DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[Ronnieaj]

Dlove,

DO NOT get a relaxer if you will resent him for it. That will only further exacerbate this issue. You need to sit down and have a REAL discussion with him about what you are doing and why, and what alternatives there are that will keep BOTH of you happy. I'm not married, and I don't want to hear from married women about how my perspective's off. I'm a divorce attorney, and I hear this every doggone day, so I think I've got a lot of perspective. If this is that serious, you both need to go to counseling, marital and separate. Otherwise this issue will not resolve itself. Best of luck to you hon.

 

[Ladybelle]

Catering to your spouse and having your spouse dictate something to you are two different things.

If he had said, "i like your hair when it looks like ... " or "I think it looks sexy when you... " that would have been a different matter.

He insulted the hair God gave her and told her to make an appointment.

Or, maybe I'm just reading too much into how OP worded it.

I see what you're saying and it makes perfect sense. I didn't read that much into the wording, but when you put it like that- I can see the sentiment you bring up. It becomes more about him being disrespectful of her than her respecting his likes.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Ordinarily I'd stay outta these convo's but I see this sentiment alot.

Marriage is a partnership

when I decided to go natural, I didn't ask him if I could I told him I was.

Your 'partnership' just seems like the inverse of the OP's situation.

~~~~~~~~~
I agree with whoever said the OP doesn't seem sold on natural hair. There are big battles and small battles that you have in a relationship. What's the point of making a big battle out of something you're half hearted about?

 

[Neith]

With all due respect, I disagree. I love you, but I disagree. I am very willing to change my hair to suit my husbands likes. If that's what it takes to keep my vows not only to him but to God, then that's what I'll do. This in my mind is a very small change to make and I see nothing wrong or demeaning to me as a woman with it. I would then take the matter to God in prayer and ask that HE change my husband's mind. In time, I truly believe that my husband's eyes would be opened so to speak and he will see things from a different perspective as long as I remember to put the matter in God's hands and let HIM take care of thr resulting events from there.

I said nothing about anyone letting themselves go or "bushy" beards or "abnormally long" nails or even problems with "hygiene". Where did all that come from? You totally misread my post. These are your embellished thoughts and words and not mine. Some men think it's acceptable to wear clean waist length hair, long clean beards and nails. I have seen it and mind you, these men do not look bad, it's just not a preference for me personally.

I am not here to attack anyone's thoughts as you have done mine, just to simply voice my thoughts as have every lady that posted in here has done. The OP will do what she feels is right for her and her marraige no matter what we say. So why the attackerplexed?

Why do you think I attacked you?

I didn't even say anything directly about you. Laughing cuz... wow, I didn't see that as an attack. I honestly have no ill will towards anyone here! Just having a discussion...

The picture that you painted - man with nails significantly longer than a woman's nails and a man that "stops keeping his beard nice" (quoted directly from your post)... is misleading then.

It's my opinion that partners in marriage are equals. I'm not going to do something against what I feel strongly about just to make him happy.

Like I said before... some people can go straighten their hair and find a happy medium.

but SOME can't because we don't want to use harsh chemicals or damage our hair.

I love him to death, but I am not going to walk around hating the way I look because of him either. It's women that usually feel that they have to live with life's sorrows to make everyone else happy.

It's hair on MY head? I'll listen to your suggestions, but the final choice is RIGHTFULLY mine alone.

All my opinions - Not a personal attack AT ALL!

 

[JollyGal]

Oh dear!

You must tell DH how much he has offended you. Don't change your hair unless you want to.

With all due respect I think what he said was extremely harsh and out of order. He doesn't have hair or even understand about black female hair care.

It's important you steer clear of negativity even if it's about black hair. For black women, hair is so much more than just HAIR.

I haven't been in this situation with a partner but I've had a friend ask me when I was going to relax my hair (apparently my fro was too wild)...and I said to her when you stop wearing wigs.

you know what maybe his friends have been saying things to him about your hair. This closed mentality is very damaging. Before relaxers how did black people wear their hair?

Hairstyles can never be outdated unless you wear those bobbles that are shaped like sweets lol

 

[Kawaii1]

This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.


eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.

I agree, my DH is like this. He doesn't like the natural look so I relax for him. It's not that big of a deal to cause strife in your marriage. I could understand if you had some sort of medical reason to notrelax but if this is the man you love and he accomodates you then you should do the same. Don't listen to anyone who does NOT have a man.

 

[moonglowdiva]

Maybe you should sit down and talk to your hubby. When you married him ya'll no longer were individuals but one. Communication is key. Sound like to me DH is not happy, be careful because the grass might start to look greener on the other side. Your one and only goal is to keep peace within your household. Hair can be sacrificed. Talk to him. Think about it like this what if the shoe was on the other foot. What would you do?

 

[natstar]

I wish things were different and he accepted it more but maybe there can be a compromise?

If you love your natural hair- KEEP IT! I think some relaxed hair can looked "unpolished" too if not taken care of or styled a certain way.

For the styles that you mentioned:"wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro" maybe you can adjust them in a way that they are a little more conservative at times. Play around with it.
You can do more up dos from braid outs/twistouts/bantu knot outs, flat iron, curlformers, regular braidouts/twistouts, buns- whatever. Show him some other options and he MAY change his mind and come around. Do this before jumping the gun and relaxing.

Ultimately its your decision. I agree some styles are less conservative than others. I don't agree with that all natural hair looks unprofessional/unkempt. I think its how u put together the entire package (i.e.accessories/makeup/clothes/hair).

ETA- I really like Kawaii's post- you can compromise and switch it up sometimes. You have options with ur natural hair (flat iron, afro, two strand twists) whatev. Just take care of it regardless

 

[Neith]

Ordinarily I'd stay outta these convo's but I see this sentiment alot.

Your 'partnership' just seems like the inverse of the OP's situation.

