Attachment Theory

[Froreal3]

About anxious attachment: "While this style is very perceptive, they also have a tendency to jump to conclusions or catastrophize situations if they do not have their spidey sense under control. For example, they may take a situation where their partner isn’t returning their text messages, which is an uncharacteristic behaviour, and jump to conclusions that there is something wrong, their partner is mad, is with someone else…"

From this article: http://the-love-compass.com/2014/02...s-of-the-anxiouspreoccupied-attachment-style/


This is so true. I totally get it now. I see my SO in all of this. I think I like the anxious better than the avoidants though (I've been with both) because the anxious at least relish me with love and dote on me. I can't seem to find much more info on secure people though.

For the anxious ladies: What are your protest behaviors and how can we get them to stop? My SO is definitely withdrawing. *sigh* I've learned what gets him out of the funk though. What gets you out of the protest behavior quickly?

• Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: Excessive texting, calling, messaging etc.
• Withdrawing: Ignoring, not taking calls, etc.
• Keeping score: Waiting to see how long it takes for them to call you back and waiting the same amount of time before returning their call, waiting for them to apologize, etc.
• Acting hostile: Eye rolling, walking away, leaving room
• Threatening to leave: Making comments that you can’t do this anymore and that your better off without the person in hopes that they will convince you to stay
• Manipulations: Saying you have plans when you don’t, not answering calls, playing games
• Making him/her feel jealous: Making plans with an ex, talking about your attractive coworker, texting friends of the opposite sex, etc.

 

[LdyKamz]

About anxious attachment: "While this style is very perceptive, they also have a tendency to jump to conclusions or catastrophize situations if they do not have their spidey sense under control. For example, they may take a situation where their partner isn’t returning their text messages, which is an uncharacteristic behaviour, and jump to conclusions that there is something wrong, their partner is mad, is with someone else…"

From this article: http://the-love-compass.com/2014/02...s-of-the-anxiouspreoccupied-attachment-style/


This is so true. I totally get it now. I see my SO in all of this. I think I like the anxious better than the avoidants though (I've been with both) because the anxious at least relish me with love and dote on me. I can't seem to find much more info on secure people though.

For the anxious ladies: What are your protest behaviors and how can we get them to stop? My SO is definitely withdrawing. *sigh* I've learned what gets him out of the funk though. What gets you out of the protest behavior quickly?

• Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: Excessive texting, calling, messaging etc.
• Withdrawing: Ignoring, not taking calls, etc.
• Keeping score: Waiting to see how long it takes for them to call you back and waiting the same amount of time before returning their call, waiting for them to apologize, etc.
• Acting hostile: Eye rolling, walking away, leaving room
• Threatening to leave: Making comments that you can’t do this anymore and that your better off without the person in hopes that they will convince you to stay
• Manipulations: Saying you have plans when you don’t, not answering calls, playing games
• Making him/her feel jealous: Making plans with an ex, talking about your attractive coworker, texting friends of the opposite sex, etc.

Ugh! Is that the protest behavior list? I've done every single thing on it and felt stuuuuupid after. I feel like withdrawing is the safest and -however silly this may sound- the smartest protest behavior. It doesn't make me seem as mental. I'll pretend I have a life (even though I actually do have a life and shouldn't have to pretend lol) and I was doing something or that I don't care the same way I *think* the other person doesn't care. How embarrassing. Lol

 

[caribeandiva]

Expand on that "wow," 'cause I'm like "wow" too. I'm being enlightened here. I like this exchange and I'm actually glad I read the book despite the fact that I think it could have gone deeper. It gives me more insight into SO and even past relationships.

I've never been an anxious attacher so that mindset is really foreign to me. I assumed that everyone valued their independence above all else like I did. I realize now that most of my exes were anxious attachers. They were just trying to get closer to me by acting what I deemed "needy, obsessive and controlling". Just because I'm good with not keeping in touch every other hour doesn't mean everyone is wired that way. It didn't make sense to me. Of course I just pulled away further and they responded with protest behavior such as retaliation (doing the same thing to me but for much longer), trying to make each other jealous and the silent treatment. This dynamic is probably what destroyed my last relationship. I can see it so clearly now! It basically boils down to better communication. Thank goodness for growth!

 

[MzLady78]

Excessive attempts at reetablishing contact is the one I do the most.

