Broken-Hearted Girl

[NaturalBlackGurl]

I've been a lurker on LHCF for 2 years. I found this site when I was 15, I'm 17 now and I just signed up today. I'm pretty nervous, since this is my first time posting. But from my lurking I found out that many of the women on here are very nice, helpful, beautiful, and educated. I was hoping ya'll could help and give me some advice because right now I'm crying my eyes out and I'm too my breaking point.

Well here's my story...

In the past I've been hurt by a lot of guys, more specifically black guys my age. I've been talking to this one guy for 9 months he's 17 and I fell hard and I mean hard to the point where all I thought about was making him happy and doing anything to make him feel loved, wanted, and special like I thought he was. I started to neglect my own happiness and needs in the process. When I first met him, he had a girl so I settled for talking to him as friends. But over the months we got closer to the point where we told eachother our deepest secrets and things from our past that we never shared with anyone. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me, he told me everything I wanted to hear and he told me to trust him and I did just that. Then, when him and his girl broke up I was always there comforting him and helping him get threw that because they had been together for a year and some months. He told me that he wasn't ready for another relationship but when he was, that he was sure we was going to be together because he "couldn't let something so perfect go".

So then in November we got in an arguement and he tells me that me and him should just be friends. I was so devastated because I thought he loved me and wanted to be with me and I felt like he was just going to throw away all these months we shared like it didn't mean anything so then in December one of my guy friends calls me and tells me that the guy I've been talking to is going with some girl in college and I didn't believe him at first because he told me that after him and his gf broke up that he wasn't ready for another relationship and he still promised me that when he was ready it was going to be me and him. So two weeks ago I found out that he was staying in a dorm with one of his friends thats in college so I asked him if it was true about what my friend had told me and he admitted that he was going out with someone and he just didn't know how to tell me and that the "friend" in college that he's staying with is actually the girl that he's going out with now he's leaving to go back home tomorrow but for two weeks I had to think about him and her being together and doing God knows what I feel so betrayed and lied to. I feel like I can't trust anyone now. He's like he's sorry and he still loves me and cares about me and he never meant to hurt me. But then he's like this girl means a lot to him and just saying everything I really didn't want to hear and today I got on myspace and he put her second on his top friends and put me like 8th or something and he put her picture in his photo album . Then he IM'd me and was like he's going to the movies with her tomorrow before he leaves and I'm just like "awh thats nice" when really i'm thinking about how much im hurting and how much I want to cry, which I'm doing right now..I've been crying for two weeks now. At times I will make it seem like I'm happy and cheery and over him but I'm really not and I'm hurting so bad and all he can say is that he's sorry and he never meant to hurt me but yet he loves me I just don't know what to do. I sacrificed a lot and I wasted 9 months of my life, I had high hopes that we would wind up together but I guess not I feel so stupid right now..I think I'm going to delete my myspace so I can avoid talking to him and if he text me, I just wont answer..but I have a habit or trying not to talk to him for a few days and as soon as he hits me up I give in and start talking to him and the more I do, the more it hurts, sometimes it hurts so bad I can feel it in my chest. All I can do is cry, I'm trying so hard to get over him, but I just can't and I'm tired of getting hurt, I know I'm still young and have plenty of time to find love, but I feel like he's the one, but he's hurt me so much and i'm too my breaking point he also told my friend today that he really loves and cares about me..he keeps telling me that he still wants me in his life as a friend but its so hard trying to act like he's some regular friend to me when its never been like that and when I know I got deep feelings for him. He seems happy with her and I rather see him happy I'm not the type to ruin anyone's relationship so I told him I wish the best for him..please help me ladies

 

[10WordzOrLess]

Focus on you.

Think about YOU.

Find out what makes YOU happy, ( NOT this guy obviously. He makes you sad.)

Leave him be, he does not love you, and he'll continue to tell you that if he thinks that it works. Let him know that it doesn't.

Your feelings won't go away overnight, but they will eventually go away; So don't make a fool of yourself, don't stress yourself out, and don't waste your time on something painful, but VERY TEMPORARY.

When you think your heart will physically break, IT WON'T...It's healing a little bit, day by day.


KNOW in your heart of hearts that YOU DESERVE BETTER than what little he is offering you.

