comfort level re: interracial dating

CaraWalker said:
ok im curious what you guys think about this

the background event was basically that i was dating a white guy and one night when he asked me to meet up with him while his cousin's parents were in town, i got there and he basically tricked me into meeting his parents. since he didnt tell me his parents were going to be there, i asked him if he had warned his parents what to expect when i got there ie that i am black.

they acted nervous and unnaturally polite in a way that let me know they didnt expect a black girl to walk in the door :lol: and i feel like i have been invited out with friends of someone im dating who have the same reaction.

personally i would prefer that the person im dating mention that i am black. i dont see how it couldnt come up, because isnt one of the first things someone asks when you tell them youre dating someone is either "what does he/she do" and "what does he/she look like?" personally my comfort level is that i dont show up as a surprise "guess who's coming to dinner" :lol:

but i know some people would prefer it not to be made into a big deal, or see any need for the person to mention it. im just not really with the whole idea of colorblind. we notice race. we should be able to talk about race. we shouldn't pretend like race doesn't exist, imo.

so whats your comfort level? do you care if you show up to meet an SO's whoever for the first time and they didn't know you were black? or do you think it's part of polite society to not need to address it?
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His parents were probably nervous because they didn't know you were coming to dinner either. :lol: Personally I don't care that's up to him, I really don't care what people think. It's not really their business anyhow what my race is. If he had racist parents who would make rude comments then yeah he should have told you. He should have told you anyway honestly. Meeting parents is a big deal to many gf/bf outside of race.

I don't want anyone racially conscious to the point of always introducing me as the Black gf. Pet peeve of mine. I want the connection I have with my lover to transcend race.
 
CurlyMoo said:
His parents were probably nervous because they didn't know you were coming to dinner either. :lol: Personally I don't care that's up to him, I really don't care what people think. It's not really their business anyhow what my race is. If he had racist parents who would make rude comments then yeah he should have told you. He should have told you anyway honestly. Meeting parents is a big deal to many gf/bf outside of race.

I don't want anyone racially conscious to the point of always introducing me as the Black gf. Pet peeve of mine. I want the connection I have with my lover to transcend race.
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Same here. :yep: I'd rather they see me as a woman FIRST..... But maybe that's just me. I don't like it when people feel the need to walk all over egg shells. Just treat me like anyone else. Forget race. Forget color. Underneath we're all the same flesh and blood. True, culturally we may be different, but at the end of the day....if you treat me nicely and I treat you nicely, why does it matter what color/race we are?? :confused:
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Same here. :yep: I'd rather they see me as a woman FIRST..... But maybe that's just me. I don't like it when people feel the need to walk all over egg shells. Just treat me like anyone else. Forget race. Forget color. Underneath we're all the same flesh and blood. True, culturally we may be different, but at the end of the day....if you treat me nicely and I treat you nicely, why does it matter what color/race we are?? :confused:
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I agree with you, but out of curiosity, how would your father (for example) react to you bringing your new SO to dinner? Dads are usually tough.
 
Solila said:
I agree with you, but out of curiosity, how would your father (for example) react to you bringing your new SO to dinner? Dads are usually tough.
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Solila

This wasn't directed at me but I will answer it for comedic purposes.

My father would have been thrilled. In fact he encouraged me to date White. :lol:
 
CurlyMoo said:
Solila

This wasn't directed at me but I will answer it for comedic purposes.

