Dealing with ex's and their new loves...

[Lymegreen]

I don't mean to come off as insensitive but I think this is a prime example for why people advise others to cut off their ex's completely and for good when the relationships are over.

He is taking too much of your space. In the future, to avoid this kind of drama cut things completely off at the break up so you don't have to worry about this kind of thing.

As for this situation. You need to cut the guy off. Not for anything other than you don't need this ish in your life.

He's runnng around thinkin he's the **** and you and HER continue to stick around. Her for being in the room that night and YOU if you keep talking to this fool.

 

[CaraWalker]

I don't mean to come off as insensitive but I think this is a prime example for why people advise others to cut off their ex's completely and for good when the relationships are over.

He is taking too much of your space. In the future, to avoid this kind of drama cut things completely off at the break up so you don't have to worry about this kind of thing.

As for this situation. You need to cut the guy off. Not for anything other than you don't need this ish in your life.

He's runnng around thinkin he's the **** and you and HER continue to stick around. Her for being in the room that night and YOU if you keep talking to this fool.

ugh. tell me about it. my ex and i had a bad breakup. he spiraled on it a little and for awhile would drunk text me trying to provoke me into saying or doing more mean and hurtful things to him. finally one night he texted me saying "you win, im sad" (we broke up because he wasnt as invested in the relationship as i wanted him to be and i ended up stepping out on him). then like a week or so later he just started messaging me like nothing had happened and we were still friends. i wanted to cut all contact but i felt bad for ignoring him completely knowing i kind of ****ed him over in the end so i would reply back, not enough to make him think we were friends but enough that i wasn't outright ignoring him.

so one day he was texting me while i was out and i finally said, come over and hang out with us. we went to a bar and i felt bad because while he was always on the immature side, he looked like he had started to regress on what little adult maturity he'd managed to achieve. then he said his professor hates me because he had asked what was wrong with him and why he was so sad and he told him it was because of a bad breakup. (i was thrilled that he was so miserable even random people like teachers asked him what was wrong. but we broke up because you didnt really want to be with me, why is your crybaby *** all sad about us not being together now? ) but i had a date later that night and when i left for it he started acting cold.

we went back to the stiff texting (i was trying to limit contact) and eventually things started to go cold between us again. the last time we talked he cussed me out again, so i guess he hates me again even though the only reason we stayed in contact was because he insisted on continually messaging me i told him i was blocking him from everything because i didnt want to hear anything else from him

 

[Mai Tai]

Kinky you really need to grow up something serious.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Some of you are acting like it's such a crime to remain in contact with an ex. I'm not justifying what happened but that was the first incident and now I've learn to take a step back. I'm not hanging out with these ex's it's just when they call I do talk to them. This particular ex I was keeping it friendly and listening to his words because I considered taking him back, that is why this bothered me. The two exes I keep around have done so much in the past for me and as a single woman if I need a male to help me move or clean the snow off my car my male friends are there to help. Though I try to do things on my own they have helped over the years. These are not just people that were passing but they are important to me.

 

[ThickHair]

Some of you are acting like it's such a crime to remain in contact with an ex. I'm not justifying what happened but that was the first incident and now I've learn to take a step back. I'm not hanging out with these ex's it's just when they call I do talk to them. This particular ex I was keeping it friendly and listening to his words because I considered taking him back, that is why this bothered me. The two exes I keep around have done so much in the past for me and as a single woman if I need a male to help me move or clean the snow off my car my male friends are there to help. Though I try to do things on my own they have helped over the years. These are not just people that were passing but they are important to me.

Kinkyhairlady It isn't like we are trying to make it a federal case, but he needs to grow on his own and you trying to assist him doesn't work. I managed to become friends with my exhusband, but we keep it light. We were seperated for 2 years before the divorce that I wanted became final. Whenever we spoke during that time it was fireworks. After the divorce was granted and 2+ years later we became cordial and can have a conversation and joke around, but it wasn't something that was instant oatmeal. Also we had a clean break, no sex with the ex to playing around seeing what was going to happen. Done is done and it took a while to come full circle. We had been together for 12 years, 7 of those married.

