Am I being insensitive? Someone help me understand!

[BeautifulFlower]

Ok. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I know he loves me too but I need some advice here. We are in a long distance relationship. He is soooo adament about me informing him of my whereabouts. If he doesnt know where I am and havent heard from me in a few hours, he starts calling and texting. When I do call back, I get a lecture on how I need to let him know because he gets worried and he cares and on and on.

Like today I was supposed to work from hom but I had to go into the office. I was on the move from 11a to 1p. I didnt call or text him in this time nor did I look at my phone. Not that I didnt think of him but I didnt think to call. I was busy and on the move.

Its stressful because I do my best. I am not accustomed to HAVING to let anybody know where I am at all time. I understand he loves me and cares but its driving me nuts. I am a very independent person and I have conditioned from previous relationships to not need much attention or demand alot. This level of attentiveness is new to me and I am not sure I like it too much.

I told him its ok if he doesnt know where I am for a couple hours or that I dont call him for longer than that. I feel like he's my dad or something. Its really getting to me.

Am I being misunderstanding?

 

[Mai Tai]

Him having to have a realtime update on your whereabouts is a HUGE sign if insecurity not love, and this tells me that he has some serious trust issues.

I do not think you are being insensitive. Who has time to be updating all day when you obviously have things to do.

Has he been hurt in the past by someone who wasn't where they said they were? He is acting like he has been cheated on before. You all need to have a serious talk about what type of communication you each expect.

 

[chicitygirl]

Yes, I think that's kind of extreme. It's one thing if he doesn't hear from you all day and evening or something. But every few hours is a bit much. Is he controlling in other ways at all?

 

[zenith]

Him having to have a realtime update on your whereabouts is a HUGE sign if insecurity not love, and this tells me that he has some serious trust issues.

I do not think you are being insensitive. Who has time to be updating all day when you obviously have things to do.

Has he been hurt in the past by someone who wasn't where they said they were? He is acting like he has been cheated on before. You all need to have a serious talk about what type of communication you each expect.

Yep, i went thru the same thing in my last LD relationship. He did not trust me at all. Wanted updates all the time. If i didn't pick up or text back in a few hours, i got "attitude" on the other end.
When i did visit him, he went thru my phone after we had a fight.
That was the end of us.
Now he wants me back and i can't be bothered!

 

[tiara76]

yes this would be a major sign of insecurity....he prob does get worried and PARANOID that in those few hours he doesn't know something that something is going on with you and somebody else

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thank you. I guess we do need to talk.

Him having to have a realtime update on your whereabouts is a HUGE sign if insecurity not love, and this tells me that he has some serious trust issues.

I do not think you are being insensitive. Who has time to be updating all day when you obviously have things to do.

Has he been hurt in the past by someone who wasn't where they said they were? He is acting like he has been cheated on before. You all need to have a serious talk about what type of communication you each expect.

 

[sidney]

I had a boyfriend like this...

...in MIDDLE School!


This is not a good sign for a healthy mature relationship.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I dealt with this as well. I thought it was nice but it is actually a sign of him being controlling. Look for other signs of insecurity and control issues because you might have a problem brewing.

 

[Sosoothing]

You are not over reacting if this is something that makes you uncomfortable.

I am in a LDR too and my boyfriend is about a 4 hour flight from me.
We let each other know about our whereabouts all day, everyday since the time we decided to become exclusive. We didn't need to talk about it and decide to do things this way, its just something we do naturally. I know where he is almost every second and vice versa...lol. BUT it works for US and for some people it can seem suffocating and is not an alluring trait.

Let him know if you have a problem with it

 

[Bunny77]

I'm in a long-distance relationship, and we check in once a day, at most. Usually at night, when it's likely that we're done with all we had to do for the day.

He respects that I have a job and a life, and vice-versa, and that there's no reason to be "checking in." The only time we check in more is if I am traveling somewhere and he wants to make sure I got there safely. Even then, he leaves it up to me to text when I'm leaving Place A and when I arrive at Place B and he does the same with me.

I couldn't handle being expected to check in every few hours... that doesn't come off as concerned, but controlling.

 

[CaramelPrincezz]

I was in a LDR and my ex was just like this. He texted and called me constantly. Didn't really want me to leave my room outside of class and church. He'd get upset and start blowing my phone up if I spent any significant time hanging out and not speaking with him. It led to me being very resentful towards him because I didn't make many friends my freshman and sophomore years of college as a result of him being that way.

You need to discuss this with him because it is not ok . Definitely a sign of insecurity. My ex was always afraid that if I was out doing things, another guy would come and take me away from him. I suggest you nip it in the bud now because it's only going to get worse if you let it continue. Trust me, I know.

