Boyfriend issues... I NEED TO VENT

[biancaantoinette]

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. At the beginning of the relationship everything was all gravy....until I got caught up in his family mess. He is the only one in his family that has never done drugs in his life and is one of 2 that doesnt have any criminal record. To me this speaks volumes..he has never given in to any sterotypes and is a AMAZING artist.

So... on to this family of his. They are a very nice bunch but use him like a piece of MEAT. He is soft spoken and persuasive but dont get me wrong is no push over. I really love him and care for him and may want to one day spend the rest of my life with him but his dad has kidney issues and is currently living with him on disability. his mom was living with his sister in an apartment under HIS NAME and wasnt paying any type of rent. no job no nothing. she got evicted so now the mom is living with him and the sister has no where to go unless he opens an apartment in his name for the like 5th time. by the time I want to buy a house he wont have any credit and where will his clingy family go. I really enjoy their company dont get me wrong but the man is 25 and is treated like hes 16. he does everything they tell him to do and call him out of his room like hes 4. he complains about being treated this way but still does nothing.

LHCF how to I get him to cut the cord in just some sort of way. I know the family will never change but its effecting him and our relationship. I cant do this little kid ish anymore. I am tired of seeing him so unhappy at his age. he is very talented and has alot of life ahead of him. and not to mention he more than likely is infected with this deadly disease that runs in his family

This just really saddens me because I love him so much.

 

[TopShelf]

Maybe you're the one who should cut the cord and find someone who doesn't have so many issues

 

[biancaantoinette]

true thats just a huge commitment

 

[Raspberry]

Maybe you're the one who should cut the cord and find someone who doesn't have so many issues

Or at least threatening to do so may give him some perspective.. he can't keep a good woman with all that baggage..

 

[hopeful]

You won't be able to make him cut the cord. And it's sad that he's being treated like a 40 year-old parent and a young child at the same time. Most families have some dysfunction but his family just has way too much going on.

 

[RocStar]

LHCF how to I get him to cut the cord in just some sort of way. I know the family will never change but its effecting him and our relationship. I cant do this little kid ish anymore. I am tired of seeing him so unhappy at his age. he is very talented and has alot of life ahead of him. and not to mention he more than likely is infected with this deadly disease that runs in his family

This just really saddens me because I love him so much.

This sounds like a really tough situation. I just wanted to say I am not sure if there is anything you can do, your boyfriend has to decide what he wants to do. If he is going to cut the cord with his family he really needs to make that decision. If he feels like you made him do it, he could resent you in the end.

I think it speaks to his character that he is trying to take care of his family. I am not saying it is the best thing to do, but I do think it shows he is a "family" man.

 

[biancaantoinette]

yes and although some people are probably think "what the hell are you doing your putting yourself in this situation" they also dont know all that he has done for me since I have been with him.

I feel it would be selfish to leave him for something he cant help REALLY its not like these people are friends.

Im not looking for an overnight change but I just wanted get it off my chest.

 

[mychai]

Okay. I think you may need to put all of this in selfish perspective. I am not sure how old you are, but since your boyfriend is 25, I will assume you are around that age.

This is your prime time to start thinking about marriage, but after two years you can't really see yourself marrying this man (despite all of his wonderful qualities) because of his family situation.

This situation is unlikely to change. The patterns have been set and he may come to resent you if you make him choose. Plus, if you and he were to marry and have children, your children would have to compete with his family for his resources. Not the best situation.

You may be able to reduce some of the influence of his family by moving to another state, if both of you are willing to do that. If I were you, I would move FAR FAR away,and maybe to a state/city like NYC where you can use the cost of living as an excuse to gradually do less and less for his family.

But ultimately you have to decide how much time you want to devote to cultivating a change in your boyfriend. He sounds like a wonderful man, but he may not be the best husband for you and you have to be honest with yourself about that. Personally, I would devote no more than one year to this relationship. If things didn't change within a year, I would move on.

 

[ThickHair]

You have to accept him as he is. He feels reponsible and take responsibility for his family. Sadly I feel if you make a life with him, his family will always come before you and the possible family that you may have. So if that is something that you can deal with then go for it. You can not predict the future, this may be his lifestyle forever, since you can not change him and you can not change his family. If you are going to stay with him, you have to suck it up, there is no way around it.

