comfort level re: interracial dating

[CaraWalker]

ok im curious what you guys think about this

the background event was basically that i was dating a white guy and one night when he asked me to meet up with him while his cousin's parents were in town, i got there and he basically tricked me into meeting his parents. since he didnt tell me his parents were going to be there, i asked him if he had warned his parents what to expect when i got there ie that i am black.

they acted nervous and unnaturally polite in a way that let me know they didnt expect a black girl to walk in the door and i feel like i have been invited out with friends of someone im dating who have the same reaction.

personally i would prefer that the person im dating mention that i am black. i dont see how it couldnt come up, because isnt one of the first things someone asks when you tell them youre dating someone is either "what does he/she do" and "what does he/she look like?" personally my comfort level is that i dont show up as a surprise "guess who's coming to dinner"

but i know some people would prefer it not to be made into a big deal, or see any need for the person to mention it. im just not really with the whole idea of colorblind. we notice race. we should be able to talk about race. we shouldn't pretend like race doesn't exist, imo.

so whats your comfort level? do you care if you show up to meet an SO's whoever for the first time and they didn't know you were black? or do you think it's part of polite society to not need to address it?

 

[Briabiggles]

I think it's important to have full disclosure so YOU don't walk into an awkward situation. It shouldn't be made into a big deal but it's natural to use race to describe someone if you're telling your friends about them. For them to not know is weird. Like he was hiding it.

I asked my FH point blank on our second date if his family would have issues with him dating a black girl. Without hesitation, he said no. His uncle has been with a black woman for 30 years. His sister dates interracially. He has a mixed race cousin. His family is incredibly open and loving to everyone regardless of race or whatever! After that, I knew there wouldn't be any issues.

 

[meka72]

Does he have a history of dating black women? If so, maybe it didn't need to be mentioned because they know his preferences?

Why did he lied about who they were?

 

[CaraWalker]

he knew i didnt want to meet his damn parents that was not a relationship that i considered to have any potential, so if he had asked me to do it i wouldnt have gone... but thats another story (his cousins parents actually were there as well but it was one of those we all raised the kids families)

 

[Briabiggles]

he knew i didnt want to meet his damn parents that was not a relationship that i considered to have any potential, so if he had asked me to do it i wouldnt have gone... but thats another story

That's not fair that he tricked you! D*ick face.

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

 

[Oasis]

i told my bf to tell his parents before i met them but he refused. he claimed his family "isn't like that" and that his dad had facebook so he would have seen pics of us posted. he also said his brother was dating a white girl and they had no problem with it. like, of course your asian parents are not going to have a problem with your brother dating a blonde/blue russian med student but ***** im black and i aint no doctor.

if/when we break up i will never date a non-black guy again but i strongly prefer for the parents to know i'm black.

 

[CaraWalker]

I think it's important to have full disclosure so YOU don't walk into an awkward situation. It shouldn't be made into a big deal but it's natural to use race to describe someone if you're telling your friends about them. For them to not know is weird. Like he was hiding it.

I asked my FH point blank on our second date if his family would have issues with him dating a black girl. Without hesitation, he said no. His uncle has been with a black woman for 30 years. His sister dates interracially. He has a mixed race cousin. His family is incredibly open and loving to everyone regardless of race or whatever! After that, I knew there wouldn't be any issues.

i think some people feel like they dont want a guy to tell people beforehand because he wouldnt do that if she were white. im not white so i have different rules.

 

[CaraWalker]

i told my bf to tell his parents before i met them but he refused. he claimed his family "isn't like that" and that his dad had facebook so he would have seen pics of us posted. he also said his brother was dating a white girl and they had no problem with it. like, of course your asian parents are not going to have a problem with your brother dating a blonde/blue russian med student but ***** im black and i aint no doctor.

if/when we break up i will never date a non-black guy again but i strongly prefer for the parents to know i'm black.

how did you get here? i remember the last time i had a conversation with you about your indian bf you didnt seem like you felt that way

 

[Briabiggles]

i had someone tell me she didnt want a guy to tell people beforehand because he wouldnt do that if she were white. i said im not white so i have different rules.

Completely different rules. If you're dating someone 'out of the ordinary' you generally mention it....

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

 

[Oasis]

how did you get here? i remember the last time i had a conversation with you about your indian bf you didnt seem like you felt that way

it's not him. i just didn't realize until recently that i have very little interest in non-black men.

