racheljay1985
New Member
DH is in the military and we have been separated since January 2011 due to his training. He has about 2 months more and we will be reunited and moving to our first base together.
Background: I haven't been the most responsible person with money, mine or anyone elses for that matter. I don't have extreme amounts of credit debt, but in my past money has burned holes in my pocket. To me, money is a tool. There were times when money was scarce in my family, but I was also spoiled as a child too not to mention I have a talent for extracting money from men (ex sugar baby
) DH's background was very poor so I can see why he would want to hang on to everything, but he likes to splurge too from time to time. Now, I will say that over the past year I have focused on using my money the right way and would consider myself more responsible with it. DH and I went through a few rough patches when we first dated. I at 24 ended up finding myself in a new city, living in homeless shelters, and waiting for school money to bail me out. With dedication I was able to save up enough money to remove myself, get a place, and find a job.
During this time DH (then DB) would come over from his parents place and give me groceries, and occasional money without me asking for it. Anniversaries, holidays we both spend lavishly on one another. DH actually went from depending on mommy and daddy, to depending on Uncle Sam. In a way I looked at him as a provider, and I possibly created a monster within that. The apartment I stayed at was nice in its exterior but the interior became infested with mice/ants. I had to move. I chose to move to another state with a friend for the summer to save and I would from there unite up with hubby. Eventually that took a turn for the worst because she was stealing from me so I booked a hotel, and continued to work online. I only get paid once a month at one company and they have been coming consecutively for the past 8 months. However, this last big check never showed up. My next plan of action was to tell my husband. DH wasn't too happy about me needing money to pay for a week of hotels but he didn't complain. That is up until last week.
Problem: DH believes that since we are "separated" that we should financially take care of our own responsibilities. As someone who considers herself independent I wouldn't have a problem with that except as of lately, my check hasn't showed up. In a text message DH wrote this and it nearly broke my heart. In fact, we are not even speaking as of right now and we've talked daily ever since we've been together.
Out of nowhere he claims that he should've not paid for my hotel as he was the one who told me not to move in the first place. He said that he should've "taught me a lesson" this is what he wrote via text after I told him I felt he didn't support me (not financially):
"I do support you but I get tired of having to put a couple of hundred dollars on you every couple of weeks. It's BS. Stop depending on me more than you should, you're a grown up now act like one. Carry your own weight. I'm tired of paying for stuff when we aren't even together, you need food, and phone bills, a place to stay. Ok. Damn, money doesn't grow on trees." Are you f****** KIDDING ME??!!
Ladies, you know I went off on that ***. I told him that he needs to seriously be taught on what it means to be a true husband. If the tables were turned and he needed to depend on me, I wouldn't think twice about taking care of my boo. His contract ends in a few years and if he can't find work or reenlist guess who will have to support him? MOI. Funny thing is, he hasn't given me jack **** all except for one phone bill he volunteered to pay for, the hotel, and one other time in which I paid him back. He's even wanted to join cell accounts and have his mom pay for it since his whole family is on the plan. IMHO, eventually he's going to learn real quick what it means to depend on me.
Because we've only just been married (a few months) an annulment can be attained and both of us could walk away as it it never happened.
erplexedThis scares me but might be the best way to go. The thing that I'm most upset about is how someone who claims they love you so much, would die for you doesn't feel the need to help support you while he's gone. I'm torn because I certainly should've handled by finances better, made better "grown up" choices but this is a matter of food and shelter, not wants. I love this man with all my heart. I believe that we can make it work with counseling, I can take classes on life skills/choices, we both take classes on family readiness and finances. It just hurts to know that he appears so selfish in this situation. In court finances are 50/50, military 1/3 about. But I can also see in myself that I brought on a lot of this mess. I think we both need to be shown how to love one another unconditionally, what it means to be a wife/husband. I'm willing to fight for "us" but only if some changes can be made. A loose monied wife and a financially selfish husband sounds like a recipe for disaster. What would you do in this situation?
