Dating Someone with Children

[missty1029]

Ok so I met someone and so far its great but he has kids. I don't have any. So my first reaction was ohh no! But as I come to think about it, I am wondering why am I saying oh no.

Hes a dedicated father and his kids are from a marriage. He is now divorced. As I have gotten older, and meet older guys, having children is a little more common. But people especially those without kids say its baggage.

What makes kids baggage? Is is crazy baby mommas? Yea sure. Is is the fact that he has another financial obligation? yes sure.

So for the ladies who have gotten into relationships with someone who has kids when you didn't what was the good and the bad. I know there have to be good stories as all baby mommas are not crazy!

 

[DKO]

Ok so I met someone and so far its great but he has kids. I don't have any. So my first reaction was ohh no! But as I come to think about it, I am wondering why am I saying oh no.

Hes a dedicated father and his kids are from a marriage. He is now divorced. As I have gotten older, and meet older guys, having children is a little more common. But people especially those without kids say its baggage.

What makes kids baggage? Is is crazy baby mommas? Yea sure. Is is the fact that he has another financial obligation? yes sure.

So for the ladies who have gotten into relationships with someone who has kids when you didn't what was the good and the bad. I know there have to be good stories as all baby mommas are not crazy!

My dh had a child when we met & was keeping his child during the week, with the ex keeping ds on weekends. One reason I was attracted to him is because he made his son a priority and told me about him from the beginning. His son was 3 when we met. I also got the opportunity to see how he would be as a father first hand. We are now married with our own dd. I've been in his son's life now for 5 years.

Me and ds have a GREAT relationship. Our situation is a little different in that dh got full custody of ds so he is in our home except for 2 weekends a month when he goes with his mother. That said, I have more than earned my mother certificate (caring for him when he is sick, school work, doctor's appts., etc....). DS tells me several times a day that he loves me and I'm the best mom.

NOW....on the flip side - ds mother . This chick is OFF the HOOK!!!!! Dh had to take her to court for full custody and at the beginning she would call the house (until I checked her one day and let her know she wasn't going to be calling all disrespectful & also that's when she found out he got married. So she stopped calling the house). Long story short, she got a DUI on the Thurs. before her visitation weekend and didn't show up (she had a history of not showing up though) so that's when dh filed for full custody. All I'm going to say is she is JUST like Britney Spears!! Didn't show up to the deposition, didn't show up to court, etc... So now she pays child support (and it's a good amount too) & has little visitation. So you would think she would go somewhere right? This chick goes and has ANOTHER baby last July, the father (who was suppose to move in with her ended up cussing her out and bounced after she had ds), so she sends her 3 month old out of state to her parents (he's been there since Oct. & is suppose to come back in March). During this time she's busy partying and dating. She just married some dude that she met probably @ the time she sent her baby away and now I think she is pregnant with that dude's baby. DRAMA!!!!!!!! She is the type of chick who is all about appearences, trying to get or trap a man by having a child, could really care less about her children.

But there are ways to avoid the drama. First of all, my dh refuses to deal with her. If it's anything regarding ds, he will send a text or email. When she picks ds up for her weekend, I always open the door. She knows she is not allowed inside our home. Dh & I do not speak to her at all, even if we are all at the same event. We will speak to her new hubby & he tries to have convos with us but she gets no love. So really we don't deal with her at all and it's worked out great for us. As long as boundaries are established early on, you can usually avoid drama. It also depends on the relationship your new guy has with his baby's mama too. Hope this doesn't scare you. All of this has happened over 5 years and by us going through the stress of taking legal action up front, we will have peace now for years to come.

 

[The Girl]

My dh had a child when we met & was keeping his child during the week, with the ex keeping ds on weekends. One reason I was attracted to him is because he made his son a priority and told me about him from the beginning. His son was 3 when we met. I also got the opportunity to see how he would be as a father first hand. We are now married with our own dd. I've been in his son's life now for 5 years.

Me and ds have a GREAT relationship. Our situation is a little different in that dh got full custody of ds so he is in our home except for 2 weekends a month when he goes with his mother. That said, I have more than earned my mother certificate (caring for him when he is sick, school work, doctor's appts., etc....). DS tells me several times a day that he loves me and I'm the best mom.