 

[CaraWalker]

btw Oasis, something similar happened with my indian bf's parents (but, again, i never wanted to meet them because i knew pretty early on that our relationship had an expiration date)

last summer i was staying at his apt 24/7 and his parents and sister were coming to visit for the fourth of july (i actually had a date that night/this is before we were monogamous but thats another story ). i asked him if they knew i was black, and his way of dealing with that was to tell his parents i was black and i hated indian people his mom took that to mean he didnt really want them to come, and he had to call and tell her he was just joking

man, i skillfully had to avoid meeting his family they were around a lot. whenever they were going to come over, i went back home. once i dropped him off from somewhere and his sister had just arrived at his place and was at a car outside, and i dropped him off on the corner

 

[qchelle]

btw @Oasis, something similar happened with my indian bf's parents (but, again, i never wanted to meet them because i knew pretty early on that our relationship had an expiration date)

last summer i was staying at his apt 24/7 and his parents and sister were coming to visit for the fourth of july (i actually had a date that night/this is before we were monogamous but thats another story ). i asked him if they knew i was black, and his way of dealing with that was to tell his parents i was black and i hated indian people his mom took that to mean he didnt really want them to come, and he had to call and tell her he was just joking

man, i skillfully had to avoid meeting his family they were around a lot. whenever they were going to come over, i went back home. once i dropped him off from somewhere and his sister had just arrived at his place and was at a car outside, and i dropped him off on the corner

Eww why was his family coming over his house so damn much? He's a single person whose family visits his single-person dwelling often? That is so weird to me (Can you tell my parents never visit me? lmao)

 

[CaraWalker]

i end up dating a lot of guys who hang out with their family all the freaking time. part of it is because they are family oriented i guess, but there is also this thing about my city where people my age live in the city and their families live in the cheaper suburbs, so a lot of the time people go "home" for the weekend to spend time with their family. its REALLY annoying. my family lives in the outer burbs and i do it too but not nearly as often. its a weird thing about this city that i didnt realise until i started being in serious relationships.

 

[Oasis]

btw Oasis, something similar happened with my indian bf's parents (but, again, i never wanted to meet them because i knew pretty early on that our relationship had an expiration date)

last summer i was staying at his apt 24/7 and his parents and sister were coming to visit for the fourth of july (i actually had a date that night/this is before we were monogamous but thats another story ). i asked him if they knew i was black, and his way of dealing with that was to tell his parents i was black and i hated indian people his mom took that to mean he didnt really want them to come, and he had to call and tell her he was just joking

man, i skillfully had to avoid meeting his family they were around a lot. whenever they were going to come over, i went back home. once i dropped him off from somewhere and his sister had just arrived at his place and was at a car outside, and i dropped him off on the corner

i tried to avoid meeting his parents for as long as humanly possible. i met them separately and both times i was literally crouched down hiding.but now i love his family and it's one of the reasons i'm hesitant to end things.

 

[qchelle]

Oh, to respond to your OP: the way you described them acting when you walked in (lol), would tell me they're not used to him dating black girls. Which would, to me, imply that he wanted me to meet them for 'shock factor'. Which would further imply that he is one of 'those'. Which would end any further communication with him.

which which which lol

Personally, as long as it doesn't feel like: "surprise, yall! I got me a black girl! hahahaha! Isn't that something?!" (which would mean they're used to his dating patterns, imo) he doesn't have to tell them I'm black. But yea, I don't really see how that wouldn't come up in convo. (Unless he was pointedly avoiding mentioning I'm black...which would also signify a problem.

My SO's dad likes to say at family functions: "yea, he didn't want to tell me she was black, cuz he thought I'd be mad hahahahahaa" Disclaimer: his dad is one of those 'nice-acting' generally bigoted white people. So most things that come out of his mouth is a lie.

 

[qchelle]

i end up dating a lot of guys who hang out with their family all the freaking time. part of it is because they are family oriented i guess, but there is also this thing about my city where people my age live in the city and their families live in the cheaper suburbs, so a lot of the time people go "home" for the weekend to spend time with their family. its REALLY annoying. my family lives in the outer burbs and i do it too but not nearly as often. its a weird thing about this city that i didnt realise until i started being in serious relationships.

Yea, that makes sense. The single child going home to visit their parents. Me and SO do that almost every weekend lol. It's the parents going to visit the single child that's weird to me.

 

[CaraWalker]

Oh, to respond to your OP: the way you described them acting when you walked in (lol), would tell me they're not used to him dating black girls. Which would, to me, imply that he wanted me to meet them for 'shock factor'. Which would further imply that he is one of 'those'. Which would end any further communication with him.

nah he was just a dummy he didnt tell me i was meeting his parents, and he didnt tell them they were meeting a black girl. i think this kind of conflict avoidance is common too, and its why i dont like it, because it raises all of these other questions. but he probably had not dated many other black girls, which is all the more reason he should have faced the awkwardness and said something. his general p-fied behavior was one of the reasons he was just a killing time relationship for me

i had a bf and the first time i met his parents was on christmas, and he had either warned them beforehand or they didnt care either way, but that one only had the "meeting the parents for the first time" awkwardness but i think he had probably mentioned it.

