Dating Someone Who Just Doesn't Get It

[CarLiTa]

Oh, there's a lot going on here...

Please let the man be the man. My only contribution at this point.

(though I'm still curious why some men can't get their conflict-resolution skills together are worth dating at all, because ignoring someone's feelings when they're upset is emotional neglect, and that does not bode well for long term. Clear incompatibility.)

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I haven't read all the responses, but IMO he is passive and doesn't like conflict. A lot of men are like that. They will just avoid you/avoid the situation if they think you're mad at them, rather than just addressing it.

He probably just didn't feel like taking his mom home, but rather than ask you he put you on the spot and hoped you wouldn't say no. Then when you called him out about it, he would rather just avoid you until you get over it instead of saying yeah I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry.

He needs to understand that avoiding it just makes you more upset. If you guys are going to be together, he needs to get over that.

Also if you plan to be a virgin until marriage, you don't need to be spending the night with him. Maybe he didn't want you to stay over because it's hard for him to be celibate.

ETA: You need to cut it out with all the I'm so independent talk if you're serious about being in a relationship. Unless you want a man who will take advantage of you. You can't play the man's role in your relationship and then complain that you feel like the man in the relationship. And if you're talking long term, there will come a time when you'll regret that you didn't fall back and let him do the work. Doing everything yourself quickly gets old.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

No offense OP but neither of you sound like people in their 30s.

This. I think this is what was throwing me off. I'm getting a teenager, early 20's vibe for some reason. He can't communicate, the texting, virgins leaving at 3 in the morning ... like what the? I'm sorry OP, but neither of you seem to be on each other's level.

 

[Kindheart]

No offense but ..The only clueless person is you . You re playing wifey with a guy who doesn't even care enough to take your feelings in consideration nor wants you to spend the night with him ..,which is most s probably because he was having his needs met by some of them hoodrats he despises so much.
Girl , you need some tough love. You re making excuses and assumptions for this dude ,it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

[CarLiTa]

^^How is she playing wifey? That doesn't sound like wife-life AT ALL.

 

[Kindheart]

^^How is she playing wifey? That doesn't sound like wife-life AT ALL.

Originally Posted by Forever in Bloom
Very certain. We spend ALL of our time together - after work, I'm with him at his apartment. I usually get home at 3am when we both have to be at work at 9am. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[BackToMyRoots]

Stop spending so much time at his place...give him a chance to miss you.

Don't assume he knows that you are mad, no matter how obvious it may seem to you. Tell him plainly that you are upset, sad, mad, etc., about XYZ.

Stop playing super woman. You are training him to believe you can handle everything and he doesn't NEED to do much. Given what you've said, I'm not surprised he asked you to pick his mother up and that he doesn't offer to see you home at 3am. Allow him to be chivalrous.

Even though you may not be as emotionally expressive as him, you do sound a tad clingy. Ease up.

Remember, the only action you can control is your own.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

Thanks to everyone who has responded. None of you are wrong in what you said. Thanks for being straight-forward. I needed the tough love.

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[CurlyMoo]

There are a few occurrences that have really irked me, but this one takes the cake!

.....................
Anyway, fast forward to yesterday when we came back. Earlier that day, I told him that I wanted to spend the night at his place. However, when we arrived back in town, he goes to his apartment first. I'm thinking, "um, shouldn't we be dropping his mom off first?" I didn't say anything, but I eventually saw that he obviously didn't hear a word I said that morning because now his mom was asking if I was going to take her home. I looked at him and asked him, "Am I?" .........

...............I am a cancer and he is a Scorpio, but neither of us totally fit their profile. He is clingy and I am the one who has little fits of rage (but that's usually 3 days out of the month)

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Lost in communication! Oftentimes men and women are not on the same page when one or both fails to communicate a change in plans.

You let him fill in the blanks of something you wanted. This was your idea to stay with him but you failed to tell him exactly what you wanted. Like he told you that he wanted you to pick up his mom. You didn't have problems understanding that. It got muddled in the end because he assumed or wanted you to take her back. You had other plans, but you were not effective in communicating this. He planned how he wanted things. Including you dropping her off.

And now that I know the Astro signs, this solidifies my thoughts on this. Scorpio and Cancer tend to have BIG communication problems. As indirect, intuitive people, we just expect the other person to KNOW how we feel or what was meant because there is a strong connection. Doesn't always work that way.

