DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[Ladybelle]

Does wifey get to tell hubby exactly how he should maintain his appearance as well?

Or is this a one way street?

If his apperance is that important to her. This varies from marriage to marriage. She may feel strongly about another issue.

Some men could care squat about hair type/state - but hers does.

Lawd, have mercy - I'm sorry for opening up this can of worms. erplexed

 

[mscocoface]

There are a lot of women unfortunately having to deal with this issue. There are some who cannot even go natural because the fallout would be disasterous for their marriage or family relationships and I am not talking about other countries like Dominican Republic or Haiti but right here in the good ole US of A.

I know of one site the owner gets women calling and crying to her constantly because they want to go natural but they know that the marriage would be in shambles and the trauma too great for them to bare.

Like it, love it or hate it, it is what it is. At the end of the day OP has to determine what is the best course of action to take. Trying to find a happy medium would be wonderful, but it may come to one or the other getting their choice.

To answer the question the OP asked, yes there are quite a few women who have and are still dealing with this issue, some have a more severe situation than you do.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best and hope that you both are satisfied in the end.

 

[Neith]

Oooooooh no

It would BE ON if this was my man.

#1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"

#2 - It's NOT his choice how you wear your hair. If he loves and accepts you, your hair is part of the package.

Either support me or stfu about it. That would be what I would say.

I know we all like to please our men... but we also should love and want to please ourselves first and foremost.

Sorry this is happening to you!

 

[LushLox]

OP have you looked BKT treatments?

Think carefully about it before you take the plunge I would say. There ARE alternatives - a relaxer is so....well permanent!!

 

[FluffyRed]

Can't speak on the husband part, just the "since when does a man even care"

Every male I know cares, even when your not their gf. At school half my male friends were pissed off I was going to cut my hair since I was going to be natural. And I cut from APL to ear length. I got a lot of head shakes. The current now was annoyed when I went all the way to shoulder length. But he actually hates that I relax...maybe that's the difference anyway the point was most males I know care about how your hair looks. Color, style, length and all.

Lemme rephrase the question - since when does a man in love start bossing his wife around about her appearance?

I know schoolboys are superficial and look at women as an object to up their status, but a grown married man? Not just expressing a preference, but giving orders? That's a new one on me.

 

[AfroKink]

I sense this thread is about to go down hill. So let me get this in...

I don't believe that a person can not like EVERY natural style. Even if he doesn't like natural hair (for whatever reason) he will like at least a couple natural styles. I think you should sit down with him and go through the albums of natural women with a similar hair type and length to yours and find styles that he finds attractive. Then where those styles more often. You can even straigten your hair more often if he likes that.

I was in Sonce's album today and I saw these pics which are really beautiful.
http://public.fotki.com/Kemi21/hair/september-2008c/dscn1839.html


Lys

 

[Maracujá]

#1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"

That was my first thought, my people, my people...

 

[LushLox]

*awaits the padlock*

 

[Maracujá]

I was in Sonce's album today and I saw these pics which are really beautiful.
http://public.fotki.com/Kemi21/hair/september-2008c/dscn1839.html


Lys

Sonce reopened her album?

 

[OhmyKimB]

Lemme rephrase the question - since when does a man in love start bossing his wife around about her appearance?

I know schoolboys are superficial and look at women as an object to up their status, but a grown married man? Not just expressing a preference, but giving orders? That's a new one on me.

Again.... I said I'm not married. However I know married men or in love men since that's what you just said who complain about how a female's hair looks. Whether it's short or long, colored or not, fake or real. Natural or relaxed.

And as for orders I don't listen to most ppl anyway.

 

[mj11051]

This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.


eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.

This is the dumbest crap I've ever read. Marriage is a partnership not an obligation to give a husband what he wants. What about what she wants? I'm married and let me say this when I decided to go natural, I didn't ask him if I could I told him I was. This is my hair not his and what I do with it is up to me. I asked my hubby to grow locs because I thought he'd look good in them, he went and got his hair cut and he didn't ask me what I thought, I asked hubby to grow his beard out like it was when we met, he keeps it cut down,think he asked me about it? Marriage ain't about obligations to each other, it's about respecting each other and loving the other person AS THEY ARE and not just what one wants.Thank God my hubby is not so SHALLOW because we probably wouldn't be together. If being natural is me then allow me to be ME.

 

[AfroKink]

Sonce reopened her album?

It says she opened it in July and will be doing updates again!