~~~~~~~~~
I agree with whoever said the OP doesn't seem sold on natural hair. There are big battles and small battles that you have in a relationship. What's the point of making a big battle out of something you're half hearted about?

Marriage is a partnership not an obligation to give a husband what he wants. What about what she wants?

I asked my hubby to grow locs because I thought he'd look good in them, he went and got his hair cut and he didn't ask me what I thought, I asked hubby to grow his beard out like it was when we met, he keeps it cut down,think he asked me about it?

Marriage ain't about obligations to each other, it's about respecting each other and loving the other person AS THEY ARE and not just what one wants.

If being natural is me then allow me to be ME.

That's just how you chose to look at it, Crackersphinn.

Does it still seem like the inverse with the quotes I picked out?

I do agree that if it's not important, then go get a relaxer/BKT/press or find some other way to compromise. I would never say no just to say no or anything like that..

but... since she IS indisicive, she should think about what she really wants. It may be important to her and that may be what's keeping her back. If she didn't care much, why would she need advice about it?

 

[Kawaii1]

Dlove,

DO NOT get a relaxer if you will resent him for it. That will only further exacerbate this issue. You need to sit down and have a REAL discussion with him about what you are doing and why, and what alternatives there are that will keep BOTH of you happy. I'm not married, and I don't want to hear from married women about how my perspective's off. I'm a divorce attorney, and I hear this every doggone day, so I think I've got a lot of perspective. If this is that serious, you both need to go to counseling, marital and separate. Otherwise this issue will not resolve itself. Best of luck to you hon.

I don't know about your perspective because these people you are talking too are coming to you in unhealthy relationships. You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.