 

[PeaceFlow]

When it comes to non black people who are not used to being around black peeps, especially in the family, that slight awkwardness is still there even if warned.

I've never asked someone to tell, but I do like to have a heads up on whether they know, or not.

 

[Briabiggles]

When it comes to non black people who are not used to being around black peeps, especially in the family, that slight awkwardness is still there even if warned. I've never asked someone to tell, but I do like to have a heads up on whether they know, or not.

Yup. And that goes for other races too.

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I've never met a white guy's parents or family (never dated one seriously enough for all of that), but if it ever happened I hate the idea that my blackness is something they need to be warned about. With the proliferation of facebook and social media they'd probably know without him having to tell them. However, if his parents/family haven't seen pictures I wouldn't require him to make a point to tell them that I'm black before they meet me. If it comes up in conversation, that's cool but if it doesn't I'm cool with that too. It's odd because when I date non-black men I expect them to have a certain level of consciousness but at the same time I don't want them to treat dating me like it's different from dating a woman of their same race/ethnicity. I mean I don't even like when they ask if I'm into or willing to date white/Asian/Hispanic/etc. guys because it's not something they'd ask a white/Asian/Hispanic/etc. woman. It's odd because I can't stand the whole "colorblind" thing. However, I think that there has to be some balance between ignoring the fact that I'm Black and being hyper sensitive to it.

 

[qchelle]

Oh, yea, and my name is a DEAD giveaway lol. I can only be black american

 

[Mortons]

I only date those who prefer Black women so their parents are not surprised at all. They would be surprised to see someone white In that case there is no intro necessary.

Now to reverse it my parents have no idea who to expect, as I have never introduced them to anyone. Wont be preparing them before hand either, will just be a wait and see :loo:

 

[girlonfire]

I have a very limited degree of experience with interracial dating. I never dated seriously at all really. Yes I would want it to be known that I was black because even in this day and age where ird is more common, I still EXPECT people to date their own race, does that make sense? Like I have a coworker who is asian and she talks about her bf frequently. I assumed that he was also asian, but one day on her day off she came into the store to shop and in tow was a burly pasty white guy who she introduced as her boyfriend (yes they are serious, she lives with him and theyve been dating since they were 15, she's turning 20 soon). I wasn't expecting that.

No I wouldn't want my race to be a focal point in the relationship. I dated this one guy (white) who basically made a racial joke everytime we were together which eventually made me uncomfortable. At the same time I agree that race is a basic thing to use to describe someone. It's not "racist". Speaking of which I feel like the word "racist" is used too loosely now a days.

That's all I've got to say about that.

 

[Mortons]

I have a very limited degree of experience with interracial dating. I never dated seriously at all really. Yes I would want it to be known that I was black because even in this day and age where ird is more common, I still EXPECT people to date their own race, does that make sense? Like I have a coworker who is asian and she talks about her bf frequently. I assumed that he was also asian, but one day on her day off she came into the store to shop and in tow was a burly pasty white guy who she introduced as her boyfriend (yes they are serious, she lives with him and theyve been dating since they were 15, she's turning 20 soon). I wasn't expecting that.

If an asian girl talks about her bf I automatically assume that he is white.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

so whats your comfort level? do you care if you show up to meet an SO's whoever for the first time and they didn't know you were black? or do you think it's part of polite society to not need to address it?

CaraWalker

Hmmm...yeah, I can see how this would be an awkward situation.


I've dated interracially before, and usually it's never been a problem meeting the parents. I think I would feel a little differently if I were dating a guy who is heavily rooted in his culture (ie. Asian, Indian, Hispanic) perhaps, but usually white guys have been no problem.

Personally, I don't feel like the bf needs to give out an All Points Bulletin "warning" that I'm black before his family/friends meet me lol , but at the same time....it WOULD be nice to know beforehand that 1) I'm meeting his PARENTS, and 2) that they don't know that I'm black. I'm fine if they don't know, but I want to know that they don't know...I hope that makes sense.

I don't mind the parents being "surprised" or even "overly polite" towards me since this is their first time meeting me. I think even in a black household if a guy brought home a white girl to the parents and the parents didn't know, there would be some awkwardness if the family isn't used to interracial dating.

It seems like you're not that interested in this guy though. Is he more serious about the relationship than you are you think? Most guys do NOT bring their GF's to their family/parents unless they're pretty serious. How long have you two been dating?

