Advice: Potential romance with an older guy

[girlonfire]

Does anyone else in the church know him? Peep out who he talks to a lot.... Idk.... Maybe one day ask one of the people who spoke to him what his name is as you don't think you've ever seen him there before.... lol....girl I don't know! I DO think it's cute though.. Oh I remember when I was 17 and had my crushes.

Idk how big your church is. Is it huge? Or is it small? That can also make a big difference.

Lol Thanks! It's small like under 60 not including the little ones. All the people i ever see him talk to are grown arse men with families and i feel uncomfortable around them. There are 2 girls that he talks to. One is a deaconess' daughter and the other is a youth group coordinator. I could probably talk to the coordinator bc I've talked to her, she's super nice and doesn't mean mug...but i can't tell her I've never seen him bc she was there when he cornered me that day. But yeah this sunday I'll try and talk to her to find out about him. Maybe I'll invite her somewhere bc i think we could be good friends. I don't know where though.
I don't have many people i consider a real friend (like anne of green gables and her best friend dianna...omg i just realized that the coordinator and anne's friend have the same name! Coincidence!) . I can't ask her to go to a movie or the mall bc we're not that close and she lives nearly 30 miles away so not sure. Maybe starbucks? That sounds lame. Dangit.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Don't do that. Just move on. If he was really interested in you, he would be talking to you WAY before now. He probably was just flirting. some people are serial flirts. If one day, he really decides that he wants to talk to you, he will. When a guy wants a woman...or a girl, he will go after her.

Be patient. The right guy will come along...no matter how shy you are. There's a saying: "There's a lid for every pot".

Lol Thanks! It's small like under 60 not including the little ones. All the people i ever see him talk to are grown arse men with families and i feel uncomfortable around them. There are 2 girls that he talks to. One is a deaconess' daughter and the other is a youth group coordinator. I could probably talk to the coordinator bc I've talked to her, she's super nice and doesn't mean mug...but i can't tell her I've never seen him bc she was there when he cornered me that day. But yeah this sunday I'll try and talk to her to find out about him. Maybe I'll invite her somewhere bc i think we could be good friends. I don't know where though.
I don't have many people i consider a real friend (like anne of green gables and her best friend dianna...omg i just realized that the coordinator and anne's friend have the same name! Coincidence!) . I can't ask her to go to a movie or the mall bc we're not that close and she lives nearly 30 miles away so not sure. Maybe starbucks? That sounds lame. Dangit.

 

[girlonfire]

Don't do that. Just move on. If he was really interested in you, he would be talking to you WAY before now. He probably was just flirting. some people are serial flirts. If one day, he really decides that he wants to talk to you, he will. When a guy wants a woman...or a girl, he will go after her.

Be patient. The right guy will come along...no matter how shy you are. There's a saying: "There's a lid for every pot".

A lid for every pot. Never heard that but it sounds old and it's probably true. I don't want you to be right but I think you are. I just wish there was s something I could do you know? I'm so tired of being lonely I just want the guy i like to say something so I don't feel like I'm in this by myself. I went out with my best girlfriend tonight and we saw the movie Tammy. Closer to the end of it, Tammy said to her love interest something about thinking 2 messes (her life and their budding romance) are a good idea. That's really how I feel but I still want to get to know him because i like him and I haven't liked that many guys this way. I think I let everyone know how inexperienced I am. I just wish there was something I could do. Is there something I can do? Maybe I could linger around a little longer after church or try saying hello again. Just hello. Is that still overexerting myself?
So stop trying. That's what I need to do. If he wants me, hell come get me. Even with my overprotective, overbearing and very intimidating family? If he can get past them, he's some kind of special. Well he did 1x...I don't know. I just hate doing nothing! I wanna do something to move it along. But maybe there's nothing to move.
There's this whole other story I'm withholding but based of the responses in this thread I'm getting excited over next to nothing. Whats my problem? I should know that but I'm not sure. I like to break down my problems and solve them but my logic approach isn't working. Am I so hypersensitive that I'm "picking up" on nuances that are not really there?
The bare bones of this whole thing is: i wanna do something. I can't do nothing. But when I try doing something I can't speak and become the human torch. When I do nothing I'm constantly beating up on myself and stressing because I feel like I missed my chance, he's the one, I'll be alone forever living with my family etc. (not literally but these kinds of stressful thoughts). I'm not right in the head.

 

[girlonfire]

Is it okay if I update regularly to share how i'm doing with this whole thing?

 

[myhairgrowstoo]

Is it okay if I update regularly to share how i'm doing with this whole thing?

