Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

Z

Zaynab

Well-Known Member
Ladies, Here you go. One big thread where we can ask questions, give advice and share tips for single ladies looking to date Marriage minded men and how to control your dating life.

This isn't my thread per se and I'm not a relationship expert, I just like to see women win and I think we are more powerful than we realize. There are several ladies I should tag who also offer jewels of knowledge, but off the top of my head @Southernbella. @Femmefatal1981 @mstar @Mai Tai (I know I'm missing several others) @Crackers Phinn

And lastly.....If it don't apply, let it fly. Therefore, Please don't discourage ladies who are truly interested in marriage being a goal and who really want to receive information.

Post your questions/suggestions/tips and advice!
 
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This thread rocks! Thanks for this. :toocool:

So I'll kick this off. Some of us singletons are having a hard time finding and connecting with enough quality, available men to build a roster and keep a rotation. I come across many quality men, but most are taken. For those of us who live in very family-centric environments, finding uncoupled men can be tough, but I know they are out there. Aside from online, where in the world do these single men hang?

Also, how can a woman position herself to make it easy for these men to approach? Many of us struggle with the "stare but won't approach" syndrome in men. Are these guys even worth the effort?

Lastly, is it worth it to explore options outside of our locales? Do you know single women who have had luck with LDRs?

Hopefully these questions are on topic. :nervous2:
 
Zaynab said:
Ladies, Here you go. One big thread where we can ask questions...

And lastly.....If it don't apply, let it fly. Therefore, Please don't discourage ladies who are truly interested in marriage being a goal and who really want to receive information.

Post your questions/suggestions/tips and advice!
Click to expand...
Love it! I am definitely marriage minded and taking in all the advice (and discarding what doesn't work for me and my life). I will be checking in.
 
SurferBabe said:
This thread rocks! Thanks for this. :toocool:

So I'll kick this off. Some of us singletons are having a hard time finding and connecting with enough quality, available men to build a roster and keep a rotation. I come across many quality men, but most are taken. For those of us who live in very family-centric environments, finding uncoupled men can be tough, but I know they are out there. Aside from online, where in the world do these single men hang?

Also, how can a woman position herself to make it easy for these men to approach? Many of us struggle with the "stare but won't approach" syndrome in men. Are these guys even worth the effort?

Lastly, is it worth it to explore options outside of our locales? Do you know single women who have had luck with LDRs?

Hopefully these questions are on topic. :nervous2:
Click to expand...

I know people will say they met their SO/spouse online. I personally am not a fan of online dating. Sure it gives you more options, but the connections can be insincere because you can go to another site and find another person. More options means more options for both sides and sometimes less effort. Also, IME marriage minded men, aren't online primarily. Especially older ones. Y'all say you want a certain kind of man, well trust me, they aren't online, they're at work making money. Well, if you're not a family, why are you living and looking in that area? If you can't move, fine. Go where the single men are. Single men eat out, they go to sports, the gym, etc. If you work in the city center, men who work in the city, eat dinner right after work in the city. And go places alone. Going places with a bunch of women is a turnoff to men if you're looking to meet men. No man wants to approach a bunch of women looking like a pack of hungry wolves.

Cast a wider net. And yes if you have to, out of the state. I met and dated my now DH LD, however, it can't be aimless. The upfront caveat to that is, someone is going to move and set a timeline.

Let me tell you something that men have told me repeatedly, single , married or whatever: They love I'm always smiling and I'm approachable. If I pass a man, I speak and/or smile. I don't care if they are 8 or 80. I am not so pushed up on myself that I think "omg he's a loser what if he tries to hit on me and I don't feel like talking to him" Most women just need to get over themselves. Some men are annoying but not all of them want you, they're just saying hello. If they do approach, don't be rude and obtuse, just say yea I'm not interested. This whole "I hate people, don't speak to me" trend is old and men notice it.
 
Ok so here goes, no DM's cause there may be other ladies that are like me or with similar circumstances...

