Anyone Dating/Previously Dated a Man with Kids

[msbettyboop]

My friend just met a wonderful man who seems to care about her very much but he has 2 children from a previous marriage and she's a little scared about how to handle this. For ladies who have been in this situation, how has it been for you dealing with it? Apparently, the kids stay with their mum who has since remarried.

 

[anon123]

I did. The relationship was long, but not very serious. For me, I'd not want to do it again. I know it sounds cold, but I felt nothing for that child. I'm not sure I can feel much for children who aren't related to me. And that would be a big missing a piece of relationship, to not really care about that man's child, no?

If your friend is thinking of getting married, I'd discourage it even further. Unless your friend is very different from me. It's money, time, emotional investment that will be spent on a child that is not hers. Man, I feel so cold-hearted typing that, but that's how I feel.

 

[Renewed1]

Harsh yes, but its the truth.

If a woman can't accept his children "LIKE" her own; then she shouldn't date men with kids.

I'm open to it (no more than 2 kids; depending on his age and other factors); but I have friends who've dated guy or married guys with kids. So I have a support group on what to expect.

ALL of my friends state that the kids weren't the problem; because kids will be kids. But they all agree that its the MOTHERS that are usually the problem.

I did. The relationship was long, but not very serious. For me, I'd not want to do it again. I know it sounds cold, but I felt nothing for that child. I'm not sure I can feel much for children who aren't related to me. And that would be a big missing a piece of relationship, to not really care about that man's child, no?

If your friend is thinking of getting married, I'd discourage it even further. Unless your friend is very different from me. It's money, time, emotional investment that will be spent on a child that is not hers. Man, I feel so cold-hearted typing that, but that's how I feel.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I dated a few men with kids. One had physical custody of his young son so we typically went out on weekends or I saw him after 8:30 p.m. duing the week (bedtime for his son). After we dated for a while, I met his son and it was fine. We broke up because I moved out of state.

I dated a man with a daughter but she lived a few states away. I met her one summer (she was about 12) and it was fine. She stayed for a few weeks and was back with her mom. We broke up for other reasons.

I married a man with a child. When we met he and his ex had joint custody.

If your friend is the type that wants to spend every free moment with her SO, then a man with a child is not for her since he will be with his child(ren) at least on weekends if not more often depending on where they live in proximity to him. And if he is NOT spending time with his kids, she should be even more concerned.

I have tons of things to do outside of DH (work, side hustles, family, friends) so it works out well for us to have DH spend weekends/evenings with his son.

If the kids are young (toddlers), it may be easier since older kids tend to voice their opinion about the new girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

[Renewed1]

My friend just met a wonderful man who seems to care about her very much but he has 2 children from a previous marriage and she's a little scared about how to handle this. For ladies who have been in this situation, how has it been for you dealing with it? Apparently, the kids stay with their mum who has since remarried.

Your friend have it pretty easy if the kids are with the mom AND the mom is remarried. My friends (I have no experience with this) pretty much told me things are easier to deal with regarding the mother; if she is already dating or married. For some reason, some "baby-mommas" (no offense to anyone; couldn't think of another way to say it just now) tend to get a little jealous when the "baby-daddies" are dating or married.

Some suggestions I was given was to listen carefully when he talks about his kids and their mother. ESPECIALLY when he's aggrevate with the mother; you'll learn the type of relationship he has with her. Casually find out if he's paying child support or if they have a payment arrangement....and how much he pays. Does he drop a load of money every time the mother says the kids need something (and they really don't). Watch to see if the man has guilt issues for not being there with his kids; because it could cause him to spend even MORE money that he doesn't have....because of his guilt complex. If the mother is married, find out if her NEW husband love the kids like his own; or does he dump the entire financially responsibilites on YOUR man. Etc.

 

[msbettyboop]

Thank you all for your responses. I conveyed them to her. She said the kids are 10 and 13 and the 10 year old, a girl likes her already even though they haven’t met (the guy has told both of them about her). The 13 year old is a boy and a teenager and we all know how teenagers are. She’s actually more scared of the 13 year old situation. He gets along with his wife for the children’s sake but he doesn’t trust her. However he loves his children very much, pays child support on time and though he isn’t there all the time he tries to stay in touch with them as often as he can. He actually sensed her uneasiness and assured her that it would be ok and his ex-wife wouldn’t try to be a witch or anything but she’s still scared anyway. I mean, you’re 31, never been married and don’t have kids and then you suddenly inherit 2. She loves him and he loves her but she just wants to be sure of the pros and cons before committing herself to him totally.

 

[Bunny77]

Thank you all for your responses. I conveyed them to her. She said the kids are 10 and 13 and the 10 year old, a girl likes her already even though they haven’t met (the guy has told both of them about her). The 13 year old is a boy and a teenager and we all know how teenagers are. She’s actually more scared of the 13 year old situation. He gets along with his wife for the children’s sake but he doesn’t trust her. However he loves his children very much, pays child support on time and though he isn’t there all the time he tries to stay in touch with them as often as he can. He actually sensed her uneasiness and assured her that it would be ok and his ex-wife wouldn’t try to be a witch or anything but she’s still scared anyway. I mean, you’re 31, never been married and don’t have kids and then you suddenly inherit 2. She loves him and he loves her but she just wants to be sure of the pros and cons before committing herself to him totally.

