Advice: Potential romance with an older guy

[ThePerfectScore]

if hes 23 making eyes at a 17 year old hes a creeper. when i was 23 i was in grad school, i wish i would with a high schooler.

I agree!!!!

A week after I turned 18 I met and fell in love with a 24 year old. (Much of this romance is chronicled on posts on LHCF ) As a 18 year old I thought I was just so mature and on the exact same level and page as this older man.

Girl, as a 25 year old (birthday Feb 1st)--- ain't no way in HELLLLLLLLLLLLL I'd be messing around with no high schooler/ undergrad college student. I was a damn CHILD! A freaking child! No reason on God's green earth should a grown-rse man be dating a child.

The age difference between y'all won't be bad when you're in your mid to late 20s, and he's in his 30s. Age differences become less important the older you both are.

But heck, it's your life. I really have nothing constructive to add about your budding flirtationship with his man.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Well....



let me give you the advice I should have listened to as a teenager:


Read "Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules)"
by Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)


Chile, I was talking to my daddy on Saturday about how to get over my first (the older guy I started dating at 18 \ he was 24).

I had been with that guy back and forth for 6 years. My friends pointed out that my WHOLE adult life I had been obsessing with this one guy. I think because he was older I felt like I had less control in the relationship and I let him call the shots. I lost myself in the relationship. I never learned what it was like to date as an adult and to create boundaries. We were on completely different stages in our life.

When I was a freshman in college. He was climbing the corporate ladder. When the highlight of my life was going to a Frat Party. He was earning his President's Club Trips. When I was worried about graduation. He was worried about opening up his own bankruptcy law firm. We were always on completely different pages. I couldn't relate to his work stresses. And he was very detached from the issues that bothered me.

There was basic things to that were problematic. Like if he was going out with his friends. I wasn't old enough to get in. I couldn't drink or go to the places that a 21 and up can go. That definitely made me feel disconnected from his social life and an isolated aspect of his life. I could never fully be integrated in his life because we live in a society that is stratified by age.

Sucks, but it's an agist society and maturity comes with life experience, time.... AGE.

Trust and believe a guy who at 23 is on par socially with a 17/18 year old is not a catch.... In a lot of the ways guys haven't evolved passed the booty call immature dishonest promiscuity phase into wanting a mature trustworthy monogamous relationship until their late 20s and 30s (some times 40s/50s, but those men are especially stunted).

Trust I love an older man. There's some great qualities that grown-rse men possess when it comes to dating. Right now I'm entertaining a 38 year old. But in terms of stage in life I do think at 25 on average I seem to vibe best with guys who are 27-33.

This is the stage in your dating life we're learning what you want and don't want out of a romantic partner. This is where you find your voice about what you will and won't tolerate long-term through trial and error and dating around. (Note I said Date, not sleep around).

This guy has his own car, a job, a sense of self (he's really involved in the church), and friends...I have none of that. I really believe that when two people come together, they have to be at the same level or point in their life for it to work. My own pride and beliefs are keeping me from talking to him.

I can't stress enough that often times older men love younger woman because they want that hero worship. They want you to prance behind them like a puppy, hanging on to their ever word and move. This is especially true when dating an older man who's actually accomplished something. At this stage of your life your greatest accomplishments are still ahead of you, so being in an intimate relationship with someone who's already achieved the milestones that you're still currently in the process of completing can lend itself to this hero-worship mentality aka Groupie Love. Just be careful that you're not being used to stroke his old ego.


^^^ This advice probably doesn't really relate to the OP, but just to dating older guys in general.

 

[JudithO]

OP keep us posted. I don't have much advice for you except wait till you are 18 BUT at least keep this thread updated so people can chime in accordingly.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I would love to say more to him, but there are 2 things in my way: my pride, the church and my mother

Oh and did I add I hid my on again off again relationship with the older man for years!!!! Because A) I met him on an online dating website B) He was 6 years older than I. I was a senior in high school (albeit 18) when I met him. Still living under my mama's roof! I finally spilled my guts about this secrete romance to my parents my senior year of college.

But shoot in high school I ditched a school competition to go hang out with him. Looking back those were the WORST chaperones ever! I wish I would send my child on a school trip and have her leave the function to meet up with a boy she's known for a week. I went back to his place... completely unsafe. #YOLO. And I still was able to get back in time for the awards ceremony and won first place. But what a red flag that no teachers were looking for me? I was gone for a good 5 hours. We went to the high museum and were about to go see a movie, but the only reason we didn't get to the movie was b/c he had to go pick up his dry cleaning. See the difference in life priorities? What 17 year old has dry cleaning? While in college, I had gone on vacations with this man out of state. He bought the ticket and I got on the plane.... my parents never knew......

So I will say don't have a secrete romance with an older man. The secret part hurt our relationship more than it helped. It set the tone for us, and not in a good way. You've got to start a relationship the right way for it to last. So if your mama don't like him, don't think you're going to hide this fact from her and the relationship will still be strong.

