"Can't give you what you deserve right now"

[godzchildtoo]

So the guy I've been dating for the past 3 months just said this to me. Now I'm not sad, I'm angry! I think this is such a cop-out. I don't see myself as high maintenance, but I do expect respect and courtesy. He has his own business and was working on a million dollar deal and I didn't hear from him for 3 days. So when I called him I gave him hell for not having 60 seconds to pick up the phone or text and say hello. Oh and did I mention he's a self-proclaimed serial monogamist?! All in all, he's been a pleasant experience...I just consider it disrespectful when you say you're going to call and you don't. That's one of my pet peeves. And the more we tried to talk through it, the more we each drew our lines in the sand. And so I guess we just "broke up". As soon as he said that captioned phrase I was done because I figure if you don't think you can give me what I deserve, I'm not going to argue with you. And he said he has enough on his plate without feeling like he's failing me too. He thinks I overreacted, do you? I think HE overreacted, do you?

Oh...a few more relevant facts: we were not in a committed relationship, he's a great cook and cooks for me often (irrelevant, but I thought about missing those meals ), I used to see him about 4-5 days a week, he works a mile from my job and so he invited me to stay at his house Monday through Friday. I refused a permanent arrangement, but slept over often. I've met his son and family. So ..I don't think it was about someone else.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

That sounds like a BS cop out to me but as soon as I got to the million dollar deal hes about to close, my 1st thought was that hes trying to drop you b/c he dont want to share that money.

 

[godzchildtoo]

~Sparklingflame~, girl you made me laugh out loud. I hadn't thought of that. He was saying today that he didn't think he was going to be able to pull this deal off, but he was busting his butt trying to. Good luck with that!

 

[Etherealsmile]

It does sound like a cop out...but I somehow get the feeling he might have gotten what he wanted from you and is ready to move on.

Why did you spend so many nights at his place without a commitment from him? erplexed I know you said your job was just a mile away from his place but couldn't you see his invitation to stay there without an official title would lead to a sticky situation?

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

~Sparklingflame~, girl you made me laugh out loud. I hadn't thought of that. He was saying today that he didn't think he was going to be able to pull this deal off, but he was busting his butt trying to. Good luck with that!

I hated to say that but honestly that was the first thing I thought! He was lying about him thinking he was not going to be able to pull that deal off, especially if he said that today.

 

[bellatiamarie]

So the guy I've been dating for the past 3 months just said this to me. Now I'm not sad, I'm angry! I think this is such a cop-out. I don't see myself as high maintenance, but I do expect respect and courtesy. He has his own business and was working on a million dollar deal and I didn't hear from him for 3 days. So when I called him I gave him hell for not having 60 seconds to pick up the phone or text and say hello. Oh and did I mention he's a self-proclaimed serial monogamist?! All in all, he's been a pleasant experience...I just consider it disrespectful when you say you're going to call and you don't. That's one of my pet peeves. And the more we tried to talk through it, the more we each drew our lines in the sand. And so I guess we just "broke up". As soon as he said that captioned phrase I was done because I figure if you don't think you can give me what I deserve, I'm not going to argue with you. And he said he has enough on his plate without feeling like he's failing me too. He thinks I overreacted, do you? I think HE overreacted, do you?

Oh...a few more relevant facts: we were not in a committed relationship, he's a great cook and cooks for me often (irrelevant, but I thought about missing those meals ), I used to see him about 4-5 days a week, he works a mile from my job and so he invited me to stay at his house Monday through Friday. I refused a permanent arrangement, but slept over often. I've met his son and family. So ..I don't think it was about someone else.

at the bolded... you answered your own question! i definitely don't think you overreacted especially since you've met his family and you've been spending so much time together so for him to say something like that is odd considering the circumstances... it's a cop out, and i'm sure there's an underlying reason why he said that to you.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Actually, I think he's telling you the truth. He honestly can't focus on you and business at the same time. And because you two aren't in a committed relationship, he feels no obligation to contact you.

Men are just wired that way when they are grinding. I don't think you overreacted but I do think if you want to keep him around, 'going off' is not the approach you would have wanted to take. I think once he reaches where he needs to be, you'll likely hear from him or when he begins to miss you.

But you have to make a decision, whether you are ok with being on the back burner here and there while he grinds. Being with a successful, ambitious man is no easy task.

 

[godzchildtoo]

It does sound like a cop out...but I somehow get the feeling he might have gotten what he wanted from you and is ready to move on.

Why did you spend so many nights at his place without a commitment from him? erplexed I know you said your job was just a mile away from his place but couldn't you see his invitation to stay there without an official title would lead to a sticky situation?