I am very washy when it comes to relationships because of childhood experiences, yadda yadda, yea I know a fully grown woman... Never really, well never been in a relationship, mostly sexing myself out in hopes of making it to girlfriend status. Nowadays since not sexing not really involved with any dudes, then the dudes that I do entertain are the wrong ones but I hold on, like WTF to self... and, as the true cancerian that I am when ish hit the fan, I draw back into shell. Lately, been going at it hard with the idea that I can do this. I refuse to believe I am a lost cause. Also really incorporating the M.O. in other thread fakingit till you make it, over years confidence has plummeted.

A couple of questions:

- How would you go about the following: Met a man, exchanged numbers on some kinda networking stuff, would you reach out to them? I mean the do have your number.
- Say someone on a social media site hits you via DM with number and asks you to call them? yea you fine and all but why you reaching out to me...
 
Thanks for tagging me @Zaynab! Not sure how I managed to earn the honor but I do know that relationships are something that I love talking about and helping women cultivate. I tend to be very straight up in my advice because that's my personality one, and two, to me, men really are not that hard to figure out.

Of course, anything I say should only be directed towards mentally and spiritually healthy men who are genuinely interested in a building a relationship because Lord knows I don't play that "How can I get him to like me?" "Or how can I get him to stop mistreating me?" $hyt.

If I were to start off with one piece of advice to both single and married ladies it's to first respect and learn to appreciate the positive differences between men and women because they are abundantly wonderful and quite enjoyable. This does not mean that you need to learn how to love and accept misogyny, community peen-ism, brute force, fuqboyshyt, or any other crap that many men try to pass off as "normal", it just means that we should stop stacking up his way of thinking and moving against our feminine ideal because even though the best dudes have the capacity to love, heal, nuture, and empathize, the fact remains that he, not you, is a man and still views the world through masculine lenses.


C@ssandr@ said:
Ladies, how do you keep your man on his toes when you're dating? Does it differ when you're married?
Click to expand...

If by "on his toes" you mean "consistently interested" then you can only accomplish this by shifting your focus from him to growing in ways that you find interesting. Each man is different so it's absolutely impossible to gauge what will tickle your man in mind's fancy so I would start by saying do you and do not allow your entire world to be wrapped up in that man. Be sweetly unapologetic about it, and those who like it will be thoroughly smitten, and those who don't can kick rocks.

Next I would advise that you don't expose him too much to your personal routines and the like. I've heard many women proudly exclaim "My SO or husband knows EVERYTHING" about me, and I'm like "Girl why??"

Not sure if this makes sense?

Edited to add...NO! Marriage does not make a difference. If anything it heightens the necessity to be authenticly you.
 
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Zaynab said:
I know people will say they met their SO/spouse online. I personally am not a fan of online dating. Sure it gives you more options, but the connections can be insincere because you can go to another site and find another person. More options means more options for both sides and sometimes less effort. Also, IME marriage minded men, aren't online primarily. Especially older ones. Y'all say you want a certain kind of man, well trust me, they aren't online, they're at work making money. Well, if you're not a family, why are you living and looking in that area? If you can't move, fine. Go where the single men are. Single men eat out, they go to sports, the gym, etc. If you work in the city center, men who work in the city, eat dinner right after work in the city. And go places alone. Going places with a bunch of women is a turnoff to men if you're looking to meet men. No man wants to approach a bunch of women looking like a pack of hungry wolves.

Cast a wider net. And yes if you have to, out of the state. I met and dated my now DH LD, however, it can't be aimless. The upfront caveat to that is, someone is going to move and set a timeline.

Let me tell you something that men have told me repeatedly, single , married or whatever: They love I'm always smiling and I'm approachable. If I pass a man, I speak and/or smile. I don't care if they are 8 or 80. I am not so pushed up on myself that I think "omg he's a loser what if he tries to hit on me and I don't feel like talking to him" Most women just need to get over themselves. Some men are annoying but not all of them want you, they're just saying hello. If they do approach, don't be rude and obtuse, just say yea I'm not interested. This whole "I hate people, don't speak to me" trend is old and men notice it.
Click to expand...