Wait, you said they just met, but they're already talking about how much they love each other? Can they really know this if they've just met?

 

[msbettyboop]

Wait, you said they just met, but they're already talking about how much they love each other? Can they really know this if they've just met?

They've been together 6 months actually. I guess to me that's more or less just met. 6 months doesn't seem long enough to me but people are different I guess.

 

[Bunny77]

They've been together 6 months actually. I guess to me that's more or less just met. 6 months doesn't seem long enough to me but people are different I guess.

Okay, that make sense! I was thinking, like, 6 weeks or something.

I wish her the best. Dating men with kids isn't for me, but it could work for someone else, and I hope it does with her!

 

[DarkAngell]

I dated several men in the past with kids. It always just became a headache. EVEN with the kids being primarily with the mother. Of course it was nothing against them . "Most" of them were great kids and I was 100% accepting of them but there was always just too much drama between him and the kids' mother (ugh....i have about 100 horror stories). It came to the point where I just decided that men with kids were not for me. Luckily my FH has none.

 

[Bronxcutie]

I am dating a man that has full custody of his two sons. The kids' mother is not in the picture. The kids are great and I admit he does his best to balance his time between his family and me. We were supposed to go to a lounge for NYE's celebration, but the sitter backed out last minute. Now I was going to go anyway since my cousin would be there, but after discussing it with my friends who have children and after hearing how hurt he would be if I went without him, I spent NYE with him and the kids.

 

[Highly Favored8]

Yes, I did previously and one of the baby mama's brought a whole lot of drama. He has 1 child with his baby mama.

 

[Renewed1]

^^^I wonder why the mother's cause so much drama!!! Never understood it; when the father is doing his part, while act stupid?

Oh well.

 

[MzLady78]

When I was 21, my bf had a 13 y/o daughter. He despised his ex wife but because his daughter was older, he didn't have to deal with her a whole lot. So that situation was pretty drama free.

The guy I'm seeing now has a 4 y/o. Fortunately, he gets along really well with his son's mother. I mentioned in a thread that he actually picks his son AND her daughter up from school everyday. So there's no drama, but because he's a very involved father and has a crazy schedule to begin with, his time is very limited. This is going to be extremely problematic now because I'm going back to work. He also doesn't want anymore children (he's almost 44) so this is also an issue.

If I can help it, and that's a very big IF, this will be the last time I date a man with a child. I don't require a lot, but I'm big on quality time and am not happy when I don't get it.

 

[Aniyasmommy]

Dating a man with kids is almost always guaranteed drama. I have kids myself and I turn down guys because they have kids. I just dont want to deal with the kid's mother .

 

[Aniyasmommy]

I dont understand how some women can date a man who has kids and have no problem with the fact that he doesnt spend ANY time with that child/children. My ex has not seen our children in two years and he is with a female who knows he has these kids out here and has no problem with it. We live less than a mile from them. He just doesnt want a relationship. How cold blooded can you be? Even when I did not have kids a deadbeat dad was a turn off .

 

[MizzBrown]

Did it in the past and don't intend to do it again. I have actually turned down someone b/c he said he had a child. "Hey, how ya doing, nice to meet you, do you have any children? You said yes?...no thanks! Nice meeting you!"..... Just got sick and tired of dealing with it.

Many reasons why including I don't intend to be THIRD in my husband's life after his child and the child's mother. Too selfish. Don't want to deal with me being the newbie when I get pregnant and he already knows what to do or acts differently b/c its not his first child. Don't feel like dealing with the child's mother. Don't feel like doing the extras...going out of my way to make the child comfortable. Just dont feel like it.

I feel like I already went through enough of that and just had no interest in getting to know a couple of the kids. When you reach that point, then you need to leave the relationship anyway.

I've only met a couple of kids anyway. Not my choice, they just were there when i showed up and another ex just brought him to my job. That's when it hits you that you got to deal with BOTH of them. Forever. Reality sets in.

 

[DarkAngell]

I dont understand how some women can date a man who has kids and have no problem with the fact that he doesnt spend ANY time with that child/children. My ex has not seen our children in two years and he is with a female who knows he has these kids out here and has no problem with it. We live less than a mile from them. He just doesnt want a relationship. How cold blooded can you be? Even when I did not have kids a deadbeat dad was a turn off .

I dated a man like this. He was such a dead beat dad. I always pushed him to see his son. He used to lie to me when he made plans with me. He'd tell me he couldnt get his son this weekend and all kinds of excuses then I would find out later that he just didnt feel like picking up his son.