BELIEVE in your soul that you DO NOT NEED A RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

If you are strong enough to ask for help, you are strong enough to walk away from him.

I hope this helps.

 

[JustKiya]

Wooooooooooooooooosah.

Baby girl.

Okay. First thing, &

Second thing - drop him. Drop him like a hot tamale. He's hurting you, and that - esp. at your age - makes him unworthy of you. Period. You should be having fun with dating, not crying, not falling in love, not getting torn up because some boy knows how to lie far too well, and has toyed with your emotions.

It'll be hard. It'll hurt like hell. But trust me - learning to not give your all (heart, mind, or body) to a man who isn't fully committed to you is a wonderful lesson to learn while you are young. And personally, the only thing that equals full commitment is marriage.

 

[Bunny77]

Hi!

I won't say anything about you being young or anything like that. I know you're hurting and I'm sorry that you feel bad.

There are two things that you said that I want to respond to. I hope this will help in the future when you meet a different boy/man that you like.

1. You said: I fell hard and I mean hard to the point where all I thought about was making him happy and doing anything to make him feel loved, wanted, and special like I thought he was.

This is a problem a lot of girls and women have, regardless of their age. See, the man is supposed to be doing all of this for YOU. He should be making YOU happy, making YOU feel loved, wanted and special. Nowhere did I read about anything that he did to make YOU feel good. Please don't get caught up in a cycle where you are always sacrificing yourself for a man. A good man will do all of these things to win your heart and you should not be the one who has to initiate all of this. Learn this lesson now, or you will be telling the same story when you're 20, 30 and beyond and wondering why you always get hurt. I don't want that for you.

2. I feel like he's the one

Why? What does he do to show you that he is worthy of being "the one" to you? The truth is, you have a big crush -- which is normal. We've all had those and continue to have those. But really, underneath it all, he never committed to you, never made you his girlfriend and never really did anything for you. So what makes him "the one?" As far as I can tell, he's done nothing to earn that honor.


Anyway, I think it's best to start moving on in your heart and mind. Go ahead and cry and be sad... it's okay to feel like this. But let it go. Again, you never had him to begin with, so the sooner you can accept that and move on, the better off you'll be.

I hope that helps a little.

 

[longhairlover]

as others said drop him. at your age please try your best to focus on good grades in school and college plans, don't waste your time with these guys. I was hurt alot when I was in my late teens and 20's and when I look back it was time wasted on people. love wasted on guys as well, keep all that love you have in you to you until the right man comes along later on in life, please please please don't focus too much on relationships at your age. Had I done that I would've been so much further in life.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Leave him alone. Block him if need be. He's a liar, he played with your emotions and feels a "sorry" will justify it...and you allowing him to remain in your life like nothing, all the while to drop "I love you" and still im you to let you know him and the girl are going to the movies (how heartless is that?)...this just won't do you any good.

Cold turkey. Even if you have to replay all he did to hurt you to make you stick it out. Time...give yourself time. Him being in your life and throwing you bones to keep you from letting the "relationship" starve to death isn't cool. Basically, he's keeping you on standby...and as enticing as him coming around and "choosing you" over her may seem now, please, don't. You deserve better! *HUGS!*

Welcome officially to the board!

 

[runwaydream]

your first mistake was making this boy more important than he should've been.

forgive me but, it kinda sounded like he was cheating on his girl with you, if not physically than emotionally. you guys sound like you were just too close. you keep saying you guys were more than friends, you shouldn't be more than friends w. a guy that has a gf.

as for the myspace thing. just delete him off your myspace and facebook. problem solved.

also you need to have a talk w. him. tell him if he cares about you he'd give you your space. and honestly, if he does, he would. he has to know how much he's hurt you and if he really loves you he needs to give you space and time to move on.

anyway, im sorry for the way you are feeling, just take this as a lesson learned. dont get that close to other ppl's boyfriends, don't EVER put a male's happiness before your own b/c he would never do that for you.

 

[Kalani]

So sorry that you are going through this. I know the emotional pain feels like its unbearable. The healing process may take a while but eventually you will get through it. I think its a good idea to delete him from your myspace so you wont have to see or read anything that will add to the hurt. Also distancing yourself from him and limiting communication (which I know will be difficult but worth it in the long run) will help you move on rather than prolonging the healing process.