Very solid advice! And the bolded is encouraging. I travel a lot and have the freedom to move so I'm going to try my luck at making some out of state connections as well. Thank you!
 
Zaynab said:
Let me tell you something that men have told me repeatedly, single , married or whatever: They love I'm always smiling and I'm approachable. If I pass a man, I speak and/or smile. I don't care if they are 8 or 80. I am not so pushed up on myself that I think "omg he's a loser what if he tries to hit on me and I don't feel like talking to him" Most women just need to get over themselves. Some men are annoying but not all of them want you, they're just saying hello. If they do approach, don't be rude and obtuse, just say yea I'm not interested. This whole "I hate people, don't speak to me" trend is old and men notice it.
Click to expand...

This paragraph resonates with me something awful. People comment to me often "why are you single; you're so pretty, how come you haven't found anyone; and what's wrong with these men to be passing you up". I'm not posting this to gas myself up, but I have a huge problem that your above post touches on. If I like a guy, I will literally go left if he's on my right.:nono: I so envy women who are comfortable in their own skin around the opposite sex. I have male friends I'm super cool with, but these are dudes I've known forever. I'm not one of those women who has never met a stranger. I'm reserved until I'm comfortable with you. Once I'm comfortable with you, watch out. :lachen: My divorce 10 years ago left some scars, but I've worked hard on myself and I like myself now. But I can't get over always thinking a guy looking at me is trying to hit on me, which makes me uncomfortable and want to go the other way. I've psyched myself up many times to fake it. I will see a cute guy and I smile, or speak, only for them to introduce me to their wife/girlfriend/fiance. This zapps my confidence. In some cases I've gained some new friends :lol:, but it does get harder to fake it the next time. Then there are times I've been in a group with some cuties and if I think they are interested I clam up. If I don't think they are interested I'm chatty Cathy. What is this self sabotage about? How can I get some confidence? I feel stupid for feeling this way, but thank you for putting yourself out there to help us singletons who need help.:urock:
 
Mai Tai said:
Thanks for tagging me @Zaynab! Not sure how I managed to earn the honor but I do know that relationships are something that I love talking about and helping women cultivate. I tend to be very straight up in my advice because that's my personality one, and two, to me, men really are not that hard to figure out.

Of course, anything I say should only be directed towards mentally and spiritually healthy men who are genuinely interested in a building a relationship because Lord knows I don't play that "How can I get him to like me?" "Or how can I get him to stop mistreating me?" $hyt.

If I were to start off with one piece of advice to both single and married ladies it's to first respect and learn to appreciate the positive differences between men and women because they are abundantly wonderful and quite enjoyable. This does not mean that you need to learn how to love and accept misogyny, community peen-ism, brute force, fuqboyshyt, or any other crap that many men try to pass off as "normal", it just means that we should stop stacking up his way of thinking and moving against our feminine ideal because even though the best dudes have the capacity to love, heal, nuture, and empathize, the fact remains that he, not you, is a man and still views the world through masculine lenses.




If by "on his toes" you mean "consistently interested" then you can only accomplish this by shifting your focus from him to growing in ways that you find interesting. Each man is different so it's absolutely impossible to gauge what will tickle your man in mind's fancy so I would start by saying do you and do not allow your entire world to be wrapped up in that man. Be sweetly unapologetic about it, and those who like it will be thoroughly smitten, and those who don't can kick rocks.

Next I would advise that you don't expose him too much to your personal routines and the like. I've heard many women proudly exclaim "My SO or husband knows EVERYTHING" about me, and I'm like "Girl why??"

Not sure if this makes sense?

Edited to add...NO! Marriage does not make a difference. If anything it heightens the necessity to be authenticly you.
Click to expand...

Yes! this all makes sense. Thanks. I know that I can't make him stick around and that he'll always be around by choice...I just wasn't sure how to word the question.

