Attachment Theory

This thread is so fascinating. I already took the test and got anxious. However, a few years ago when I was in a healthier place I was told by someone who was interested in me that I "didn't care about anything" and I was shocked by that. He told me that nothing he does upsets me and it makes him feel like I don't care about him. I tried to tell him this was untrue.

Now from that statement you might peg him as anxious but this man was avoidant. That much was clear but it didn't bother me. He would make plans with me and then break them and go ghost for days. I wouldn't really notice until he popped back up again just thinking he got busy or needed space. Or he would call me at weird hours of the night just to start a fight and would hang up on me when I wouldn't engage. I wouldn't call back thinking he was just upset and needed time to calm down.

I didn't deal with it the way he wanted me to and looking back, he may have been looking for someone more anxious. But he was a good guy that needed to work through some things and I tolerated it in the background while going about my business. After all, they were his problems not mine, right? In the end I let him go telling him he needed to get help and he would benefit from therapy. Years later he reached out to me and since my memories of him were of someone with issues I kept telling him it was not a good idea that we see each other again.

Thinking about all of this really makes me wish I could snap my fingers and go back to being that person. I felt much more secure in who I was back then and I have no idea what's changed.
 
DarkJoy said:
idk. i personally dont feel unlovable. ive had a decade of deep therapy and that's never been of issue. my inner self/child is so deserving of love but not of pain. what is of issue is an overwhelming need to protect myself from additional hurts, perhaps even at the cost of not allowing closeness enough to receive it fully.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for this. It's more important to you to avoid being hurt. That matters more than being loved?
 
So...I asked my boyfriend to take the quiz to determine his style (without telling him what I got) and he replied...

Avoidant! :lachen::lachen::lachen:

Update: And he got that I'm secure...:lachen:

I guess perception is everything.
 
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I have been reading a lot of articles on the topic. Im waiting for a coupon from barnes and noble before i buy the book in store :lachen:.

But im finding this topic to be amazing & somewhat therapeutic. Ive been going over and over in my head why i keep ending up in situations that never form a type of commitment. And now i get it. Ive been with a bunch of avoidant men.:( Especially the last one which i discussed in the single ladies thread already. That man was a pure avoidant to the 10th power. He had no problem being affectionate or even wanting me in his space all the time. But it was always on his terms. He had to control that. If i showed signs of being clingy or wanting more of him...he would pull back. As an anxious type...i would get triggered by this rejection by either doing something out of spite...or I will come running to try and fix it. Me giving him that attention somehow made him feel important...even though the conflict would never get resolved. No middle ground and no compromise from him. As an anxious i would just keep going with the flow because having him here was way better than not even if i wasnt getting my needs met:oops:

Its a terrible cycle to get caught into. Its exhausting. Wish i knew about this years ago. But im fully aware now. I wont make this mistake again by being more aware of the warning signs earlier
 
i got secure and based on how my mom describes me as a baby i was a secure infant.

however i don't agree. i think im an avoidant/anxious mix but predominantly avoidant.

eta: im generally a very anxious person but that style is not resonating with me at all. cant relate to the avoidant type either. i guess im secure with lots of anger issues.:lol:
 
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KammyGirl said:
This thread is so fascinating. I already took the test and got anxious. However, a few years ago when I was in a healthier place I was told by someone who was interested in me that I "didn't care about anything" and I was shocked by that. He told me that nothing he does upsets me and it makes him feel like I don't care about him. I tried to tell him this was untrue.

Now from that statement you might peg him as anxious but this man was avoidant. That much was clear but it didn't bother me. He would make plans with me and then break them and go ghost for days. I wouldn't really notice until he popped back up again just thinking he got busy or needed space. Or he would call me at weird hours of the night just to start a fight and would hang up on me when I wouldn't engage. I wouldn't call back thinking he was just upset and needed time to calm down.

