Dating Someone Who Just Doesn't Get It

[Forever in Bloom]

There are a few occurrences that have really irked me, but this one takes the cake!

The person I am seeing and I went out of town this past weekend to visit his sister for a Christmas party. His mom came with us - it was my first time meeting her - for a 2.5 trip by car. I have to say, I really enjoyed her company. She was funny, nice, and since we both like to talk - a great conversationalist. Before leaving, he called to ask if I could pick her up since we lived so close to each other and he lived on the other side of town. I said 'sure, no problem'. The drive to his apartment would give us time to get to know one another.

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday when we came back. Earlier that day, I told him that I wanted to spend the night at his place. However, when we arrived back in town, he goes to his apartment first. I'm thinking, "um, shouldn't we be dropping his mom off first?" I didn't say anything, but I eventually saw that he obviously didn't hear a word I said that morning because now his mom was asking if I was going to take her home. I looked at him and asked him, "Am I?"

She looked caught in the middle and I'm feeling confused. He jokes and says, "Mom, do you trust her driving?" [Insert stupid laughter in here]
I didn't want to cause a scene, so I got in my car along with his mom and drove her to her house. Again, I like the mom. No problem there because I'm used to him doing and saying stupid things. We actually found out that her brother used to work with my dad, who passed away 6 years ago. Small world.

I texted him and said that I really wanted to spend the night with him - something I definitely don't make a habit of considering how I was raised. He responded saying, "I thought you were kidding. You're more than welcome to come back or any other day this week. It's up to you."

I responded that I was caught off guard when I was pretty much coerced into taking his mom home, something we never discussed especially since I thought I would be with him. That was at 7pm last night. Of course, this morning he finally responded and asked how I was. I haven't responded because when you never respond to a text, that gives me plenty of time to think about everything else you did wrong, but I looked over at the time.

He does that often. Whenever I respond with something that any other normal person would feel the need to respond to, because the anger is apparent, he chooses to ignore the question or statement and wait until the next morning. By then, he thinks I have forgotten and that we can move on.

I'm tired of glossing over his cluelessness. Please advise before I start throwing things at his head to knock some sense into it. He's either gonna get it or he's gonna get it!

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[SincerelyJane]

I get why you're annoyed, I would be too. I dunno what to tell you though, it sounds awkward.

 

[CarLiTa]

Sorry, OP, I have no advice

I was actually in a similar situation with someone before. It's as though he had under-developed conflict resolution skills. After our biggest fight, he told me (because I'd misinterpreted something he said): "OMG, if I'd known that THAT's what you were thinking, I would have tried to resolve things sooner!"

so, basically, he thought I was reacting to something smaller/less significant, and so he didn't put in the effort to appease me. That does NOT sit well with me. Doesn't make me feel emotionally secure at all

He outright told me that he doesn't know how to read me or how to solve conflicts, so he figures what he should do is wait until I calm down and hope things are better. I don't know what the heck kind of strategy that is. Totally counter-productive and alienating.

I realize this might (? someone correct me, tell me I'm wrong, please) be more common with men than I thought? But I'd need to be with someone who is actually open to become a better conflict-mitigator than that.

I am curious what women who are in relationships with/married to guys with similar traits have to say about this. How do you get a guy to talk through problems and become better at solving conflict? Or do you just throw him back out at sea (I eventually did this).

 

[Urban]

lol, come on girl. Come on! You really think he's clueless. Dude knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Dude didn't want you to stay with him because you going home meant you could take mum and he wouldn't have to do it.

When people show us who they are, why do we doubt them? If you're going to stay with him, you'll probably just have to accept that that's his personality and that he doesn't have as much respect for you as he should.

 

[ElegantPearl17]

Bottom line...he's just not that into you. Most men would jump at a chance to have an overnight stay He knew what he was doing.

 

[SincerelyJane]

In my last relationship I felt like I had to do all the heavy lifting in the conflict resolution dept. He didn't really get better, but I did feel like I got some break through with him last wk, there's something I've been trying to get him to understand for months and he finally heard me. It's taken a loooooong time though. I care about him a lot but it makes me very hesitant to get back with him because I don't want to live my life talking to a brick wall.

A guy I started dating a couple of months ago is million times better at this. He's very direct and honest and he's really good at reading between the lines too. I don't know if its because he's willing to put for effort or if it's one of those things where I'm looking for everything m ex didn't have to the point where I'm ignoring red flags. I dunno.