Another question for the married ladies...how do you go about getting what you want? For example, my bf has mentioned us spending more time together, but he hasn't been making more time for me. We've already discussed it (he brought it up) so I am not pressed to bring it up again. However, he hasn't made moves. How should I proceed in this case? What are your general tips for partners who don't follow through?
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
How to act like you have a rotation until you get a rotation?

As mentioned upthread, I'm another person living in a college-to-marriage area where single people are scarce. But I don't want prospects to recognize this disadvantage. :look:
Click to expand...

During a phone conversation, interrupt him by saying "Ohhhh I gotta take this call. Can I talk to you later?"

When he tries to make last minute plans on a Friday tell him "I would love to but when I didn't hear from you earlier this week I made other plans (to sit on my couch)"

Let his call go to voicemail sometimes

Return his text messages...2 days later

Go on dates...by yourself to Starbucks or your favorite coffee house

See...Instant rotation!
 
AnjelLuvsUBabe said:
Ok so here goes, no DM's cause there may be other ladies that are like me or with similar circumstances...

I am very washy when it comes to relationships because of childhood experiences, yadda yadda, yea I know a fully grown woman... Never really, well never been in a relationship, mostly sexing myself out in hopes of making it to girlfriend status. Nowadays since not sexing not really involved with any dudes, then the dudes that I do entertain are the wrong ones but I hold on, like WTF to self... and, as the true cancerian that I am when ish hit the fan, I draw back into shell. Lately, been going at it hard with the idea that I can do this. I refuse to believe I am a lost cause. Also really incorporating the M.O. in other thread fakingit till you make it, over years confidence has plummeted.

A couple of questions:

- How would you go about the following: Met a man, exchanged numbers on some kinda networking stuff, would you reach out to them? I mean the do have your number.
- Say someone on a social media site hits you via DM with number and asks you to call them? yea you fine and all but why you reaching out to me...
Click to expand...

I'm a Cancerian too.

To answer your questions...no and no.
I think I posted this in the lean back thread but I reached out and called a man who had gotten my number and called me. He didn't leave a message and didnt call back so I called him. I later found out that he had thrown my number away and that I was one of many women he had hit on that day. He wasn't truly interested in me, he was playing the odds and since I pursued him with that phone call, he had the upper hand and went for it.

All that to say if a man is interested, he will call you and he will leave a message and/or call you back. If he doesn't, he's not interested. Period. It's not rocket science and there's no need to torture yourself with thoughts of "what if I miss my chance?"

Don't take it personal, because it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Not every man will be interested enough to pursue you and that's ok. But the pursuit is step 1 and if a man can't do that part right, you don't want him.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
How to act like you have a rotation until you get a rotation?

As mentioned upthread, I'm another person living in a college-to-marriage area where single people are scarce. But I don't want prospects to recognize this disadvantage. :look:
Click to expand...
Make yourself busy. Fake it if you need to...you can be at home but you better act like you are out having too much fun to be worried about him.
 
AnjelLuvsUBabe said:
Ok so here goes, no DM's cause there may be other ladies that are like me or with similar circumstances...

I am very washy when it comes to relationships because of childhood experiences, yadda yadda, yea I know a fully grown woman... Never really, well never been in a relationship, mostly sexing myself out in hopes of making it to girlfriend status. Nowadays since not sexing not really involved with any dudes, then the dudes that I do entertain are the wrong ones but I hold on, like WTF to self... and, as the true cancerian that I am when ish hit the fan, I draw back into shell. Lately, been going at it hard with the idea that I can do this. I refuse to believe I am a lost cause. Also really incorporating the M.O. in other thread fakingit till you make it, over years confidence has plummeted.

A couple of questions:

- How would you go about the following: Met a man, exchanged numbers on some kinda networking stuff, would you reach out to them? I mean the do have your number.
- Say someone on a social media site hits you via DM with number and asks you to call them? yea you fine and all but why you reaching out to me...
Click to expand...
Don't call a man that sends you his number saying call me.
 