One year he lost his job. I was pulling in good money at the time so i gave him money every weekend to take his son out ( if nothing else....i knew he'd need help with this). He lived in ny so i gave enough to take him somewhere fun and enough money for traveling around the city for subways and all that. One day after a few months he was in the shower and his phone rang. I saw that it was his son's mom so i answered. She asked me if i can please talk to him about seeing his son. I told her that he was unemployed and that I was helping him out to be able to see his son but money was alittle tight in the past week (she was a nice person and was usually understanding of that type of situation). WELL....she tells me yea but he hasn't seen him in a while. I asked her what she was talking about and that i had been helping him all summer to see him. Her response??? "He hasn't come to see his son since early this year".

I grilled him when he came out of the shower to find out where the money was going only to find out that instead of seeing his son on weekends, it was going towards partying, clubbing, and drinking with his "boys" every weekend.

Can you imagine??? In case you're wondering. We weren't living together. So to give him his time with his son, I would see him on friday afternoon and then wouldnt see him again until maybe tuesday or so which made it easy for him to get away with it.

He would make up all kinds of lies too about things him and his son were doing and how much fun they had over the weekend and EVERYTHING!!!!!! inocchio

whew.....that was a tough day. It took everything in me not to knock him the F*** out.

 

[Aniyasmommy]

I dated a man like this. He was such a dead beat dad. I always pushed him to see his son. He used to lie to me when he made plans with me. He'd tell me he couldnt get his son this weekend and all kinds of excuses then I would find out later that he just didnt feel like picking up his son.

One year he lost his job. I was pulling in good money at the time so i gave him money every weekend to take his son out ( if nothing else....i knew he'd need help with this). He lived in ny so i gave enough to take him somewhere fun and enough money for traveling around the city for subways and all that. One day after a few months he was in the shower and his phone rang. I saw that it was his son's mom so i answered. She asked me if i can please talk to him about seeing his son. I told her that he was unemployed and that I was helping him out to be able to see his son but money was alittle tight in the past week (she was a nice person and was usually understanding of that type of situation). WELL....she tells me yea but he hasn't seen him in a while. I asked her what she was talking about and that i had been helping him all summer to see him. Her response??? "He hasn't come to see his son since early this year".

I grilled him when he came out of the shower to find out where the money was going only to find out that instead of seeing his son on weekends, it was going towards partying, clubbing, and drinking with his "boys" every weekend.

Can you imagine??? In case you're wondering. We weren't living together. So to give him his time with his son, I would see him on friday afternoon and then wouldnt see him again until maybe tuesday or so which made it easy for him to get away with it.

He would make up all kinds of lies too about things him and his son were doing and how much fun they had over the weekend and EVERYTHING!!!!!! inocchio

whew.....that was a tough day. It took everything in me not to knock him the F*** out.

OMG Im getting mad just reading this . How lowdown can you be ?! You did the right thing in trying to get him to be with his son . I hope the mother has moved on and accepted the fact that her child's father aint ****. It's hard but you got to face the facts . Im glad you stopped seeing him because so many other women would simply turn thier head and be like "Well it's not my child i dont give a damn about his other kids" . I hope his son grows up to be super successful without him and nine times out of 10 all of these deadbeats come crawling back like the scum they are once the child is grown ....Yeah after all the hard work has already been done by the mama

 

[HisBestFriend]

I married a man who had two children from a previous marriage. When we married we fought for and won custody. Before him and his two I NEVER wanted kids but because I loved him I loved his kids.

It is hard at times but the love they have for one another should translate into putting the health of their relationship first because when they work then they will work together to make everything else work. That is how DH and I approached everything. Somedays we were at each other but those days were few. Hell, we ended up taking in my sister's two children. His idea as well. And again, the love we have for one another over rides everything else.

As for issues from the kids or the mother, it will be up to him to set the standard as to what he will and will not tolerate and then enforce his words with actions. We let our kids know it was okay to feel a certain way but not okay to express it in totally disrespectful manners. The same went for their mother.

 

[OneInAMillion]

My SO has a daughter and it's not the easiest thing for me to deal with. She lives in the Caribbean and he's in the military, so he can't go see her. He does support the child fully and calls on Holidays when she is visiting with his family there. It's definitely tough because I can see that after 3 years, his daughter's mother won't let go. She calls pretty regularly and sends frequent messages about needing extra money all the time. He never answers her calls or texts because he doesn't want much to do with the mother, which apparently makes her even more upset. She'll follow up with messages about not understanding why he won't talk to her, why can't he let them be a family again, and then my favorite "she need money fa books fa di baby." His only response is to send the money that she requests (which is a problem in my opinion, especially when he's sending $600+ a month).

It's a shame because this is the one issue for me...the fact that I'll have to deal with the daughter's mother for the rest of our lives...Another thing that burns me up, the daughter's mother does not work--nor does she take care of the child all the time (she's often with my SO's relatives).

All that to say that I know this is going to be hard to deal with in the coming years. I wouldn't want anyone to deal with a situation like this, it's definitely harder than I imagined.