Baby Mama DRAMA

[ashmack]

I don't know where to post this, but since it has so much to do with my realtionship, I'll post it here.

Well today everything hit the fan! My BF finally had to go to the police to file a report against .........................................his baby mama! This girl is beyond crazy. I really think she does need some psychological help. This girl, whom I will call K, calls 10+ times a day just to talk to my bf.

Is she calling to talk about their boys (they have twins together)? NO
Is she calling about anything of value or importance about the boys or my bf? NO
So what is she calling for? She is calling to tell my BF that he HAS to talk to her because they have kids together. Not only that, he HAS to call her just to see how she is doing and how her day is going because she is the mother of the kids.

Since when did having kids with someone mean that one is obligated to call the other just to see what they are having for dinner, etc....

Now, that that is out of the way, here is a little background on their 'relationship'. BF and K never dated. He had sex with her once (his first time too) and then never heard from the girl again until like 3 months later. At that time, she informed him that she was pregnant. BF had no idea if the kids were his since he only slept with her once and never heard from her again. Chance are she was having other one night stands too.

Well, about a year or so later BF gets a letter from the courts saying that he needs to pay child support. He is like,what? for who? He had not talked to K since she initially said she was pregnant. By this time, the kids were aleady about one year old. So he goes to court to see this girl he has not talked to in over a year, and indeed, the kids are his.

Well BF and K live about 8 hours away. He is in school. She is not. As a matter of fact she does not work either. She actually refuses to. BF has offered to even pay for full daycare expenses for the kids while she goes back to school or gets a job a couple of days a week. She won't do that either.

Now fast forward to the present. BF and I have been together for over a year. The second she found out he had a GF she started going crazy. She has lied to BF about her parents dying, the kids being deaf, being married, and a whole array of things. JUST CRAZY!

My boyfriend does not know these kids at all. She will not allow him to come and see them, even though he can only see them about twice a year due to school and having to work full-time to afford child support. When we did make the drive to see the kids she said she was 'busy'. She has recenlty moved in with another man after being kicked out of the apartment she lived in with her sister.

I could go on and on for days about this girl, but I will spare you ladies. Do any of you ladies have problems dealing with your SO's baby mama? Will this ever get better. I want to marry my BF but I don't know if I should put myself through all of this drama he keeps having, even though I know he is not the cause.

 

[sunnydaze]

That's a big mess (and a bad way represent the decent baby mamas out there)...but he has to put a stop to it, if it ever will stop.

 

[ashmack]

^^^^ Yeah he is realizing that things won't get better until actions are taken, thus the police report today. He tried telling her in a mature way to stop calling/texting him unless it was about the boys and she just kept responding with "Make me!" I know, real mature, right? There is so much more to the situation. Sadly the only ones that are suffering are those little boys. She does not seem to realize that or even care.

 

[Vanity1]

You need to PM me, Ash. I didn't know you were having a rough patch. I am here if you need to vent.

 

[stinastina]

Did he ever have a paternity test ? Hopefully he is not going through all of this for nothing.....

 

[audacious1]

Ohhh so she had twins?

She's crazy, but I guess I expected worse. This is something you can distance yourself from, right? She isn't disrespecting YOU (I mean outside of the relationship you have with the SO, if you can separate the two), is she?

 

[fmnnity]

He needs to get his kids. Not sure how this will affect your relationship but if he wants peace, he needs to get his youngins.

 

[ashmack]

Did he ever have a paternity test ? Hopefully he is not going through all of this for nothing.....

Yes he had a paternity test. They are his kids.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

I don't know where to post this, but since it has so much to do with my realtionship, I'll post it here.

Well today everything hit the fan! My BF finally had to go to the police to file a report against .........................................his baby mama! This girl is beyond crazy. I really think she does need some psychological help. This girl, whom I will call K, calls 10+ times a day just to talk to my bf.

