The essence qualities are a little difficult for me. I'm not sure I understand how we're supposed to use them or apply them to daily life. I chose Openness as one and then when I saw the example of something to do using this quality I was confused all over again. I don't want to skip it because I know the whole point is to use an essence quality instead of focusing on fear. Might read that little piece again to see if I get a different interpretation this time around.
Calling In The One: 2017
- Thread starter Belle Du Jour
- Start date
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
What do you think your biggest barriers are to being in a successful relationship? That's what you would anchor yourself in. For example, if you felt you had to deal with whatever or accept scraps, you would anchor yours in abundance and possibly optimism.
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
Lesson 15 helped me to realize that I wasn't ready for adulthood. I subconsciously married a man like my mother, because she and I had the most incomplete relationship. I then was in a serious relationship with a man like my dad.
I've done a lot of work spiritually and professionally to better develop myself. It wasn't easy or cheap, but it was definitely worth it. I now realize that my future partner will have qualities of my parents but I will not be marrying their clones. (I'm speaking marriage and relationships into existence.)
I've done a lot of work spiritually and professionally to better develop myself. It wasn't easy or cheap, but it was definitely worth it. I now realize that my future partner will have qualities of my parents but I will not be marrying their clones. (I'm speaking marriage and relationships into existence.)
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I thought about it and my biggest problems seem to be I lose myself in the other person without thinking of myself and just making sure that they are ok. Because of this I get resentful and any perceived slight to me I tend to hold onto. Can't let go. Can't accept the apology and move on even if I say I forgive. My actions after shows that I'm not past it. I also have a hard time articulating what I want and need. By the time I'm able to do that I want to get rid of the person. Because of all this I chose Forgiveness, Self Love and Openness. But I still can't figure out how to anchor myself to these. Just looking at the examples of how to use them confuses me. Maybe I need to clear my head, stop thinking about it so hard and then come back to it.
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
I think the bigger question might be to figure out why you lose yourself in relationships and worry about others to your detriment.
Later in the book, they talk about having a healthy sense of entitlement. For most of my life, i didn't have it. Didn't want to make waves, etc. I'm not like that anymore. You will treat me like a queen or you won't be a part of my life. My needs are just as important, if not more than theirs. I'm the ish but no one is going to treat me like ish.
CityGirlLuv
Well-Known Member
I'm starting this book tonight. Wasn't ready for it in March like I thought I was. Im definitely ready for self-improvement now.
Oh snap! So I haven't been doing the exercises consistently. I'm really into this book because it's making me think and sometimes I don't want to stop for the exercises but will continue reading. But I have realized a few things about myself. Things that have I probably never would have admitted to before reading this. One main thing is I definitely have a case of martyr syndrome. I have always sacrificed myself in relationships so the other person can be happy. Expecting gratitude for things no one asked me to do and then becoming resentful when I don't get it. A lot of this is baggage that I've carried around with me since my first serious relationship.
Also, the idea I have of myself is not a good one. I always thought it was. I think I'm smart, pretty, funny, blah blah blah. I mean, I say these things out loud and I thought I believed them. But I've discovered while I may believe these things I still don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone that the next woman can't offer. That is where the fear comes from and why I end up so anxious in my relationships. (This may stem from my cheating fiance) It's kinda hurtful knowing this is what I think of myself. This book asks the right questions to make you really dig deep.
Glad I bought this. Let's see what kind of shape I'm in after.
Also, the idea I have of myself is not a good one. I always thought it was. I think I'm smart, pretty, funny, blah blah blah. I mean, I say these things out loud and I thought I believed them. But I've discovered while I may believe these things I still don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone that the next woman can't offer. That is where the fear comes from and why I end up so anxious in my relationships. (This may stem from my cheating fiance) It's kinda hurtful knowing this is what I think of myself. This book asks the right questions to make you really dig deep.
Glad I bought this. Let's see what kind of shape I'm in after.
luthiengirlie
Well-Known Member
I am going through this book and I am frozen in this chapter about needs. Growing up with abuse and molestation and rape.. ( I am seeking therapy about this BTW). My needs never matter or other people blew it off.. this is new to me and frankly it scares me.. but I think I'm gonna push forward.
That's where I am too. Nothing as traumatic has happened to me ((((BIG HUGS)))) but the intro to the chapter does say it'll be a tough one. I started it this morning while I was on the subway and decided I should put it away until I get home.
cinnespice
Hello is me your looking for?
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
Therapy won't be easy and things may get worse before they get better. You will want to stop going but don't. Take a break if you need to but keep doing the work. It is your right to reclaim what was stolen from you.
Ladies, we must do the work to heal our past hurts and rid ourselves of the baggage.