Southernbella. said:
All that to say if a man is interested, he will call you and he will leave a message and/or call you back. If he doesn't, he's not interested. Period. It's not rocket science and there's no need to torture yourself with thoughts of "what if I miss my chance?"

Don't take it personal, because it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Not every man will be interested enough to pursue you and that's ok. But the pursuit is step 1 and if a man can't do that part right, you don't want hI'm.


This bears repeating. Women meet one man, have one conversation, one date and then they're overanalyzing his level of interest. Worried about if he will or will not pursue. Every man isn't for you and isn't going to pursue you. If you meet a guy and he doesn't call right away or calls sporadically, move on. Don't reply. There are a million other men in the world. Men are about action. If he wants to call you, he will cross a mountain to find the nearest phone. Stay away from lukewarm men. Lukewarm men, coffee, and showers never warm up, they get colder.
Click to expand...
 
SurferBabe said:
This thread rocks! Thanks for this. :toocool:

Also, how can a woman position herself to make it easy for these men to approach? Many of us struggle with the "stare but won't approach" syndrome in men. Are these guys even worth the effort?
:nervous2:
Click to expand...

Positioning is everything. You have to learn how to be passively aggressive. I was always boy crazy but also shy, so I never approached guys. I would just constantly put myself in their line of fire until they talked to me lol. If a guy I liked was in a particular club at school, I joined that club.

There was a guy at my church who I found him attractive so I joined the volunteer group he was in to put myself in his line of fire. This has worked for me almost every time and it also made me feel in control. We don't do the pursuing but that doesn't mean we have to be passive. There are lots of men out there who think they just happened upon their wives one day and have no idea that she deliberately put herself in his line of fire.

Like Zaynab said, this requires getting out there and being seen. If you go somewhere and there are attractive men there, keep going back. If you see a guy you're interested in and can figure out where he hangs out, what gym he goes to, etc, you go and hang out there too.
 
Mai Tai said:
During a phone conversation, interrupt him by saying "Ohhhh I gotta take this call. Can I talk to you later?"

When he tries to make last minute plans on a Friday tell him "I would love to but when I didn't hear from you earlier this week I made other plans (to sit on my couch)"

Let his call go to voicemail sometimes

Return his text messages...2 days later

Go on dates...by yourself to Starbucks or your favorite coffee house

See...Instant rotation!
Click to expand...

Yep. All of this. Single women are just too available trying to 'prove' to a man you're open to dating him. Making yourself too available makes it seem like you're desperate/dull/boring/clingy. You don't have to prove anything or make yourself so open/available to a man that has no commitment to you. If he wants you to be available all the time, then he can marry you.
 
C@ssandr@ said:
Yes! this all makes sense. Thanks. I know that I can't make him stick around and that he'll always be around by choice...I just wasn't sure how to word the question.

Another question for the married ladies...how do you go about getting what you want? For example, my bf has mentioned us spending more time together, but he hasn't been making more time for me. We've already discussed it (he brought it up) so I am not pressed to bring it up again. However, he hasn't made moves. How should I proceed in this case? What are your general tips for partners who don't follow through?
Click to expand...

Sorry so long...

The way I work is once my husband promises to do something, I (silently) hold him accountable to it and will not "pick up the slack" if he defaults on that promise. I know it sounds wrong, and yes occasionally he's defaulted in big ways but I'm in this for the long run. I can handle temporary inconvenience for a long term behavior change.

Example...My husband was really bad about filling up the gas tank in my SUV. He had no problem pumping the gas but he liked to wait until it was running on fumes before pulling into a Shell station. One year, the night before Thanksgiving, I nagged him about the gas and he decided to wait. To myself, I was like "This is THE LAST time I'm going to remind him. We just gonna have to run out of gas one day!"

Do you know that this man ran out of gas on the highway that night?! When he called I simply paused for about 10 seconds and was like "Baby, you need to preserve your battery life so call me once you've refueled and are safely on your way back home." I never had to gloat, or say "I told you so."

