some length, partially because I wanted to be able to wear it staight or blown out for him sometimes without it shrinking within 2 seconds. He didn't ask me to change but I know what he likes (length). I'm not even a big fan of straight hair but I don't hate it as long as its not stick straight.

I feel some men can come around to natural hair when it starts to gain length so maybe its worth sticking it out.
However I would be very careful about continuing with a style change that my husband really doesn't find attractive after he met me looking another way. I like compromise in my relationship and usually you can find something that works for both.

 

[soulie]

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

We have been in that situation; he grew a beard because I wanted it; I don't wear braids because he doesn't like them; and I wouldn't come home with a tattoo because he detests them. He also wouldn't come home from a frat convention with a brand for the same reason. There are times when I wear shorts to a community event because I know it will make HIM happy -- not because I feel like it, but because HE thinks I look good in them and likes it. Like I said above, it's all give and take; and we both do things because it will make the other one happy, e.g., the beard itches but I think it looks sexy -- so he itches The shorts make me feel my butt looks big -- but I wear 'em anyway

 

[tocktick]

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

If we're going that route, one may well argue the dynamics in OPs marriage could be be quite different than your own or someone else's. Thus, I suppose your advice and their advice is no more valid than an unmarried woman's *shrug*. With that said, some single/unmarried women here are basically saying things some married women are saying anyway .

Imo, it would have been best for OP to keep this situation between her and DH or get advice from close women in her life who have been happily married for a long time instead of a bunch of anonymous Janes (that goes for both married or unmarried ones).

 

[Southernbella.]

I think that's the underlying theme of this whole thread. It's all subjective

DH thinks straight hair looks better on his wife
OP thinks some natural styles look less mature on her
Locals think folks who wear natural hair are "unkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job."

Point for me is everyone has an opinion and it matters bc that's how they feel. It's up to OP now to make sure DH understands what she is willing to do or not and understand what he really wants and go from there.

I think everyone acknowledged that.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

We need to make up our minds around here. Either it's just hair, or it's not. If it was "just hair", it wouldn't have the potential to ruin marriages.

Lol, I think this was inadvertently answered when people ignored the question about cutting their BSL/MBL hair to satisfy dh's wants

 

[shocol]

#1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"

I agree. I think this is the real question. Is it really about style or about DH inability to accept your natural hair texture? Of course his opinion counts, but it seems as if it's gone far beyond just an opinion.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

WOW. So let me get this straight. People are saying 'marriage is about compromise' and that compromise is that dh gets his way. Interesting. There is no suggestion that dh should also compromise by opening his mind up a little to the idea of natural hair. I know many men out there who probably wouldn't be too happy about their wives going natural, BUT seeing how happy the decision makes their wife is enough for them to back off a little. For every husband out there who will kick and scream about his wife's 'unpolished, natural afro-textured hair' there are many others who will make the effort to understand their wife's decision and come to a happy medium.

Compromise is when you are crazy about your hubby's long hair, but he is ready to cut it, so you two decide on a length that will please the both of you. It is not about him having to keep it long, even though he isn't happy with his appearance with it long anymore--OR him cutting it all off with no regard for how you feel about it. I agree that the wife should take her husband's wishes to heart, but the husband should want his wife to feel beautiful and some women feel more beautiful with texture in their hair.

 

[Chaosbutterfly]

I guess I should say firstly that I'm not married.

But my parents went through this same thing, and I saw firsthand what happened, so I think I'm slightly qualified to talk.
When my mother married my father, she had gorgeous BSL (stretched) natural hair, but he was always nagging her to relax it, just because he didn't like natural hair. Her hair was really beautiful too. He loved my mom, just not her hair.
So she finally broke down and relaxed it, so he would be happy. And he was happy. But she wasn't and she still isn't really happy.
To this day, she still has BSL healthy and thick hair and she's okay with it, but she has said that a part of her still resents him for essentially forcing her to relax.

I don't think that OP will have an unhappy marriage if she chooses to stay natural, but I don't think that her marriage will be all butterflies if she relaxes. Whether she stays natural or not, I think there will still be some resentment there. Her husband might resent her because he might think that she doesn't value his opinion. And she might resent him, because she might feel as if she was forced into relaxing. Ultimately, if this issue causes bumps in the marriage, it won't be because of a simple hair styling choice, it will be because of the resentment that could appear and fester once a decision has been made.