 

[natstar]

I don't know about your perspective because these people you are talking too are coming to you in unhealthy relationships. You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.[/QUOTE]

I really like this idea- Ok so he may not like ur styles- change it up some days and do you some days. Your style options are limitless. And its a good compromise

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

You know what? Im sorry but I gotta say this-- I have only had problems like this with black men. Now I will say that there are some black men that will kill for a natural sista, but my man (who happens to be white) and others before him (either white or asian), did not have a problem with my hair. It was alway the black men who tried to change me ("why don't you straighten your hair?"). This is not a case of having a man or not-- I doubt everyone that doesn't have a man be it bf or husband lost them due to having a brain thus being able to make their own decisions. There are MANY women that cater to their men and still get cheated on, or just plain left in the dust. People are saying "Relaxing your hair is not a big deal to save your marriage", well is it not true that his wife wanting natural hair shouldn't cause strife in the marriage either?

 

[soulie]

I am just wondering how many of the hardline 'he can't tell you what to do, do as you please' people in this thread are married.

The husband expressed his preference. There will be discussion and either compromise or concession. However, everyone has to pick his/her battles. This is one that was THAT important to him. To use a cliche, marriage is give and take. If this is so important to him, maybe it will be a "give" point for her; but maybe there will be or has been something else where she was adamant, and HE "gave". That's the way marriage WORKS. Getting your back up and saying 'I'm not doing so-and-so, you can't tell ME what to do' might win you that particular battle -- but you might lose the war. Which is more important, the marriage or the hair? And yes, it can be THAT serious in some relationships.

 

[rosalindb]

Would you mind sharing your reasons for going natural 2 years ago? It may be worth you reviewing again to see how important those reasons are to you now?

 

[MJ]

Relaxing isn't the only way to get/wear straight styles. Many naturals here where their hair straight without relaxing.

Also, I'm natural and many natural styles do look unkempt to me. I've seen styles that look great on one person because of how they dress and carry themselves while wearing it, while the same style looks a HAM on another person. Natural styles are VERY individual. Hair texture, length, attitude, and personality make and break styles.

OP and her hubby will need to find something they can agree on together.

 

[mj11051]

I understand and it makes perfect sense. If he had asked her rather than told her, would you feel different about it?

And Kudos to being married for 12 years. That's an accomplishment!!!

Yes I would, if asked and gave his reasons I could respect that. When my hubby asked me to do or not to do something I'm very reasonable and I respect his opinion. But being told to make an make appointment to get a relaxer says to me that you view me as a child and you don't respect as an adult in this marriage.

Thank you for the kudos because marriage is a 24/7 job and it's not easy.

NOW do you forgive me for being RUDE

 

[jennboo]

The women who relax for their husbands are relaxing for themselves as well. Point blank period. Thats fine. If you are half hearted about your natural, not really vested in it, don't really like it too much, you will be more easily swayed to chemicalize. The extra incentive to relax is if your husband also thinks you look a HAM with your natural.

If a woman adores her natural hair and is comfortable with it, she would not perm is straight for anyone.

How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?

 

[Kawaii1]

I am just wondering how many of the hardline 'he can't tell you what to do, do as you please' people in this thread are married.

The husband expressed his preference. There will be discussion and either compromise or concession. However, everyone has to pick his/her battles. This is one that was THAT important to him. To use a cliche, marriage is give and take. If this is so important to him, maybe it will be a "give" point for her; but maybe there will be or has been something else where she was adamant, and HE "gave". That's the way marriage WORKS. Getting your back up and saying 'I'm not doing so-and-so, you can't tell ME what to do' might win you that particular battle -- but you might lose the war. Which is more important, the marriage or the hair? And yes, it can be THAT serious in some relationships.

ITA! I have made demands on my DH. If I can't stand something about his look and it's not a big deal then I think he should relent. It's just not that serious to me. Did the OP's DH meet her with straight hair or natural hair?

 

[Foxglove]

I really like this idea- Ok so he may not like ur styles- change it up some days and do you some days. Your style options are limitless. And its a good compromise

Exactly my point
There are other, less permanent alternatives
She doesn't have to get a relaxer to get that look

 

[Bulletproof]

I agree, my DH is like this. He doesn't like the natural look so I relax for him. It's not that big of a deal to cause strife in your marriage. I could understand if you had some sort of medical reason to notrelax but if this is the man you love and he accomodates you then you should do the same. Don't listen to anyone who does NOT have a man.