Yes I think so

 

[princess me]

This is funny and so cute. Having a crush and those butterflies is really fun. Do you have any hobbies outside of church? Are you going away to college? Are you going to college at all? Do you work anywhere? Men are everywhere! You will meet someone who is in your age range (18-21).

I don't think you should harp on this guy though, he probably would've said something or made some real effort by now if he was interested. Maybe he has a gf or is dating around already. Remember he's not your age so he's most likely not going to be as anxious and nervous as you are, even around your family, so what's HIS excuse for not approaching you? Didn't you mention he regularly converses with adults anyway? With that being said, I think u should broaden your horizons so to speak and look around in other areas of your life for male attention/prospects. I wouldn't advise you to date in a small church anyway, it probably wouldn't end well and your family would more than likely be too involved.

 

[girlonfire]

This is funny and so cute. Having a crush and those butterflies is really fun. Do you have any hobbies outside of church? Are you going away to college? Are you going to college at all? Do you work anywhere? Men are everywhere! You will meet someone who is in your age range (18-21).

I don't think you should harp on this guy though, he probably would've said something or made some real effort by now if he was interested. Maybe he has a gf or is dating around already. Remember he's not your age so he's most likely not going to be as anxious and nervous as you are, even around your family, so what's HIS excuse for not approaching you? Didn't you mention he regularly converses with adults anyway? With that being said, I think u should broaden your horizons so to speak and look around in other areas of your life for male attention/prospects. I wouldn't advise you to date in a small church anyway, it probably wouldn't end well and your family would more than likely be too involved.

I like baking. I'd like to open my own gourmet bakery one day. I've got the name, the initial menu, my training methods, just need the money I'm really not that active in the church...I'd like to be, but there's a language barrier. Many have very good English but most people either speak Spanish or Brazilian Portuguese. I barely speak Spanish but that's something I'm working on too so you could say that's a hobby: learning Spanish. They've tried to include me but I don't really have that freedom. Plus feel like a burden when they constantly have to translate for me when they bother to. I'm going to a very small college in my small town that is literally 3 miles away from my house. It's not really where I want to be but I'm working to get to where I want to be. As of this moment I do not have a job but I went in for an interview today at a local supermarket and I've got the job if I pass the background check and drug test (which I will because I am a very boring person and I've never even seen an illegal drug in person). I guaranteed 12 hrs a week. I hope i get more because I really need a car. I'm so done with riding with my mother everywhere. I'll be working in the bakery which excites me a lot! I feel like my life will be given new purpose! Theres this guy in my Psych class who I WAS attracted to, but then I heard him speak and I was like The idiocy is real. No bueno. I also love to read and write. I'm working on a book. If I could just find my rough draft it would be great. It will not be a bible story but a lot of principles will be taken from the bible as I am trying to repair my relationship with God. I'll be volunteering at an assisted living very soon. It's such a swanky place, like a condo! It would be the perfect apartment complex if it wasn't in such a random location.

I really don't want you to be right. The logical part of me (75%) completely agrees that it's time to let go and let be and let God but the rest of me just wants to DO SOMETHING because that's who I am! I keep busy and I fix situations. When I can't fix it I cry for help privately (i.e.this forum/thread)You are right. all of you are right. It's just hard for me to let go when I've been holding on for a while.

 

[PureSilver]

That's the #1 reason it has become so hard to let go. Do think aboutit, occupy yourself with somthing else, something, beautiful, peaceful, something positive. Maybe you could focus on finding that draft for the book and putting some more work into it. (I'd love to read it when you're finished) Let it go girlonfire, Let go and let God.

BTW, Are you Aries?

 

[girlonfire]

That's the #1 reason it has become so hard to let go. Do think aboutit, occupy yourself with somthing else, something, beautiful, peaceful, something positive. Maybe you could focus on finding that draft for the book and putting some more work into it. (I'd love to read it when you're finished) Let it go girlonfire, Let go and let God.

BTW, Are you Aries?

Okay. I'm gonna try to let it go. Focus on more positive less energy draining activities. You got it! I'll probably make it an e-book. It's definitely gonna take some time but thanks for your interest, it means a lot!

Nope, right next door though, TAURUS.

 

[princess me]

U should definitely volunteer, I also hope u get that job!