Lys

 

[msa]

*awaits the padlock*

It is surely coming...

 

[TiffTaff]

If you love it... Keep It! Maybe once it gets past a certain length he'll be more accepting of it ( most black men love long hair ). If you need an alternative telax... don't relax bone straight. That way you get the best of both worlds! You get to keep your texture while attaining some length. HTH

Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.

I know its not about him, its about me and what I like, though feel so discouraged because of the responses and treatment I get on the job, society and now at home. Natural hair where I live is a minority. People look at my 3c hair in my nape and say, "oh, you have "good" hair BACK THERE". The mentality here is that if you have 4a/b hair you look upkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job.

Right now my hair is past should length in the nape to area, 4 inches in the crown, 5 inches on the sides and I have about a 3.5 inch bang area. I want to grow my hair out so it looks like Te'yah Crystal Ke'mayh (sp?). What is her hair type anyway?

I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months. Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

 

[Foxglove]

Everybody is arguing like there are only 2 alternatives
Relaxing isn't the only way to have straight hair
You could just become a pressed natural or consider something less permanent like the BKT
There are other options

 

[Junebug D]

If you don't want to relax, then you shouldn't. I do agree that you should try to work out a compromise. Tell him that you are trying to grow your hair out and (true or not is besides the point) it's much more difficult for you to grow out hair that has been relaxed. Then show him pictures of long-haired naturals that you admire and see if he comes around.

And you can also work out a compromise where you can straighten your hair once a month or ever so often; and then show him the length progress you make as a natural. If you don't want to relax, you have to try to sell the idea to him somehow, that relaxers aren't the best thing for your hair. Good luck.

 

[Neith]

Everybody is arguing like there are only 2 alternatives
Relaxing isn't the only way to have straight hair
You could just become a pressed natural or consider something less permanent like the BKT
There are other options

While those are good options for many people... many naturals don't want to do those things.

I would be afraid of heat damage and loosening of my curl pattern. BKT also can affect your hair texture.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I WANT my natural hair texture intact. That's why I went natural.

 

[msa]

While those are good options for many people... many naturals don't want to do those things.

I would be afraid of heat damage and loosening of my curl pattern. BKT also can affect your hair texture.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I WANT my natural hair texture intact. That's why I went natural.

Exactly.

I know if this were me, heat straightening and BKT wouldn't be an option. I don't even wear straight fake hair.

 

[FluffyRed]

Exactly.

I know if this were me, heat straightening and BKT wouldn't be an option. I don't even wear straight fake hair.

MSA, your hair! Especially the wash n go!!

 

[Foxglove]

While those are good options for many people... many naturals don't want to do those things.

I would be afraid of heat damage and loosening of my curl pattern. BKT also can affect your hair texture.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I WANT my natural hair texture intact. That's why I went natural.

Trust me I understand your point and if it were me I would keep my own hair natural
But in her case if it's something where it's affecting your marriage that much to where a compromise needs to be reached, I would try everything else first (especially temporary things) to avoid getting the relaxer
Maybe just use tons of heat protectant? I dunno

 

[Dommo]

I agree that you and your husband should meet somewhere in the middle. You don't have to relax; there are plenty of salons who can press or flat iron natural hair and it will look as if you had a relaxer. I am going natural but i will be wearing my hair mostly straight because the fro look is just unattractive on me and i know that.

It may seem a little shallow but its important that your husband remains attracted to you and vice versa. It would be different if he were asking for you to get plastic surgery or something but to straighten your hair once in a while is not a big sacrifice to please your husband.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

I'm reading and I can't even fathom the THOUGHT of being weakminded enough to think "Oh well, what hubby says, goes!" No,no,NO! Compromise? Pfftt... he doesn't seem like the compromising type. He's already commanding her to get her hair relaxed and styled. Couldn't be me though because he would have had a swift drop kick to his head.

 

[msa]

MSA, your hair! Especially the wash n go!!

Aww thanks!!!

 

[Ladybelle]

This is the dumbest crap I've ever read. Marriage is a partnership not an obligation to give a husband what he wants. What about what she wants? I'm married and let me say this when I decided to go natural, I didn't ask him if I could I told him I was. This is my hair not his and what I do with it is up to me. I asked my hubby to grow locs because I thought he'd look good in them, he went and got his hair cut and he didn't ask me what I thought, I asked hubby to grow his beard out like it was when we met, he keeps it cut down,think he asked me about it? Marriage ain't about obligations to each other, it's about respecting each other and loving the other person AS THEY ARE and not just what one wants.Thank God my hubby is not so SHALLOW because we probably wouldn't be together. If being natural is me then allow me to be ME.

okay.