I didn't deal with it the way he wanted me to and looking back, he may have been looking for someone more anxious. But he was a good guy that needed to work through some things and I tolerated it in the background while going about my business. After all, they were his problems not mine, right? In the end I let him go telling him he needed to get help and he would benefit from therapy. Years later he reached out to me and since my memories of him were of someone with issues I kept telling him it was not a good idea that we see each other again.

Thinking about all of this really makes me wish I could snap my fingers and go back to being that person. I felt much more secure in who I was back then and I have no idea what's changed.
Click to expand...

This sounds like he was anxious to me. He was engaging in what the book calls "protest" behavior, which is what ends up sabotaging the relationship.
 
Dposh167 said:
I have been reading a lot of articles on the topic. Im waiting for a coupon from barnes and noble before i buy the book in store :lachen:.

But im finding this topic to be amazing & somewhat therapeutic. Ive been going over and over in my head why i keep ending up in situations that never form a type of commitment. And now i get it. Ive been with a bunch of avoidant men.:( Especially the last one which i discussed in the single ladies thread already. That man was a pure avoidant to the 10th power. He had no problem being affectionate or even wanting me in his space all the time. But it was always on his terms. He had to control that. If i showed signs of being clingy or wanting more of him...he would pull back. As an anxious type...i would get triggered by this rejection by either doing something out of spite...or I will come running to try and fix it. Me giving him that attention somehow made him feel important...even though the conflict would never get resolved. No middle ground and no compromise from him. As an anxious i would just keep going with the flow because having him here was way better than not even if i wasnt getting my needs met:oops:

Its a terrible cycle to get caught into. Its exhausting. Wish i knew about this years ago. But im fully aware now. I wont make this mistake again by being more aware of the warning signs earlier
Click to expand...

I could have written all of this myself. It is dead on for me.
 
LiftedUp said:
I'm extremely avoidant :lol:

Let me take the quiz.

I didn't expect to get secure. Maybe I'm a bit of both.

Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.
Click to expand...

I'm now actually reading the meaning of secure and it's true. I'm exactly that. I just called it being self absorbed lol. But I'm like that with my friends as well and if anything in life I enjoy is being there for my people.
 
As previously stated, our attachment styles are created during our childhood and have a direct correlation with our parent's parenting style (Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive or Uninvolved). We learn how to do "relationships" (all types...platonic, romantic and professional) by what we witnessed growing up. What we were taught about relationships plays out subconsciously in our adulthood because we gravitate to what is familiar (good or bad).
In my clinical opinion, it is extremely difficult to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with someone who has an avoidant or anxious attachment style. Because the the goal is to always successfully differentiate from one's family of origin and evolve into a secure adult, merging with someone who isn't at that stage could be damaging to one's self-esteem (we have all witnessed this). The work has to be done individually, there is nothing you can do to make a person with an avoidant or anxious attachment style feel more comfortable...they have to want that for themselves. Just know...if you pursue a relationship with someone knowing they have anything but a secure attachment style, you will see it play out in your relationship. You will either be running after them...or running away from them.
 
I don't think Avoidants and the Anxious are people that need to be avoided at all cost. It's just that certain types of people are not compatible with each other at all, and this is a way to recognize that. Secure people don't have perfectly happy relationships that last forever, even with each other. It's just an attachment style. It says nothing about your character or level of psychotic-ness.
 
Ipanema said:
I don't think Avoidants and the Anxious are people that need to be avoided at all cost. It's just that certain types of people are not compatible with each other at all, and this is a way to recognize that. Secure people don't have perfectly happy relationships that last forever, even with each other. It's just an attachment style. It says nothing about your character or level of psychotic-ness.
Click to expand...
Agreed. No one is perfect and like most things, extremes exist. I don't feel exhausted or stressed. I'm aware of my attachment style (among other personal characteristics) and work to ensure it doesn't have a negative impact on the relationships in my life.

The exhaustion I sometimes feel has to do with being an introvert who knows how to be extroverted when necessary and has to do it often because of work.

