Dating Someone Who Just Doesn't Get It

[Theresamonet]

time and time again it has been proven you can't say anything about your relationship on here because it will get taken out of context. its sad that you can't get help from most members on here especially after they are all for helping women if color :rollseyes: they will always have you believe your man is cheating, controlling, and abusive. these threads are entertaining but not the way they go in on all the Ops. But i do think some was giving their honest opinions and some are just crap starters and need entertainment in their lives. i hope the outcome turns out the way you want!

Girl stop. Since when has it become unsupportive to tell a woman that her man is likely cheating on her? This is not a case where the op complains about her SO leaving the toilet seat up, and everyone tells her to dump him. The op has presented several red flags, and my intuition is telling me that he is on some bullsh!t. I'm not saying this to be a meanie; this is what I truly think.


It's really no shade to the op if her man is cheating. It happens.

I don't think this is the case. When people ask for relationship advice on here, they first tell the story from their point-of-view which will always present them as the one "in the right." Then when the criticism of their partner starts coming in they backtrack and say "well he didn't exactly say that" or "he really isn't like this all of the time." What do people expect when we're only given one person's side of the story? Most relationship problems can be solved by just sitting down and talking to your partner without getting anyone else involved. By the time you bring your story here, and present it to strangers, we're going to assume that there is something else going on behind-the-scenes that just talking isn't going to resolve.

Absolutely. People asking for "advice" in the relationship forum ALWAYS go into defense mode when they don't hear what they want. They suddenly start trying to turn **** into sugar. By the end of the thread their relationship is perfect.

Everything the op has presented points to this man not being into her... But I'm wrong for saying that, when she's the one who asked.

 

[Lilmama1011]

bottom line, when in doubt don't put relationship stories on here. it seems it never turns out right for most. like i said some will give you genuine advice and some will make something out of nothing. but i do understand when some make their man out to be a monster and then takes up for him when they don't hear what they want. but after a while it seems like bashing instead of support during these hard times. everyone doesn't have tough skin on here. you can tell a person they are getting played in a nicer way or think they are getting played. idk maybe its because I'm a very empathetic person, i can tell a person something without making them feel like im attacking them and they are getting backed up in a corner

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

bottom line, when in doubt don't put relationship stories on here. it seems it never turns out right for most. like i said some will give you genuine advice and some will make something out of nothing. but i do understand when some make their man out to be a monster and then takes up for him when they don't hear what they want. but after a while it seems like bashing instead of support during these hard times. everyone doesn't have tough skin on here. you can tell a person they are getting played in a nicer way or think they are getting played. idk maybe its because I'm a very empathetic person, i can tell a person something without making them feel like im attacking them and they are getting backed up in a corner

Well she already did. I don't feel anyone attacked OP. I think people are more confused than anything, not sure if the miscommunication is from OP or her man. *shrug*

 

[rabs77]

Earlier that day, I told him that I wanted to spend the night at his place.

...........

However, when we arrived back in town, he goes to his apartment first. I'm thinking, "um, shouldn't we be dropping his mom off first?" I didn't say anything, but I eventually saw that he obviously didn't hear a word I said that morning because now his mom was asking if I was going to take her home. I looked at him and asked him, "Am I?"

She looked caught in the middle and I'm feeling confused. He jokes and says, "Mom, do you trust her driving?" [Insert stupid laughter in here]

.........

I texted him and said that I really wanted to spend the night with him - something I definitely don't make a habit of considering how I was raised. He responded saying, "I thought you were kidding. You're more than welcome to come back or any other day this week. It's up to you."

..........

I'm tired of glossing over his cluelessness. Please advise before I start throwing things at his head to knock some sense into it. He's either gonna get it or he's gonna get it!

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

OP..I think it makes you feel better to think he is "clueless" rather than "he heard me but didn't want me to stay the night".