Taking college classes will force you to mingle with other people. Try to speak up and be very involved especially in the smaller classes, that way u can slowly improve your public speaking issues and grow out of your shyness. You will see there's sooooooooooooo many guys out there, especially when u are so young. I think u are just stuck on this one fellow because you don't have that much else going on. Get busy! Find that draft and continue to Write that book. Bake specialty/gourmet dishes at home with cheap/unique ingredients. Do what u can to perfect your craft. Maybe start a baking blog/tumblr idk, just immerse yourself in a hobby and invest time in yourself and your community because when u do find that guy u so desperately want he's going to want to know what you can bring to the table to keep his interest. Does your church link up with other churches to go to fests/concerts/plays etc? Maybe u should make a large effort to go hang out with other christian young ppl so you won't feel as "boring". If u hang out with like minded individuals maybe u won't feel as shy because then u would just fit right in.

These r just some simple suggestions to help u focus on other stuff while u work on figuring out ur next move with this guy. What about finding another friend in the church who can give u a ride home so u don't always have to ride with ur parents? That way u can mingle with some of the other members and maybe even have enough Time to strike up a simple convo with the Guy.

 

[girlonfire]

U should definitely volunteer, I also hope u get that job!

Taking college classes will force you to mingle with other people. Try to speak up and be very involved especially in the smaller classes, that way u can slowly improve your public speaking issues and grow out of your shyness. You will see there's sooooooooooooo many guys out there, especially when u are so young. I think u are just stuck on this one fellow because you don't have that much else going on. Get busy! Find that draft and continue to Write that book. Bake specialty/gourmet dishes at home with cheap/unique ingredients. Do what u can to perfect your craft. Maybe start a baking blog/tumblr idk, just immerse yourself in a hobby and invest time in yourself and your community because when u do find that guy u so desperately want he's going to want to know what you can bring to the table to keep his interest. Does your church link up with other churches to go to fests/concerts/plays etc? Maybe u should make a large effort to go hang out with other christian young ppl so you won't feel as "boring". If u hang out with like minded individuals maybe u won't feel as shy because then u would just fit right in.

These r just some simple suggestions to help u focus on other stuff while u work on figuring out ur next move with this guy. What about finding another friend in the church who can give u a ride home so u don't always have to ride with ur parents? That way u can mingle with some of the other members and maybe even have enough Time to strike up a simple convo with the Guy.

To the the bold: very very true. I am definitely working on that! I'm very excited about my new projects!
To the italicised: See about that...my home is a hot mess. It's probably not as terrible as hoarders but we're getting there. I feel like if I ask someone to take me home they're going to see where I live (not that where i live isn't nice because it is, it's a decent community) and come back unannounced. And if I ask for a ride I feel like I should invite them into my home especially if it's during the day. I don't know, are these crazy rules?

I'm working on that too though (the upside down messy house)!! I'm in the Fly Lady challenge. I'll admit that I was not on my game the 1st 7 months of the year but now that all my trials and tribulations are a thing of the past (for now) I feel so much more empowered to get back to where I need to be. I've got a good feeling about August!

 

[girlonfire]

UPDATE:

I have a bad feeling that S.A. may not be going to church anymore. I haven't seen him in 5 Sundays. I don't want to say what I think really has happened to him in fear that my suspicions are true...

I didn't mention this before because it was not relevant (I felt) to the original intent of the thread, but before S.A. there was another guy. I was uneasy about my attraction to him because he at one point was significantly shorter than I and again there's an age difference, but I'M THE OLDER ONE NOW. He's estimated to be 16 and I am 18.

I start school soon. I'm dying to have something to do. I haven't got my drug/background test back so no work yet. Tried out a recipe yesterday, it was putrid but I'll get better. Still looking for my rough draft. I think I'll try out meal planning. Been doing surveys for money, it's quite exhausting.

Just doing my best to focus on other things.

End of Update.

 

[LLicious85]

I think 5 years is nothing.......when you are 95. When you are 17, yeah I really think it is something.

 

[girlonfire]

I think 5 years is nothing.......when you are 95. When you are 17, yeah I really think it is something.

I feel that way as well. It's hard being attracted to someone when you know the chances of it ending in your favor are slim to nonexistent.

 

[LLicious85]

Yes and I know there is societal pressure for girls to go out with guys that are older because "girls mature quicker than guys". Not wanting to sound horrible, but this does not seem right in my estimation. Girls do mature physically quicker (become physical adults) to guys, but are just socialised differently. Like comparing apples to oranges.
If you like a guy that is younger or shorter, I see no issue.
I do not see height as an issue at all. Never has been for me, not sure why it ought to be

 

[Ganjababy]

Op you are so cute! Really. I wish you all the best.

I wish you an exciting life and a great future. There is so much waiting for you out there and you sound like you are ready to start your journey.