And my boyfriend talks a lot...:lachen:
 
Dposh167 said:
I have been reading a lot of articles on the topic. Im waiting for a coupon from barnes and noble before i buy the book in store :lachen:.

But im finding this topic to be amazing & somewhat therapeutic. Ive been going over and over in my head why i keep ending up in situations that never form a type of commitment. And now i get it. Ive been with a bunch of avoidant men.:( Especially the last one which i discussed in the single ladies thread already. That man was a pure avoidant to the 10th power. He had no problem being affectionate or even wanting me in his space all the time. But it was always on his terms. He had to control that. If i showed signs of being clingy or wanting more of him...he would pull back. As an anxious type...i would get triggered by this rejection by either doing something out of spite...or I will come running to try and fix it. Me giving him that attention somehow made him feel important...even though the conflict would never get resolved. No middle ground and no compromise from him. As an anxious i would just keep going with the flow because having him here was way better than not even if i wasnt getting my needs met:oops:

Its a terrible cycle to get caught into. Its exhausting. Wish i knew about this years ago. But im fully aware now. I wont make this mistake again by being more aware of the warning signs earlier
Click to expand...

I wanted to address this now that I've thought a little more about it.

It really is almost impossible to feel secure in these "situationships" as I call them. There's always going to be that fear of them doing something and coming back with "well, we're not in a relationship" as a retort when you get upset. I have by far been in more situationships than relationships so my constant state of anxiety makes sense.

I can only think of one actual relationship where I always felt anxious, and that was because he gave me very concrete reasons to (finding phone numbers, chatting with women online all hours of the night). And he was a truck driver, so there was that. :look:

This is hard work. It's tough to admit to some of these things about myself. But it needs to be done.
 
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I was looking up an article on whether opposites attract and found this article from Psychology Today:

Do Opposites Really Attract? It's Complicated.

Opposites attract, and likes repel. When it comes to magnetism, this natural principle is axiomatic. But does it also hold true for romantic relationships?

New research suggests that when it comes to matters of the heart...well, it's complicated.

Studies have found that people are more likely to be attracted to and pursue romantic relationships with individuals who are more like themselves across a broad range of personal characteristics, including age, religion, political orientation, and certain aspects of intelligence. Consider the 2014 research paper in which an international team of economists found that better-educated people tend to marry other better-educated people—while individuals with less formal schooling tend to partner with people of comparable educational levels.

Generally speaking, it appears, birds of a feather romantically flock together. But are they happier in their relationships? It is a curious question—and one that was investigated in a new study conducted by researchers Nathan Hudson and Chris Fraley. Specifically, they wanted to examine whether couples that are more similar in terms of personality are more satisfied than those who are more dissimilar.

Here's what the researchers did:

They recruited couples in romantic relationships and gave them a battery of tests five times over the course of a year (approximately once every two months). The study began with 174 couples—including one gay couple and one lesbian couple. Seventy-four percent of the sample was white, and their ages ranged from 18 to 25 years. They were a relatively committed group, as 93 percent were in exclusive relationships and 3.3 percent of the couples were engaged. The slim remainder of the sample characterized their relationships as ‘‘casual.’’ Relationship length at the start of the study varied, ranging from less than one month to seven years, with an average of almost 17 months.

To assess similarity, Hudson and Fraley referred to the Big Five Personality traits. Participants rated themselves and their partners for extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability (the opposite of neuroticism), and openness to experience. They also completed a measure of relationship satisfaction.

The researchers crunched the numbers and uncovered some fascinating results. Partners who were similar to each other in terms of agreeableness and moderately similar in terms of emotional stability were more satisfied in their relationships. By contrast, sharing the traits of extraversion, conscientiousness, and openness did not predict relationship satisfaction. Thus, sharing similar personality traits doesn't necessarily mean a relationship will be more satisfying—that is, unless you perceive that you are similar. Hudson and Fraley found that partners who see themselves as similar have more satisfying relationships, regardless of whether or not they actually are very similar.