Based on his response when his mother asked who was driving her home AND his response to your text it's very clear that he heard but ignored you because he didn't want you there that night. Now it could be because he was tired...someone else was coming through....he didn't wanna deal with a hard on without going the whole way...whatever the case....he didn't want you there that night. He was not being CLUELESS.


Now I don't know why he didn't want you there but you have to be honest with yourself. Sounds like these "clueless" situations happen quite frequently. Sounds like a classic case of him not being that into you. Sorry hon!

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

One more time! I want to have sex with him. I ain't giving him mixed signals. He knows how I feel. That right moment hasn't happened yet is all. We shared a bed while we were out of town. I've spent the night at his apartment once before. I'm gonna work this out ASAP and post it in bold so new posters who come in will know where we are relationship-wise.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

My advice won't be popular. The first time you have sex probably won't be some magical experience. It will be uncomfortable and awkward. I say if you want to have sex with him just do it, stop putting the penis on a pedestal. I lost my virginity later than most and if you're not waiting until marriage just go for it.

 

[Farida]

It may be true that he is not that into you. There are some guys who take taking a woman's virginity away very seriously. Like, they have no problem sleeping around but for some reason they feel an extra responsibility towards virgin women. Deep down he may feel like he doesn't feel enough towards you to be that guy who was your first. Am I making any sense? Anyway, at the end of the day it comes down to him not being very into you.

Also, maybe you should just talk to him. Too much time is wasted in relationships trying to discern each other's thoughts and feelings when you can just ask.

 

[C@ssandr@]

To me, the fact the he didn't even tell his mom who was driving her home makes him sound clueless to me. If he was trying to make sure he had alone time at his apartment, he would've orchestrated a little better than this....but he not only didn't hear you, he didn't plan well with his mom either. He sounds less like a cheater and more like someone who really doesn't get it :/

 

[intellectualuva]

OP..I think it makes you feel better to think he is "clueless" rather than "he heard me but didn't want me to stay the night".

Based on his response when his mother asked who was driving her home AND his response to your text it's very clear that he heard but ignored you because he didn't want you there that night. Now it could be because he was tired...someone else was coming through....he didn't wanna deal with a hard on without going the whole way...whatever the case....he didn't want you there that night. He was not being CLUELESS.


Now I don't know why he didn't want you there but you have to be honest with yourself. Sounds like these "clueless" situations happen quite frequently. Sounds like a classic case of him not being that into you. Sorry hon!

The bolded was my thought. I won't make a case for him being into you or not. Miscommunication CAN make the invisible things obvious, though. Things can also get blown out of proportion and women tend to overthink those proportions, but I think the bolded still applies. You'd rather think he is clueless or its poor communication on your/his part rather than entertain the possibility he heard you and what that implies (he simply wanted to be left alone...harmless, but passive) or (he ain't really into you as much as you believe or he'll have you believe with his behavior at times).

My personality, I entertain the possibility of both and simply re-evaluate the other times I had a similar feeling and then me and boo thang talk about it. If we talk and I hear something that doesn't make my spidey senses tingle, cool we can move forward with better communication on the action plan. If the spidey senses tingle, well...that becomes its own decision tree.

Again, thats my personality. Best of Luck OP.

ETA:

I'm speaking to myself when I say this. A guy that you are too good for will never know how to treat you.

FlyyBohemian That's the heater right there.....concise and right to it.

 

[londontresses]

He can't be that awkward with the opposite sex, he has two kids. I won't accuse anyone of cheating but OP be cautious of those 'he'd never cheat' type of comments. You can't put it past anyone.

If things aren't adding up or don't sound right, somewhere along the line there's usually a lie of some sort. Hope you work it out before you lose your virginity to him.

 

[BostonMaria]

To me, the fact the he didn't even tell his mom who was driving her home makes him sound clueless to me. If he was trying to make sure he had alone time at his apartment, he would've orchestrated a little better than this....but he not only didn't hear you, he didn't plan well with his mom either. He sounds less like a cheater and more like someone who really doesn't get it :/

OP maybe he's lazy. If he had you getting his mom and dropping her off sounds a bit lazy and inconsiderate.