Ugh, for shame.

 

[Dposh167]

• Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: Excessive texting, calling, messaging etc.

• Withdrawing: Ignoring, not taking calls, etc.

• Keeping score: Waiting to see how long it takes for them to call you back and waiting the same amount of time before returning their call, waiting for them to apologize, etc.

• Acting hostile: Eye rolling, walking away, leaving room

• Threatening to leave: Making comments that you can’t do this anymore and that your better off without the person in hopes that they will convince you to stay

• Manipulations: Saying you have plans when you don’t, not answering calls, playing games

• Making him/her feel jealous: Making plans with an ex, talking about your attractive coworker, texting friends of the opposite sex, etc.

Oh dear heavens...i have done every single thing on this list.. Sometimes I would make things up like i had plans to go out with some friends even when i didn't ...because I just wanted him to feel jealous that I was going out. Probably to get back at him for him having a life and maybe he didn't call me that day...or didn't text me back. I'm also one to utter threatening words like "I don't know if I can do this anymore". Even if I really do want to be with him. It's my way of getting him to fight for us. Like a "push and pull" routine mentally happening in my own head.

For the anxious ladies: What are your protest behaviors and how can we get them to stop? My SO is definitely withdrawing. *sigh* I've learned what gets him out of the funk though. What gets you out of the protest behavior quickly?

Anxious people like us seem to like a lot of reassurance. Our minds tend to drift in fantasy land sometimes. If one of my SO's went out with friends and he said he was going to call me before he went and he didn't. My mind would go so far left. I would start thinking things like:
-is he really with his friends?
-why didn't he call me?
-maybe because he is really with another girl.
-if he cared...he would've called me like he said. How could he forget about me like that.

I feel like the above anxious questions happen a lot more for me when a relationship is new, or when I'm with a man who has done a lot of shady things early on which triggers these feelings more. When I was in a relationship with a secure man I don't recall feeling like that too often. He would call me when he was at the party...or if he forgot, he would shoot me a text in the morning apologizing and explain why he couldn't before I went on my rampage. LOL. It's mainly just wanting our SO to be aware of our feelings.

eta: Just to add..this is EXACTLY why I've been doing so much self healing and reflection because I feel like some of these anxious actions are self sabotaging. I can accept that I'm anxious and probably will never change from that. But I can definitely start tweaking some sabotaging responses I have to triggers. I've been learning to really have my "own" life outside of a relationship which I didn't before. When i have my own things going on...i don't get too anxious about what my SO is doing.

 

[MzLady78]

I've been learning to really have my "own" life outside of a relationship which I didn't before.

I can relate to most of your post but this stuck out to me.

This is definitely something I need to work on. I always end up dealing with guys who have way more going on than I do (usually in the form of kids or multiple jobs) or are just more of a social butterfly than I am.

 

[Froreal3]

I've never been an anxious attacher so that mindset is really foreign to me. I assumed that everyone valued their independence above all else like I did. I realize now that most of my exes were anxious attachers. They were just trying to get closer to me by acting what I deemed "needy, obsessive and controlling". Just because I'm good with not keeping in touch every other hour doesn't mean everyone is wired that way. It didn't make sense to me. Of course I just pulled away further and they responded with protest behavior such as retaliation (doing the same thing to me but for much longer), trying to make each other jealous and the silent treatment. This dynamic is probably what destroyed my last relationship. I can see it so clearly now! It basically boils down to better communication. Thank goodness for growth!

I don't usually speak about SO on this forum because it is public regardless of some precautions we may take. However, I feel like this convo is helping me. I spoke further with him today and we discussed a recent change in my routine (getting more interested in different make up) and spending 30 minutes in the bathroom putting it on. I used to do my eyebrows, eye liner, mascara, lips in the car, so he would never really see me do this. I've since gone back to my old routine. But during the time when I switched my routine, he thought I may have been trying to look extra cute for some guy at work.

I had to reassure him that that wasn't the case and remind him that I wasn't completely bare faced even when he first met me. He said that he likes how I look completely bare faced (I'm talking not even eyebrows done yall). I was like, "Thanks babe, but when I step out the house, you know that's not gonna happen. I'mma at least do my eyebrows." He explained that he didn't think I was cheating, but maybe was trying to look cute for some other guy. I was like, "So, the worst case scenario pops up into your head because I change up the routine a bit?" He blamed it on being an Aquarius and that it didn't seem like a small change in routine to him. He said that as he's gotten older and better at relationships, he is now able to communicate these feelings. Before he wouldn't tell the person and just stew in bitterness. I reassured him, we laughed about it and kim. I thought that thought process was so strange to me, but I'm glad we addressed it.