Friendships take time and you just have to wait it out. We are not in constant contact with each other, that would delay future relationships, but I am proud to say I do not have a crazy ex-husband.

 

[metro_qt]

Some of you are acting like it's such a crime to remain in contact with an ex. I'm not justifying what happened but that was the first incident and now I've learn to take a step back. I'm not hanging out with these ex's it's just when they call I do talk to them. This particular ex I was keeping it friendly and listening to his words because I considered taking him back, that is why this bothered me. The two exes I keep around have done so much in the past for me and as a single woman if I need a male to help me move or clean the snow off my car my male friends are there to help. Though I try to do things on my own they have helped over the years. These are not just people that were passing but they are important to me.

The ex is an ex for a reason....
Keep it that way!

If he was such a great friend, he would have been a great and attentive friend during the relationship and you both would not have broken up.

You both have the same issues that remain unresolved since the relationship, and being friends isn't going to clear it up. (As you have clearly seen last night)

Make new friends, leave him alone, and stop relying on men to do stuff for you like cleaning your car... (Get yourself anAAA membership and a snow brush)

 

[CaraWalker]

Some of you are acting like it's such a crime to remain in contact with an ex. I'm not justifying what happened but that was the first incident and now I've learn to take a step back. I'm not hanging out with these ex's it's just when they call I do talk to them. This particular ex I was keeping it friendly and listening to his words because I considered taking him back, that is why this bothered me. The two exes I keep around have done so much in the past for me and as a single woman if I need a male to help me move or clean the snow off my car my male friends are there to help. Though I try to do things on my own they have helped over the years. These are not just people that were passing but they are important to me.

its not a crime, just extremely foolish, and you look really foolish for doing it

 

[DarkJoy]

I didn't have a man for 3years. I keep cash in an emergency fund to pay service men to do and repair stuff around my house. It's a necessity for all single women to be able to do this on their own or pay folks for it.

Who needs an ex around hoping to get *ss for helping or keeping conversation with you. That's what's on all their minds for the slightest thing.

That's single woman knowledge 101.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

its not a crime, just extremely foolish, and you look really foolish for doing it

I don't see it as foolish if nothing is going on. We've both dated he happens to be dating now and this happened. I can't be mad at him he is living his life. I have male friends some have wives, gf, fiancés I don't see it's a big deal as long as all parties are respectable towards each other. In this case I let the situation get the best of me but no more. I had a weak moment letting that drama get to me. Like I said I'm keeping my distance.

 

[CaraWalker]

i know you dont see it as foolish

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I didn't have a man for 3years. I keep cash in an emergency find to pay service men to do and repair stuff around my house. It's a necessity for all single women to be able to do this on their own or pay folks for it. Who needs an ex around hoping to get *ss for helping or keeping conversation with you. That's what's on all their minds for the slightest thing. That's single woman knowledge 101. ____________ *.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

I do the same but sometimes you are in a emergency and service person can't help. Once my car got stuck in the driveway in snow and my ex did come get it out. 2 hrs in the cold trying to get it and he even drove it to get the tires changed. Didn't ask for nothing from me. That's just the type of dude he is. They will help anyone in need which is what I admired about them. I've had other ex's who were worthless and needless to say we are not in contact anymore.

 

[hopeful]

But you can't have male friends that aren't exes? The main issue is that you wanted to hold onto that other guy who was drama drama for what? And this guy you've broken up with twice and have to keep him as a friend, by any means necessary, even if he is a liar and a punk, got girls cursing you out and stuff. You are going to wake up and turn 40 and wonder why you spent so much time on drama, exes who have other women, "friends" who blocked you from having a happy, fulfilled life. If this is what you want, it's okay. When this guy brings even more drama into your life just enjoy it. His friendship is obviously worth it. None of us even know you IRL but we all took the time to respond to YOUR thread because YOU asked, and believe it or not, WE actually care. Good luck with everything: this friend, all of your exes, and all of their girlfriends. It probably all makes for an exciting life, kinda like a soap opera or a reality tv program .