Instead of saying you wanted to spend the night with him you should have said, let's drop your mom off first, so WE can go back to your apartment. Direct, straightforward and cuts through his strategy. He had a plan, but didn't share it with you. Typical Scorpio, they have things planned the way they want it in their head and unless you are VERY direct, make it very plain and demand to be clued into their plans; they will continue doing things their marry way.

When mom asked are you taking me home, you should have said, "NO WE ARE TAKING YOU HOME." Cuts through any misunderstandings. But you took ownership of it, instead of knocking the situation back in his court to MAKE sure things went the way you wanted it to.

This reminds me of a story of when a woman was driving home with her husband. She asked her husband if he was hungry, he said no and kept driving. She sat there angry and in a huff as he kept driving. He finally asks her whats wrong and she tells him she's upset because they didn't stop to eat at one of the restaurants. He had no clue that she wanted him to stop and eat. He just thought she wanted to know if he was hungry. erplexed

She wanted him to read between the lines and say okay let's stop at one of the restaurants and eat. But she doesn't have that type of man. She should have just said, I'm hungry let's stop at one of those restaurants. Direct and to the point, and doesn't allow the man to do her thinking for her.

I hope this helps, good luck OP.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

i'm still going to go with the he's cheating. sorry, but those are my thoughts. you aren't staying at his place til 3am every day, and you work a second job on thursdays. just b/c he works with a 50 and 60 yo woman mean nothing. perhaps im jaded from my dating experiences, but i put nothing past anybody. i've heard some crazy stories. men will find a way to cheat, rather its waiting for you to leave at 330am or every thursday, lunch. you are not with him 100% of his day. you cannot account for his whereabouts at all times, even if you are texting him all the time. dudes will be on a date or at another chics house texting you hey boo i miss you. also, stop texting and have a direct conversation. texting allows the other person a way to not have direct communication. you can always say, oh i didnt get the text, i fell asleep, sorry i didnt see it. i like texting, but serious things, i will pick up my phone. i feel like you're soo gaga over him you still have those love goggles on, so you are blinded. he may not be cheating but something is sour in the milk or however that saying goes. hopefully this doesn't come off as bitter, but just something doesnt sound right in this behavior

 

[Forever in Bloom]

i'm still going to go with the he's cheating. sorry, but those are my thoughts. you aren't staying at his place til 3am every day, and you work a second job on thursdays. just b/c he works with a 50 and 60 yo woman mean nothing. perhaps im jaded from my dating experiences, but i put nothing past anybody. i've heard some crazy stories. men will find a way to cheat, rather its waiting for you to leave at 330am or every thursday, lunch. you are not with him 100% of his day. you cannot account for his whereabouts at all times, even if you are texting him all the time. dudes will be on a date or at another chics house texting you hey boo i miss you. also, stop texting and have a direct conversation. texting allows the other person a way to not have direct communication. you can always say, oh i didnt get the text, i fell asleep, sorry i didnt see it. i like texting, but serious things, i will pick up my phone. i feel like you're soo gaga over him you still have those love goggles on, so you are blinded. he may not be cheating but something is sour in the milk or however that saying goes. hopefully this doesn't come off as bitter, but just something doesnt sound right in this behavior

One stupid mistake of this caliber does not make him a cheater. I have no doubts about that. He's just an idiot like most men sometimes and I have to literally break stuff down to him in bite size pieces so that he gets it. I know he's faithful. Like I said before, this was the first time something like this happened. That was never a doubt in my mind when I started this thread. I was simply upset about how clueless he is, but a lot of posters on here helped me see that the dynamic between us is jaded because we both suck at communicating. We've only been together for 4 months and I told him that if he ever became interested in someone, to go for it. Ain't nobody got time for that. I've always been that way. It worries me that I can turn my feelings off and on like that though. My brother is the same way, but we both can't stand drama and don't like to be dragged along. He just missed the boat this time. He is the loyal type and was in a five year relationship before me. She dumped him, but that's a whole other story. Sadly, I can see some of the things he mentioned were the reasons why she broke up with him. He's a good guy, but I basically told him today that I needed a little time to think about us. He talks about marriage a lot and having more kids. I'm not there yet. I told him it was way too early in the game to even be talking about that. Sure, we had a great friendship for 2 years before deciding to date, but that's still too soon. I'm gonna make a pro/con list, but I seriously don't want to spend the rest of my life communicating with him like he's in elementary school.