My father would have been thrilled. In fact he encouraged me to date White. :lol:
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:lol: My parents a different, I feel like my mom would question where she went wrong. She's lucky I prefer black men.
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Same here. :yep: I'd rather they see me as a woman FIRST..... But maybe that's just me. I don't like it when people feel the need to walk all over egg shells. Just treat me like anyone else. Forget race. Forget color. Underneath we're all the same flesh and blood. True, culturally we may be different, but at the end of the day....if you treat me nicely and I treat you nicely, why does it matter what color/race we are?? :confused:
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Yes, I want my man to SEE me. Know who I am and understand me on a level that most people don't. Probably why I don't date interracially often because many White males are not capable of doing that with a Black woman. I get turned off when race comes up within the first 5 minutes of being in each others presence.
 
julzinha said:
:lol: My parents a different, I feel like my mom would question where she went wrong. She's lucky I prefer black men.
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I feel like my mom would want my first choice to be Black but she just wants me to be happy and preferably that it be a man. :lol:
 
CurlyMoo said:
Yes, I want my man to SEE me. Know who I am and understand me on a level that most people don't. Probably why I don't date interracially often because many White males are not capable of doing that with a Black woman. I get turned off when race comes up within the first 5 minutes of being in each others presence.
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:yep: I completely understand. I feel like there is always a pretense of race when dating interracially, no matter how much they love and respect you, you will always be a black woman to them, never just a woman and there will be moments when they treat you accordingly.

I think the other big issue for me is I want to have a space of blackness in my life. Living in America as a black woman, you are forced to contain yourself in public, at work, and most settings. We are conditioned to understand that our behavior will always work against us because of stereotypes. I want to be able to go home and see blackness with a black husband and kids where I don't feel like the other.
 
julzinha said:
:yep: I completely understand. I feel like there is always a pretense of race when dating interracially, no matter how much they love and respect you, you will always be a black woman to them, never just a woman and there will be moments when they treat you accordingly.

I think the other big issue for me is I want to have a space of blackness in my life. Living in America as a black woman, you are forced to contain yourself in public, at work, and most settings. We are conditioned to understand that our behavior will always work against us because of stereotypes. I want to be able to go home and see blackness with a black husband and kids where I don't feel like the other.
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The bold is a topic in itself. Black women and self containment. I wish some Black women at work would contain themselves. :lol: To be honest everyone should behave themselves in public but what a boring world this would be without those who act a fool every now and then.

I also think the bolded can be tied into interracial dating as well. We just want to be ourselves vs the stereotype of who we are. I am really at the point in my life where I spend less time in my head worried about what people think and just do what makes me happy. People really spend too much time in their head.
 
julzinha said:
:yep: I completely understand. I feel like there is always a pretense of race when dating interracially, no matter how much they love and respect you, you will always be a black woman to them, never just a woman and there will be moments when they treat you accordingly. I think the other big issue for me is I want to have a space of blackness in my life. Living in America as a black woman, you are forced to contain yourself in public, at work, and most settings. We are conditioned to understand that our behavior will always work against us because of stereotypes. I want to be able to go home and see blackness with a black husband and kids where I don't feel like the other.
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i think it boils down to personal preference. i have seen the opposite preference here - whereas in my case i feel like im a black woman before im a woman. i dont want anyone to see me as a woman divorced from my blackness. but i know that wouldnt work for a lot of other women and its not something they feel is relevant on lots of levels.

then again, im one of those people who spend a lot of time in their head. and ideally i am looking for a partner who is also very self aware. not self conscious; self aware. theres a lid for every pot and thats who i am and what i need.

that being said i have often found the opposite problem when i am dating black men. i find that black men are quick to dismiss racial impact in various situations and are not willing to chalk up certain incidences to being racially motivated. ive sort of come to a place in dating where for me i cant necessarily assume you will be more knowledgeable about race and racial concerns just because you are also black. odds are a person of color will still be more aware than the average white person but i dont assume that will be the case.
 
I actually find the opposite more annoying. There are some guys out there who are a little naive. They see a cool, pretty woman who happens to be black. If you bring up anything to do with blackness they are a little shocked like: 0_0 "oh": Can you just go back to being a fun woman again?:look:

I'm with a non black man who sees me as a black woman (because I am:spinning:) and I love it. That doesn't = being treated as a stereotype, or badly. He's proud of his culture also, so I see that as an important part of him too. I'm personally not interested at this stage of my life to be seen as any old woman. I need to know he gets that part of me as well as the rest.