NOW....on the flip side - ds mother . This chick is OFF the HOOK!!!!! Dh had to take her to court for full custody and at the beginning she would call the house (until I checked her one day and let her know she wasn't going to be calling all disrespectful & also that's when she found out he got married. So she stopped calling the house). Long story short, she got a DUI on the Thurs. before her visitation weekend and didn't show up (she had a history of not showing up though) so that's when dh filed for full custody. All I'm going to say is she is JUST like Britney Spears!! Didn't show up to the deposition, didn't show up to court, etc... So now she pays child support (and it's a good amount too) & has little visitation. So you would think she would go somewhere right? This chick goes and has ANOTHER baby last July, the father (who was suppose to move in with her ended up cussing her out and bounced after she had ds), so she sends her 3 month old out of state to her parents (he's been there since Oct. & is suppose to come back in March). During this time she's busy partying and dating. She just married some dude that she met probably @ the time she sent her baby away and now I think she is pregnant with that dude's baby. DRAMA!!!!!!!! She is the type of chick who is all about appearences, trying to get or trap a man by having a child, could really care less about her children.

But there are ways to avoid the drama. First of all, my dh refuses to deal with her. If it's anything regarding ds, he will send a text or email. When she picks ds up for her weekend, I always open the door. She knows she is not allowed inside our home. Dh & I do not speak to her at all, even if we are all at the same event. We will speak to her new hubby & he tries to have convos with us but she gets no love. So really we don't deal with her at all and it's worked out great for us. As long as boundaries are established early on, you can usually avoid drama. It also depends on the relationship your new guy has with his baby's mama too. Hope this doesn't scare you. All of this has happened over 5 years and by us going through the stress of taking legal action up front, we will have peace now for years to come.

Yes Yes and Yes! I think it is very paramount that your new friend has cut his emotional (good and bad) ties to ex wife/childs mom early otherwise...Drama! The setting a precident in court is very important too.

 

[SouthernJewel]

I’m dating a guy with kids (2). For now, I will reserve my judgement as it is a fairly new relationship. In the past, I have been adamant about NOT dating men with children. But honestly these days, most men have children. I’m not going to pass up a possibly great man because he has children. As long as he is taking care of them and still able to keep me happy ($$$) , im cool. But we shall see how this goes…

 

[missty1029]

Thanks DKO!

I agree with not letting a great person go because of kids. Especially when you have someone who is awesome parent and doing what they have to do.

 

[caltron]

Ok so I met someone and so far its great but he has kids. I don't have any. So my first reaction was ohh no! But as I come to think about it, I am wondering why am I saying oh no.

Hes a dedicated father and his kids are from a marriage. He is now divorced. As I have gotten older, and meet older guys, having children is a little more common. But people especially those without kids say its baggage.

What makes kids baggage? Is is crazy baby mommas? Yea sure. Is is the fact that he has another financial obligation? yes sure.

So for the ladies who have gotten into relationships with someone who has kids when you didn't what was the good and the bad. I know there have to be good stories as all baby mommas are not crazy!

My fiance has 4 children--3 biological kids with his ex-wife, plus his ex-wife's biological daughter, whom he adopted as his own daughter when the child's biological dad didn't step up to the plate. With my fiance, part of how I knew he was a good guy was by how he loved and raised the kids and how well behaved and adjusted they were. I haven't yet experienced any of the drama that sometimes comes with dating a divorced man with children.

Kids definitely aren't baggage, but when you are with a person with a kid, you not only have to love your mate but love his children and be accepting of the children's mother. You have to be able to accept that there are times when his kids are the priority. Sometimes the roles aren't as defined as when you have two singles getting together on their first marriage. So I think a lot of people don't like the "messiness" of it all. The thing I have realized, though, in my dating life is that any relationship, with or without kids is going to be messy.

 

[kinkicurlyfyne]

It wouldn't be a problem if he was in the children's lives.
Now if he was like my cousin, who has 13 kids and counting.....
Yeah.

 

[Farida]

Sometimes it isn't just the kids' mother.

it is the children themselves. Sometimes kids just don't take kindly to having a new authority figure in their lives. They are used to dad, are used to mom. They don't want you bringing something new into their lives.

Not to mention the problems that arise if and when you choose to have your own kids. The truth is, you can treat someone else's kids well, but deep down, even though not visible, you'll never feel the same way about them as you do your own. So you have to be careful not to show favoritism. Regular kids sometimes get jealous when parents have more kids (because young ones need more attention), stepkids adds another layer of complication. There may be things you and DH would feel OK for your kids, while the stepkids' mom doesn't. So you may have to apply all those rules to all the kids to prevent drama.

Also, your boo may be done with having kids and doesn't want to have any more, while you want more.