 

[MzLady78]

^^^ Interesting. I'm an Aquarius as well.

 

[Froreal3]

Ugh! Is that the protest behavior list? I've done every single thing on it and felt stuuuuupid after. I feel like withdrawing is the safest and -however silly this may sound- the smartest protest behavior. It doesn't make me seem as mental. I'll pretend I have a life (even though I actually do have a life and shouldn't have to pretend lol) and I was doing something or that I don't care the same way I *think* the other person doesn't care. How embarrassing. Lol

Oh dear heavens...i have done every single thing on this list.. Sometimes I would make things up like i had plans to go out with some friends even when i didn't ...because I just wanted him to feel jealous that I was going out. Probably to get back at him for him having a life and maybe he didn't call me that day...or didn't text me back. I'm also one to utter threatening words like "I don't know if I can do this anymore". Even if I really do want to be with him. It's my way of getting him to fight for us. Like a "push and pull" routine mentally happening in my own head.


Anxious people like us seem to like a lot of reassurance. Our minds tend to drift in fantasy land sometimes. If one of my SO's went out with friends and he said he was going to call me before he went and he didn't. My mind would go so far left. I would start thinking things like:
-is he really with his friends?
-why didn't he call me?
-maybe because he is really with another girl.
-if he cared...he would've called me like he said. How could he forget about me like that.

I feel like the above anxious questions happen a lot more for me when a relationship is new, or when I'm with a man who has done a lot of shady things early on which triggers these feelings more. When I was in a relationship with a secure man I don't recall feeling like that too often. He would call me when he was at the party...or if he forgot, he would shoot me a text in the morning apologizing and explain why he couldn't before I went on my rampage. LOL. It's mainly just wanting our SO to be aware of our feelings.

eta: Just to add..this is EXACTLY why I've been doing so much self healing and reflection because I feel like some of these anxious actions are self sabotaging. I can accept that I'm anxious and probably will never change from that. But I can definitely start tweaking some sabotaging responses I have to triggers. I've been learning to really have my "own" life outside of a relationship which I didn't before. When i have my own things going on...i don't get too anxious about what my SO is doing.

Thank you so much for this. It's really eye opening. Sometimes honestly, even as a secure person it can be draining. However, now that we're going strong a little over two years, things aren't like this anymore. And honestly, it's not very often at all that he's like this, so I'm ok. It's just that when it does happen I don't understand it because my mind is so far from thinking his/you ladies' way.

 

[Froreal3]

^^^ Interesting. I'm an Aquarius as well.

Interesting...

 

[sgold04]

@Froreal3 @MzLady78 I'm a Leo and I'm anxious

I wish I came across this book a decade ago. I'm paying more attention to the comments men make to look out for those avoidant types. And I also FINALLY released myself of this longing for the last man I really loved. He was avoidant to a T. I took his walking away as a sign that I wasn't good enough and there was something wrong with me, that I somehow pushed him away. But that's just who he is.

 

[MzLady78]

@Froreal3 @MzLady78 I'm a Leo and I'm anxious

I wish I came across this book a decade ago. I'm paying more attention to the comments men make to look out for those avoidant types. And I also FINALLY released myself of this longing for the last man I really loved. He was avoidant to a T. I took his walking away as a sign that I wasn't good enough and there was something wrong with me, that I somehow pushed him away. But that's just who he is.

That's what I had to finally accept about my last dude. Yeah, maybe I exhibited some anxious tendencies, and my protests behaviors probably annoyed him. But ultimately, the result probably would have been the same. He is an avoidant of the highest degree, and incapable of giving 100% of himself to anyone, or letting anyone 100% in. Hell, even his kids' mother couldn't get a commmitment out of him, I didn't stand a chance.

 

[caribeandiva]

I don't usually speak about SO on this forum because it is public regardless of some precautions we may take. However, I feel like this convo is helping me. I spoke further with him today and we discussed a recent change in my routine (getting more interested in different make up) and spending 30 minutes in the bathroom putting it on. I used to do my eyebrows, eye liner, mascara, lips in the car, so he would never really see me do this. I've since gone back to my old routine. But during the time when I switched my routine, he thought I may have been trying to look extra cute for some guy at work.