Is she calling to talk about their boys (they have twins together)? NO
Is she calling about anything of value or importance about the boys or my bf? NO
So what is she calling for? She is calling to tell my BF that he HAS to talk to her because they have kids together. Not only that, he HAS to call her just to see how she is doing and how her day is going because she is the mother of the kids.

Since when did having kids with someone mean that one is obligated to call the other just to see what they are having for dinner, etc....

Now, that that is out of the way, here is a little background on their 'relationship'. BF and K never dated. He had sex with her once (his first time too) and then never heard from the girl again until like 3 months later. At that time, she informed him that she was pregnant. BF had no idea if the kids were his since he only slept with her once and never heard from her again. Chance are she was having other one night stands too.

Well, about a year or so later BF gets a letter from the courts saying that he needs to pay child support. He is like,what? for who? He had not talked to K since she initially said she was pregnant. By this time, the kids were aleady about one year old. So he goes to court to see this girl he has not talked to in over a year, and indeed, the kids are his.

Well BF and K live about 8 hours away. He is in school. She is not. As a matter of fact she does not work either. She actually refuses to. BF has offered to even pay for full daycare expenses for the kids while she goes back to school or gets a job a couple of days a week. She won't do that either.

Now fast forward to the present. BF and I have been together for over a year. The second she found out he had a GF she started going crazy. She has lied to BF about her parents dying, the kids being deaf, being married, and a whole array of things. JUST CRAZY!

My boyfriend does not know these kids at all. She will not allow him to come and see them, even though he can only see them about twice a year due to school and having to work full-time to afford child support. When we did make the drive to see the kids she said she was 'busy'. She has recenlty moved in with another man after being kicked out of the apartment she lived in with her sister.

I could go on and on for days about this girl, but I will spare you ladies. Do any of you ladies have problems dealing with your SO's baby mama? Will this ever get better. I want to marry my BF but I don't know if I should put myself through all of this drama he keeps having, even though I know he is not the cause.

Continue to love your Honey..but stay the heck outta the confusion. The problem is his and for him to solve.

 

[ashmack]

Ohhh so she had twins?

She's crazy, but I guess I expected worse. This is something you can distance yourself from, right? She isn't disrespecting YOU (I mean outside of the relationship you have with the SO, if you can separate the two), is she?

Oh yes! She definitely disrespects me. That's a whole story in itself. She sends bf texts about me calling me every name in the book. The worst is that she started spreading rumors about me to his parents. My boyfriend and I live in the same college town, and the girl lives in his hometown where his parents live. Before I had a chance to meet his parents, she started telling his parents that I was harassing her, and that I was texting her from my bf's phone and all this nonsense. Luckily his parents had enough sense to realize that she is psyhco (literally).

My boyfriend does stand up for me all the time, which causes more problems. She does not like the fact that he loves me and that she was nothing more than a one night stand. I could go on and on for days about the craziness.

 

[ashmack]

He needs to get his kids. Not sure how this will affect your relationship but if he wants peace, he needs to get his youngins.

She won't let him see his kids. They are 2 and he has only seen them like 3 times. He is still in college about 6 hours away from where she and the kids are. The case was actually filed in another city about 8+ hours away. He is not able to go to court at this time to get custody. He actually has joint custody right now, but of course, she is not complying with that.

 

[fmnnity]

She won't let him see his kids. They are 2 and he has only seen them like 3 times. He is still in college about 6 hours away from where she and the kids are. The case was actually filed in another city about 8+ hours away. He is not able to go to court at this time to get custody. He actually has joint custody right now, but of course, she is not complying with that.

I am not sure why he isn't able to go to court right now but that is an obstacle that he MUST overcome. The fact that she isn't complying with joint custody will actually work in his favor. Bottom line, if he wants peace he needs to do this. Otherwise, he will be singing this song for the rest of his life. She is a crazy louse and obviously cannot be trusted to raise those kids.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Dang girl that's a mess. It really is his issue to resolve, he got himself into it by fathering kids with her and now he needs to handle it. If you do marry him, then the baby mama issues will always apart of your life unless she decides to growup or loses custody of her kids. I'd stay away from her though cause she sounds scorned and might do something crazy.