Here's another question: How comfortable are YOU with IR dating? Not how many guys have you dated IR, but how comfortable are you IR dating? Sorry for all the questions lol, but I'm just wondering if maybe it was your heightened awareness that you were black in their presence that maybe made you feel the way you did. For some people, IR dating just isn't really for them.

I really think he should have warned you first before just having you meet his parents like that. erplexed

If an asian girl talks about her bf I automatically assume that he is white.

Right!! Those Asian girls have White Guy Radar! They seek them out trust and believe lol

 

[CaraWalker]

It seems like you're not that interested in this guy though. Is he more serious about the relationship than you are you think? Most guys do NOT bring their GF's to their family/parents unless they're pretty serious. How long have you two been dating?

oh, girl, this relationship has already been 86'd. long story short (i talked about it in the other thread) one night we were getting ready to go out and i got a text from a dude i was thirsting for. UNF. i backed out like um yeah i have other plans now... and he asked if it was to meet another guy, or a girl, and i didnt lie because "allegedly" he was ok with me dating other men. i tend to have a habit of being in nonmongamous relationships with men who dont actually want to be nonmonogamous. so i owned up to the fact that i was going out with a guy, and he gave me an ultimatum (AGAIN... this is what happened with the indian) that we either had to be together or be apart. i kept it coasting for awhile after that but eventually i was over it, so he moved back home and sent me drunk texts about how i "broke" him

ya, he was sprung

Here's another question: How comfortable are YOU with IR dating? Not how many guys have you dated IR, but how comfortable are you IR dating?

i am extremely comfortable with interracial dating. its just i - and i suspect most other black women do not have this concern - have very strict rules about it because i absolutely will not date, or give the cookie to, a racist. so i am very militant when it comes to dating non black men because i have high integrity as far as what i involve myself mentally and physically in.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I always get advance notice. My family never knows what might come out of my mouth so they give me advance warning.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

oh, girl, this relationship has already been 86'd. long story short (i talked about it in the other thread) one night we were getting ready to go out and i got a text from a dude i was thirsting for. UNF. i backed out like um yeah i have other plans now... and he asked if it was to meet another guy, or a girl, and i didnt lie because "allegedly" he was ok with me dating other men. i tend to have a habit of being in nonmongamous relationships with men who dont actually want to be nonmonogamous. so i owned up to the fact that i was going out with a guy, and he gave me an ultimatum (AGAIN... this is what happened with the indian) that we either had to be together or be apart. i kept it coasting for awhile after that but eventually i was over it, so he moved back home and sent me drunk texts about how i "broke" him

ya, he was sprung

OMG girl you've got these men twisted around your little finger lol.

It's funny how when a woman doesn't "work" to keep a man, then the man is chasing after HER!

Maybe you just haven't really been all that into these guys? Or, do you just not really want a non-monogamous relationship in the first place?

i am extremely comfortable with interracial dating. its just i - and i suspect most other black women do not have this concern - have very strict rules about it because i absolutely will not date, or give the cookie to, a racist. so i am very militant when it comes to dating non black men because i have high integrity as far as what i involve myself mentally and physically in.

Right....And that's understandable. I've never been able to understand how a racist could date/sleep with someone he's racist against. If I don't like you, there's no way I'm dating you, let alone SLEEPING with you. But I guess w/men...sex is just sex. They can separate emotion from it.

I wish there were a test (or a way) to see whether or not a guy were racist before getting serious w/him. With that last guy though, I think it sounds like he was really into you. Especially if he was drunk texting you...lol

 

[CaraWalker]

i do want a monogamous relationship. but i dont want to spend these last crucial years ONLY dating someone that's not "the one." so we can date, but if we are not on the marriage track, i will still be looking for hubby.

i knew when i met the guy from the op that he was not endgame, but this has just been a completely awful year for me, and dating him was a nice bright spot in all the dark holes. we hung out for most of the year, but him putting pressure on the situation soured the deal and i needed to be out of it completely.

the indian though, i would have entertained a forever kinda thing with him. we got along in a way that was very important to me, and had serious longevity imo. iwe were non-monogamous for the longest time because he was too wishy washy on me, and i didnt want to put all my eggs in that basket. so when he started pushing for one on one, i decided (against my better judgment, probably, but i figured it was a 50/50 shot) to give it a chance. it turned out that he had too many issues though, and wasnt going to appreciate me the way i wanted, and i got fed up and chunked the dueces.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

i do want a monogamous relationship. but i dont want to spend these last crucial years ONLY dating someone that's not "the one." so we can date, but if we are not on the marriage track, i will still be looking for hubby.

Yeah, I agree..... Life is too short to get involved with/married to the wrong man... erplexed