It sounds like he knowingly led you on and was deceitful. He may say he loves and cares about you but actions speak louder than words. At this point I would really just set my mind on moving on because holding out hope for a relationship with him will just draw out the pain and steal more of your time.

Hang in there, and know that you are not alone. We have all been through it, but we did make it through and are stronger and wiser for it.

 

[song_of_serenity]

^ Very true. You were basically a part of emotional infidelity...think of it as being a side piece who feels the man will leave his wife for her...but eventually, they stay together and you've wasted emotions for nothing...or he moves on to someone else.

Just let your heart heal and stay away from him. I have a feeling he knows he "has you like that" and that you'll be there at his beck and call.

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

Thank you ladies so much, you don't know how much I appreciate your advice. I know I should drop him but its soo hard to, I just find myself going back to him when I know I shouldn't I guess I feel so strongly about him because he was there when no one else was and he listens to me and cared when no one else didn't and I guess he made me feel like I actually had someone who really loved and cared about me..Right now I'm trying to just focus on school, I'm going into my senior year and I don't want to mess that up, its just everyone I go, the heartache follows its so hard to get rid of that feeling..I guess I should start focusing on what makes me happy instead of doing everything to please someone who's never gave me 100% back. I've just always been the type of person who wants to please and make everyone happy, I hate to dissapoint people, I hate to make people mad, I always try to make sure everyone else feels comfortable and boost up their self esteem when at times I barely uplift mine. He also tells me how much he likes light skin girls. and I'm a brown-skinned sista and the girl he's with now is lightskin and mixed and so was his ex. I know I shouldn't feel inferior to anyone because of skin complexion but now a days with the black guys its all about mixed or light skinned girls. I guess I was just an exception because he said he would date a brown-skinned girl but he likes lightskin girls and I think thats also starting to lower my self esteem because whenever I go to his page and see her picture I always question if the reason why he's not with me is because I'm not lightskin..I know its crazy to think like that but sometimes I do when I know I shouldn't

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, any man who is infected with skin-color sickness is REALLY someone you need to get away from NOW.

(Yes, I said sickness because a constant focus on who's light-skinned, dark-skinned, brown-skinned, etc., is ridiculous and shows a very screwed-up and flawed mindset.)

I'm gonna send you a private message, okay?

 

[runwaydream]

STOP GOING ON HIS PAGE!!!!

just stop it! stop torturing yourself! you're beautiful just the way you are, and his preference for lighter girls doesn't lower your value in any way, shape, or form.

but PLEASE sweetie, don't go on his page anymore! delete him off your friend's list right now!!!

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

Okay, any man who is infected with skin-color sickness is REALLY someone you need to get away from NOW.

(Yes, I said sickness because a constant focus on who's light-skinned, dark-skinned, brown-skinned, etc., is ridiculous and shows a very screwed-up and flawed mindset.)

I'm gonna send you a private message, okay?

okay. Yeah I understand what your saying. I try not to let it get to me and just tell myself that I'm beautiful no matter what. At times it brings me down and I start to wish I was lighter and maybe I would have him. But I try not to think about that. I guess when you're hurting so much you just start to think what if, and if i had this..and maybe if i had this he would be with me..I know its bad to have that mentality but sometimes it makes me feel bad about myself

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

STOP GOING ON HIS PAGE!!!!

just stop it! stop torturing yourself! you're beautiful just the way you are, and his preference for lighter girls doesn't lower your value in any way, shape, or form.

but PLEASE sweetie, don't go on his page anymore! delete him off your friend's list right now!!!

I think that's what I'm going to do, I know I have to start somewhere, and going to his page just makes it worse. So I will take your advice, thank you so much ladies, yall are like second moms to me..
I wish their was a way I could make the pain go away..I just can't stop the tears from coming down..

 

[song_of_serenity]

I know when someone you care for chooses someone else, you compare yourself to them and pick yourself apart. "Oh, I see her boobs are small...mine aren't, he said more than a handful is too much, is it because hers are perfect in his eyes...??"

Don't do it!! I admit it, I had to seriously STOP myself from going to my ex fiance's page a month ago because even though it was over, even though we fell out, even though he CAME BACK and tried to win me over again...the hold came back and i found myself wanting to know what was going on! Every day/other day I'd go peek!...just wasn't right.

