comfort level re: interracial dating

[qchelle]

Oh,...the interracial dating life? Lol

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

i mean thats kind of a deliberately offensive/naive question?

i gave a sort of flippant response but if the question is why date interracially at all knowing that interracial relationships have interracial issues im going to be straight up and tell you its about the trade off. now personally this may not even end up being relevant to me bc im not married, or engaged, so i may end up with a black man.

but im going to say honestly that money is a very high priority for me now (it wasnt always but frankly im tired of living the struggle life and if there is a shortcut im going to take it) and i am looking to date men who provide financially. that is not race dependent. but i dont live in unicorn land either. so for me its a toss up.

I didn't mean to sound offensive or naive. I didn't mean why put up with an interracial relationship. I meant in general (vague on purpose) what is a person's reason for putting up with something--anything. I wanted to know how you felt and what you are dealing with. There is love and attraction and there is a level where someone will decide whether they will stay or go. Everyone has one whether they know it or not.

What makes someone say stay and what makes someone say go. I wanted to know what were the reasons to stay. A little nosy I know.

 

[CaraWalker]

I didn't mean to sound offensive or naive. I didn't mean why put up with an interracial relationship. I meant in general (vague on purpose) what is a person's reason for putting up with something--anything. I wanted to know how you felt and what you are dealing with. There is love and attraction and there is a level where someone will decide whether they will stay or go. Everyone has one whether they know it or not. What makes someone say stay and what makes someone say go. I wanted to know what were the reasons to stay. A little nosy I know.

i think sometimes the interracial aspect does factor in the break up for me. my ex was indian and he had a lot of weird issues with race that werent necessarily problematic in and of themself but could be if you saw a reason to take issue with them. before me all his serious relationships were with white women and that always bothered me because i know indians have a lot of race issues. i eventually decided he had a lot of self hate issues, not just related to race but it definitely was a large part of it, and that definitely factored into my desire to end the relationship.

funnily enough the next girl he dated after me is black, go figure. i know why hes doing it but his issues arent any of my concern anymore

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

^^^Maybe race was an issue in those examples. It sounds like the men had issues with race and were dealing with something maybe internal. If you don't want to deal with those internal issues that may become external issues, then don't. Would it be a good guess that his issues were becoming more than the attraction (or love) for him? Nothing is wrong with that. In fact, you are better off knowing what your threshold is because you will better deal with those issues in the future if they come up.

 

[Solila]

I didn't mean to sound offensive or naive. I didn't mean why put up with an interracial relationship. I meant in general (vague on purpose) what is a person's reason for putting up with something--anything. I wanted to know how you felt and what you are dealing with. There is love and attraction and there is a level where someone will decide whether they will stay or go. Everyone has one whether they know it or not.

What makes someone say stay and what makes someone say go. I wanted to know what were the reasons to stay. A little nosy I know.

ThirdEyeBeauty I think its always the same answer: a hope for change, on the man's end of the relationship.

Then you realize they are men and they are not the smartest tools in the shed. Lmao

 

[Oasis]

Oasis, if you have to ask then all is well for you.

ThirdEyeBeauty, i don't know if you're being shady or not.

 

[qchelle]

And I'm just confused at this point

 

[CaraWalker]

^^^Maybe race was an issue in those examples. It sounds like the men had issues with race and were dealing with something maybe internal. If you don't want to deal with those internal issues that may become external issues, then don't. Would it be a good guess that his issues were becoming more than the attraction (or love) for him? Nothing is wrong with that. In fact, you are better off knowing what your threshold is because you will better deal with those issues in the future if they come up.

personally this is not a problem for me - i know where my threshold is and usually am pretty aware right off the bat if there are going to be too many issues present for me to get involved. it had nothing to do with attraction or love (not sure what you meant by that). i didnt want to be in a relationship with this guy in the first place but there was a whole lot of crap going on and it just sort of happened. i knew he so-called had a "thing" for redheads in the beginning, and recognized it as a red flag right off the bat, which is why we were "friends" for a good six months or so before the relationship came about.

anyway. i would wager that most women who have dated non-black men are aware that there will be issues, and have a line that cannot be crossed. just because these issues exist, it doesnt mean they are the dominant thing in the relationship, but i know it would probably sound like that if its not something that you would invite into your life in any capacity.

 

[CaraWalker]

ThirdEyeBeauty, i don't know if you're being shady or not.

I didn't mean to sound offensive or naive. I didn't mean why put up with an interracial relationship. I meant in general (vague on purpose) what is a person's reason for putting up with something--anything. I wanted to know how you felt and what you are dealing with. There is love and attraction and there is a level where someone will decide whether they will stay or go. Everyone has one whether they know it or not.

What makes someone say stay and what makes someone say go. I wanted to know what were the reasons to stay. A little nosy I know.

i think that answers your question

 

[Oasis]

was your ex born in india or here?

 

[CaraWalker]

he was born in india but moved here when he was like 2 or something. his parents didnt move to america til then

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

ThirdEyeBeauty, i don't know if you're being shady or not.

Not being shady

 

[Oasis]

Not being shady

ok, i understand now.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I agree with you, but out of curiosity, how would your father (for example) react to you bringing your new SO to dinner? Dads are usually tough.

@Solila

Good question! Well, my biological father is dead unfortunately, so I can't tell you EXACTLY how he would have reacted, but I"m pretty sure he wouldn't have had a problem with it. Fathers are probably uncomfy no matter WHO their precious daughters bring home to date lol, so I'm pretty sure he would have been more worried about whether the guy was upstanding, a good person, treated me well, was spiritual-minded, etc. But as far as having a problem with the dude SIMPLY because he was of a different race?? Naaah...I don't see my father being that way.

Now my step-father on the other hand, he definitely couldn't care less. My mom couldn't care less. All they want is my happiness. My family not only has IRR relationships and marriages all in it, but I was also raised in a religious household that taught love for one another and so race come secondary to other things. I have white brothers and sisters, hispanic brothers and sisters, Asian brothers and sisters, etc. I'm cognizant of "race" (of course), but a person's race doesn't make or break them in my book. I'm comfortable w/all people. If you're cool w/me, I'm cool with you. That's just how I was raised. #shrug

Several times he went to restaurants where they made him feel uncomfortable for being white. Though only once (that he told me) did they actually ask he and his friends to leave.

When you stand a head above the tallest man, it's hard to blend in, people stare, point fingers, treat you differently. Most assumed he didn't speak the language and were surprised when he spoke it fluently. More than once he'd hear someone talking about 'that tall outsider' before they realized!

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

Wow...very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing your SO's experience. That's something you don't hear of everyday. I know it exists.....SOMEWHERE , but it's not the norm.