Attachment Theory

I wish they would have went more into detail about people with secure attachment. Everything they were saying about secures was true. We aren't perfect though and we get upset as well. Wish they would have went more into how to continue relating well to your mate as a secure person or get things back on track when things are off. Even though I'm secure, it's really something that is innate so it's something I don't think about or analyze. I would have liked for them to spell it out in more detail and with more examples. The book really focused on anxious ppl most.
 
Froreal3 said:
I wish they would have went more into detail about people with secure attachment. Everything they were saying about secures was true. We aren't perfect though and we get upset as well. Wish they would have went more into how to continue relating well to your mate as a secure person or get things back on track when things are off. Even though I'm secure, it's really something that is innate so it's something I don't think about or analyze. I would have liked for them to spell it out in more detail and with more examples. The book really focused on anxious ppl most.
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I know right? I felt cheated. I guess since we're MOSTLY drama-free and deal with most situations well, we don't really need much help. The squeaky wheel gets the grease right?
 
I already know I'm anxious. It's interesting though, because my mom said I was a calm child that wasn't needy. And as a teenager, I never craved for my parents attention. Maybe by that age I learned to live without it? In my friendships I'm definitely secure: take me or leave me, I'll be fine regardless. Romantic relationships though...no bueno. I've definitely improved, but I still internalize everything, and I'm sensitive to the slightest changes in behavior. I do tend to dislike most men I meet, but when I find one I do like, I'm all in.

I was going to order the book from amazon, but I may need to download the audiobook too lol.
 
Oh! There's a great book for the anxious folks, it's called "facing love addiction". I never finished it though, but I plan to pick it back up
 
Screenshot_20170520-132835.png I just KNEW for sure I was Anxious, but I am actually Secure despite the things I see as flaws. I do wonder if I am doing something wrong if there is a period of miscommunication. But as it was said upthread an Avoidant partner can turn a Secure being into an Anxious one. So maybe I need to believe in myself more, if I am innately a Secure being and grab this book to fine tune my picker.
 
sgold04 said:
I already know I'm anxious. It's interesting though, because my mom said I was a calm child that wasn't needy. And as a teenager, I never craved for my parents attention. Maybe by that age I learned to live without it? In my friendships I'm definitely secure: take me or leave me, I'll be fine regardless. Romantic relationships though...no bueno. I've definitely improved, but I still internalize everything, and I'm sensitive to the slightest changes in behavior. I do tend to dislike most men I meet, but when I find one I do like, I'm all in.
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Every single thing you wrote about yourself including how you were as a child is exactly like me. I wasn't needy as a child either. I have a secure attachment with women friends...but with men it's anxious. I know why too. I had a better relationship with my mom growing up but my father was emotionally distant. :(. It's probably why I can attach myself securely with women friends...but romantic relationships with men, I'm so needy. I'm subconsciously trying to get the emotional attachment i didn't get from my father.
 
Ipanema said:
It also says that a Secure person should also be aware because they can end up becoming Anxious when being with an Avoidant person.
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Wooooow. I would've thought I was anxious person because of my last relationship. He definitely had avoidant like behaviors.

I took the test and I got Secure. It makes perfect sense now. I'm pretty sure this new guy I'm seeing is Secure too.

Great share, OP!
 
Dposh167 said:
@luving me
@Froreal3

for those of you who scored "secure". Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with an avoidant ? If so, do you recall how you handed them?
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I only had one that was avoidant. Off and on several years and I turned into something i didn't recognize. I'm sure it can work if the secure partner (me) had more influence over his avoidant, but instead he influenced me.

In beginning, I just gave him space and didn't take his nonsense as anything more than someone running from something real. We'd talk about it. At some point we stopped talking about this behavior and I stopped wanting to give him space because I became anxious...even too anxious to tell him his nonsense bothered me.

I had to run away/put some distance between us in order to start feeling like myself again. We both knew that. I didn't do it because of him, but I knew it would help several areas of my life (financial, career, etc)

I guess the only advice I have is to keep talking and try not to become Anxious.
 
Dposh167 said:
Every single thing you wrote about yourself including how you were as a child is exactly like me. I wasn't needy as a child either. I have a secure attachment with women friends...but with men it's anxious. I know why too. I had a better relationship with my mom growing up but my father was emotionally distant. :(. It's probably why I can attach myself securely with women friends...but romantic relationships with men, I'm so needy. I'm subconsciously trying to get the emotional attachment i didn't get from my father.
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Ahhhhhhh! This makes perfect sense. My dad is a narcissist, so while he was physically present, his affections were inconsistent. He also went out all the time and partied a lot. He put the needs of his "friends" (a lot of them women) above the needs of his family. Interestingly, my dad is the next topic of discussion in therapy :/ I've been trying to avoid it lol.
 