I think that OP should sit her husband down and have a long talk with him about this whole thing. Try to figure out why he feels that way about natural hair, because as we see here everyday, even short natural hair is beautiful and polished when maintained well. Tell him why you decided to go natural and why you would prefer to stay natural, and if he really loves you, he will hear you out. But most importantly, be really honest with him and try to listen to him when he is being honest with you. I know that it must hurt that he doesn't like your hair, but for the time being, try to put aside your pain and just hear him out. The fact that he came to you and was honest (even though I don't really approve of how he did it) shows that he cares. I really think you guys can reach a compromise about this, because natural hair can be made to look many ways, even just like relaxed hair.

I think if my mom had done that stuff, maybe she wouldn't feel so resentful towards my dad, but they're kind of old school, so what he says, goes. People say that it's only hair, but really....sometimes, hair is tied really strongly to one's sense of self, so it can be tough when someone pressures you to change it. I'm not telling you to cave, and I'm not telling you to *** what he thinks, but I am saying that you guys should talk about it with one another openly and honestly. While you've gotten everyone's opinion here, at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live in the marriage. Not us.

I wish you the best of luck with this matter, OP. I know it can't be easy.

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

It's all in how your style it, imo. A curly fro, braidout, puff etc does not scream "young!", imo.

Renee Davis doesn't look 18 with her natural hair, meanwhile neither does someone like YaYa DeCosta even though she's a younger woman.

Yaya's hair (I have no idea if she does braid/twist outs or not) is in an updo, so I don't quite consider this the same thing. Her updo looks mature and elegant.

At my place of work (a very blue-blood, Kennedys sort of environment), the farther my hair is from my scalp, the more likely I am to be called out on it for not looking "credible". This has been the same for women in our company who are straight/curly/or coily (regardless of the color). My boss wears a curly fro but it's very short (maybe 1 to 1.5 inches) and close to her scalp. She looks mature and "credible".

To be fair, the same rule has been applied to men in our company, regardless of their skintype or racial makeup (I have seen first hand when Caucasian employees were "called into the office" and told to "do something" with their hair or cut it.

I wear my hair in braids, but I wear buns, etc. that give a more mature look. A high ponytail, whether you're straight, curly, or coily would be considered too youthful where I work. This also applies to a "puff" which is a take on the high ponytail.

There is no denying that our perception of what is mature, youthful or credible is very dependent on the style.

If I walked in to work with Victoria's Secret hair, they would definitely pull me to the side and tell me to "do something with it". By that same token, if I were to walk into work with my coilies "out" (which is the same as "vicky's secret hair...just coily), they would equally call me to the said and tell me to do something with it/style it in a way that makes me look mature and credible.

I think this is something that is not discussed enough.

 

[Bluetopia]

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.

i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.

who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?

who are YOU to assume what experiences in maintaining a healthy, long term, give-and-take relationship the women on this board have whether they be married or not?

and to make your statement even more ill conceived the hilarious thing is....MANY of the women who are disagreeing with each other are married women debating with other married women. so its not even like you are illuminating any valid source behind people's difference of opinions.

the most functional couple i know has been together for over a decade and isnt married but does wonderfully at making sure each others needs are met. id love to hear her take on this issue

but according to you...her opinion wouldnt count because being married is the be-all and end-all for knowing anything about positive interpersonal relationships

right?

how incredibly unfair and close minded of you.

i pray that anyone on this board who ever seeks to give you their sincere opinion meets your standards of worthiness before having the misfortune of being dismissed so unjustly.

 

[Junebug D]

The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus (did anyone else peep that )

while folks are debating granular points..... the board as a whole seems to say that

1. a happy home is important

2. OP should have a open conversation with dh that involves finding a solution that works for them both

3. approach is key and he should check himself before demanding anything of a grown woman (whether she be his wife or not)

4. before she even worries about him OP needs to assess how she even feels about her own hair because she doesnt even seem sold on it herself.

5. and if she does want to be natural her lack of swag, shrinkage, and choice of styles may be the culprit of her man's dismay moreso than the fact that she doesnt have a relaxer (and lets be real...to be natural in this society and look good doing it: swag is a must)

i actually think that is all great advice. which is why i had nothing more to add

Thank you!

I don't think anyone outright said "He told you to relax, you'd better go do it right now less your marriage if OVAH!!!!"

And OP never even said that she was so in love with her natural hair that she would never ever ever 1) relax or 2) straighten. So I don't even know where that came from. Especially since her post sounded like she was not thrilled with her styling options as a natural herself. That was just the opinion of other posters.