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[shespoison]

I'm speaking to myself when I say this. A guy that you are too good for will never know how to treat you. A poor or middle class person can't afford the up keep of a Bugatti so why buy the car? Get a used Honda or a ford focus. You can afford the up keep much better. The thing is that some dudes will still opt to buy the luxury car and then they soon realize the up keep for these luxury cars is too overwhelming. So they have to trade it in for something that is more affordable to keep. The thrill and honor of riding in a Bugatti is exciting until they realize the cost. I hope some of you will understand what I'm talking about.

Wow...I needed that.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

any updates? Whatever the outcome, I hope that you were able to get for feelings out and have a face to face or phone conversation.

Forever in Bloom

 

[Forever in Bloom]

any updates? Whatever the outcome, I hope that you were able to get for feelings out and have a face to face or phone conversation. Forever in Bloom

I told him I needed some time to get my thoughts together. I'll let him know when I'm ready to have a face to face. Thankfully, I didn't have to see him at work today.

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[Duff]

Not personal at all. I don't mind answering
We've done things, but nope - we haven't "danced under the sheets yet" lol. He's a very giving person and I know for sure that he is into me. He just drops the ball on a lot of things.

I'm 32 and a virgin. He's 30 and has 2 kids. Neither one of us has ever been married. Oh, and we work together. I've known him for more than 2 years and he was friends with my brother back in junior high/high school. I've met pretty much everyone in his family (in the first 2 weeks of dating, minus his mom), except for his grandmother.

I feel like the man in the relationship because he happens to be more emotional than I am saying that he is sad when I get mad at him; he always says he misses me and I'm thinking, "Dude, it's only been a day. Chill out!" He has the cute pet names. I have none. He always opens doors for me and gets upset when I get to the door before him, pay for my own stuff when he offers to pay, or pick up my own bags and carry them. I'm very independent. He knew that way before we started dating and practically begs me to 'let him be the man'.

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(I havent completed the thread but saw this and had to comment)

there is an issue here. you've now trained him a certain way. is it possible to un-train him now?
IMO, it might not be another woman. since you never sleep over, he did not expect you to and probably had other plans or wanted to do something else. he prob didnt know how to tell you when you mentioned spending he night. he knows sex is off the table, so he wanted to do the other stuff he had planned.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

I think I need to be clear: I never said sex wasn't off the table, I was simply giving our statuses. He has never pressured me in any way. After all, I'm 32 and haven't been waiting just for the sake of waiting. I was waiting for the right person. Trust me, I am more than ready! He knows how I feel and has been more than patient. He reminds me that he keeps a bottle of lotion next to his bedside table, and puts it to good use when I leave lol

I know him very well and trust him completely. The idea of him cheating never crossed my mind. He is very attractive, but is very insecure as well. You wouldn't think it by looking at him, but he is somewhat awkward around the opposite sex. That is what appealed to me; he has absolutely no clue. Again: CLUELESS about so many things. It was endearing at first, but now it's just annoying.

I will clear things up with him tomorrow, because I've realized that he is not a mind reader and often needs instruction on how to follow-through when it comes to planning. He is a great listener because he'll bring up conversations we had a year ago and remember everything I said! That's the woman in him. He gets mad when I can't remember what he said weeks ago. When it comes to discussing and making plans though, mmm... not so much.

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[TeeMBL]

I'm speaking to myself when I say this. A guy that you are too good for will never know how to treat you. A poor or middle class person can't afford the up keep of a Bugatti so why buy the car? Get a used Honda or a ford focus. You can afford the up keep much better. The thing is that some dudes will still opt to buy the luxury car and then they soon realize the up keep for these luxury cars is too overwhelming. So they have to trade it in for something that is more affordable to keep. The thrill and honor of riding in a Bugatti is exciting until they realize the cost. I hope some of you will understand what I'm talking about.

THIS! Not speaking of this situation, because I'm as confused as others, but I am definitely guilty of wasting too much time trying to teach a man how to treat me. Yet that's the advice I keep hearing from women and men: "You have to train him." ...to respect me and treat me like a woman? I'm sorry but I'm grown I don't have time to train anything but my dog.