No one is perfect and this might just be one of things where you have to take the bad with the good. *shrugs*

 

[Lilmama1011]

Bottom line...he's just not that into you. Most men would jump at a chance to have an overnight stay He knew what he was doing.

That's what it sounds like. Because I don't know a man who wouldn't jump at a chance when a woman they are seeing says they want to "spend the night" this might be to personal but have yal danced under the sheets yet OP?

 

[Forever in Bloom]

Bottom line...he's just not that into you. Most men would jump at a chance to have an overnight stay He knew what he was doing.

I know right? That's what gets me. I've spent the night with him once at his apartment. We didn't stay at his sisters house out of town; instead, we got a hotel room. The whole time we were together this weekend at night, he kept pulling me towards him to cuddle. I already don't like sleeping close to people because I get super hot. I've been having night sweats since I was a little girl, but I let him do it because he is a very affectionate person. He's always kissing me, touching me, trying to hold my hand, etc. I think he was just tired of spending that much time with me and just didn't know how to say maybe some other night. I tell him all the time to express what he feels. It definitely won't hurt my feelings if he wants some alone time; if anything, I would respect him more for just being truthful.

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[Forever in Bloom]

That's what it sounds like. Because I don't know a man who wouldn't jump at a chance when a woman they are seeing says they want to "spend the night" this might be to personal but have yal danced under the sheets yet OP?

Not personal at all. I don't mind answering
We've done things, but nope - we haven't "danced under the sheets yet" lol. He's a very giving person and I know for sure that he is into me. He just drops the ball on a lot of things.

I'm 32 and a virgin. He's 30 and has 2 kids. Neither one of us has ever been married. Oh, and we work together. I've known him for more than 2 years and he was friends with my brother back in junior high/high school. I've met pretty much everyone in his family (in the first 2 weeks of dating, minus his mom), except for his grandmother.

I feel like the man in the relationship because he happens to be more emotional than I am saying that he is sad when I get mad at him; he always says he misses me and I'm thinking, "Dude, it's only been a day. Chill out!" He has the cute pet names. I have none. He always opens doors for me and gets upset when I get to the door before him, pay for my own stuff when he offers to pay, or pick up my own bags and carry them. I'm very independent. He knew that way before we started dating and practically begs me to 'let him be the man'.

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[kaykari]

OP, are you certain he isnt sleeping with other people?

 

[Forever in Bloom]

OP, are you certain he isnt sleeping with other people?

Very certain. We spend all of our time together - after work, I'm with him at his apartment. I usually get home at 3am when we both have to be at work at 9am. I'd love to see how he could possibly swing that. He would definitely need a time machine!

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[hopeful]

If you don't want to do the heavy lifting then stop doing it. He should have taken his own mother home. In fact he should have picked both of you up, and when you got back to town dropped mom off, then you. That way you two could have discussed your evening plans. If you two aren't sexually active then there really wasn't a major motivation for him to get you over to his house sense you two had already spent so much time together. He probably wanted and needed some alone time. He does seem passive aggressive though and that's annoying. The two red flags to me are that he may be sleeping with others while dating you and that he doesn't listen or he does listen but pretends he doesn't so that he doesn't have to deal with conflict.

I would suggest that you stop being so independent when around him. Let him figure out most things. Wait until he asks you to spend the night. Asking him puts you in an awkward/ needy position. Honestly something about your situation seems off. I just can't put my finger on it. The way he said you could come back irks me too. Why didn't he offer to come get you and be more apologetic? He thought you were joking? I don't believe that for a minute.

 

[Lilmama1011]

Well wow, then things don't really add up, because from what your saying it seems like he is more gaga over you than you are of him and that he is clingy and emotional. Is he a cancer? But the fact that he switched up and all of a sudden then take you in the offer of not sleeping over was like a big switch up. You say straight after work yal are together, I hate to break it to you, but there is always a way a man or a woman can cheat. He could be screwing his boss or a co worker for all we know. I hope that is not the case and I don't want to put thoughts into your head as well. Because is like he is "chasing" you but when you gave him the bone her didn't retrieve it? That's very weird. But on a positive note, maybe he dozed off or something. And when some people are sleepy they say f everything else and will think about it tomorrow. I know I'm like that. But sorry to be sexist but for a man, that didn't really get the goods yet, that is not a reaction I would expect. I always thought a woman has more power when she hasn't gave up the goods yet and don't get me wrong some still have it when they do give up the goods but I find a woman has more power at the beginning when a man is chasing because he will do everything in his power to get it