You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.

I think I understand both sides and believe that a compromise can actually b reached if the OP wants to not relax her hair. As has been said there are presses, flat ironing, and even BKT and texlaxing. The last 2 are obviously higher up on the compromise scale.

I think most people are not happy with the tone of what seems like a demand as opposed to the husband informing his wife of his displeasure with her current look. I am sure if hubby had said what are some other options as opposed to saying get a relaxer ASAP many people would not feel the way they do.

I don't think she needs to have a medical reason to validate her choice to be natural. In discussions about her hair being natural with her husband whatever her reasons were should be enough, whether it was a whim, scared of burns, not liking relaxer fumes, whatever they were it should not matter in a real discussion. Just as his reasons for his opinion are valid as well.

The absolute you must run out and relax because it will make your husband happy is a hard line to take and inconsiderate of her needs and wants. Just as she must consider his desires she must consider herself as well and THEY must make a decision. Not she must change to suit his fancy. I truly believe if Dlove if willing to consider occasional presses/flat irons that should be enough for her husband and something with good hair practices she can manage. And if a press is not good enough for him and he demands a relaxer then that is where I say Houston we have a problem.

Also are woman without a man not equals? Yeesh I think opinions and advice can come from all, the OP has to parse through what has been said and choose what will help her situation, whether it comes from a single person or not. Simply being single should not decide the cogency of a POV if it stated with sense and reason.

ETA I agree with the second half of quoted text that I added, it shows fairness to both parties and that was mainly what I was concerned with

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

The women who relax for their husbands are relaxing for themselves as well. Point blank period. Thats fine. If you are half hearted about your natural, not really vested in it, don't really like it too much, you will be more easily swayed to chemicalize. The extra incentive to relax is if your husband also thinks you look a HAM with your natural.

If a woman adores her natural hair and is comfortable with it, she would not perm is straight for anyone.

How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?

THANK YOU!!!!!

 

[Kawaii1]

The women who relax for their husbands are relaxing for themselves as well. Point blank period. Thats fine. If you are half hearted about your natural, not really vested in it, don't really like it too much, you will be more easily swayed to chemicalize. The extra incentive to relax is if your husband also thinks you look a HAM with your natural.

If a woman adores her natural hair and is comfortable with it, she would not perm is straight for anyone.

How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?

Maybe yes and maybe no. I love short hair! Love the clean lines of it. The precision(sp?), the look and easy, maintenance. Short hair is versatile, healthier(in my opinion)and fun. I cut my hair when I was 14(halle berry) and have worn it short for over a decade. I cut it because I loved it that way, my dream hair cut is still a bob (short in the back long on the sides). I got married and the DH loves long hair so I will grow it long. According to you my DH loving long hair is a scapegoat for me to wear long hair. That just doesn't go for everyone.

 

[natstar]

I don't know about your perspective because these people you are talking too are coming to you in unhealthy relationships. You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.

Relaxing isn't the only way to get/wear straight styles. Many naturals here where their hair straight without relaxing.

Also, I'm natural and many natural styles do look unkempt to me. I've seen styles that look great on one person because of how they dress and carry themselves while wearing it, while the same style looks a HAM on another person. Natural styles are VERY individual. Hair texture, length, attitude, and personality make and break styles.
OP and her hubby will need to find something they can agree on together.

I agree with all of this. Its the whole package (and sometime its just the style/detail). I hope u get a solution OP.

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

[/b]
Also are woman without a man not equals? Yeesh I think opinions and advice can come from all, the OP has to parse through what has been said and choose what will help her situation, whether it comes from a single person or not. Simply being single should not decide the cogency of a POV if it stated with sense and reason.

holla!!!! well said

 

[Foxglove]

[/B]

I think I understand both sides and believe that a compromise can actually b reached if the OP wants to not relax her hair. As has been said there are presses, flat ironing, and even BKT and texlaxing. The last 2 are obviously higher up on the compromise scale.