Yes ma'am! No argument from me. We live an hour away from each other and his place was usually more convenient and I enjoyed his company. But yes, I see your point.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Although you two have been dating for 3 mos., that's not really a long time. And I'm guessing that if you were spending the night with him 5 days out of the week, then you guys were also intimate within those 3 months.

I think you're upset because you gave a lot too soon--it's natural to feel that way.

If he's telling you he can't give you want you want/need, believe that.

I think he's trying to let you down easy.

 

[Hairsnob]

I don't think you overreacted but of course a man is going to think you did. Some men just don't want any drama. When you mentioned he's a self-proclaimed serial monogamist I said uh oh. Been there, done that, started a thread about it LOL. Seriously though, those types of men are selfish and feel like they are a gift to women so they don't have to put up with any kind of drama if things don't go their way.

If he really was busy with the business deal then maybe you should give him some slack. He really could be stressed out. But like you said, it takes a minute to pick up the phone. Of course that's how WE WOMEN think but they don't. He sees it as you being a nag. Hopefully you two will be able to talk things over after you calm down a bit. But I'd be a little leery of him being able to just give up on the relationship so quickly. But that's common with his type.

It's a tough situation to be in and I wish you well.

Good luck!

 

[princessnad]

I think he's telling the truth. Based on your reaction he saw that you expected more commitment than he was willing to give. There is nothing wrong with your expectations. He just knew that he couldn't handle it at the moment.

 

[Amazhaan]

I'm talking to you like you are one of my girls, so don't take this the wrong way.

You need to calm your as.s down! He didn't call in 3 days and then you chew him out?!? Girl wtf... it was only 3 days... that ish would have turned me off too.... there are sometimes when folks just don't want to be bothered... and yes it can appear to be rude... but he had a good reason.

You have to choose your battles... I'm sure you could have found other things to do in those 3 days then bug him.... so you chewed him out and he don't want to phuc.k with you anymore?

You phu.cked him too soon... while ya'll weren't even committed... then you get pissed over some BS... and now the non-committed relationship is over.

Lick your wounds, learn from it and move on. He has. In the meantime, get a da.mn hobby....

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[Angelicus]

He has what he needed from you and now he must move on to the next victim, love. You can too.

 

[aribell]

Given that you all weren't in a committed relationship, I think going off on him because he didn't call was too much. Even if you were in a committed relationship, calling to ask if there's an issue would have been better.

I don't see that he disrespected you or was particularly discourteous. I can see how you might feel like he didn't give you a real reason, but he said that he can't give you what you want him to, and that seems to be the truth. I suppose he *could*, but he's saying that his priorities are elsewhere. Sorry.

 

[Kneechay]

Perhaps this deal was important to him and his career and it may have fallen through. Your anger with him probably upset him and caused him to just bounce. He may not really want to, he's probably just feeling inadequate at the moment and you weren't helping him. His ego probably took a blow, and he may be questioning his ability to financially be there for you.

Give it some time, he may call back and y'all may work through it. 3 months, although not too long of a time period, is enough for you both to have develop feelings. I don't think you overreacted, but when you spoke to him today, did you ask him how his day went? How the deal went?

I totally understand where you're coming from, and I too would be a little peeved about not hearing from him, but handle this with a calm demeanor. Just do you and if it's really over, deal with it and learn from it. There are other men out there.

 

[MissMasala5]

Non-committed, dated for three months, but yet you already met his kid? That right there speaks volumes about him, IMO. You are better off, OP.

 

[MsWowFactor]

I feel like your feelings were natural but I do feel you over reacted. I think you could have brought it up and discussed it with him but to give him hell was not necessary. He is not worth that much of your energy.
This is why it is so important for us to have other things going on in our life so that we are not worried about a man calling us or not. He very well may or may not be up to no good however you agreed to be in a non committed relationship with him soooo you can not expect him to treat you like he is your boyfriend.

At this point you can wish him the best and stay his good friend but do not expect anything from him. It is what it is. Have fun and do you.

 

[godzchildtoo]

I appreciate the comments and think there's some truth in all of them. I've already journaled my lessons learned from this one and will take my lashing with the best of them. In retrospect, I could have done quite a few things differently...including my call today. But I'm taking him at his word and leaving him working on his deal...permanently. I'll let you know if he ever makes me eat those words. I doubt it, but stranger things have happened...

 

[sylver2]

i think that was overload waay to soon. staying with him all that time....and no real commitment. chalk this one up to lesson learned.

 

[Britt]

OP I wish you the best...
Some good advice and opinions have been given in this thread. Having read this further enforces why it's sometimes better to not sleep with someone until you get a committment and title from a man. Cause honestly, if I were in your shoes and was seeing him for 3 months, sleeping at his house, met his kid.. if he didn't call me for 3 days... I'd be pissed! I'm gonna be honest here. I'd be annoyed and wonder wtf is going on. But what I learned from your situation is def to not give so much of yourself so soon bc it kinda buffers your heart some. We as women are emotionally invested, moreso than men. I can imagine that you sleeping by his house, and by your reaction you were very into him.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

I'm talking to you like you are one of my girls, so don't take this the wrong way.