 

[girlonfire]

Yes and I know there is societal pressure for girls to go out with guys that are older because "girls mature quicker than guys". Not wanting to sound horrible, but this does not seem right in my estimation. Girls do mature physically quicker (become physical adults) to guys, but are just socialised differently. Like comparing apples to oranges.
If you like a guy that is younger or shorter, I see no issue.
I do not see height as an issue at all. Never has been for me, not sure why it ought to be

For me, I just always imagined a guy I date as taller that me. It creates a feeling of strength, in my mind. You know what's ironic though. My father, 62, is 5'6.5" while my mother, 52, is 5'8", so I don't know where I got this notion. Maybe because the rest of the women on my moms side, I've spent most of my life with them, have usually dated/married men who were very tall or the same height.

I have a whole experience with him that leads me to believe that he's attracted to me but is tired of nothing happening. Tell me this, how can one be tired of nothing happening when one has not made significant progression to create the reality that one wishes to have? If you've done what you always did, you get what you've always gotten! Very simple concept, right?

 

[girlonfire]

Op you are so cute! Really. I wish you all the best.

I wish you an exciting life and a great future. There is so much waiting for you out there and you sound like you are ready to start your journey.

lol Thank you so much for your well wishing and kind words! I really am trying my darnedest. I'm anxious for my future! I feel like it's just waiting for me to pick it up and clutch it close, never letting go.
Thank you again!

 

[LLicious85]

For me, I just always imagined a guy I date as taller that me. It creates a feeling of strength, in my mind. You know what's ironic though. My father, 62, is 5'6.5" while my mother, 52, is 5'8", so I don't know where I got this notion. Maybe because the rest of the women on my moms side, I've spent most of my life with them, have usually dated/married men who were very tall or the same height.

I have a whole experience with him that leads me to believe that he's attracted to me but is tired of nothing happening. Tell me this, how can one be tired of nothing happening when one has not made significant progression to create the reality that one wishes to have? If you've done what you always did, you get what you've always gotten! Very simple concept, right?

Strength? Of what? If he is shorter than you, there is a very likely chance that he is going to still be stronger than you. Being taller will not make anyone stronger either. In fact, I think of all the really short guys I know and they are tough little creatures. The reason is that they have to work harder to get the same kind of respect.

"If you've done what you always did, you get what you've always gotten! Very simple concept, right?" working definition of insanity right there

 

[girlonfire]

Strength? Of what? If he is shorter than you, there is a very likely chance that he is going to still be stronger than you. Being taller will not make anyone stronger either. In fact, I think of all the really short guys I know and they are tough little creatures. The reason is that they have to work harder to get the same kind of respect.

"If you've done what you always did, you get what you've always gotten! Very simple concept, right?" working definition of insanity right there

That is true, men are naturally stronger physically than women. I think i've been conditioned to think that way. I just want a guy I can look up to but maybe that's not necessary. He's grown though. I believe we are now the same height and if not I am only very slightly taller.

It's interesting how one can know that this is true but not use this knowledge to progress in whatever area progression is desired.

 

[LLicious85]

Oh, heck, nothing saying you cannot have your own preferences either. We all do

(That was just not one of mine)

 

[girlonfire]

UPDATE:

I START SCHOOL TOMORROW AND I START MY FIRST JOB THIS SATURDAY!! I'm so excited to finally be doing something!! Went for an interview Friday and I got that job too, start that one by the end of August. I think I'll like the 2nd one a little more. The people seem so up beat.

Went to church today. S.A. is back! I was worried something bad had happened. Maybe something did happen but it definitely isn't what I thought it was.

I really want to talk to him. I REALLY want to talk to him. Just say hi. That's it. Maybe a how are you. Then leave. That's all.

 

[BlackMarilyn]

I don't see any problem with your age difference.

And not every man has confidence and balls to chat to females they're interested in. I've spoken to a lot of guys who get nervous going up to girls they're attracted to. They'd quicker talk to the ones they're not just cuz it's less pressure.

One way to get a not-so-confident guy to chat to you is to ask him a favour that seems like no pressure. It gets the ball rolling. I'd have no idea what to say in a church setting that's along these lines but just throwing it out there.

Good luck girl!!!

 

[girlonfire]

Thanks BlackMarilyn, cute screen name by the way!

Yeah I have no idea what I'd ask him that I couldn't ask a deacon(ess). I'm graceful with words on paper, not so much in person.

I have one idea but it's a long shot. Maybe I'll just stand beside him, ask him for a pen.

 

[girlonfire]

I started m first job today. Not sure I'm as excited. I feel like my store is run by a slave master, except I actually get paid, but not as much as I deserve to considering what my responsibilities are (SEVERAL OF WHICH WERE NOT IN MY " JOB DESCRIPTION").