Back on topic, it sounds like he just didn't want to be bothered with you that night and didn't want to hurt your feelings. I understand somewhat since you just spent a weekend together, he probably just needed some alone time to recuperate. I'm like that (not with my SO) so I understand. I'm an introvert though so people can drain me very easily and I usually need to be by myself to get my energy back. If he isn't cheating and this is his only blemish you're doing pretty well.

 

[Hairsnob]

I only skimmed this thread so I'm mainly going from the OP. But you were together for a few days, right? So when he came home he probably needed to release some built-up energy if you know what I mean (self-pleasure at the very least). Not saying he's cheating but men have to release that pressure somehow and he couldn't do "that" while you were there.

 

[Nayna]

My only observation is that since you've made it clear that you never sleep over I guess I get why he assumed you were not serious when you said you wanted to spend the night with him. Can't comment on anything else.

 

[Poohbear]

Not personal at all. I don't mind answering
We've done things, but nope - we haven't "danced under the sheets yet" lol. He's a very giving person and I know for sure that he is into me. He just drops the ball on a lot of things.

I'm 32 and a virgin. He's 30 and has 2 kids. Neither one of us has ever been married. Oh, and we work together. I've known him for more than 2 years and he was friends with my brother back in junior high/high school. I've met pretty much everyone in his family (in the first 2 weeks of dating, minus his mom), except for his grandmother.

I feel like the man in the relationship because he happens to be more emotional than I am saying that he is sad when I get mad at him; he always says he misses me and I'm thinking, "Dude, it's only been a day. Chill out!" He has the cute pet names. I have none. He always opens doors for me and gets upset when I get to the door before him, pay for my own stuff when he offers to pay, or pick up my own bags and carry them. I'm very independent. He knew that way before we started dating and practically begs me to 'let him be the man'.

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Forever in Bloom

The phrases that I bolded in your quote are reasons why he may not want you to spend the night. Whether he is cheating or not, maybe he wants to respect your virginity given that he is no longer a virgin. Spending the night can lead to sex.

Plus, why would you want to spend the night if you are trying to save yourself for marriage? Or are you wanting him to take your virginity eventually?

I'm also kinda' confused too the title of your thread... you're saying he "just doesn't get it"...what is it that he just doesn't get? It's not like you're trying to have sex with him, so why entertain the thought of spending the night?

Yes, there are couples that can spend the night and refrain from sex... but maybe, just maybe he went to his place first and let you take his mother home out of respect... like you said, he has 2 kids... do you want to have his 3rd child?

 

[Poohbear]

I think I need to be clear: I never said sex wasn't off the table, I was simply giving our statuses. He has never pressured me in any way. After all, I'm 32 and haven't been waiting just for the sake of waiting. I was waiting for the right person. Trust me, I am more than ready! He knows how I feel and has been more than patient. He reminds me that he keeps a bottle of lotion next to his bedside table, and puts it to good use when I leave lol

So do you want to have sex with him or not? Do you feel like he is the right person to have sex with? You said he knows how you feel, what is that feeling? And you said he keeps a bottle of lotion next to his beside table to use when you leave...are you giving him mixed signals about whether to have sex or not???

 

[Forever in Bloom]

One more time!
I want to have sex with him.
I ain't giving him mixed signals.
He knows how I feel.
That right moment hasn't happened yet is all.
We shared a bed while we were out of town.
I've spent the night at his apartment once before.

I'm gonna work this out ASAP and post it in bold so new posters who come in will know where we are relationship-wise.

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[BEAUTYU2U]

If he knows you're down, I just don't get why he wouldn't want you to come over that night. I'm just confused.

Who hasn't posted in here yet? We need backup

Theresamonet barbiesocialite firecracker .... who else is our resident psychologists?

 

[chronicity]

THIS! Not speaking of this situation, because I'm as confused as others, but I am definitely guilty of wasting too much time trying to teach a man how to treat me. Yet that's the advice I keep hearing from women and men: "You have to train him." ...to respect me and treat me like a woman? I'm sorry but I'm grown I don't have time to train anything but my dog.

I totally feel you on this; the same advice has been shoved down my throat too. It's isn't even about time and energy to me. It's about my feeling towards someone who requires training. I'm 36 years old and I'm only attracted to men. Not boys.

 

[Theresamonet]

One more time!
I want to have sex with him.
I ain't giving him mixed signals.
He knows how I feel.
That right moment hasn't happened yet is all.
We shared a bed while we were out of town.
I've spent the night at his apartment once before.