After all they were all there before you came on to the scene. He needs to man up on his own. Other than his sick father, everyone really needs to step.

 

[kweenameena]

Girl RUN!

You got "in-law issues" and ya'll ain't even married yet.
If they walk over him now, nothing will change when you all are married.
Been there done that and I was more happy to get away from my in-laws than I was to get away from my ex.

It seems that he feels that he owes them or he's obligated to him and that's a hold that's hard to shake.
They will always be a priority to him.

 

[tarheelgurl]

I agree with those that said maybe moving to another state would help. It sounds like your BF is a responsible man wanting to help his family when he can. But it also sounds like he has too much on his plate when it comes to his family. My family had issues a long time ago and I was too involved in everyone's life. One day I packed up and headed 1800 miles west giving them 2 weeks notice. Believe it or not, they learned to fend for themselves.

But I don't think you are going to get him to cut the chord anytime soon while he's in the same town.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I can already see his family turning on you and accusing you of taking him away from them because they are so dependent on him. If you two do marry or stay together I highly suggest you move far away from his family. Otherwise the two of you will never be able to escape his families drama.

 

[ElegantPearl17]

Girl RUN!

You got "in-law issues" and ya'll ain't even married yet.
If they walk over him now, nothing will change when you all are married.
Been there done that and I was more happy to get away from my in-laws than I was to get away from my ex.

It seems that he feels that he owes them or he's obligated to him and that's a hold that's hard to shake.
They will always be a priority to him.

ITA, if a man has loyalty to his family no matter how dysfucntional they may be...he will always have it. It will be durn near impossible for him to cut the cord. It is a harsh reality, but do not wait 6 years in to see the light like I did. I have to admit even now that I still love him alot, but we would never have survived being married. LOVE does not equal compatibility for a life mate.

 

[theLovelyStyle]

Im pretty sure he is not going to abandon his family, so you might want to look into working with him.

Put some folks in rehab, put the mom in a disability house, etc something along those lines.

This is a toughie.

 

[Aveena]

Okay. I think you may need to put all of this in selfish perspective. I am not sure how old you are, but since your boyfriend is 25, I will assume you are around that age.

This is your prime time to start thinking about marriage, but after two years you can't really see yourself marrying this man (despite all of his wonderful qualities) because of his family situation.

This situation is unlikely to change. The patterns have been set and he may come to resent you if you make him choose. Plus, if you and he were to marry and have children, your children would have to compete with his family for his resources. Not the best situation.

You may be able to reduce some of the influence of his family by moving to another state, if both of you are willing to do that. If I were you, I would move FAR FAR away,and maybe to a state/city like NYC where you can use the cost of living as an excuse to gradually do less and less for his family.

But ultimately you have to decide how much time you want to devote to cultivating a change in your boyfriend. He sounds like a wonderful man, but he may not be the best husband for you and you have to be honest with yourself about that. Personally, I would devote no more than one year to this relationship. If things didn't change within a year, I would move on.

Without giving too much personal information TRUST me that this is true and you/nor your future children deserve this. This is the stuff generational issues are made of don't make a mistake that generations will have to pay for.

 

[Windsy]

I'm sorry to say but its either you accept it or move on. You can't make him cut the chord or you'll be the bad guy - his family will think that and he will too.

It has to be his decision. You really need to sit down and express ALL your feelings to him about this. Let him know how much of a strain it is putting on the relationship.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

This post could have been written by me, many years ago. The man was alright, but his family was a problem. Love is not enough. That mess in popular music is just there to throw people off. What really brings happiness is having enough to meet your needs and many of your wants, and having PEACE in your life. This relationship can't offer you that. Hence, if you remain with him, you will suffer, and so will your (eventual) children. It's painful, but you need to move on or regret it later.

If you are 25, you are at the age when moving on will be the easiest for you. Do it now, before you find yourself struggling later.

 

[carcajada]

Girl RUN!

You got "in-law issues" and ya'll ain't even married yet.
If they walk over him now, nothing will change when you all are married.
Been there done that and I was more happy to get away from my in-laws than I was to get away from my ex.