Remember that water seeks its own level and we will end up with someone as healthy or unhealthy as we are.
caribeandiva
Human being
This book is the truth!! I've done it twice now. It really works. I didn't get stuck for long during the book because I've done a lot of internal and therapy work before I started it. Otherwise I can clearly see where I'd lose interest very quickly. After all I started it during the holiday season when I had every excuse to distract me. I didn't do this book so I could meet the love of my life. In fact I was VERY skeptical about that part. Sure enough before I even finished the book I did meet someone special! Even though it didn't work out with him that was still progress. We were together on and off for 2 years and before him my longest relationship ever was 3 months (i was a serial dater). This book forced me to examine my unconscious beliefs around love and relationships. I had to forgive my parents for letting me down. I had to let go of unconscious promises I made to people that were no longer serving me or them. Etc... I'm so glad I stumbled on the original thread back when I did. Thank you to whoever started it. The key is you must be serious about doing the work. No excuses. Your destiny lies on the other side of it. 
@caribeandiva I didn't read this to find the love of my either really. I kinda just wanted to know where I was going wrong in relationships and honestly the picture is coming together. For some reason so far this book has made me overall nicer and even tempered. That is a very big plus. It sucks to know that I've been so angry at lots of people and carrying that around with me everywhere in every relationship. I used to be worse. Therapy helped but with this book I find we're touching on things in therapy that we only barely touched on years ago. It's great.
caribeandiva
Human being
That's interesting it's making you more even tempered. Why do you think that is? What or who did you have so much anger towards? I'm glad you're letting go of it. Yeah this book went deeper than therapy for me too.
I think letting go of a lot of stuff that I've been carrying around has helped with my mood overall. Carrying that stuff around really does influence every other area of your life.
I've been angry with my first boyfriend and also my exfiance (first 'real' adult relationship to me. We moved in together.) I felt like I was past all the things that transpired between us. When people mention them I've never felt anything remotely considered anger to me. But I've realized I've been taking my feelings about them out on other people. Men specifically.
Then of course there's the anger toward my parents. But again, anger I didn't realize I was internalizing. I've never let that stuff go even though I thought I had.
My parents were definitely neglectful. Not on purpose though. My sister was a handful and she got most of the attention because of it. She thrived while I was the wilted flower and I'm still sorting through that. As an adult, these same people who ignored me during childhood crave my attention, time and energy. It's exhausting since I've grown accustomed to being ignored. This was one of the reasons I started going to therapy in the first place. Now he and I are diving into how this has had an impact on my romantic relationships. For so long I wouldn't even go near that in therapy. And this all somewhat explains my anxious attachment.
But yeah, this book is something else.
luthiengirlie
Well-Known Member
i finally got brave and did my needs. i didnt realize being safe was so important to me.. this book is SOUL WORK. i wrote the letter to myaelf and its wow just wow
So I've been seeing a guy. Very new. We've only been out a handful of times. But things are happening with this new guy that I don't think have ever happened in a relationship since my ex-fiance. He actually asked me what my needs are? I think that's strange. So I just gave him a weird look and he said he knows it seems like a weird question but he'd like to know that he can meet them so we can continue to move forward. I feel like this is kind of intense. Do people do this? Is he reading this book too? 
luthiengirlie
Well-Known Member
So I've been seeing a guy. Very new. We've only been out a handful of times. But things are happening with this new guy that I don't think have ever happened in a relationship since my ex-fiance. He actually asked me what my needs are? I think that's strange. So I just gave him a weird look and he said he knows it seems like a weird question but he'd like to know that he can meet them so we can continue to move forward. I feel like this is kind of intense. Do people do this? Is he reading this book too?
HE MIGHT BE...
Computers at work have been down for over 2 hours so I'm getting some reading in. This book is honestly changing my life. Is it weird that I feel a pressure being lifted. But now feeling a little afraid of all the good things that are about to come my way that I can almost taste. Between this and LOA (which I've only now begun to really practice) I feel like my life is about to change.
LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
I completed the book and I highly recommend it. I did get into a relationship while going through the process (it's definitely a process); however, it did not work out. Regardless of that, the growth that I experienced from the book was still worth it. The author basically says that to love is to risk and sometimes it doesn't turn out the way that you desire. I'm revisiting certain chapters now.
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
Thx for responding! I've started it s few times but never make it to the end smh. I'm reading it now with a friend so the accountability should help lol.
caribeandiva
Human being
Same here.
Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
I did not pick this back up but thanks to this amazing board, I discovered the works of Rori Raye, Katarina Phang, Sami Wunder, Brene Brown, Allison Armstrong who have totally changed my perspective and how I relate to men. I'm definitely more of an audio and visual learner so the recordings and videos from these experts work better for my style of learning.
@Belle Du Jour Are videos free or do you have to pay. If the are free can you post some links please
Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
Their material isn't free, but to ME it was worth the investment. You can check Youtube to see their free content and see if you enjoy a particular coach's vibe.
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