 

[keelioness]

Kudos to Asuperwoman for having the courage to post her view.. 21st century or not ..people kinda want what they signed up for.. It would be different if he met u with natural hair.. I know I sure hassle my boyfriend about keepng his hair in a low ceasar..lol. People like what they like its a little stupid but thats how it is. I want to be attracted to my SO and I want him to be attracted to me.. I agree with MSA and the other ladies who say find a happy medium.. but dont say screw his opinioni all together

 

[jennboo]

I'm sorry, uh-uh, no way/no how.

This is just one of those things that DH would have to come to terms with. He would definitely just have to get over it. Him asking you to put a relaxer in your hair is like him asking you to bleach your skin. Would you do that for him?

This is YOU. This is who you are and you should not allow anyone to make you feel less than bc of it.

I understand and kind of agree with the "How i met you and became attracted to you is how you should remain" rhetoric. I can't really be mad about that, lol. This is reason number 473,647,365,765,477 that i opted to go natural. When men approach me, i know they like me for me, who i am naturally, and not a society appeasing, unrealistic version of me.

I say experiment with different natural styles. He is bound to like something. I agree with other posters suggestions about braid outs and twist outs to stretch the hair. Your dh probably just prefers the long hair/stretched hair look on you.

That must be an awful feeling though and i am sorry that you are going through this. It has to be hurtful (i know i would be extremely hurt) if DH didnt enjoy/appreciate my beauty and insisted that i resort to emulating the look of others.

If YOU want to remain natural and are happy with your hair as is, you should keep it natural. BUT if your thinking is aligned with his in terms of natural hair being unacceptable/ugly then you should probably just relax so that the both of you can feel better.

 

[Eiano]

looks unpolished?? ummm no...

*sigh* I just about agree with EVERYONE in this thread. Including asuperwoman....

...but the compromise suggestion is the best. How would you feel about going to a natural hair salon to get your hair pressed lightly every now and then? It has it's risks... (hair becoming permanently strraight), but every now and then when you go out?

 

[jennboo]

MSA!!! This is the first time i'm seeing your siggy. Your hair is beautiful!

 

[aribell]

Lemme rephrase the question - since when does a man in love start bossing his wife around about her appearance?

I know schoolboys are superficial and look at women as an object to up their status, but a grown married man? Not just expressing a preference, but giving orders? That's a new one on me.

I don't know about giving orders, that seems a bit much, but most black men that I've known, old and young alike have expressed clear preferences/opinons about women and hair. And I have had more than one expressly say or imply that I should do x,y, or z with my hair, especially when it was natural.

It sounds like your husband feels that your hair is reflecting poorly on you in some way, and it's not purely about what he likes, necessarily. Even as someone who has had these same conversations with family as a natural, I think it's too easy to dismiss people who don't like it as being out of touch.

Unfortunately, what looks "polished" is defined by certain cultural norms, and natural hair hasn't become a part of that look in everyone's eyes. I had a black boss that clearly didn't like my twist-outs just as much as he didn't like another black employee's colorful wigs. People still haven't come to see natural as just another way to wear hair.

I agree with the poster who suggested going through an album of natural styles and picking out which look best to him. There are definitely ways of doing cornrows, flat twists, etc. that look genuinely sophisticated. He just may not have had much exposure to them.

 

[Neith]

Trust me I understand your point and if it were me I would keep my own hair natural
But in her case if it's something where it's affecting your marriage that much to where a compromise needs to be reached, I would try everything else first (especially temporary things) to avoid getting the relaxer
Maybe just use tons of heat protectant? I dunno

I get your point too.

I don't think that the choice of wearing your natural hair should negatively affect a marriage though.

Who says that a husband HAS to approve of his wife's hair?

Of course it would be nice if he likes it, but just because you're my husband doesn't mean I have to do things to my body that I don't want to do.

ETA:

I'm not saying to screw his opinion. For me, temporary straightening/BTK is not a happy medium. I have good reason not to want to do it.

For some, it may be the right way to go. For a lot of people, it's just not something we want to do to our hair under any cirumstances.

Like... most people here wouldn't go dye their hair blond because hubby liked blond hair.

It's not simply asking for a new style... it's a drastic change for some. That can have bad consequences.