 

[ashmack]

I am not sure why he isn't able to go to court right now but that is an obstacle that he MUST overcome. The fact that she isn't complying with joint custody will actually work in his favor. Bottom line, if he wants peace he needs to do this. Otherwise, he will be singing this song for the rest of his life. She is a crazy louse and obviously cannot be trusted to raise those kids.

He has called the father's help lines. The attorney general's office does not deal with compliance issues, only with monitoring the payments. Father's help told him that he would have to hire an attorney or represent himself. All that is fine and dandy, but he cannot get to the court that has jurisdiction because he lives so far away and is a full-time student and works full-time. He is not financially stable to make that trip. It's a lot more complicated than just going up to the court. Secondly, I know this is going to open a can of worms, but he does not really want to have custody of the kids. He has never really seen them, and her actions and behavior have completely pushed him away. Basically at this point he just wants her to leave him alone and let him just pay his child suppport.

 

[delp]

He shouldn't even be telling you this. He should handle his business. If he doesn't want to be called change his number. Don't cuddle her by calling her back. If he want to see his kids go to court. Period. I hate making excuses for men. I have a really big turn off for men that whine to women about other women and ask for my help. I respect men that keep his business to himself and handle it. If she started tripping when he was in a relationship with you then he should have set the boundaries.

I am not trying to be rude to you. I would suggest you don't get too involved. He should handle his own business. This is not your problem.

 

[ashmack]

He is not telling me this, I am witnessing this. I have been with my bf when she is calling/texting at all hours of the day and night. Since we are in a relationship and I come to him with my problems, he naturally comes to me with his problems. We choose not to keep anything form each other. He is my bestfriend and I am his. I think it's ridiculous to think that he should not ever say anything to me because I am not apart of the situation. I think it would be wrong for me to give him advice or to tell him what to do, however. I do not tell him what kind of relationship he should have with any of them. I am just here to listen to him when he feels he needs to vent. Other than that, everything is left up between them.

He has not answered her phone calls or responded to her in over a month, yet she has continued calling/texting. This is what prompted him to take legal action. She is harrassing him. She is not allowed to harrass him just because they have kids together. That's not right. The only reason he did not take action sooner was because he thought with enough patience, he could just ignore her an she would stop. Obviously that did not work.

 

[ashmack]

Yeah I am not involved. I just listen. I have never called her, said anything to her, told my bf not to talk to her, told him to talk to her, told him to go to court, told him not to go to court, or anything. I just listen. It is my place to listen and support him. If anything she has involved me, but like I said earlier, that's another story.

He cannot change his number because 1. The court order requires that she has his number (he chooses to comply fully with the order) 2. He has business contacts that only know this number and since he is in the process of applying for jobs, he could possibly miss calls if he changes his number now that his resume and applications have all gone out with this number.

 

[delp]

He is not telling me this, I am witnessing this. I have been with my bf when she is calling/texting at all hours of the day and night. Since we are in a relationship and I come to him with my problems, he naturally comes to me with his problems. We choose not to keep anything form each other. He is my bestfriend and I am his. I think it's ridiculous to think that he should not ever say anything to me because I am not apart of the situation. I think it would be wrong for me to give him advice or to tell him what to do, however. I do not tell him what kind of relationship he should have with any of them. I am just here to listen to him when he feels he needs to vent. Other than that, everything is left up between them.

He has not answered her phone calls or responded to her in over a month, yet she has continued calling/texting. This is what prompted him to take legal action. She is harrassing him. She is not allowed to harrass him just because they have kids together. That's not right. The only reason he did not take action sooner was because he thought with enough patience, he could just ignore her an she would stop. Obviously that did not work.

I am glad your not getting involved. That will open another issue. I think he needs to do something but he will have to do it. I knew men that were in that situation and they had to get the law involved and move away (far away). Hopefully, that helps. My advice for you is to "STAY" away from her. A case happen in Georgia a few years back where the new GF was sitting in the car when the guy came to pick up the kids. The old GF came to the car and killed her (new GF). If she is having issues--stay away.