You're a pretty girl, you seem to have your heart in the right place, but don't let your kindness and eagerness to please be weakness. He already told you what he wants. He SHOWED you what he wants. You don't need any more than that. It SUCKS to have someone you care for betray that trust, but it happens. All you can do is dust yourself off after staying down and bawling your eyes out...and move on, leaving that messy situation right behind you.

 

[10WordzOrLess]

I think thats also starting to lower my self esteem because whenever I go to his page and see her picture I always question if the reason why he's not with me is because I'm not lightskin..I know its crazy to think like that but sometimes I do when I know I shouldn't

Quit...Going...To...His...PAGE.

He is not with you because he doesn't realize how AWESOME you are.

He is not with you because he doesn't know what Great conversations you can hold.

He is not with you because he doesn't like your left ear lobe.

You will never know darling. That is why you can't waste your time agonizing over what his preferences are, and what HE likes in a woman.

What do YOU like about yourself?

Because you are a Beautiful Brown-Skin Young Lady, and YOU have have to appreciate that, and LOVE IT before you can worry about someone doing it for you.

I know it's hard, but it's so worth it. When you love yourself, truly love yourself, no one can touch your self-esteem.

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

I know when someone you care for chooses someone else, you compare yourself to them and pick yourself apart. "Oh, I see her boobs are small...mine aren't, he said more than a handful is too much, is it because hers are perfect in his eyes...??"

Don't do it!! I admit it, I had to seriously STOP myself from going to my ex fiance's page a month ago because even though it was over, even though we fell out, even though he CAME BACK and tried to win me over again...the hold came back and i found myself wanting to know what was going on! Every day/other day I'd go peek!...just wasn't right.

You're a pretty girl, you seem to have your heart in the right place, but don't let your kindness and eagerness to please be weakness. He already told you what he wants. He SHOWED you what he wants. You don't need any more than that. It SUCKS to have someone you care for betray that trust, but it happens. All you can do is dust yourself off after staying down and bawling your eyes out...and move on, leaving that messy situation right behind you.

yeah I understand what you mean because I find myself going to his page everday to read his status or I'll go to her page and read her status and if I see anything that I don't like it..it makes upset and makes me cry even more. I think I'm going to follow a lot of the ladies advice and delete him so I wont be tempted to look at his or her page. Thanks your pretty as well yeah but apart of me wishes I could be what he wants..I thought I was and he was like if he didn't love me or care he wouldn't have kept me around this along and would of been left and he's like atleast he's trying to keep me in his life..idk im jus so hurt and confused

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

Quit...Going...To...His...PAGE.

He is not with you because he doesn't realize how AWESOME you are.

He is not with you because he doesn't know what Great conversations you can hold.

He is not with you because he doesn't like your left ear lobe.

You will never know darling. That is why you can't waste your time agonizing over what his preferences are, and what HE likes in a woman.

What do YOU like about yourself?

Because you are a Beautiful Brown-Skin Young Lady, and YOU have have to appreciate that, and LOVE IT before you can worry about someone doing it for you.

I know it's hard, but it's so worth it. When you love yourself, truly love yourself, no one can touch your self-esteem.

yeah he told me sometimes bad things happen to good people so I must be a great person..I thought what he likes in a women is what i had but I guess not but he sure made it seem that way then my friend asked him what he loved about me and he said my smile, my personality, how im so forgiving, and how pretty and smart i am..but yet if im so great and have all these good qualitys about me, why isn't he with me?

 

[10WordzOrLess]

Because he doesn't want to be darling. You have to accept that.

And you also have to know that there are 100 other young men out there who will Feel the same way You feel about him, ABOUT YOU. And I bet more than have of those guys be mature enough to tell you so.

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

speaking of him, he just IM'd me, on his status he wrote that "ur making up for all the bad things in my life" and i asked him who are you talking about..ur gf? and he was like yeah I kinda..and he was like he wasn't happy but he was trying his best to be..but wow for him to say that she's making up for all the bad things in his life proves he really likes her n ive been their for him for 9 months

 

[song_of_serenity]

speaking of him, he just IM'd me, on his status he wrote that "ur making up for all the bad things in my life" and i asked him who are you talking about..ur gf? and he was like yeah I kinda..and he was like he wasn't happy but he was trying his best to be..but wow for him to say that she's making up for all the bad things in his life proves he really likes her n ive been their for him for 9 months

Hey. Again. You'll either heed this advice...or not.