That night the car battery ended up dead because he left the flashers on thus requiring him to call Geico's roadside assistance for a jump but when the guy arrived his jump box wasn't charged. Geico then had to tow my precious vehicle to a lot that had the proper equipment to for a jump.

Even though his repeated phone calls to cuss/vent about the situation plus Geico calling me to verify each step of the process had me up all night I sat at home cute and unbothered like...

enhanced-26298-1432220843-2.jpg



I say allllll of that to say that sometimes men have to learn the hard way and in the situation with your SO needs to know what it feels like to miss you. He's not carrying through on his promise to make more time for you so get busy. Fill your personal schedule with random mess so you become a little more scarce when he does have time. If he's a good dude, he'll start to learn that when he says he's going to make time for you he needs to actually do it.
 
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What do you ladies think about social media while dating? IG, and FB, specifically. Should a woman add a man she is seeing to her SM? What kind of pics should she avoid posting (besides the obvious thirst traps)?

Basically, what advice would you give if any, in regards to SM?
 
SurferBabe said:
Very solid advice! And the bolded is encouraging. I travel a lot and have the freedom to move so I'm going to try my luck at making some out of state connections as well. Thank you!
Click to expand...
I absolutely have always encouraged single ladies, especially with no children to move for jobs, love or change. If your job puts you in contact with more options to meet available men, great. I think fear of change and a comfort zone stops most people from considering moving out dating LD. I moved states away with two kids and the who side-eyed that are just too afraid to do the same and mad that I wasn't.
 
This thread has such perfect timing! :)

My mantra is if a man wants to get to know you, he will take actions indicating so. He will call you, he'll ask to spend time with you, he'll pay :look:, he'll ask you questions, he'll answer your questions about his life and where he's going, he'll vet you to see if you meet his standards. You won't have to question where the relationship is going because he'll tell you unequivocally he only wants to date you and no one else.

I'm a reclusive introvert that likes to socialize on occasion so I'm great at keeping a man at arms length and make him think I've got a rotation whether or not I actually do, I've got plans with my girlfriends or I've decided I don't want to interact with other humans and I'm binge-watching Dateline or something on Netflix. It's letting a man in I have problems with. :abducted::look:

I've fully adopted the MDLWLY mentality. I'm the Queen, I'm the prize and any man trying to date me is entering my court. He is first a peasant, then my Favourite if he becomes my SO.

Southernbella. said:
Positioning is everything. You have to learn how to be passively aggressive. I was always boy crazy but also shy, so I never approached guys. I would just constantly put myself in their line of fire until they talked to me lol. If a guy I liked was in a particular club at school, I joined that club.

There was a guy at my church who I found him attractive so I joined the volunteer group he was in to put myself in his line of fire. This has worked for me almost every time and it also made me feel in control. We don't do the pursuing but that doesn't mean we have to be passive. There are lots of men out there who think they just happened upon their wives one day and have no idea that she deliberately put herself in his line of fire.

Like Zaynab said, this requires getting out there and being seen. If you go somewhere and there are attractive men there, keep going back. If you see a guy you're interested in and can figure out where he hangs out, what gym he goes to, etc, you go and hang out there too.
Click to expand...

I've been doing this since I was a little girl. :lachen:It's second nature. If nothing else, it allows me to see if he's worth me liking. :look: Another time I was at a friend's birthday party and the hottest man I'd seen in years walked in. We were with a group of people who cleared out except for him and one of my friends tried to get me to join them and I'm like 'hayle no I'm staying right here.' We spent the rest of the party talking to each other just me and him. :p
 
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TwoSnapsUp said:
What do you ladies think about social media while dating? IG, and FB, specifically. Should a woman add a man she is seeing to her SM? What kind of pics should she avoid posting (besides the obvious thirst traps)?

Basically, what advice would you give if any, in regards to SM?
Click to expand...
I think adding him is fine if y'all are seriously dating. I wouldn't post half naked pics
I would say let the man post photos first of y'all together as a couple. I wouldn't date a man that was super heavy on SM either.
 
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