I'm gonna work this out ASAP and post it in bold so new posters who come in will know where we are relationship-wise.

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So... You're ready. He knows. But he hasn't cared enough to make the "moment right" as of yet.

Okay.

Op, it doesn't seem like you are really interested in our opinions (not sure why this thread was made), so I'll keep it short...

If I were you, I would take the offer back off the table. He does not care. This 30 year old man with two kids, is not pressed for any of yours, because he is getting plenty on the side.

 

[CaraWalker]

can i get cliffs notes on this thread

 

[Forever in Bloom]

So... You're ready. He knows. But he hasn't cared enough to make the "moment right" as of yet. Okay. Op, it doesn't seem like you are really interested in our opinions (not sure why this thread was made), so I'll keep it short... If I were you, I would take the offer back off the table. He does not care. This 30 year old man with two kids, is not pressed for any of yours, because he is getting plenty on the side.

Confused. Where do you get the vibe that I'm not interested in anyone's opinion?? Did you read the whole thread? I've been actively participating in this thread. One who starts a post and runs out, never to be seen again is an inactive participant. I'm not one to put my business out there and I've been on this forum for 6 years. So for me to come into this particular board and ask for advice is a big deal, considering that for the majority of those years, it's been nothing but hair, hair, and more hair and dealing with stuff on my own. I could have bought a journal, but unfortunately it doesn't give advice when you put a pen to paper

It's funny though. If this was something that I had made up, I would be laughing right now at all the assumptions that he is cheating - or how you so eloquently put it, "getting plenty on the side". We actually just off the phone and made plans to discuss everything. My gripe session turned into something completely unexpected (snowball effect - definitely didn't expect that to happen!). Those who helped me and have given great advice in a tactful way have been PM'd and thanked.

Thanks to everyone who had an opinion to give. Back to the hair board

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[Lilmama1011]

Confused. Where do you get the vibe that I'm not interested in anyone's opinion?? Did you read the whole thread? I've been actively participating in this thread. One who starts a post and runs out, never to be seen again is an inactive participant. I'm not one to put my business out there and I've been on this forum for 6 years. So for me to come into this particular board and ask for advice is a big deal, considering that for the majority of those years, it's been nothing but hair, hair, and more hair and dealing with stuff on my own. I could have bought a journal, but unfortunately it doesn't give advice when you put a pen to paper

It's funny though. If this was something that I had made up, I would be laughing right now at all the assumptions that he is cheating - or how you so eloquently put it, "getting plenty on the side". We actually just off the phone and made plans to discuss everything. My gripe session turned into something completely unexpected (snowball effect - definitely didn't expect that to happen!). Those who helped me and have given great advice in a tactful way have been PM'd and thanked.

Thanks to everyone who had an opinion to give. Back to the hair board

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

time and time again it has been proven you can't say anything about your relationship on here because it will get taken out of context. its sad that you can't get help from most members on here especially after they are all for helping women of color :rollseyes: they will always have you believe your man is cheating, controlling, and abusive. these threads are entertaining but not the way they go in on all the Ops. But i do think some was giving their honest opinions and some are just crap starters and need entertainment in their lives. i hope the outcome turns out the way you want!

 

[SurferBabe]

time and time again it has been proven you can't say anything about your relationship on here because it will get taken out of context. its sad that you can't get help from most members on here especially after they are all for helping women if color :rollseyes: they will always have you believe your man is cheating, controlling, and abusive. these threads are entertaining but not the way they go in on all the Ops. But i do think some was giving their honest opinions and some are just crap starters and need entertainment in their lives. i hope the outcome turns out the way you want!

I don't think this is the case. When people ask for relationship advice on here, they first tell the story from their point-of-view which will always present them as the one "in the right." Then when the criticism of their partner starts coming in they backtrack and say "well he didn't exactly say that" or "he really isn't like this all of the time." What do people expect when we're only given one person's side of the story? Most relationship problems can be solved by just sitting down and talking to your partner without getting anyone else involved. By the time you bring your story here, and present it to strangers, we're going to assume that there is something else going on behind-the-scenes that just talking isn't going to resolve.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

^ True, there's usually a detail that the OP is leaving out and people just need the full story to understand better. I don't always think posters are just bitter hags but people are going to answer based on their own experiences. It may or may not be exact to the OP's situation.