It seems that he feels that he owes them or he's obligated to him and that's a hold that's hard to shake.
They will always be a priority to him.

You speak the truth! And they will always come before her. If she plans to stay, she needs to accept how things are and will always be.

 

[diadall]

Sometimes I feel like there is a double standard. As women we want men to understand how important our family is ("but that's my mamma!")and never consider them baggage no matter what problems they are having but when its a man we are quick to tell each other to find someone else. In reality I cannot expect a man I am not married to or a man that has not even proposed to me to "cut the cord."

 

[LiftedUp]

He need to be with someone who is willing to live and deal with his family situation. He isn't going anywhere anytime soon unless he chooses to. Ultimately he must want to move on from them and he must make that decision otherwise he will resent you for doing it.

 

[kweenameena]

Sometimes I feel like there is a double standard. As women we want men to understand how important our family is ("but that's my mamma!")and never consider them baggage no matter what problems they are having but when its a man we are quick to tell each other to find someone else. In reality I cannot expect a man I am not married to or a man that has not even proposed to me to "cut the cord."

Leave and cleave. Your parents birth you so that you can leave the nest and start your own family.

So you'd be wrong to put your momma before your husband. Cutting the cord doesn't mean that you cut off that person. It just means that they are no longer your #1 priority.

This reminds me of that movie Not Easily Broken were the dude had to argue, not only with his wife, but with her momma as well.

 

[kweenameena]

ITA, if a man has loyalty to his family no matter how dysfucntional they may be...he will always have it. It will be durn near impossible for him to cut the cord. It is a harsh reality, but do not wait 6 years in to see the light like I did. I have to admit even now that I still love him alot, but we would never have survived being married. LOVE does not equal compatibility for a life mate.

I lived it as well and it was a nightmare.

Moving to another state means nothing. I lived in Washington State and his family lived in GA and they still were dictating ish in our marriage. In fact, when I suggested that we go to counseling to try to fix our marriage issues...he told me he wanted to talk it over with his dad first to see what he suggested and to see whether or not his dad agreed with him staying in the marriage. Can you imagine how that feels having your husband lock himself in the room to talk to his dad about your marriage? I'm getting pissed just thinking about it! And mind you....the dad he barely knows!! Woo sah!!!

OP, what was his childhood like? Why is he still trying to win approval from them or maybe it's that he's trying to be their savior?

I'm just asking because in my situation, my ex wasn't raised with his mom or dad. The mom was a crackhead who sent him from home to home. His dad was a fake me out aspiring pastor who left his momma and started a whole other family and completely disregarded him. So now that he is doing well for himself, they've come around. And he has become that child that craved and is finally getting them to pay him attention (good or bad). And nothing was more important than that....not even his wife and child.
I wish that the signs were there from the beginning like they are with you.

If you marry, whenever you all get something new or better, they will feel entitled to it as well. They will tell you how to raise your kids. They will make suggestions on how you should arrange your furniture. Girl, RUN!!!! Just RUN!!!
I have stories for days but this topic has me heated so I'm going to stop now before I write an essay. I'm done.

RUN!!!!!!!! Sorry....I just wanted to make sure you got that!

 

[hopeful]

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. At the beginning of the relationship everything was all gravy....until I got caught up in his family mess. He is the only one in his family that has never done drugs in his life and is one of 2 that doesnt have any criminal record. To me this speaks volumes..he has never given in to any sterotypes and is a AMAZING artist.

So... on to this family of his. They are a very nice bunch but use him like a piece of MEAT. He is soft spoken and persuasive but dont get me wrong is no push over. I really love him and care for him and may want to one day spend the rest of my life with him but his dad has kidney issues and is currently living with him on disability. his mom was living with his sister in an apartment under HIS NAME and wasnt paying any type of rent. no job no nothing. she got evicted so now the mom is living with him and the sister has no where to go unless he opens an apartment in his name for the like 5th time. by the time I want to buy a house he wont have any credit and where will his clingy family go. I really enjoy their company dont get me wrong but the man is 25 and is treated like hes 16. he does everything they tell him to do and call him out of his room like hes 4. he complains about being treated this way but still does nothing.