I'm in the middle of chapter 4 in the audiobook. This is really good stuff. I tend to date a lot of avoidants which is pretty horrible considering my attachment style lol. I'm going to order the book so I can highlight things and scribble notes. So far, this seems like it will be a handy guide when dating.

I would be interested in finding out if percentage of a particular attachment style varies by race and/or class (they said the percentages across the general population are approximately 50% secure, 25% avoidant and 20% anxious). I feel like I encounter A LOT of avoidant Black men.
 
Um, do any of the secures find their anxious mate's protest behaviors annoying? Like seriously, me not texting you or calling (after we already spoke once in the morning) because I'm busy at work is not gonna kill you or the relationship. I know it's our routine but c'mon son. Like get outta your funky mood already. :rolleyes:

The difference with secures I think is that we would never actually say this to our SO. We would ask them what's wrong, try to make it better in some way and try to keep it moving by not focusing on the negative until they lighten up. That's in my experience anyway. Anyone else?

ETA: He's outta the funk. :lol:
 
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Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.


I figured. It's easy to get in relationships, harder to shake these men folk off and tell them to give me a darn second to see if I want them lol. I have to purposely make certain it's not back to back because they wait to jump into relationships with me. I had a friend saying some guys befriend me and wait in the wings lol. So anyways I assumed I'd be in the secure area.
 
Froreal3 said:
Um, do any of the secures find their anxious mate's protest behaviors annoying? Like seriously, me not texting you or calling (after we already spoke once in the morning) because I'm busy at work is not gonna kill you or the relationship. I know it's our routine but c'mon son. Like get outta your funky mood already. :rolleyes:

The difference with secures I think is that we would never actually say this to our SO. We would ask them what's wrong, try to make it better in some way and try to keep it moving by not focusing on the negative until they lighten up. That's in my experience anyway. Anyone else?

ETA: He's outta the funk. :lol:
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Us anxious folks know intellectually that it won't kill the relationship but emotionally inside we've obviously done something horrible and terrible to keep you from our regular routine of contact. Lol It's actually a terrible feeling for the anxious person. We want to stop but we can't. Even you saying it's not gonna kill the relationship with rolling eyes wouldn't reassure me. I'd be like but you rolled your eyes what does that meannnn???:lol: My ex fiance did a terrible number on me I'm finding out from all this reading and my therapy.
 
KammyGirl said:
Us anxious folks know intellectually that it won't kill the relationship but emotionally inside we've obviously done something horrible and terrible to keep you from our regular routine of contact. Lol It's actually a terrible feeling for the anxious person. We want to stop but we can't. Even you saying it's not gonna kill the relationship with rolling eyes wouldn't reassure me. I'd be like but you rolled your eyes what does that meannnn???:lol: My ex fiance did a terrible number on me I'm finding out from all this reading and my therapy.
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:lol: Thanks! I only rolled my eyes in here to my online girls, but I kept it cute with him. haha Sometimes he's even like, "Did I do something wrong?" and I'm like, "Um....no." :perplexed: I remember in the beginning he would be like, "So, I just won't call you either." I was just like, "Umm....ok?" :look: Like, that doesn't affect me at all. :lachen:

So I make sure to do the little things that won't make him more anxious. He doesn't get like this often, so we're great. It just be those few times when I'm like, "Seriously?" However, he always gets out of the mood when I just keep it cute, with no nasty tone, no rolling eyes, and talk about regular stuff, not even mentioning his little attitude. I kind of ignore it and his attachment system becomes less heightened. At the end of the day, what is one phone call if it makes the person that I love feel that bit more secure?
 
Froreal3 said:
remember in the beginning he would be like, "So, I just won't call you either." I was just like, "Umm....ok?
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Lol....thats us being spiteful. We feel like we have to do something back to u to make u feel hurt the way we are hurt for u not calling us back. Im ashamed I played this game so many times. I would just not answer his phone call for like a day or a couple days. All because he didnt call me back. And if it became a habit...whew lawd watch out. Im doing better with this though lol
 
I'm definitely hyper-sensitive to changes in routines/behavior. If I'm used to hearing from you by a certain time, and it gets later in the day and there's been no contact, I will wonder what's going on and if I did something wrong. It's not always unwarranted concern though. In a couple of these instances, the guy did end up disappearing completely.