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I stopped reading at the beginning of the third paragraph. What is this...? erplexed

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

But you can't have male friends that aren't exes? The main issue is that you wanted to hold onto that other guy who was drama drama for what? And this guy you've broken up with twice and have to keep him as a friend, by any means necessary, even if he is a liar and a punk, got girls cursing you out and stuff. You are going to wake up and turn 40 and wonder why you spent so much time on drama, exes who have other women, "friends" who blocked you from having a happy, fulfilled life. If this is what you want, it's okay. When this guy brings even more drama into your life just enjoy it. His friendship is obviously worth it. None of us even know you IRL but we all took the time to respond to YOUR thread because YOU asked, and believe it or not, WE actually care. Good luck with everything: this friend, all of your exes, and all of their girlfriends. It probably all makes for an exciting life, kinda like a soap opera or a reality tv program .

I appreciate the advice I got here trust me and like I said I will keep my distance just be cordial. This ex I have to be truthful I was the one stringing him along and could not make up my mind so we would be together and I'd breakup with him if he called to much or smothered me. I hurt him to the core. He's kind of moved on or is trying so it's not like he's a horrible person just was not smart what he did last night. I will not be putting myself in a position to let him sweet talk me nor will I be calling. If he calls I'll limit the conversations cause I don't want my feelings to get involved.

 

[hopeful]

Also, why are you defending exes broadly? Aren't we specifically talking about this guy? If you already have a few super duper wonderful guy friends who adore you and will always help you in a pinch and there is no drama at all, great, keep them. But that has nothing to do with this guy.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Also, why are you defending exes broadly? Aren't we specifically talking about this guy? If you already have a few super duper wonderful guy friends who adore you and will always help you in a pinch and there is no drama at all, great, keep them. But that has nothing to do with this guy.

Because they all are men. One of my closest male friend girl disrespected me years ago. I needed him to take me to the hospital and he agreed but she called me to say oh her man is busy and can't take me. I remember crying cause I felt I had no one to help that time but he checked her and brought me to the hospital. Fast forward 10 years they are married and me and her are the best of friends. Her husband used to be in love with me but I was not interested. If I had cut him off back then I would have missed out on both of their friendships. My point is that if someone screws up once due to a mistake you can give them a second chance. What happened was def drama but it was only once out if the 8 years I've known dude. I've done much worse to him and he continues to keep me around.

 

[hopeful]

I appreciate the advice I got here trust me and like I said I will keep my distance just be cordial. This ex I have to be truthful I was the one stringing him along and could not make up my mind so we would be together and I'd breakup with him if he called to much or smothered me. I hurt him to the core. He's kind of moved on or is trying so it's not like he's a horrible person just was not smart what he did last night. I will not be putting myself in a position to let him sweet talk me nor will I be calling. If he calls I'll limit the conversations cause I don't want my feelings to get involved.

Thank you for the reply Kinkyhairlady. I really like you. That is why I have replied to your threads so often. You remind me of a good friend I have. She's pretty, smart, has a great career, but makes odd choices relationship-wise and always ends up dissatisfied but interestingly like you will fight tooth and nail to make bad relationship decisions, and then later is sorry and wants advice, and then does it again and again but literally is smart in every other area of her life. She is now almost 50 and never can figure out the problem. I love her but I finally gave up trying to help because I know she won't listen.

 

[Mai Tai]

Kinky,

I can't speak for everyone else so i'm going to tell you why I'm getting on your case and why I told you that you need to grow up.