LHCF how to I get him to cut the cord in just some sort of way. I know the family will never change but its effecting him and our relationship. I cant do this little kid ish anymore. I am tired of seeing him so unhappy at his age. he is very talented and has alot of life ahead of him. and not to mention he more than likely is infected with this deadly disease that runs in his family

This just really saddens me because I love him so much.

yes and although some people are probably think "what the hell are you doing your putting yourself in this situation" they also dont know all that he has done for me since I have been with him.

I feel it would be selfish to leave him for something he cant help REALLY its not like these people are friends.

Im not looking for an overnight change but I just wanted get it off my chest.

I only have one question: How is he not a pushover when he allows his family to treat him like a child, use him and depend on him like he is their parent, and ruin his credit?

I know you are not ready to leave and may never leave, but if you stay and actually get married please go in eyes wide open. Please do not worry your family and friends to death about your situation. If you love him enough to stick around, nothing wrong with that at all, but like someone else said, you will have to suck it up and accept him for who he is. And try not to be jealous of friends who will be able to buy homes and cars, and send their kids to good schools. Just like he is choosing to be the family caretaker, it is your choice to stay or not.

I will also add that I think there is a small possibility that he might change but only if one of two things happens: he realizes how unhealthy the situation is and seeks out some type of counseling and support, or he hits rock bottom and has absolutely nothing else to give: no money, no credit, nothing.

 

[ThickHair]

I will also add that I think there is a small possibility that he might change but only if one of two things happens: he realizes how unhealthy the situation is and seeks out some type of counseling and support, or he hits rock bottom and has absolutely nothing else to give: no money, no credit, nothing.

Correct, nothing the OP can do will change anything, it all starts with her BF.

 

[diadall]

Leave and cleave. Your parents birth you so that you can leave the nest and start your own family.

So you'd be wrong to put your momma before your husband. Cutting the cord doesn't mean that you cut off that person. It just means that they are no longer your #1 priority.

This reminds me of that movie Not Easily Broken were the dude had to argue, not only with his wife, but with her momma as well.

I agree with that. My post was on how many women don't leave and cleave. But this couple isn't married and the OP gave no indication that they are headed for marriage.

 

[biancaantoinette]

Thank you all for your comments.

He is constantly expressing how annoyed he is of his family and its really causing alot of emotional problems for him. His family depended on him and his sisters since he was legally able to work because they were in and out of jail and could barely take care of them.
Anyways.. I saw all of this because he really wants to get out of this babysitting relationship with his parents.
But I see exactly what you all are saying I need to figure it out or get the hell out.
His family really loves us being together and I consider them family but there just TOOOOOO much for me sometimes.

ANYWAYS...
Thanks for all the comments I just needed an outside look on the whole situation.

 

[mischka]

I'm surprised by so much advice for the OP to leave her bf... I would not leave my boyfriend because of something going on with his family that does not affect me op this is probably why people advise not asking friends about romantic relationships

 

[kweenameena]

I'm surprised by so much advice for the OP to leave her bf... I would not leave my boyfriend because of something going on with his family that does not affect me op this is probably why people advise not asking friends about romantic relationships

Ya know...I feel you. And I hate to tell people to leave relationships. Usually that's advice that I give as a last resort. I truly believe that most issues in relationships can be worked out together. But this is an issue that he has to work out alone. On his terms. And when he is ready. To me, it doesn't sound like he's fed up enough to put his foot down.

I wish someone would've told me that when you marry the man, you marry the family.
Assuming she's dating him with the intention of marriage one day.

ETA: If she plans to keep him as just a boyfriend and never marry him then it's a non-issue. I guess.

 

[ebonylocs]

I'm surprised by so much advice for the OP to leave her bf... I would not leave my boyfriend because of something going on with his family that does not affect me op this is probably why people advise not asking friends about romantic relationships

Well it is affecting OP if she is having to make a thread to "vent" about it.


Although I do think the "leave him" advice is a bit extreme and premature.

 

[Aveena]

I wish someone would've told me that when you marry the man, you marry the family.

eta:
Kween I totally see everything that you are saying. So many people don't realize what you just said and end up taking second or even third or forth place to other people when they are trying to start their own family.


.. and who knows? It may not be the right thing for him to up and leave his family - YET? who know? his family might NEED him - RIGHT NOW? if so where does that leave OP? erplexed