I would not be impressed with someone who seemed overly fixed on race (v.s acknowledgement at appropriate times), but colourblind types can be just as harmful in the long run.

I have never had a white guy bring up my race on a date ever. Although it does come to a certain point that it would worry me if they NEVER commented on any subject to do with race even further on down the line. Usually because they are not comfortable with it which is no good for me.

I still don't really curr about the parents thing. If they are racist then telling em isn't going to change that, so I'd prefer a real time reaction.:lol: Luckily it's all been fine in my experiences.
 
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right. i want awareness. not hyperaware but not "colorblind" either. in my case it would lean toward slightly heightened sensitivity/awareness to race, because im a little more sensitive to race issues in general.
 
My FH isn't color blind by any means. He lived in a country where he was the minority and was discriminated against for being white. It's not exactly the same but he gets it to a point.

Race is definitely not a focus on our relationship. We are just a man and a woman as far as we're concerned.

Sent from my iPad mini mini.
 
Briabiggles said:
My FH isn't color blind by any means. He lived in a country where he was the minority and was discriminated against for being white. It's not exactly the same but he gets it to a point.

Race is definitely not a focus on our relationship. We are just a man and a woman as far as we're concerned.

Sent from my iPad mini mini.
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What country was that?
 
Briabiggles said:
My FH isn't color blind by any means. He lived in a country where he was the minority and was discriminated against for being white. It's not exactly the same but he gets it to a point. Race is definitely not a focus on our relationship. We are just a man and a woman as far as we're concerned. Sent from my iPad mini mini.
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How was he discriminated against?
 
LaBelleLL said:
How was he discriminated against?
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Several times he went to restaurants where they made him feel uncomfortable for being white. Though only once (that he told me) did they actually ask he and his friends to leave.

When you stand a head above the tallest man, it's hard to blend in, people stare, point fingers, treat you differently. Most assumed he didn't speak the language and were surprised when he spoke it fluently. More than once he'd hear someone talking about 'that tall outsider' before they realized! :lol:

Sent from my iPad mini mini.
 
Briabiggles said:
Several times he went to restaurants where they made him feel uncomfortable for being white. Though only once (that he told me) did they actually ask he and his friends to leave.

When you stand a head above the tallest man, it's hard to blend in, people stare, point fingers, treat you differently. Most assumed he didn't speak the language and were surprised when he spoke it fluently. More than once he'd hear someone talking about 'that tall outsider' before they realized! :lol:

Sent from my iPad mini mini.
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This is very interesting. We've been discriminated against. I think that just goes with being in an irr. I noticed it happens more in the states though. In other places, like the Caribbean, he's had no problems. Even with me and my culture, no real problems.
 
Solila said:
This is very interesting. We've been discriminated against. I think that just goes with being in an irr. I noticed it happens more in the states though. In other places, like the Caribbean, he's had no problems. Even with me and my culture, no real problems.
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Oh, that wasn't against us as a couple. Those were a few of his experiences when he lived in Japan. He's not completely bind when it comes to race having been judged himself.

As a couple we haven't experienced any outright discrimination. Sent from my iPad mini mini.
 
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keyawarren said:
Well, have you ever loved or cared about somebody before?

You don't stop wanting to be with them because of some stranger's opinion. At least I hope that's not the case :look:
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I'm not talking about stranger's opinion. I am talking about the man's action. You better rely on more than just love if you are willing to put up with a person.
 
qchelle said:
Yea, what kind of life? Lol
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i mean thats kind of a deliberately offensive/naive question? :lol:

i gave a sort of flippant response but if the question is why date interracially at all knowing that interracial relationships have interracial issues :lol: im going to be straight up and tell you its about the trade off. now personally this may not even end up being relevant to me bc im not married, or engaged, so i may end up with a black man.

but im going to say honestly that money is a very high priority for me now (it wasnt always but frankly im tired of living the struggle life and if there is a shortcut im going to take it) and i am looking to date men who provide financially. that is not race dependent. but i dont live in unicorn land either. so for me its a toss up.
 
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