Saw some cute guys but they were like 15, and statutory rape is a no-go. Plus I'm sure they don't belong to my store so I'll probs never see them again.

Start the next job on friday, I'm hoping for a better experience as that one pays more which is crazy because all I do is hang clothes and talk where as the first one has WAY MORE stuff on the line if I forgo my responsibilities.

'Tis all for now.

 

[girlonfire]

I started my second job today and it's great. The people are great, theres awesome food when I'm on break either in the store or the plaza, it's great.

I've taken to learning spanish. It's going alright.

 

[girlonfire]

It's been a while. I gave not been to church in nearly 3 mo. That's really sad mostly for my spiritual life. I was fired for the first time in my life 2wks ago. I'll miss it but I feel so much relief. I've come to rhe conclusion that God has better things for me.

I've also come to the cinclusion that my life is too unstable to entertain a guy. It's not a good time. Maybe a companion, but not a boyfriend. Too bad any guy I'm around nowadays is a wannabee Hollister model or too about that life. Oh well, this too shall pass.
There are some other things that have changed but im too tired to type right now. I'll update you tomorrow.

 

[girlonfire]

So I guess tomorrow never came? Update time.

 

[girlonfire]

I did not find the original rough draft of my story however I thought about everything that was on the rough draft and decided that that was a little bit too immature for me and somehow I created a much better story line and plot from the ashes.
Things are going well with my job I got in trouble for not going to work one time but I had a very good reason I found another job at another company and they asked me to come in on a day that I was scheduled to work at my first job and I couldn't decide who to go to. I was written up but in the future I will make my case that's many people have done way worse things than I have and they are still working. Anyway, it's reasonable, work I mean.
I've been going out with this guy friend of mine, just as friends, movies and the like. It's nice. No unspoken rules, just a guy and a gal having fun.
Two guys from work asked me out. one of them I genuinely do not like ( easy on the eyes but his wit is as short as a glade candle wick) and the other one ( not as easy on the eyes but I do like his personality and we mesh well together), I can't seem to find time to hang out with BC our work schedules for this week are opposing and when I explain this to him he basically told me that he thought that I was trying to get out of hanging out with him and pretty much cut me off. Oh well can't please everyone. And if he's going to treat me like that after I told him why I couldn't hang out with him then whatever.

 

[girlonfire]

I can't believe that it was almost a year ago that my love sick butt started this thread. I love being able to look back at this, seeing my transition throughout these last 12 months.

Update. I have not been to church in possibly nine months. So I have not seen S.A. in about 9 months. Crazy.

I have had a couple temporary jobs since I got my first job but I still work for the very first company. 7 months on the 11th. Found out my ex works for the same company at the same store as me. I see him frequently. It used to make me sick, but now I really don't care. We're done, we've been done, there's nothing to salvage.

I've been doing alright in school. It's hard keeping track of deadlines and finding the energy to do my assignments. I'm excited though. I'm learning really cool things, mostly from self study.

Speaking of school, I am pursuing an Associate's Degree at a local college. When I tell people this, many seem disappointed...in me, like I should have gone to another state or to the top university in the state. Honestly, I like where I am right now. I don't plan to stop here because I do want more than this but I think this is an appropriate path for me. I'm excited about my future and my potential to create amazing things.

I got my driver's license and a car. I love my car. Her name is Nina. She's an Acura TL. I've been enjoying the freedom of driving around whenever I want.

I have not really pursued any hobbies. I mostly get on here and browse. I realized that even though I like baking, I suck a it. IT's fun, but nothing I make is good, except box cake. I'm trying to organize my life and find time for all my interests but it's difficult between work and school and procrastination. I've got a lot of ideas that I'd like to bring to reality. No time though. Gotta find some time. Anyone know a good vendor lol. But my life is really a hot mess. Not because I'm in a bad stage. I really think that I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I just hate that I can't find time to do everything I want.

I joined a gym. I've never worn a bikini and I'd like to change that this summer. Get fit. I have an addiction to mcdonald's though. It's very serious.


I've been out on a few dates. Nothing serious. I don't see myself getting seriously involved with anyone except myself for a while. I have a lot of self renovation to do.

I'm getting a haircut in 2 weeks. A Deva cut. Coincidentally my appointment is on a friday and the salon happens to be 5 miles from the church and my time is 4 hours before the start of the friday prayer meeting...I think I'll go. Yeah, I'll go. If S.A. is there cool, I may say hi. But I've been neglecting my spirituality.

That's basically it. That's my update. I'll probably update on the weekend of the 20th, we'll see.

Thanks again for all you support and advice.

GOF