Attachment Theory

I tested and received Secure. However, I know that this was only achievable through years of mental re-conditioning, creating diff thought patterns and learning not to assume responsibility for changes in others behaviors and learning not to take things so personally. Otherwise I would've tested positive for being anxious.


I'm still single but Thank God for growth.
 
I'm surprised, I would have sworn up and down that I was an avoidant.

Your attachment style is: Anxious
You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner's moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner's behaviors overly personally. As a result you tend to act out and say things you later regret. There's a way to reach greater happiness in your relationships though.
 
I'm listening to the book again. I like that the authors point out that none of the categories are pathological; it's just a matter of how effective they are at achieving your goal(s).

That's how I tend to think about feelings and people in general, which, I suppose is why I'm avoidant. I'm constantly consciously and subconsciously weighing whether something (or someone) is worth the effort or how much effort I'm willing to put forth. I can get out of situations in which I feel trapped, but if I can avoid them in the first place...

Several people have claimed that I, in fact, am a robot. 11001100001111...
 
i got anxious. Sounds about right.

I'm going to read the book. I was reading some blogs that talked about my attachment style and while I kinda like having this style of attachment....there are definitely some traits about it that are very sabotaging. I tend to play games and act out when i get any form of rejection, even when it's an "imagined" rejection. It's not a healthy way to act at all. I'm trying to fix that
 
I would have like to know the point scoring.

I got avoidant, but I don't feel I'm as avoidant as in the past. I hope I was in the mild catergory lol.
 
luving me said:
Took the quiz and got secure. The description fits me.
Click to expand...
Same. I enjoy being in a relationship and love my SO, but at the end of the day I know that I can and will move on without downing myself, going into depression etc. if anything goes awry. I've moved on before and I would kim again. I usually end up in relationships rather quickly, but I know that I would not absolutely die if I weren't in one either. :look:
 
Dposh167 said:
@luving me
@Froreal3

for those of you who scored "secure". Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with an avoidant ? If so, do you recall how you handed them?
Click to expand...
Yes, I didn't deal with the in and out, hot and cold so I give it a fair chance before moving on. I like to attract anxious men- clingy guys. Some how their clingyiness, makes me feel more secure in a weird way.
 
I'm extremely avoidant :lol:

Let me take the quiz.

I didn't expect to get secure. Maybe I'm a bit of both.

Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.
 
Dposh167 said:
@luving me
@Froreal3

for those of you who scored "secure". Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with an avoidant ? If so, do you recall how you handed them?
Click to expand...
I cut them loose. I have a lot of patience, but not for those who I feel are not into me. I feel like it's a waste of my time. I don't mind my SO needing freedom and alone time. In fact, I enjoy mine very much as well, but flakiness is not cool.
 
movingforward13 said:
Yes, I didn't deal with the in and out, hot and cold so I give it a fair chance before moving on. I like to attract anxious men- clingy guys. Some how their clingyiness, makes me feel more secure in a weird way.
Click to expand...
:lol: me too, but not annoyingly pathologically clingy to the point where I can't breathe. I love the attention and doting and I definitely reciprocate to make them feel secure too.
 
Us avoidants are simply emotionally unavailable. Its why we attract the clingys. They are our opposites and need from us what we dont want to/cant/are incapable of giving. The more we pull away the more desperate they become... until they cant do it anymore and break it off... and that can be yeaaaarrrs of thr merry-go-round if we let it.

Its also kinda kissing cousins to codependency if not outright so in some cases.

It takes a lot of work to break the cycle...
 
DarkJoy said:
Us avoidants are simply emotionally unavailable. Its why we attract the clingys. They are our opposites and need from us what we dont want to/cant/are incapable of giving. The more we pull away the more desperate they become... until they cant do it anymore and break it off... and that can be yeaaaarrrs of thr merry-go-round if we let it.

Its also kinda kissing cousins to codependency if not outright so in some cases.

It takes a lot of work to break the cycle...
Click to expand...
I think avoidant women hit guys harder because they're used to dealing with anxious women. So, at first, they think they've hit the jackpot until they realize we aren't joking and really have no (or very few) f's to give. Then they try harder and become needier and needier, which is a real turn off.

You're right about the cycle, though. In this new relationship, I'm trying to remain present and pay attention to my feelings and how I'm treating the other person. It's exhausting...
 
I prefer being this way. I recognize where it comes from --- parenting. I grew up with a mother who instilled in me that people are not to be trusted, they're messy, always want something from you, etc.