The biggest piece of advice I would give you - I don't have kids but I have seen the drama in my extended family:

Make sure your man knows how to put his foot down. The bio dad needs to be the primary disciplinarian, not you. You will be trying to balance building a rapport with them with disciplining them. If your man doesn't step up to the plate in disciplining them, you will be painted the bad guy. I can guarantee you that. So make sure y'all are on the same page.

 

[Britt]

I've never dated anyone with children.. however, the person i'm seeing has a 6 yr old child that lives out of state... but the child might move here to live with him for 1 yr. I'm happy that he will be closer to his son, so far the only thing that kinda comes to my mind is whether or not the child will like me... ahh, I might have minimal interaction with his son, we'll see. A 6/7 yr old might be kinda set in their ways already...

 

[scorpio70]

I always look at the age of the kids as the determination. For instance, this weekend, I met this seemingly great guy. He seemed really on point...almost too much so. (but that's another topic)

Anyway, I asked if he had kids. "Yes - a son." "How old is he?" "8 months". That for me was a red flag.

I always think that when the kid is under 5 years old, one or both of the parents can get overcome with 'we could be a family' warm and fuzzy feeling at some point. And its just drama for anyone trying to date either parent.

Now, this guy turned out to be married. Why he was on a weekend trip without his ring and kicking it with a bunch of singles??? beyond me.

ESPECIALLY with a new baby at home. I just wanted to drop kick him. But again, that's another topic.

 

[lexi08]

I always look at the age of the kids as the determination. For instance, this weekend, I met this seemingly great guy. He seemed really on point...almost too much so. (but that's another topic)

Anyway, I asked if he had kids. "Yes - a son." "How old is he?" "8 months". That for me was a red flag.

I always think that when the kid is under 5 years old, one or both of the parents can get overcome with 'we could be a family' warm and fuzzy feeling at some point. And its just drama for anyone trying to date either parent.

Now, this guy turned out to be married. Why he was on a weekend trip without his ring and kicking it with a bunch of singles??? beyond me.

ESPECIALLY with a new baby at home. I just wanted to drop kick him. But again, that's another topic.

I don't mind a man with a child or 2 depending on the guy. I am a mom myself. But I don't date men with young kids for exactly the reasons you stated, plus my son is 19 so I really am not trying to be a step mom to an infant or toddler.

 

[sky_blu]

I've never dated anyone with children.. however, the person i'm seeing has a 6 yr old child that lives out of state... but the child might move here to live with him for 1 yr. I'm happy that he will be closer to his son, so far the only thing that kinda comes to my mind is whether or not the child will like me... ahh, I might have minimal interaction with his son, we'll see. A 6/7 yr old might be kinda set in their ways already...

I have a 6/7 year old and at that age they are definitely not stuck in there ways I met my stepmother around that age and I LOVED her to death until my teen years. Pre-teens and teens is the age range you want to stay away from.

But to answer the OP's question, I think the main reason is the baby mother's. You don't want to have to deal with the BS from the BM doing dumb stuff. I don't mind dating guys with children if they are at a minimum and the mother is the same. When you get to multiples that when it starts getting out of control. The last guy I dealt with who had kids had 2 BM's and 3 kids....Now he's up to 4 kids and 3 BM's I dont consider kids baggage I think Im moreso turned off by BM drama, not that there is always drama with every BM but its more likely.

 

[Angelicus]

Hello. I am currently in a serious relationship with a man with a daughter (5) and a son (4). Me and him were friends for nine months before dating, so I knew what I was getting myself into.

When we first started dating the kids were with their mother. A few months later he was awarded full custody of the children. My SO is very responsible and takes care of his children. The mother of his children lives overseas and when she's in the states she will be living in a different state. He thought I was going to leave him when the kids came but I love them to death.

I know everyone's situation is different. Mine is very good. I do not consider these kids baggage at all. They make my life fun.

It really depends on how serious you and the guy are. If you two just started dating, just give him a chance to explain his situation.(full custody, joint, summer). My point is, just give him a chance. Every situation is different. If you want to talk about it via PM, I'm here for you.

 

[missty1029]

Thank you for sharing the good stories. from what I know so far, it seems like he has a really good relationship with his ex-wife. Then have been divorced for 7 years now so Im sure things took time. I'm taking things day by day but I am going to give it a try. I appreciate that he can admit what he did wrong in his marriage and what he has learned from it. And how important his kids are too him and his goal is to be the best father he can be.