 

[Lilmama1011]

If you don't want to do the heavy lifting then stop doing it. He should have taken his own mother home. In fact he should have picked both of you up, and when you got back to town dropped mom off, then you. That way you two could have discussed your evening plans. If you two aren't sexually active then there really wasn't a major motivation for him to get you over to his house sense you two had already spent so much time together. He probably wanted and needed some alone time. He does seem passive aggressive though and that's annoying. The two red flags to me are that he may be sleeping with others while dating you and that he doesn't listen or he does listen but pretends he doesn't so that he doesn't have to deal with conflict. I would suggest that you stop being so independent when around him. Let him figure out most things. Wait until he asks you to spend the night. Asking him puts you in an awkward/ needy position. Honestly something about your situation seems off. I just can't put my finger on it. The way he said you could come back irks me too. Why didn't he offer to come get you and be more apologetic? He thought you were joking? I don't believe that for a minute.

Now that I think of it, him sending her to drop his momma off might have been a cover up for him to do him hopeful but like I said I hope not OP

 

[hopeful]

You say:

Very certain. We spend all of our time together - after work, I'm with him at his apartment. I usually get home at 3am when we both have to be at work at 9am. I'd love to see how he could possibly swing that. He would definitely need a time machine! Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

And then this: I texted him and said that I really wanted to spend the night with him - something I definitely don't make a habit of considering how I was raised. I'm confused. Are you two always together or do you rarely spend the night together? And it sounds like you work more than one job? If so then how can you know what he's up to? Sorry for all the questions. I don't understand why this is so hard to follow.

 

[Browndilocks]

Not personal at all. I don't mind answering
We've done things, but nope - we haven't "danced under the sheets yet" lol. He's a very giving person and I know for sure that he is into me. He just drops the ball on a lot of things.

I'm 32 and a virgin. He's 30 and has 2 kids. Neither one of us has ever been married. Oh, and we work together. I've known him for more than 2 years and he was friends with my brother back in junior high/high school. I've met pretty much everyone in his family (in the first 2 weeks of dating, minus his mom), except for his grandmother.

I feel like the man in the relationship because he happens to be more emotional than I am saying that he is sad when I get mad at him; he always says he misses me and I'm thinking, "Dude, it's only been a day. Chill out!" He has the cute pet names. I have none. He always opens doors for me and gets upset when I get to the door before him, pay for my own stuff when he offers to pay, or pick up my own bags and carry them. I'm very independent. He knew that way before we started dating and practically begs me to 'let him be the man'.

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Why are you even doing this to yourself? You're building him up to sound like he's all this & that but then the actions you describe in his behavior just don't match IMHO. I think you can do better.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

You say: And then this: I texted him and said that I really wanted to spend the night with him - something I definitely don't make a habit of considering how I was raised. I'm confused. Are you two always together or do you rarely spend the night together? And it sounds like you work more than one job? If so then how can you know what he's up to? Sorry for all the questions. I don't understand why this is so hard to follow.

I never sleep at his apartment. I leave around 3 and sleep in my own bed. Our full time job, we work together but not in the same department. I have a part time job but that is only every Thursday. Those nights he is with his guy friend playing video games. Please don't make this a cheating thing. I know that he is not. We're texting right now. He is trying to explain himself. When I said he has done stupid things in the past, this particular incident is a one-off.

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[Forever in Bloom]

If you don't want to do the heavy lifting then stop doing it. He should have taken his own mother home. In fact he should have picked both of you up, and when you got back to town dropped mom off, then you. That way you two could have discussed your evening plans. If you two aren't sexually active then there really wasn't a major motivation for him to get you over to his house sense you two had already spent so much time together. He probably wanted and needed some alone time. He does seem passive aggressive though and that's annoying. The two red flags to me are that he may be sleeping with others while dating you and that he doesn't listen or he does listen but pretends he doesn't so that he doesn't have to deal with conflict. I would suggest that you stop being so independent when around him. Let him figure out most things. Wait until he asks you to spend the night. Asking him puts you in an awkward/ needy position. Honestly something about your situation seems off. I just can't put my finger on it. The way he said you could come back irks me too. Why didn't he offer to come get you and be more apologetic? He thought you were joking? I don't believe that for a minute.[/QUOTE

Trust me, he asks all the time!! This was the first time I offered to stay. After 4 months of asking, he was probably too shocked to believe me.