During and after my divorce, I went to therapy where I worked through some of that. Unfortunately, I have found that my mother was not totally off base...she just went overboard with it. I now recognize when that programming is at work and decide what to do from there.

I see people everyday who are stressed, upset and make poor decisions because of the feelings they've attached to a person or situation. Do I have feelings? Sure. I just choose not to wallow in them or make poor decisions based on them. If I'm sad, I cry (alone, at home where it's appropriate) and then I find a solution and move on.

So, I feel safer to an extent because I know I have the capacity to walk away from a situation that doesn't serve me regardless of what emotions are there. I just make sure to examine those feelings first to ensure I'm not just walking away solely out of fear.
 
DarkJoy said:
Us avoidants are simply emotionally unavailable. Its why we attract the clingys. They are our opposites and need from us what we dont want to/cant/are incapable of giving. The more we pull away the more desperate they become... until they cant do it anymore and break it off... and that can be yeaaaarrrs of thr merry-go-round if we let it.

Its also kinda kissing cousins to codependency if not outright so in some cases.

It takes a lot of work to break the cycle...
Click to expand...
quirkydimples said:
I prefer being this way. I recognize where it comes from --- parenting. I grew up with a mother who instilled in me that people are not to be trusted, they're messy, always want something from you, etc.

During and after my divorce, I went to therapy where I worked through some of that. Unfortunately, I have found that my mother was not totally off base...she just went overboard with it. I now recognize when that programming is at work and decide what to do from there.

I see people everyday who are stressed, upset and make poor decisions because of the feelings they've attached to a person or situation. Do I have feelings? Sure. I just choose not to wallow in them or make poor decisions based on them. If I'm sad, I cry (alone, at home where it's appropriate) and then I find a solution and move on.

So, I feel safer to an extent because I know I have the capacity to walk away from a situation that doesn't serve me regardless of what emotions are there. I just make sure to examine those feelings first to ensure I'm not just walking away solely out of fear.
Click to expand...

as an avoidant....what kind of man would be able to sustain your needs? but also allow you to keep your independence or space?
I'm just very curious in general after learning all about this. I just ended it with an avoidant, and I'm anxious. Even though i wasn't very clingy....i still left that situation very confused because he feared being trapped in something that he can't get out of. Do you feel the same way?
 
Dposh167 said:
as an avoidant....what kind of man would be able to sustain your needs? but also allow you to keep your independence or space?
I'm just very curious in general after learning all about this. I just ended it with an avoidant, and I'm anxious. Even though i wasn't very clingy....i still left that situation very confused because he feared being trapped in something that he can't get out of. Do you feel the same way?
Click to expand...
I'm wary of being trapped.

I think the person who can sustain my needs is one who doesn't feel threatened by my need for space. I'm affectionate, loyal, dependable, but when I need space...I need space. I also need to be with someone who isn't trying to hold me back from doing things that will better my life...just because they want to spend time with me. So, I think I need to be with someone who travels...a lot. :lachen::lachen::lachen:
 
DarkJoy said:
Us avoidants are simply emotionally unavailable. Its why we attract the clingys. They are our opposites and need from us what we dont want to/cant/are incapable of giving. The more we pull away the more desperate they become... until they cant do it anymore and break it off... and that can be yeaaaarrrs of thr merry-go-round if we let it.

Its also kinda kissing cousins to codependency if not outright so in some cases.

It takes a lot of work to break the cycle...
Click to expand...

The book says that Avoidants and the Anxious often attract each other because they reinforce their deep beliefs. Being with an Avoidant, proves to the Anxious that they are not good enough. Being with the Anxious proves to the Avoidant that they are wanted very badly, but that they can do better. The book tells you what to look out for in another person to keep yourself from getting into this bad relationship. It might not be obvious. You have to get to know a person, and listen to what they say. But the book also tells you what to do if you are already in this type of relationship.
 
As an avoidant I do like the idea of control, yes, but dont feel like I'm in control. and dont want to be in control.

Also THIS avoidant is extremely anxious inside! Diagnosed and errthang! :shrug:

In all honesty, i actually feel the pokes, aches and jabs of a relationship DEEPLY but the exterior is pure poker face. it's some kind of dissociation that ive been aware of since a teen. along with that is avoidance of all things that could make me feel anxious. its a protective mechanism.

It's not going away after over a decade of therapy off and on so I'd need a secure man who wont get clingy when the poker face, avoidant fear of smothering wall comes up and can weather the OUTWARD appearance of aloofness and understand that theres probably a storm raging inside.