First of all…you stated yourself that it would be bothersome to you if you were to be enemies with one of your exes which is a little girl mentality. The fact that you choose to be such a people pleaser, regardless of how foolish and thirsty it makes you look is sad. You have such a deep desire to remain in the lives of men who, by your words, appear to not really give a sh-t about you that your self-respect and your sense of being a grown woman tend take the back seat.

Second of all…You start a thread about dealing with "Exes and their new loves" as if NOT dealing with them has never crossed your mind. Then you post some old hosed down, low self esteem having bull about you repeatedly calling a man who is clearly spending time with another woman. Has it EVER dawned on you that IF he wanted to be with you that his actions would have reflected that? He would have found a way to be in your presence during the holidays or not have risked losing you by being with another woman who you know darn well is more then just a friend.

Third of all…It's like you fall for the okie doke EACH AND EVERY TIME with men. Like you never learn. The man in this post is telling you that he wants to be with you, yet he is in the company of ANOTHER WOMAN. You were secretly considering giving him another chance even though he has done nothing but lay a bunch of pipe dreams. Girl wake up!

THIS is why I'm being hard on you. You have got to get it together...

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Thank you for the reply Kinkyhairlady. I really like you. That is why I have replied to your threads so often. You remind me of a good friend I have. She's pretty, smart, has a great career, but makes odd choices relationship-wise and always ends up dissatisfied but interestingly like you will fight tooth and nail to make bad relationship decisions, and then later is sorry and wants advice, and then does it again and again but literally is smart in every other area of her life. She is now almost 50 and never can figure out the problem. I love her but I finally gave up trying to help because I know she won't listen.

Thank you hopeful

Believe I know my faults and I'm working on them. I've learned a lot on this board. Although I make weird decisions at times I know better than to go to deep and get out. I have my wall up despite what I say on here. Taking it day by day.

 

[tolly]

I stopped myself from replying to this thread several times....since the first three posts and I keep refreshing the page and reading additional responses from you and I can't stop smh. So many previous posters can see clearly where you are being inappropriate and not looking out for your best interest and we are trying to make you see how this looks.....people have different posting styles, some people have been blunt with you and some are compassionate but we have all said the same thing 'move on and you aren't helping yourself'.
I hesitated to post because I don't have anything new to say, its all being expressed earlier, I just hope you'll come back to this thread and see that we trying to help and that you'll be happier and make more progress with your relationships if you change some of your actions/attitude.... what you are doing isn't making you happy, what would it hurt to try something new?

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Kinky, I can't speak for everyone else so i'm going to tell you why I'm getting on your case and why I told you that you need to grow up. First of all…you stated yourself that it would be bothersome to you if you were to be enemies with one of your exes which is a little girl mentality. The fact that you choose to be such a people pleaser, regardless of how foolish and thirsty it makes you look is sad. You have such a deep desire to remain in the lives of men who, by your words, appear to not really give a sh-t about you that your self-respect and your sense of being a grown woman tend take the back seat. Second of all…You start a thread about dealing with "Exes and their new loves" as if NOT dealing with them has never crossed your mind. Then you post some old hosed down, low self esteem having bull about you repeatedly calling a man who is clearly spending time with another woman. Third of all…It's like you fall for the okie done EACH AND EVERY TIME with men. Like you never learn. The man in this post is telling you that he wants to be with you, yet he is in the company of ANOTHER WOMAN. You were secretly considering giving him another chance even though he has done nothing but lay a bunch of pipe dreams. Girl wake up! THIS is why I'm being hard on you. You have got to get it together...

Mai Tai

I respect your opinion of me. Though I don't consider anything I did desperate or thirsty. Me and him are not together do he could be with whomever he wants, is he not suppose to live his life if I tell him I don't want a relationship? Yes I was considering it but I was keeping my eyes open to see if anything shady was going on and well here it is so I'm over it. I remain in contact with him and another ex because despite some issues we had the are good people so I see no harm in that. I slipped up with him the past few months but prior to that I was not affected by what he was up to. Maybe it was the holiday season or something.