 

[ashmack]

I am glad your not getting involved. That will open another issue. I think he needs to do something but he will have to do it. I knew men that were in that situation and they had to get the law involved and move away (far away). Hopefully, that helps. My advice for you is to "STAY" away from her. A case happen in Georgia a few years back where the new GF was sitting in the car when the guy came to pick up the kids. The old GF came to the car and killed her (new GF). If she is having issues--stay away.

I totally believe she would try to do something to me. Luckily my bf and I are about 6+ hours away from her and I have never seen her. He plans on never seeing her again and so do I. I don't even want her knowing what I look like. She will probably go to prision one of these days for doing something to somebody. I would have never believed that someone could be this unstable.

 

[MissYocairis]

This HARD Ashmack! Keep your class about yourself. Those are his sons and he's gotta take some measures to be a part of their lives. You cannot pass judgment on her just yet because the BEST thing for those boys is that THEIR PARENTS get along and work together in raising them. Yeah she's acting a fool but put yourself in HER shoes.....the single mom of twins? That's gotta be hard as hell! She's not going anywhere and neither are the boys. You hold a very unique position because you can encourage him to make things right by letting him know you are in his CORNER....even if he had full custody.....you will be by his side to help him raise them. AND encourage him to pay her support. Whether she's working or not does not absolve him HIS responsibility. We gotta help our men be better fathers. I'm not making excuses for her bad behavior but neither of you can control her behavior....meanwhile, those poor boys suffer. Put them first. I hope it gets better sweetie.

 

[ashmack]

This HARD Ashmack! Keep your class about yourself. Those are his sons and he's gotta take some measures to be a part of their lives. You cannot pass judgment on her just yet because the BEST thing for those boys is that THEIR PARENTS get along and work together in raising them. Yeah she's acting a fool but put yourself in HER shoes.....the single mom of twins? That's gotta be hard as hell! She's not going anywhere and neither are the boys. You hold a very unique position because you can encourage him to make things right by letting him know you are in his CORNER....even if he had full custody.....you will be by his side to help him raise them. AND encourage him to pay her support. Whether she's working or not does not absolve him HIS responsibility. We gotta help our men be better fathers. I'm not making excuses for her bad behavior but neither of you can control her behavior....meanwhile, those poor boys suffer. Put them first. I hope it gets better sweetie.

I realize she is in a hard position, but I can't put her sons first when she doesn't. Until he is able to go to court he will likely never see these kids. She won't allow him. He is actually overpaid on his support. I don't have to encourage him to do this because he already wants to do this. He has even offered her additional money outside of the order so that the boys could have a chance to go to daycare and socialize with other kids. She took them money, and he later found out she never took the kids to daycare So that additional money stopped. He has not yet had a chance to be a good father or a bad father because of her actions. This situation has really made me think twice when I hear that someone is a deadbeat dad. Sometimes the guy is not even given a chance to be a father at all. This is my bf's case. He was already living over 6 hours away when he learned he had kids and the kids were already one.

I don't give him my opinion either way. I don't want to be accused of pursuading him or influencing him. All I know is that my bf really has tried to be a father since knowing that he has kids. Like I explained earlier, he is not in a position to go to court, and she is not likely to get any sense anytime soon, so for now all he can do is pay the child support.

She cannot use the fact that she is a mother of two as an excuse to act any way she chooses and to harrass and stalk someone. She must not be struggling that much to raise the kids because she has a lot of time to bother my bf.

I just hope and PRAY that she stops devoting her life to ruining my bf's life and being mad at him for being in a relationship. I'm just scared that things will only get worse when we get married. That's my biggest fear right now.