Not telling you what to do but be careful

 

[GraceJones]

He can't be that awkward with the opposite sex, he has two kids. I won't accuse anyone of cheating but OP be cautious of those 'he'd never cheat' type of comments. You can't put it past anyone.

If things aren't adding up or don't sound right, somewhere along the line there's usually a lie of some sort. Hope you work it out before you lose your virginity to him.

Yes girl! I was thinking the same lol

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Deep down he may feel like he doesn't feel enough towards you to be that guy who was your first.

That's exactly what I think it is. Yup!

 

[Curly1908]

 

[Ganjababy]

Zaynab......

If he knows you're down, I just don't get why he wouldn't want you to come over that night. I'm just confused.

Who hasn't posted in here yet? We need backup

Theresamonet barbiesocialite firecracker .... who else is our resident psychologists?

 

[Zaynab]

I couldn't get past the first page. Who said he's cheating? This man isn't even WITH her. He often doesn't respond after 7PM and then he responds in the morning? Yea because he's with someone else that night. He had her take the mom home because he didn't want OP to stay the night, that was obvious. He probably wanted to hang out with whoever he is sleeping with/seeing.

Also, let me be clear, a man that wants you, wants you, there isn't any "I'm dating someone who doesn't get it". He likes OP it seems and that seems to be it. No man, virgin sexing or not, is going to let you leave their house at 3AM.

And OP, men don't take meeting their family like we think they do. Girl they will take a 'decent' respecatable girl around their family for the holidays because why? THey need to. They will drop you off and hook up with another chick too. I try to tell women all the time men aren't connected by 'events' like women are.

The sex thing, I can assure you that men love a conquest, if he wanted you, he'd take that offer for sure I just don't like he likes her more than a friend. Keep it moving. You're not dating.

 

[caltron]

I couldn't get past the first page. Who said he's cheating? This man isn't even WITH her. He often doesn't respond after 7PM and then he responds in the morning? Yea because he's with someone else that night. He had her take the mom home because he didn't want OP to stay the night, that was obvious. He probably wanted to hang out with whoever he is sleeping with/seeing.

Also, let me be clear, a man that wants you, wants you, there isn't any "I'm dating someone who doesn't get it". He likes OP it seems and that seems to be it. No man, virgin sexing or not, is going to let you leave their house at 3AM.

And OP, men don't take meeting their family like we think they do. Girl they will take a 'decent' respecatable girl around their family for the holidays because why? THey need to. They will drop you off and hook up with another chick too. I try to tell women all the time men aren't connected by 'events' like women are.

The sex thing, I can assure you that men love a conquest, if he wanted you, he'd take that offer for sure I just don't like he likes her more than a friend. Keep it moving. You're not dating.

ITA.

I was very confused by this "arrangement". It definitely doesn't seem like a boyfriend/girlfriend type situation. It sounds more like you are his friend with "benefits". Even if he has told you that you are his girl, the way he is treating you is saying otherwise. This weirdness is going to continue until he finds a woman he wants to have a real relationship with, and then you'll either be dumped or kept on as a chick on the side. I can tell you that you're definitely not that woman he wants to have an official relationship with because he would have taken steps to make that happen.

As for whether he's having sex with other women, I think you need to assume that he is. This guy is an older guy who has two kids and was in a long term monogamous relationship. He is used to getting sex on the regular. I think women underestimate how important sex is to men. It can be loving sex, married sex, booty call sex, paid sex, but they need regular sex. If he weren't getting his sexual needs met by someone else he would have jumped at the chance for you to stay at his place because he would be hanging on any signal that you were ready to give him some. It doesn't matter that you spend all of your time with him because a booty call doesn't take that long. Those are in and out type deals.

I think he likes your companionship and friendship but you two seem to be on two different pages when it comes to this relationship. You seem to be the one who wants more so you need to stop wasting your emotional energy on this man and find someone who wants to be with you.