I think most people are not happy with the tone of what seems like a demand as opposed to the husband informing his wife of his displeasure with her current look. I am sure if hubby had said what are some other options as opposed to saying get a relaxer ASAP many people would not feel the way they do.

I don't think she needs to have a medical reason to validate her choice to be natural. In discussions about her hair being natural with her husband whatever her reasons were should be enough, whether it was a whim, scared of burns, not liking relaxer fumes, whatever they were it should not matter in a real discussion. Just as his reasons for his opinion are valid as well.

The absolute you must run out and relax because it will make your husband happy is a hard line to take and inconsiderate of her needs and wants. Just as she must consider his desires she must consider herself as well and THEY must make a decision. Not she must change to suit his fancy. I truly believe if Dlove if willing to consider occasional presses/flat irons that should be enough for her husband and something with good hair practices she can manage. And if a press is not good enough for him and he demands a relaxer then that is where I say Houston we have a problem.

Also are woman without a man not equals? Yeesh I think opinions and advice can come from all, the OP has to parse through what has been said and choose what will help her situation, whether it comes from a single person or not. Simply being single should not decide the cogency of a POV if it stated with sense and reason.

I agree with everything you said

 

[aribell]

This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.

Does a married black woman have no control over even her own appearance? What can she control?

Yeah...then the issue really isn't about hairstyles.

I hope you all can work it out.

 

[Bluetopia]

can i just point out that the opinions on this topic vary amongst the married women too??? and that there isnt a universal married woman's opinion.

the insinuation that some of the differences in opinions are linked to whether a woman is married or single doesn't feel right to me

just because someone isnt married doesnt take away their ability to empathize and have a valid opinion. and i think all the posters on this thread have shown that they are being thoughtful and honest (very honest) about their views.

and who is to say a single woman doesnt still have the benefit of being in successful, healthy long term relationship that she can speak from?

the generalization is just a faulty one IMO

to pull the single card on one person but then totally be open to the very same opinion being said by another poster just because she is married is off putting and subtley divisive.

i havent even stated how i stand on this issue (and probably wont)

but can we agree that EVERYONE's feelings are equally valid....

its a personal peeve of mine when folks marginalize others experiences.

even if that wasnt the intention (and i sincerely suspect it wasnt) thats still how it came off to me and im sure some others who rather not speak up.

as you were.......

 

[Crackers Phinn]

That's just how you chose to look at it, Crackersphinn.

I find this condescending.

Because you're assuming that I didn't read the entire thing before responding which leads me to your question.

Does it still seem like the inverse with the quotes I picked out?

I was really trying to avoid addressing that part of her rant because it drives home the point that partnership is not the right word to describe how they relate to each other.

 

[andromeda]

This has already been said but I think introspection, discussion and compromise are key in this situation.

Introspection - do you really want to be natural? How important is it to you? Will you be more comfortable as a natural once you reach a certain length and have found a style that is sleek and suits your tastes?

Discussion - explain your reasons to dh and have him explain his. try to avoid being defensive, be prepared to hear even more of his honesty about what's aesthetically pleasing to him(although it might be displeasing to your ears), approach with an open mind but also come prepared to explain the versatility of natural hair (which dh very well might not understand)

Compromise - I think there's a happy medium here that does not require a relaxer. As others have mentioned, you have many options with styling, stretching/banding, heat, or even bkt

I'm not married, so feel free to take my opinions with a grain of salt. I hope it turns out for the best!

How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?

Well, when you put it like that...

 

[butterfly_wings]

How about pressing it every now and again? I know it's your hair but everyone has their preferences; he obviously wants his wife to look nice in his eyes co wearing it straight sometimes and natural the rest of the time is a good comprise.

I guess it would be like if he was usually clean shaven then all of a sudden started growing a long beard- it’s just not what you/he would be used to.

It’s your hair and do what makes you happy