 

[MissYocairis]

I realize she is in a hard position, but I can't put her sons first when she doesn't. Until he is able to go to court he will likely never see these kids. She won't allow him. He is actually overpaid on his support. I don't have to encourage him to do this because he already wants to do this. He has even offered her additional money outside of the order so that the boys could have a chance to go to daycare and socialize with other kids. She took them money, and he later found out she never took the kids to daycare So that additional money stopped. He has not yet had a chance to be a good father or a bad father because of her actions. This situation has really made me think twice when I hear that someone is a deadbeat dad. Sometimes the guy is not even given a chance to be a father at all. This is my bf's case. He was already living over 6 hours away when he learned he had kids and the kids were already one.

I don't give him my opinion either way. I don't want to be accused of pursuading him or influencing him. All I know is that my bf really has tried to be a father since knowing that he has kids. Like I explained earlier, he is not in a position to go to court, and she is not likely to get any sense anytime soon, so for now all he can do is pay the child support.

She cannot use the fact that she is a mother of two as an excuse to act any way she chooses and to harrass and stalk someone. She must not be struggling that much to raise the kids because she has a lot of time to bother my bf.

I just hope and PRAY that she stops devoting her life to ruining my bf's life and being mad at him for being in a relationship. I'm just scared that things will only get worse when we get married. That's my biggest fear right now.

Oh yes you CAN put HIS sons first when she doesn't. They aren't just HERS.

And if you are going to marry this man, be sure you can handle being their stepmom. Anything could happen. She could be declared unfit in the future...or become ill...or worse, DIE. So don't marry him if you aren't up for the challenge.

 

[ashmack]

Oh yes you CAN put HIS sons first when she doesn't. They aren't just HERS.

And if you are going to marry this man, be sure you can handle being their stepmom. Anything could happen. She could be declared unfit in the future...or become ill...or worse, DIE. So don't marry him if you aren't up for the challenge.

Trust me, my bf and I have already discussed these possibilities. He knows how I feel about those kids. I will never be a step mom. I will just be their dad's wife. We know how we will handle the situation if something does happen to her. Trust me, this has been discussed more than anything. Our solutions does not require me to care for kids that are not mine. I do feel sorry for the kids, but it's not my responsibility to make sure that their parents are making the best decisions for them. That is up to my bf and her. That has nothing to do with me.

 

[ThickHair]

I think you should take a break from this man and let him get his stuff together. All of that is unnecessary.

I married a man who had 3 kids by 3 different woman, yes, I know, but there were NEVER any problems with the mother's, he had everything straight.

While we are now divorce, the relationship all of us had with the children and the mother's was the only positive thing that I miss about my marriage. Imagine that. We just had a crappy marriage.

 

[lisana]

Has he thought about the option of terminating his parental rights?

 

[MissYocairis]

Trust me, my bf and I have already discussed these possibilities. He knows how I feel about those kids. I will never be a step mom. I will just be their dad's wife. We know how we will handle the situation if something does happen to her. Trust me, this has been discussed more than anything. Our solutions does not require me to care for kids that are not mine. I do feel sorry for the kids, but it's not my responsibility to make sure that their parents are making the best decisions for them. That is up to my bf and her. That has nothing to do with me.

...? That's sad. Your boyfriend is a FATHER. If he becomes your husband, he will still be a FATHER and it would technically make you a stepmom. What are you gonna do? Ignore the kids when they come to stay at your house? Refuse to spend time with them or help take care of them? Girl. Are you gonna try at all to develop a relationship with them or just pretend they don't exist? It's not those boys' fault that their PARENTS were irresponsible...yes, your boyfriend included...

Trust me...you do not realize what kinda fire you are working with here. I married a man with a son OOW....the mama DIED one year into our marriage. That's right....she up and DIED. Who you think got custody? ... and WHO do you think became INSTANT MOMMY RIGHT OFF THE BAT whether I wanted to, saw myself that way or NOT?!? Trust me, your BF doesn't have a relationship with the children right now and they are a burden because the mama is acting a fool...but once he gets a relationship with them and begins to recognize how important he is to them and how important they are to him, he is gonna be looking at you to EVOLVE in your thinking as well because the bottomline is this...nothing will change the fact that he has two sons and a responsibility to them. Children have a way of trumping EVERY other plan you think you have going. And, trust me...resenting them and separating yourself and just being "Daddy's wife" to them will end up being friction between you and hubby as he grows to love them. You don't want to go down that road sis....