STOP. ANSWERING. HIS. IMS. What good is it doing but tearing you apart inside?? He's flaunting this relationship and it's probably because he's happy, he doesn't really care how you feel about it...sorry, but he made his choice.

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

yeah he did make his choice..thats why im just crying my eyes out right now..it hurts so bad
I don't want to ever love again..I don't want to ever get hurt again

 

[Bunny77]

Hey. Again. You'll either heed this advice...or not.

STOP. ANSWERING. HIS. IMS. What good is it doing but tearing you apart inside?? He's flaunting this relationship and it's probably because he's happy, he doesn't really care how you feel about it...sorry, but he made his choice.

RIGHT!

Look, at some point, you've gotta put on the big girl panties and woman up here.

CEASE COMMUNICATION.

STOP GOING TO HIS MYSPACE PAGE.

STOP TAKING HIS IMs.

STOP BEING AN EMOTIONAL SIDEPIECE.

JUST... STOP!!!

 

[sexyeyes3616]

Hey. Again. You'll either heed this advice...or not.

STOP. ANSWERING. HIS. IMS. What good is it doing but tearing you apart inside?? He's flaunting this relationship and it's probably because he's happy, he doesn't really care how you feel about it...sorry, but he made his choice.

I agree with song of sereneity. Naturalgurl I think its best to not communicate with him anymore. You will just continue to be hurt. Cut all ties and give yourself time to heal.

 

[song_of_serenity]

yeah he did make his choice..thats why im just crying my eyes out right now..it hurts so bad
I don't want to ever love again..I don't want to ever get hurt again

You will. Trust me. It seems like a bunch of hogwash now, but time really WILL help. TRUST me, I've been there. Sleeping and being haunted by him in my dreams. Waking up and having the harsh reality of "he's gone...with someone else!" stab me in the heart.

Be GLAD, be glad you didn't get with him and he was with the woman the whole time and lied...and then said "Ooops, my bad. Sorry!" and then moved on with her. It's not to minimize your situation, but to show you that it could HAVE been worse. Check the "I found out I'm the other woman" thread! And even HER situation could have been worse, they could have been married!

Let yourself grieve and use this as a lesson of the kind of man NOT to get involved with...sure, they don't show their true colors all the time. However, the fact that he was using you for that emotional uplifting while with someone just shows you that this is NOT the man you wanna be with.

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

yeah you guys are right, even thou it hurts so bad right now, I'm going to start taking step forwards to move on and get threw this. I'm stopping all communication right now. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate all of your advice. I'm glad I decided to share this with all of you. For those who responded, i will take all of your advice, I swear you ladies are AMAZING. I know I can find the strength and the heart to get threw this, and I wouldn't have been able to make the first moves if it wasn't for yall so thank you soooo much!!

 

[Kalani]

RIGHT!

Look, at some point, you've gotta put on the big girl panties and woman up here.

CEASE COMMUNICATION.

STOP GOING TO HIS MYSPACE PAGE.

STOP TAKING HIS IMs.

Just wanted to reiterate this! You will make this process draw out longer and be more painful than it needs to be if you dont heed this advice, ASAP! In the past I have had to do the same, and let me tell you that after taking those steps I immediately felt a little better because it was like I took back control. For me it was empowering and definitely helped me re-focus on more important (and healthier) things.

 

[song_of_serenity]

If you ever get weak, or need support, shoot me an im or one of the kind ladies here. Don't beat yourself up if you slip up and talk but staying occupied really helps heaps.

 

[Almaz]

I co-sign to everyone on here I have nothing to contribute.

Please heed the advice it is substantial and very sound

You are the architect of your own destiny. Make the right decisions now even though it may be hurtful cause it can even cause more damage down the line

 

[NaturalBlackGurl]

If you ever get weak, or need support, shoot me an im or one of the kind ladies here. Don't beat yourself up if you slip up and talk but staying occupied really helps heaps.

your so kind, thank you I will remember that. I'm sure just about all of you are older than me, and I respect your advice more than anything. Even thou you guys barley know me, you still show concern and that means a lot to me, and i'm glad there are people I can talk to who do not judge me and who try there best to help me, thank you ladies soo much and I'm taking all of your advice