I had to reassure him that that wasn't the case and remind him that I wasn't completely bare faced even when he first met me. He said that he likes how I look completely bare faced (I'm talking not even eyebrows done yall). I was like, "Thanks babe, but when I step out the house, you know that's not gonna happen. I'mma at least do my eyebrows." He explained that he didn't think I was cheating, but maybe was trying to look cute for some other guy. I was like, "So, the worst case scenario pops up into your head because I change up the routine a bit?" He blamed it on being an Aquarius and that it didn't seem like a small change in routine to him. He said that as he's gotten older and better at relationships, he is now able to communicate these feelings. Before he wouldn't tell the person and just stew in bitterness. I reassured him, we laughed about it and kim. I thought that thought process was so strange to me, but I'm glad we addressed it.

Amazing! Such a small change for you meant something huge to him! I'm glad you two discussed it and he was able to verbalize his feelings. Communication really is everything. The old me wouldn't have understood WHY he'd react like that but now I get it. This book has taught me to be less self-centered and to really do my best to understand HIS point of view. Protest behavior is really their way of getting your attention cuz they care about you a lot! I have a spot for anxious folks. I admire their ability to open themselves up to be vulnerable like that. That takes courage.

 

[Froreal3]

Amazing! Such a small change for you meant something huge to him! I'm glad you two discussed it and he was able to verbalize his feelings. Communication really is everything. The old me wouldn't have understood WHY he'd react like that but now I get it. This book has taught me to be less self-centered and to really do my best to understand HIS point of view. Protest behavior is really their way of getting your attention cuz they care about you a lot! I have a spot for anxious folks. I admire their ability to open themselves up to be vulnerable like that. That takes courage.

I totally agree. I feel much better understanding him. He communicates well for someone who wasn't used to doing so. As a secure, communication isn't that hard. My ex H was an avoidant. Good guy, but too wishy washy in providing for my emotional needs. Toward the end of the 12 years he was very at a loss as to why he loved me but wasn't showing it and to him he felt he wasn't "in love"

 

[DST1913]

In romantic relationships I'm secure. In all other relationships-- family, friends, co-workers-- I tend to be avoidant. I wonder why that is...

Oh man this is me. My family asked my SO how he deals with me being some-timey, distant and non affectionate. He was like "huh? What do you mean? She's not like that at all" If you figure it out let me know.

 

[caribeandiva]

In romantic relationships I'm secure. In all other relationships-- family, friends, co-workers-- I tend to be avoidant. I wonder why that is...

For me it was the opposite. I was secure in all of my relationships but avoidant with boyfriends.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Bumping.

I had a free credit on Audible and decided to get this book I'm excited to dive in. I took this quiz a while ago and got secure which is nothing more than grace and months of self-development work! I'm pretty sure I used to be heavily avoidant and I think in the right setting, it could come out again (like someone else said--these are probably fluid states to an extent).

My question: if you come across avoidants in work or social activities and think they are good people and worth getting to know on a platonic level, how do you accomplish that? Are you the initiator? At what point do you stop trying?

 

[movingforward]

I got secure. Probably has to do with my age. I'm at a point n my life, that I have expectations from a relationship (as should he) and we work together to meet and communicate those expectations.

 

[caribeandiva]

Bumping.

I had a free credit on Audible and decided to get this book I'm excited to dive in. I took this quiz a while ago and got secure which is nothing more than grace and months of self-development work! I'm pretty sure I used to be heavily avoidant and I think in the right setting, it could come out again (like someone else said--these are probably fluid states to an extent).

My question: if you come across avoidants in work or social activities and think they are good people and worth getting to know on a platonic level, how do you accomplish that? Are you the initiator? At what point do you stop trying?