Its a frustrating existence but created to keep me safe. Maladaptive now but...

Opening up (intimacy) helps but building that kinda trust can take...ages. because... well... i avoid it. :look:

hopeful said:
How does it feel to be avoidant? Do you feel in control? Is it frustrating to be this way? Or do avoidants prefer to be that way? I would imagine you feel safer than anxious people feel.
Click to expand...
Dposh167 said:
as an avoidant....what kind of man would be able to sustain your needs? but also allow you to keep your independence or space?
I'm just very curious in general after learning all about this. I just ended it with an avoidant, and I'm anxious. Even though i wasn't very clingy....i still left that situation very confused because he feared being trapped in something that he can't get out of. Do you feel the same way?
Click to expand...
 
Ipanema said:
The book says that Avoidants and the Anxious often attract each other because they reinforce their deep beliefs. Being with an Avoidant, proves to the Anxious that they are not good enough. Being with the Anxious proves to the Avoidant that they are wanted very badly, but that they can do better. The book tells you what to look out for in another person to keep yourself from getting into this bad relationship. It might not be obvious. You have to get to know a person, and listen to what they say. But the book also tells you what to do if you are already in this type of relationship.
Click to expand...
Thats sort of right but a very shallow explanation of whats going on. its really surface.
 
I'm avoidant which I knew before taking the quiz. Interestingly, the one man who did me in and under in all of my relationship history was also avoidant...and once he finally was ready to commit I gave him the deuces..smh.

I always get men who are like "I love you" super quickly and are too clingy (when in actuality they probably have just been normal functioning men lol) which turns me off of them. It seems once a man wants to be serious and commit, which with the clingies are quickly, I run or sabotage.

I've taken a relationship hiatus because I want to stop this Push-pull avoidance. I think that everyone can become securely attached though with proper reflection and active change.
 
hopeful said:
How does it feel to be avoidant? Do you feel in control? Is it frustrating to be this way? Or do avoidants prefer to be that way? I would imagine you feel safer than anxious people feel.
Click to expand...

I would say I feel safer. I can go long stretches of being single (as in years) and not get worked up about it. And while rejection does hurt, I can bounce back pretty easily once I cry (at home, alone).

Part of my avoidant tendencies come from childhood (parents could never stop arguing and having to mediate, being told to not trust anyone but yourself, plus being excluded occasionally from social groups due to being a nerd) and part of it comes from being a introvert who needs recharge time and personal space. I think I fall along the lines of fearful-avoidant (there are actually four types: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant). However, I took a test (can't find it, but will post once I do) that said I was dismissive-avoidant.

Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults


quirkydimples said:
I'm wary of being trapped.

I think the person who can sustain my needs is one who doesn't feel threatened by my need for space. I'm affectionate, loyal, dependable, but when I need space...I need space. I also need to be with someone who isn't trying to hold me back from doing things that will better my life...just because they want to spend time with me. So, I think I need to be with someone who travels...a lot. :lachen::lachen::lachen:
Click to expand...

You took the words out of my mouth with the bolded. While I do realize there are aspects of my avoidant personality I do need to work on (anything that stems from my childhood), the avoidant tendencies due to my introversion is something the right guy for me will have to understand. I think my biggest fear is losing myself in the relationship due to not having enough me time and space. So I think the man who could be a good fit would be an introvert (or ambivert) himself because he'll understand.
 
Neomorph said:
I can go long stretches of being single (as in years) and not get worked up about it. And while rejection does hurt, I can bounce back pretty easily once I cry (at home, alone).


While I do realize there are aspects of my avoidant personality I do need to work on (anything that stems from my childhood), the avoidant tendencies due to my introversion is something the right guy for me will have to understand. I think my biggest fear is losing myself in the relationship due to not having enough me time and space. So I think the man who could be a good fit would be an introvert (or ambivert) himself because he'll understand.
Click to expand...

All of this. :goodpost:
 
I may have to read the book b/c I think I am both avoidant and anxious.

Like I'm avoidant outside of relationships (which is how I can be single as another poster noted) but anxious inside. I think that being anxious fuels my avoidance outside.
 
idk. i personally dont feel unlovable. ive had a decade of deep therapy and that's never been of issue. my inner self/child is so deserving of love but not of pain. what is of issue is an overwhelming need to protect myself from additional hurts, perhaps even at the cost of not allowing closeness enough to receive it fully.

hopeful said:
Some of the reviews said the book was good but didn't go deep enough. Deep down I believe both feel unlovable.
Click to expand...
 
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