But I do think I need to dig deeper into my abandonment issues. I know they stem from my relationship with my dad, I just don't know how to fix them.
 
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I got anxious and Im cool with that because although I do FEEL anxious in a relationship I don't show it. when I feel something is changing I go ghost.

recently I started missing an ex I went ghost on and started fewling like it was all my fault cause I left bla bla bla. mostly because my loved ones like to joke with me that I have no feelings(because like I said I feel anxious but I think I outwardly show avoidant. hell, I didn't even know how to answer most of these questions because im aware I do not act the way I feel). so I started regretting things ive done.
and now im like F that. I like who I am.

even in the description for anxious it says we are often(I read this as always lol) right about what we think/feel but we take it personally. man whatever. if im right then I can take it how I want.
believing that I needed to change had me reaching out to an ex and not even getting the results I was looking for(all cause I had a lame ssa moment feeling like I act too avoidant when that's just who I am).
 
KammyGirl said:
Us anxious folks know intellectually that it won't kill the relationship but emotionally inside we've obviously done something horrible and terrible to keep you from our regular routine of contact. Lol It's actually a terrible feeling for the anxious person. We want to stop but we can't. Even you saying it's not gonna kill the relationship with rolling eyes wouldn't reassure me. I'd be like but you rolled your eyes what does that meannnn???:lol: My ex fiance did a terrible number on me I'm finding out from all this reading and my therapy.
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Really?? Wow...
 
KammyGirl said:
Us anxious folks know intellectually that it won't kill the relationship but emotionally inside we've obviously done something horrible and terrible to keep you from our regular routine of contact. Lol It's actually a terrible feeling for the anxious person. We want to stop but we can't. Even you saying it's not gonna kill the relationship with rolling eyes wouldn't reassure me. I'd be like but you rolled your eyes what does that meannnn???:lol: My ex fiance did a terrible number on me I'm finding out from all this reading and my therapy.
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Sometimes I think we might be the same person. :lol:

This is 100% me.
 
U know what couple is the great example of an anxious woman and avoidant man......carrie and Mr. Big from sex and the city. I was watching an episode recently and it just dawned on me. Carrie is anxious and i never noticed it before. I used to think she just knew that she wante love and then went for it...but that poor woman was trapped in an avoidant's tangled web.
 
Dposh167 said:
U know what couple is the great example of an anxious woman and avoidant man......carrie and Mr. Big from sex and the city. I was watching an episode recently and it just dawned on me. Carrie is anxious and i never noticed it before. I used to think she just knew that she wante love and then went for it...but that poor woman was trapped in an avoidant's tangled web.
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And every time she seemed to get herself together he came round to ruin her all over again. I'm one of the people salty as hell that they ended up together. Lol
 
I haven't read this attachment book but I blazed through mdlwly and it's good. I recognize some spartan qualities in myself but this anxious attachment has me stuck in the land of weak *****es. I almost don't want to read attachment as I feel like it'll undo a lot of my recent developments. I'll probably read it eventually down the line.
 
KammyGirl said:
And every time she seemed to get herself together he came round to ruin her all over again. I'm one of the people salty as hell that they ended up together. Lol
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Yup! And when she finally decided to go seek her own happiness...she ended up with another emotionally unavailable man (old russian guy). When she did have a secure man (Aidan)..she got scared. He was emotionally what she needed...but he didnt play games which was familiar to her and she bounced.

Im telling u....Im gonna watch this show with new eyes now. What i thought was romantic...is a hot mess lol
 
Dposh167 said:
Yup! And when she finally decided to go seek her own happiness...she ended up with another emotionally unavailable man (old russian guy). When she did have a secure man (Aidan)..she got scared. He was emotionally what she needed...but he didnt play games which was familiar to her and she bounced.

Im telling u....Im gonna watch this show with new eyes now. What i thought was romantic...is a hot mess lol
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:lol::lol::lol:
 
Dposh167 said:
U know what couple is the great example of an anxious woman and avoidant man......carrie and Mr. Big from sex and the city. I was watching an episode recently and it just dawned on me. Carrie is anxious and i never noticed it before. I used to think she just knew that she wante love and then went for it...but that poor woman was trapped in an avoidant's tangled web.
Click to expand...

OT: Remember I came to NY and a bunch of us saw the movie together? I actually just found that thread.

That was fun, I haven't been to NY in years.
 
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