Thanks for bumping this thread. I’ve really been thinking about this book lately. Dunno why. As for how to get to know avoidants better? Good luck with that. They pride themselves in keeping things at surface level and not letting anyone get too close to them or else they could become too attached and lose their freedom. It’s doable but prepare to invest a great deal of time, energy and patience into getting to know them. The real them anyway. Don’t come on too strong and you should be fine.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Thanks for bumping this thread. I’ve really been thinking about this book lately. Dunno why. As for how to get to know avoidants better? Good luck with that. They pride themselves in keeping things at surface level and not letting anyone get too close to them or else they could become too attached and lose their freedom. It’s doable but prepare to invest a great deal of time, energy and patience into getting to know them. The real them anyway. Don’t come on too strong and you should be fine.

I agree. My common sense says these folks will disappoint you every time. Clearly a person can become more secure because I've done it, but I think they have to want badly enough to change. You can't change a person and you would need the lifespan of Methuselah to wait on them.

I found this article but I'm not sure I buy it https://thoughtcatalog.com/elizabet...will-actually-lead-to-a-forever-relationship/

 

[caribeandiva]

I agree. My common sense says these folks will disappoint you every time. Clearly a person can become more secure because I've done it, but I think they have to want badly enough to change. You can't change a person and you would need the lifespan of Methuselah to wait on them.

I found this article but I'm not sure I buy it https://thoughtcatalog.com/elizabet...will-actually-lead-to-a-forever-relationship/

I don’t buy it either. “They value emotional closeness over physical intimacy”? No. No they don’t. Same for the “they know their weaknesses and handle criticism well”.

 

[momi]

Anxious? Ouch.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Anxious? Ouch.

Is that what you scored on the quiz?

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I don’t buy it either. “They value emotional closeness over physical intimacy”? No. No they don’t. Same for the “they know their weaknesses and handle criticism well”.

Yeah, the article didn't make a bit of sense. This whole attachment theory will probably help me to understand that subset of folks who don't appear to be shy or introverted...I just thought they were stank Now I understand that they are wired to avoid people. Their "fight or flight" response kicks in and when they are around people who try to get too close. I can't wait to dive into this audible (after I finish Power of Vulnerability).

 

[luckiestdestiny]

My results are pretty much as I predicted anyways:
Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.

 

[momi]

Is that what you scored on the quiz?

Yes. Even though I suspected as much the results still make me feel like I'm weak.

DH and I have been together for a long while. I'd say he is a "secure" but could venture over into avoidance if allowed to. Unfortunately those have always been the type of guys I'm attracted to for some reason. Alpha Avoiders. Lol I will say that once you win the heart of an avoider they are yours.

What I've found for our relationship is that I have to pretend to be a "secure" to get what I need from him. It's a game I'm kind of tired of playing but it works best for me. It's no point in threatening to leave because I would just end up with another Avoider.

This thread has been really helpful.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Yes. Even though I suspected as much the results still make me feel like I'm weak.

DH and I have been together for a long while. I'd say he is a "secure" but could venture over into avoidance if allowed to. Unfortunately those have always been the type of guys I'm attracted to for some reason. Alpha Avoiders. Lol I will say that once you win the heart of an avoider they are yours.

What I've found for our relationship is that I have to pretend to be a "secure" to get what I need from him. It's a game I'm kind of tired of playing but it works best for me. It's no point in threatening to leave because I would just end up with another Avoider.

This thread has been really helpful.

Wow, that's very insightful. Thank you for sharing.
Do you think that you could get to a place where a more secure attachment style was true for you so you don't feel that you have to pretend?

 

[momi]

Wow, that's very insightful. Thank you for sharing.
Do you think that you could get to a place where a more secure attachment style was true for you so you don't feel that you have to pretend?

I'd like to think so... but I'm not overly optimistic. Maybe one day I'll let down my guard, throw caution to the wind and see what happens.

 

[LivingDoll]

Ok, so I've researched this topic before but I can't seem to find an answer to a question that I have. Is it possible for people's attachment style to change depending on the person that they are romantically involved with? I can think back on a few relationships that I've had in life, and I swear I was different in all of them. It's almost like I became the opposite of the person I was with. It depended on situations and it also depended on how much I liked the person. I can remember being anxious in a relationship with a guy that was avoidant (the love of my life; I just couldn't pin him down good )...I've felt like I was secure in a relationship with an avoidant (I knew he was into me as much as I was into him, so I didn't worry), and I've been avoidant with an anxious clingy dude (my last relationship...he liked me way more than I liked him). So, it is possible to change according to the person/situation you're in?

 

[LdyKamz]

Alain de Botton did a couple videos on attachment theory for anyone interested.