I'm done. I don't mean to be offensive. Better someone tell you this stuff now than AFTER you marry a man who is a father if you are not up to the responsibility. Best of luck to you.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Trust me, my bf and I have already discussed these possibilities. He knows how I feel about those kids. I will never be a step mom. I will just be their dad's wife. We know how we will handle the situation if something does happen to her. Trust me, this has been discussed more than anything. Our solutions does not require me to care for kids that are not mine. I do feel sorry for the kids, but it's not my responsibility to make sure that their parents are making the best decisions for them. That is up to my bf and her. That has nothing to do with me.

I agree wit Cantbecopied, she is right on with everything she said. If you do marry him and he somehow gets full custody of those kids, you will have to be a stepmommy to them otherwise you all are going to have miserable lives. If you and him have kids, then your kids will be raised right along side his other kids and you're not going to be able to exclude them because they aren't yours without major, major drama. There is sooo much literature out there on step families. I'd read some of it before you marry your man so you can decide if you want to deal with it or not.

Also, maybe you can suggest family counseling for your bf and his kids mother. Better he fix the problem now than let it persist.

 

[lexi08]

Trust me, my bf and I have already discussed these possibilities. He knows how I feel about those kids. I will never be a step mom. I will just be their dad's wife. We know how we will handle the situation if something does happen to her. Trust me, this has been discussed more than anything. Our solutions does not require me to care for kids that are not mine. I do feel sorry for the kids, but it's not my responsibility to make sure that their parents are making the best decisions for them. That is up to my bf and her. That has nothing to do with me.

Wow I am going to have to agree with CBC on this one. Your boyfriend is a father and will always be one regardless of what you want or say. It is always, always a possibility that they will come under you and their fathers care. So, if they had to come live with you, you would not help care for them? I really think you should rethink being involved with this man not for his sake or yours, but for those babies. They can't help what situation they are in, they deserve to be under the care of parents that love and nuture them, INCLUDING THE STEPMOM. I feel sorry for those babies, an unstable mother and a potential stepmom that does not want them and your boyfriend is okay with you saying these things?

 

[*Frisky*]

I agree wit Cantbecopied, she is right on with everything she said. If you do marry him and he somehow gets full custody of those kids, you will have to be a stepmommy to them otherwise you all are going to have miserable lives. If you and him have kids, then your kids will be raised right along side his other kids and you're not going to be able to exclude them because they aren't yours without major, major drama. There is sooo much literature out there on step families. I'd read some of it before you marry your man so you can decide if you want to deal with it or not.

Also, maybe you can suggest family counseling for your bf and his kids mother. Better he fix the problem now than let it persist.

I double co sign with you and CBC...I have dealt with a similiar situation and thinking you are not gonna have to deal with kids isnt really a reality and can cause resentment and may possibly make your bf reconsider the marriage.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

He shouldn't even be telling you this. He should handle his business. If he doesn't want to be called change his number. Don't cuddle her by calling her back. If he want to see his kids go to court. Period. I hate making excuses for men. I have a really big turn off for men that whine to women about other women and ask for my help. I respect men that keep his business to himself and handle it. If she started tripping when he was in a relationship with you then he should have set the boundaries.

I am not trying to be rude to you. I would suggest you don't get too involved. He should handle his own business. This is not your problem.

I agree with this...He can block his number when he calls her..etc etc. My b/f baby momma does not even know where he lives...all she knows is that he picks up his daughter (now 6) regularly and pays his support on time (although it is not court ordered). And for the longest time I thought his baby momma name was " my daughter's mother" which was just fine with me cause I did not want to be all caught up in the mess! I soooo agree with everything that is posted above and I am not trying to be rude either but he should handle his own business.