Background: I haven't been the most responsible person with money, mine or anyone elses for that matter. I don't have extreme amounts of credit debt, but in my past money has burned holes in my pocket. To me, money is a tool. There were times when money was scarce in my family, but I was also spoiled as a child too not to mention I have a talent for extracting money from men (ex sugar baby
) DH's background was very poor so I can see why he would want to hang on to everything, but he likes to splurge too from time to time. Now, I will say that over the past year I have focused on using my money the right way and would consider myself more responsible with it. DH and I went through a few rough patches when we first dated. I at 24 ended up finding myself in a new city, living in homeless shelters, and waiting for school money to bail me out. With dedication I was able to save up enough money to remove myself, get a place, and find a job.During this time DH (then DB) would come over from his parents place and give me groceries, and occasional money without me asking for it. Anniversaries, holidays we both spend lavishly on one another. DH actually went from depending on mommy and daddy, to depending on Uncle Sam. In a way I looked at him as a provider, and I possibly created a monster within that. The apartment I stayed at was nice in its exterior but the interior became infested with mice/ants. I had to move. I chose to move to another state with a friend for the summer to save and I would from there unite up with hubby. Eventually that took a turn for the worst because she was stealing from me so I booked a hotel, and continued to work online. I only get paid once a month at one company and they have been coming consecutively for the past 8 months. However, this last big check never showed up. My next plan of action was to tell my husband. DH wasn't too happy about me needing money to pay for a week of hotels but he didn't complain. That is up until last week.
Problem: DH believes that since we are "separated" that we should financially take care of our own responsibilities. As someone who considers herself independent I wouldn't have a problem with that except as of lately, my check hasn't showed up. In a text message DH wrote this and it nearly broke my heart. In fact, we are not even speaking as of right now and we've talked daily ever since we've been together.
Out of nowhere he claims that he should've not paid for my hotel as he was the one who told me not to move in the first place. He said that he should've "taught me a lesson" this is what he wrote via text after I told him I felt he didn't support me (not financially): "I do support you but I get tired of having to put a couple of hundred dollars on you every couple of weeks. It's BS. Stop depending on me more than you should, you're a grown up now act like one. Carry your own weight. I'm tired of paying for stuff when we aren't even together, you need food, and phone bills, a place to stay. Ok. Damn, money doesn't grow on trees." Are you f****** KIDDING ME??!!
Ladies, you know I went off on that ***. I told him that he needs to seriously be taught on what it means to be a true husband. If the tables were turned and he needed to depend on me, I wouldn't think twice about taking care of my boo. His contract ends in a few years and if he can't find work or reenlist guess who will have to support him? MOI. Funny thing is, he hasn't given me jack **** all except for one phone bill he volunteered to pay for, the hotel, and one other time in which I paid him back. He's even wanted to join cell accounts and have his mom pay for it since his whole family is on the plan. IMHO, eventually he's going to learn real quick what it means to depend on me.
Because we've only just been married (a few months) an annulment can be attained and both of us could walk away as it it never happened.
erplexedThis scares me but might be the best way to go. The thing that I'm most upset about is how someone who claims they love you so much, would die for you doesn't feel the need to help support you while he's gone. I'm torn because I certainly should've handled by finances better, made better "grown up" choices but this is a matter of food and shelter, not wants. I love this man with all my heart. I believe that we can make it work with counseling, I can take classes on life skills/choices, we both take classes on family readiness and finances. It just hurts to know that he appears so selfish in this situation. In court finances are 50/50, military 1/3 about. But I can also see in myself that I brought on a lot of this mess. I think we both need to be shown how to love one another unconditionally, what it means to be a wife/husband. I'm willing to fight for "us" but only if some changes can be made. A loose monied wife and a financially selfish husband sounds like a recipe for disaster. What would you do in this situation?
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However, I did bring it up and he said he would be willing to go to counseling, etc in the future if it would help our marriage. No, you're not reading it wrong, I believe he feels that since we are not in each others faces, and we both work, then we are financially responsible for ourselves. He claims he doesn't make that much and works hard for it so he tries to hang onto it. I'm like babe, ummm you don't have bills to pay, you're good lol. He has mentioned getting a savings account together, and saving up for a car together now. However, when we are together then that's when we would "share". Basically the military would be paying for housing, food, etc.
I'm sorry you had to hear such harsh words from DH that can be tough especially since you have been apart. 