 

[awhyley]

This level of attentiveness is new to me and I am not sure I like it too much.

Make no mistake, it's not attentiveness. And I wouldn't like it either. Mai Tai was spot on with her post, so I won't repeat it.

I was in a LDR and my ex was just like this. He texted and called me constantly. Didn't really want me to leave my room outside of class and church. He'd get upset and start blowing my phone up if I spent any significant time hanging out and not speaking with him. It led to me being very resentful towards him because I didn't make many friends my freshman and sophomore years of college as a result of him being that way.

Esp. when he tries to lay the guilt at you door when you don't jump high enough through his hoops. I see OP's relationship going in the same direction, if she doesn't sit him down and have the talk with him. Depending on his response, you may have to move on OP, so be prepared.

 

[makeupgirl]

Ok. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I know he loves me too but I need some advice here. We are in a long distance relationship. He is soooo adament about me informing him of my whereabouts. If he doesnt know where I am and havent heard from me in a few hours, he starts calling and texting. When I do call back, I get a lecture on how I need to let him know because he gets worried and he cares and on and on.

Like today I was supposed to work from hom but I had to go into the office. I was on the move from 11a to 1p. I didnt call or text him in this time nor did I look at my phone. Not that I didnt think of him but I didnt think to call. I was busy and on the move.

Its stressful because I do my best. I am not accustomed to HAVING to let anybody know where I am at all time. I understand he loves me and cares but its driving me nuts. I am a very independent person and I have conditioned from previous relationships to not need much attention or demand alot. This level of attentiveness is new to me and I am not sure I like it too much.

I told him its ok if he doesnt know where I am for a couple hours or that I dont call him for longer than that. I feel like he's my dad or something. Its really getting to me.

Am I being misunderstanding?

No you're not being misunderstanding. You are at work or you're just living your life. Even if you're married, you're still living your life. Pay attention to other signs because this is also a sign of abuse. I see this in my mom's relationship with her husband which is one of the reasons she stopped going to church for 5 years, yes you read correctly 5 years. So be careful. Watch out for other signs. When in doubt, stop and pray. The bible says "Pray without ceasing". Be careful.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

BTW, he doesnt care where I go, he just wants to know where I am (not minute updates) and that I am ok.


Update!!!

I talk'd with him and I was very open and honest about his behavior and attitude and how he makes me feel. He agreed with most of my points and said he needs to think about it. I love his heart and his willingness to communicate.

I also talked to his best friend (my brother-in-law) and he gave me a good insight into his brain. He believes we'll be ok we just have to find that happy medium. He just laughed at me at first because he said I knew this would happen because me and my SO's emotional make-up are very different like him and his wife(my sister). One thing he told me was think of your sister in situations like this. He means that somehow his wife and his best friend (my SO) have the same emotional make-up and its very freaky. They love hard and need verbal affirmation and give all of themselves and expect alot of love in return.

My SO is the most wonderful man, people like him easily because he's such a sweet and sincere person. We all have our flaws but he's worth it.

So thanks ladies for your insight. It helped get up the courage to ask for help.

 

[makeupgirl]

BTW, he doesnt care where I go, he just wants to know where I am (not minute updates) and that I am ok.


Update!!!

I talk'd with him and I was very open and honest about his behavior and attitude and how he makes me feel. He agreed with most of my points and said he needs to think about it. I love his heart and his willingness to communicate.

I also talked to his best friend (my brother-in-law) and he gave me a good insight into his brain. He believes we'll be ok we just have to find that happy medium. He just laughed at me at first because he said I knew this would happen because me and my SO's emotional make-up are very different like him and his wife(my sister). One thing he told me was think of your sister in situations like this. He means that somehow his wife and his best friend (my SO) have the same emotional make-up and its very freaky. They love hard and need verbal affirmation and give all of themselves and expect alot of love in return.

My SO is the most wonderful man, people like him easily because he's such a sweet and sincere person. We all have our flaws but he's worth it.

So thanks ladies for your insight. It helped get up the courage to ask for help.

As long as you're ok, that's the most important thing. However, it's not ok for anyone in this world to have any control over any human being. Except mommy and daddy, and even after a certain age it's limited. So I pray that everything goes well with your relationship with him and that he sincerely just wants to see that you're ok.

 

[Sosoothing]

Im glad you two talked and you sound content.
I wanted to clarify that what I meant in my previous statement was me and my SO are almost always aware of each others whereabouts. Not that we do minute by minute updates. For instance, If I am at work, he might not hear from me for hours until I get off but he knows I am at work.

 

[lizzyb168]

im in a LDR 2. My SO is exactly the same but i have learnt to deal with it. We have talked bout it a numba of times n he has gotten betta but i guess it just takes time. i kno he only means well. good luck.