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[hopeful]

I never sleep at his apartment. I leave around 3 and sleep in my own bed. Our full time job, we work together but not in the same department. I have a part time job but that is only every Thursday. Those nights he is with his guy friend playing video games. Please don't make this a cheating thing. I know that he is not. We're texting right now. He is trying to explain himself. When I said he has done stupid things in the past, this particular incident is a one-off. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

I'm so sorry I do not want to make this a cheating thing. Your story is just confusing so trying to get clarity. Initially it sounded like cheating. Him seeming to not want you to sleep over when most guys would be excited. You describe a person who seems nonchalant but then say he is very affectionate and touchy feely. But again I'm sorry. You have enough issues here as far as communication. You don't need me or anyone else planting doubts in your head. I really wish you the best. The initial situation you described would be annoying to most women and I hope things get better.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

Well wow, then things don't really add up, because from what your saying it seems like he is more gaga over you than you are of him and that he is clingy and emotional. Is he a cancer? But the fact that he switched up and all of a sudden then take you in the offer of not sleeping over was like a big switch up. You say straight after work yal are together, I hate to break it to you, but there is always a way a man or a woman can cheat. He could be screwing his boss or a co worker for all we know. I hope that is not the case and I don't want to put thoughts into your head as well. Because is like he is "chasing" you but when you gave him the bone her didn't retrieve it? That's very weird. But on a positive note, maybe he dozed off or something. And when some people are sleepy they say f everything else and will think about it tomorrow. I know I'm like that. But sorry to be sexist but for a man, that didn't really get the goods yet, that is not a reaction I would expect. I always thought a woman has more power when she hasn't gave up the goods yet and don't get me wrong some still have it when they do give up the goods but I find a woman has more power at the beginning when a man is chasing because he will do everything in his power to get it

I am his coworker and he hasn't screwed me yet. We both work for a small nonprofit organization. We're not in the same department, but we both work for the same boss - who is a man who he doesn't like that much. I work with a lot of men, so his only other option in the female department is a 51 and 61 year old woman. I am a cancer and he is a Scorpio, but neither of us totally fit their profile. He is clingy and I am the one who has little fits of rage (but that's usually 3 days out of the month)

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[ThickHair]

I never sleep at his apartment. I leave around 3 and sleep in my own bed. Our full time job, we work together but not in the same department. I have a part time job but that is only every Thursday. Those nights he is with his guy friend playing video games. Please don't make this a cheating thing. I know that he is not. We're texting right now. He is trying to explain himself. When I said he has done stupid things in the past, this particular incident is a one-off.

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Ain't no way in heck, I am getting up to go home at 3a, virgin or not. Maybe he should come over to your spot.

I don't know any man that has feelings for a woman would let her leave at such an ungodly hour. Makes no sense to me.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

Why are you even doing this to yourself? You're building him up to sound like he's all this & that but then the actions you describe in his behavior just don't match IMHO. I think you can do better.

Exactly. Like most men, he is very clueless. He has never dated anyone like me. He said he was tired of dating ghetto girls. I know I can do better, and I know he knows that as well.

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[SincerelyJane]

What is the point of you leaving at 3am to "sleep in your own bed". This makes no sense to me

 

[hopeful]

Ain't no way in heck, I am getting up to go home at 3a, virgin or not. Maybe he should come over to your spot. I don't know any man that has feelings for a woman would let her leave at such an ungodly hour. Makes no sense to me.

OP do you see how confused all of us are? I was thinking the same thing. My dh would never have let me leave his house at 3am when we were dating. Either I leave earlier, stay the whole night, or he stay at my place. Maybe there is something in your communication style that is confusing IRL as well that is contributing to you guys' conflict?

 

[Forever in Bloom]

What is the point of you leaving at 3am to "sleep in your own bed". This makes no sense to me

We get caught up and lose track of time. It makes no sense, I know. I've always felt awkward about staying with him. I've done a lot of things I never thought I would do. He stays up to make sure I have gotten home safely. He doesn't want me to leave; that's my own decision. So for me to want to stay, was a big step on my part.