 

[Lymegreen]

I think I get it.

They are good people. It is you who is actually the one who is stringing them along. At first you pretend or maybe start most relationships not sure if you want a relationship. So, you string them along until you eventually realize that it won't work. But not before they have taken some punishment from you and have shown signs that they will be there for you incase you need roadside assistance or need help moving furniture.

It makes sense - because you don't want them anyway. They are nice guys who you want to collect as friends.

Do you have male friends who didn't originally pursue you sexually?

 

[Mai Tai]

Mai Tai

I respect your opinion of me. Though I don't consider anything I did desperate or thirsty. Me and him are not together do he could be with whomever he wants, is he not suppose to live his life if I tell him I don't want a relationship? Yes I was considering it but I was keeping my eyes open to see if anything shady was going on and well here it is so I'm over it. I remain in contact with him and another ex because despite some issues we had the are good people so I see no harm in that. I slipped up with him the past few months but prior to that I was not affected by what he was up to. Maybe it was the holiday season or something.

See THIS…this is the thirst I speak of. If you all aren't together then what shadiness is there to detect? He was kicking it with another woman…case closed. But noooooooo…you kept calling him back to get more answers when the fact remains that he owed you nothing. Then you use this perceived shadiness/deceit as a means to rule the man out as if he was an option to begin with. My head is starting to swim…I'm done...

 

[SamandI]

You're going to encounter the wrong "love" one day and end up with slashed tires or worse. You sound like the female "friend" girlfriends dread.

 

[CaraWalker]

You're going to encounter the wrong "love" one day and end up with slashed tires or worse. You sound like the female "friend" girlfriends dread.

i would definitely stop dating a man if i knew his dumb *** had a dumb *** girl like this hanging on in the background (not referring to you specifically op). i dated a man that frequently referred back to past relationships and exes and i should have realized what a huge red flag that was, even though they were no longer in any contact.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I think I get it. They are good people. It is you who is actually the one who is stringing them along. At first you pretend or maybe start most relationships not sure if you want a relationship. So, you string them along until you eventually realize that it won't work. But not before they have taken some punishment from you and have shown signs that they will be there for you incase you need roadside assistance or need help moving furniture. It makes sense - because you don't want them anyway. They are nice guys who you want to collect as friends. Do you have male friends who didn't originally pursue you sexually?

Nope all my male friends ended up being friends cause I put them in the friend zone and this dating back to college.

 

[ambergirl]

What did I just read?

I don't even see why dealing with this man is up for debate.

 

[MzLady78]

See THIS…this is the thirst I speak of. If you all aren't together then what shadiness is there to detect? He was kicking it with another woman…case closed. But noooooooo…you kept calling him back to get more answers when the fact remains that he owed you nothing. Then you use this perceived shadiness/deceit as a means to rule the man out as if he was an option to begin with. My head is starting to swim…I'm done...

On Christmas at that.

 

[LovelyRo]

OP I do think he's a jerk! Moreso because she played his "special friend" though. You say he was being shady but, you have also let him know that you aren't interested so, it shouldn't even matter that he's dating someone else. You don't want him right? Is it the attention? Sometimes we keep the lines of communication open with guys that we know we aren't interested in just for the attention! I have an Ex that periodically calls me (at work, no caller ID), he tells me he loves and misses me all the time! I KNOW this man has a GF, I'm not offended! I'm actually glad that he has someone because I know eventually, he will leave me alone... That brings me back to my question... Do you like the attention???

 

[Lymegreen]

Nope all my male friends ended up being friends cause I put them in the friend zone and this dating back to college.

I was being sarcastic and probably shouldn't have been. I really don't understand.

We have different value systems.

But, it is something to think about... I mean how what you value utimately colors what you do and don't do.

It seems like you just HAD to know if he was going to "check" her. As, one of your other friends did with his future wife (your friend). So, you kept calling.

While someone else wouldn't even value him at all and kept it moving.