But Hudson and Fraley took their investigation an intriguing step further. Given that attachment fundamentally shapes how people function in romantic relationships, they wanted to test whether adult attachment style influences the association between partner similarity and relationship satisfaction. (The participants also completed an attachment questionnaire.)


Attachment develops from the relationship between infants and their caregiver, with particular respect to responsiveness and availability. The effects of early attachment are far-reaching, establishing how we perceive ourselves and others as we grow into adults. In broad terms, individuals who experience loving and consistent early caregiving develop secure attachment, while those who receive harsh and/or inconsistent treatment from their early caregivers develop insecure attachment.

Insecure attachment breaks down into two types:

  • Those who are high on attachment avoidance believe that others will not respond to their needs, and correspondingly have a negative view of others. They tend to avoid intimacy, and are ill at ease when they feel their partner is too close.
  • Those who are high on attachment anxiety are preoccupied with how available others are, and have a negative view of themselves. They seek out intimacy and contact with others, and can often be cloying or “needy” in their relationships.
(Securely attached people are low on attachment avoidance and anxiety, and demonstrate higher levels of adjustment in their relationships.)

The results were striking. Highly avoidant people seemed to be most satisfied with their relationships when the personalities of the partners were moderately similar. The researchers interpret this finding as possibly reflecting a level of “counter-dependence” with which avoidant people are comfortable. Put another way, an optimal balance of similarities and differences may help avoidant people keep intimacy at bay.

But for highly anxious people, it was a different story. They experience greater levels of relationship satisfaction with partners who are either highly similar or dissimilar to them. Hudson and Fraley speculate that similarity offers anxious people the feeling of “oneness” that they crave with their significant others, while dissimilarity may encourage “reliant dependence” on their partners. For the anxiously attached, having a dissimilar partner may be a way to compensate for one's own shortcoming, say the researchers.


So, do opposites attract?

Again, it's complicated. But here's a thought: It has been said that the happiest couples never have the same character—they just have the best understanding of their differences.

Perhaps that keen observation is fodder for a future study.


Vinita Mehta, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist in Washington, DC, and an expert on relationships, managing anxiety and stress, and building health and resilience. Mehta provides speaking engagements for your organization and psychotherapy for adults. She has successfully worked with individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, and life transitions, with a growing specialization in recovery from trauma and abuse. She is also the author of the forthcoming book Paleo Love: How Our Stone Age Bodies Complicate Modern Relationships. You can find her other Psychology Today posts here.
 
Surprised at this....I expected Avoidant..
Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.

Connect with us:
 
This guy I'm dating and i were chatting about being In Love...he asked me how many times have I been....i said perhaps twice at the most. Once for sure.
He said i was ducking getting intimate with people since it's only been twice. I don't fall in love with people that quickly.

Just curious about your experience.
 
I just had this conversation with my boyfriend last night. He has been in love once and it took a long time for it to develop. I think part of it comes from the fact that in his culture, arranged marriages are plentiful - he even considered one at one point.

I've truly been in love just once, too, (I think) but I say it more easily. I grew up with parents who said it often, but actions didn't always line up. I'll have to examine how that's played out for me...
 
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@quirkydimples Thanks for sharing.... This guy was saying in over 40 years just once or perhaps twice you fell in love?

Perhaps because I didn't grow up around it may be why I haven't fell in love more. hmmm
 
I finished the book. I'm definitely a secure attacher. I wasn't always. I used to be avoidant because of fear. Like someone else said upthread, thank God for personal growth! One big thing I've adopted from this book is to be a better communicator. It saves time, energy and frustration. Give people the benefit of the doubt until you discuss the issue with them. They can't read my mind. The silent treatment is deadly. I was famous for blocking dudes left and right without giving them a chance to explain themselves. That created a lot of resentment on their part. Once resentment enters a relationship, it basically kills it. And here I was doing that over and over again. :nono: Like I said, thank goodness for growth!
 
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