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[FlyyBohemian]

Exactly. Like most men, he is very clueless. He has never dated anyone like me. He said he was tired of dating ghetto girls. I know I can do better, and I know he knows that as well.

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I'm speaking to myself when I say this. A guy that you are too good for will never know how to treat you. A poor or middle class person can't afford the up keep of a Bugatti so why buy the car? Get a used Honda or a ford focus. You can afford the up keep much better. The thing is that some dudes will still opt to buy the luxury car and then they soon realize the up keep for these luxury cars is too overwhelming. So they have to trade it in for something that is more affordable to keep. The thrill and honor of riding in a Bugatti is exciting until they realize the cost. I hope some of you will understand what I'm talking about.

 

[chronicity]

Pay attention to your feelings. If you consistently feel like "the man" or "the grownup" in the relationship, that is an indicator of incompatibility. Don't ignore or dismiss this. If you consistently feel like you could do better, then you're doing a disservice to you and him by continuing things.

The next time you sense him running away from conflict in a way that leaves you cold, why not call him on it? When he didn't respond to your text, that is when you should have called him and compelled him to explain himself verbally. You ended up letting the silence stand in place of communication, and ultimately that was as passive as his way of handling the issue.

That said, I can totally see how he could've been thrown for a loop when you told him that you wanted to spend the night. His mom was there. You sleeping over gives the appearance of sexual activity, even if that's not what is happening. Maybe he was concerned about what his mom might think, but felt unable to deflect your invitation gracefully. So he pretended it wasn't genuine because that was the easiest thing to do.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I can't put my finger on this one. I've been squinting at my phone screen for the whole thread. Something just don't match here.

 

[RocStar]

I responded that I was caught off guard when I was pretty much coerced into taking his mom home, something we never discussed especially since I thought I would be with him. That was at 7pm last night. Of course, this morning he finally responded and asked how I was. I haven't responded because when you never respond to a text, that gives me plenty of time to think about everything else you did wrong, but I looked over at the time.

He does that often. Whenever I respond with something that any other normal person would feel the need to respond to, because the anger is apparent

Some people don't like to argue/deal with anger over text. Heck, some people don't want to fight at all, text, on the phone or in person. You say it happens often, so maybe he just doesn't want to fight. I know I am old school, but if I am angry with you, I want to talk to you and not have some text conversation (but that is just me).

I know right? That's what gets me. I've spent the night with him once at his apartment. We didn't stay at his sisters house out of town; instead, we got a hotel room. The whole time we were together this weekend at night, he kept pulling me towards him to cuddle. I already don't like sleeping close to people because I get super hot. I've been having night sweats since I was a little girl, but I let him do it because he is a very affectionate person. He's always kissing me, touching me, trying to hold my hand, etc. I think he was just tired of spending that much time with me and just didn't know how to say maybe some other night. I tell him all the time to express what he feels. It definitely won't hurt my feelings if he wants some alone time; if anything, I would respect him more for just being truthful.

Maybe he was frustrated with all of the "foreplay" and no action and just didn't want another night of cuddling.
(I am in by no means suggesting you sleep with him...I am just thinking of an explanation for his actions).

He always opens doors for me and gets upset when I get to the door before him, pay for my own stuff when he offers to pay, or pick up my own bags and carry them. I'm very independent. He knew that way before we started dating and practically begs me to 'let him be the man'.

Why would you do these things? Letting him pay does not make you less independent, it makes you smart.

I am his coworker and he hasn't screwed me yet. We both work for a small nonprofit organization. We're not in the same department, but we both work for the same boss - who is a man who he doesn't like that much. I work with a lot of men, so his only other option in the female department is a 51 and 61 year old woman. I am a cancer and he is a Scorpio, but neither of us totally fit their profile. He is clingy and I am the one who has little fits of rage (but that's usually 3 days out of the month)

Option for what? To date?

Exactly. Like most men, he is very clueless. He has never dated anyone like me. He said he was tired of dating ghetto girls. I know I can do better, and I know he knows that as well.

You should have ran after he told you these things. And, do you like him? If both of you know you can do better, you should.

 

[TayMac]

No offense OP but neither of you sound like people in their 30s. I feel like you are trying to follow dating rules from 5 books but missing the mark if that makes sense.

There are too many gray areas that could be resolved with some direct communication..no beating around the bush and throwing hints.

Is there a real problem here or are you just annoyed about this one incident? I don't think he is cheating but the dynamic is different.