You need to calm your as.s down! He didn't call in 3 days and then you chew him out?!? Girl wtf... it was only 3 days... that ish would have turned me off too.... there are sometimes when folks just don't want to be bothered... and yes it can appear to be rude... but he had a good reason.

You have to choose your battles... I'm sure you could have found other things to do in those 3 days then bug him.... so you chewed him out and he don't want to phuc.k with you anymore?

You phu.cked him too soon... while ya'll weren't even committed... then you get pissed over some BS... and now the non-committed relationship is over.

Lick your wounds, learn from it and move on. He has. In the meantime, get a da.mn hobby....

Sent from my DROIDX using Long Hair Care Forum App

Wow, this was some of the most brutal advice i've ever heard. I know your associates/friends are scared to get advice from you! Just joking.

 

[Mai Tai]

I actually don't feel that he did anything wrong. When a person, man or woman, tells you exactly what they can and cannot handle...listen to them, believe them, respect their boundaries and keep it moving...

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I actually don't feel that he did anything wrong. When a person, man or woman, tells you exactly what they can and cannot handle...listen to them, believe them, respect their boundaries and keep it moving...

Yes. He told you what type of man he was earlier(serial monogamist) but you didnt listen.

 

[ambergirl]

I can understand feeling neglected because he didn't call for 3 days but don't understand going off on him. Bad look. If your purpose was to get him to be more responsive and attentative how is yelling at him 3 months into the relationship going to achieve that? I don't know many men who would stick around after that.

He already told you what he was about in words and now he's showing you. Just chock it up to experience and move on.

 

[lesedi]

I got told that just after xmas. It's some BS! But at the end of the day, I'm not trying to be with someone who is not that into me. I was hurt but at least i got a steamer out of the relationship!
OP, you'll be fine, one frog down!

 

[MzLady78]

I actually don't feel that he did anything wrong. When a person, man or woman, tells you exactly what they can and cannot handle...listen to them, believe them, respect their boundaries and keep it moving...

At the end of the day his reason, whether it was work or something else, doesn't really matter, that one sentence is telling you everything you need to know. Don't even bother trying to analyze the situation, you'll just frustrate yourself. Like others have said, charge it to the game and learn from it.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Awww...sorry about this OP

Honestly, his reasons don't even matter. Don't waste too much more time on it. In fact, if he calls back and wants to try to "make up", I'd just tell him calmly and level-headedly that you have thought about what he said, and that you agree that perhaps he can't give you want you're looking for right now, and that you think it's best that you two just remain friends because you're looking for a man who CAN be there for you and won't allow work to get in between of one lousy phone call or text message.

Then, wish him well and happily tell him that you have to get off the phone because you have plans to go out that night. "Bye, and take care!"

I know it may sound like game-playing, but honestly that's what men respond to sad to say lol.

I think when we as women show a man that we're not willing to "wait" around for him OR accept crumbs and the bare minimum from him, the man then starts to WAKE UP and realize that we are actually WORTH something, and that we value ourselves. We're not going to accept crumbs.

So, girl just dust yourself off and start looking in other waters for some better fish, because honestly...the man who is TRULY into you won't give you such a cop-out excuse like this one. He'll be feeling so sorry that he wasn't able to reach you while he was busy, and he'll want to make it up to you.

These days I refuse to waste my time with guys who are wishy-washy, dissappear, or who are just not that into me.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I think this is a major area that women need to work on in relationships. If he was really working on a huge deal like that, your response was over the top. Like someone else said, men are wired differently. And unless you are married to him, don't expect that you won't be put on the back burner when he has to handle business. That's one of the pitfalls of dating alpha male types.

 

[WhoIAm]

OP, sometimes men are very one track minded. Depending on his age, he is still in grind mode. It sounds like his focus is on building his business right now and so timing is bad for you.

If ya'll hadn't been specific that you were an exclusive couple in three months (even if you slept together) then you were just dating. Dating is just that.

On the other hand you have every right to demand common courtesy from him. No call in 3 days after talking everday for 3 months? No bueno.

The question is what are you going to do if he comes running back to you?

 

[Makenzie]

OP, I think you moved to fast - no matter what he was doing. 3 months is a short time, yet you're spending quite a bit of nights over at his house and meeting his family early. You were the one acting like you were in a committed relationship, so when he didn't call you were pissed. He was focused on his work. I think you overreacted. But I do commend you for realizing this is not what you want and moving on. A lot of women would still stick around trying to change him.