When you're under a certain age and your parents still control/ pay for your life. You've got to respect their wishes until you're grown enough where their opinion doesn't matter.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

So Update

He talked to me!! *she said while smiling ear to ear* all day I was having premonitions that something big would happen and I could tell there was a devious plot afoot. He seemed a little TOO happy today. He basically cornered me as I was leaving.
He asked me to stay after church for the youth group meeting. I stayed for prayer but not for the fun BC I was not dressed for it (they're big soccer people, I was wearing church clothes) but the invite is extended BC they have a meeting every Sunday. He now knows that I am shy person and need time to come around. I was so on edge I stayed on my phone with my bff to calm me down. Though I was thoroughly uncomfortable due to my anxiety I'm happy he cornered me because I think that opened a door for future conversations. I may update more if you ladies care to know about the metamorphic process I feel I will be experiencing soon.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and guidance. As a newer member, I'm still learning sooooooo much and sometimes i feel awkward but this thread made me feel so welcome and like family until the next update'
GOF.

girlonfire Thanks for the update OP! Find out his age! He honestly doesn't sound like a bad guy at all given the details of how you guys met. Not all older men are controlling dogs or emotionally stunted or anything like that. Just be mindful---

I'd say reading Not Your Mother's Rules would be the best advice I could give you.

I sorta ran off on my own therapeutic tangent in my previous posts because I had a flash back when I too was a high school senior asking LHCF for dating advice for an older man.

Listen to the ladies on this website... 9 times out of 10 if the majority of members on this site agree then it's probably solid advice. look: take that with a grain of salt)

I think for you it's more so about YOUR confidence level and realizing that as a woman we have this very powerful ability. A guy should pursue us... We really don't have to do much but be pleasant and respectful. Self-respect is 99% of mastering this dating game. Realize what makes you A) comfortable and B) happy. Dating should be a stress free experience. It's a vetting process where you size up the guys to see if they fit your standards. You as a woman don't have to try too hard. In fact trying too hard often backfires and lumps you into the category of every other bird.

I loved reading your update because YOU didn't have to do the pursuing. He "cornered" you. You'll get a lot of horror stories that describe dating as a hunter prey mentality (i.e. the story that I can tell about my older guy), but really it's more so like fishing. You're the bait and all you have to do is just be in the right place at the right time, then the man is the fish. The whole notion that there are plenty of fish in the sea is soooo true.

^^^^^ These are all the things I wish I realized at 17... that am only coming to realize at 25.

 

[Fine 4s]

I've also heard of older men dating younger women for fun but settle with someone in their age bracket....

 

[girlonfire]

You've got to start a relationship the right way for it to last. So if your mama don't like him, don't think you're going to hide this fact from her and the relationship will still be strong.

So what exactly is the right way?? With me and ma she acts like every male I mention is my boyfriend...and also she can be crazy offensive. I've spoken to her soooo many times about her tone and the things she says but she acts like I'm just lint on her favorite coat: she just brushes me off! I'm generally just scared that ANY guy I date would be soo offended by her, especially because she's a blatant stereotyper Honestly I had just made up my mind that unless I think the guy I'm dating has at least an 80% chance of sticking around for a long time, I don't think I'll introduce anyone to her So are you saying that introducing a guy to my parents after I met him a week later is starting off on the right foot?? (I'm not saying this is what you said I just use a week as a point of reference or example)

 

[girlonfire]

girlonfire Thanks for the update OP! Find out his age! He honestly doesn't sound like a bad guy at all given the details of how you guys met. Not all older men are controlling dogs or emotionally stunted or anything like that. Just be mindful---

I'd say reading Not Your Mother's Rules would be the best advice I could give you.

I sorta ran off on my own therapeutic tangent in my previous posts because I had a flash back when I too was a high school senior asking LHCF for dating advice for an older man.

Listen to the ladies on this website... 9 times out of 10 if the majority of members on this site agree then it's probably solid advice. look: take that with a grain of salt)

I think for you it's more so about YOUR confidence level and realizing that as a woman we have this very powerful ability. A guy should pursue us... We really don't have to do much but be pleasant and respectful. Self-respect is 99% of mastering this dating game. Realize what makes you A) comfortable and B) happy. Dating should be a stress free experience. It's a vetting process where you size up the guys to see if they fit your standards. You as a woman don't have to try too hard. In fact trying too hard often backfires and lumps you into the category of every other bird.

I loved reading your update because YOU didn't have to do the pursuing. He "cornered" you. You'll get a lot of horror stories that describe dating as a hunter prey mentality (i.e. the story that I can tell about my older guy), but really it's more so like fishing. You're the bait and all you have to do is just be in the right place at the right time, then the man is the fish. The whole notion that there are plenty of fish in the sea is soooo true.

^^^^^ These are all the things I wish I realized at 17... that am only coming to realize at 25.

I'm working on the age and name! I only see him max 2x a week but this coming Sunday at the latest I'll get a name and an age. I really want to be able to stay for the meeting but I am so nervous!! I don't want to have to rely on him because he's kind of a cornerstone (he's a ref in the game).Should I post his name? Definitely age.
You think I could find that book at a library or something? I'm sort of saving towards something.
Yeah it's TOTALLY about me and my confidence level. I never thought about dating that way, that's pretty amazing how we basically have to do nothing but be pleasant and respectful oh and look cute that's usually necessary am I right?
where can I find your older man chronicles? I would love to read them!

 

[LiftedUp]

Aw how cute! Good for you gof! I agree on waiting until you're 18. Also check out his priorities etc. well but if he goes the same church thar shouldn't be so hard.

The age difference is not an issue to me... just wait until you're a legal adult and know his intentions up front

 

[ThePerfectScore]

So what exactly is the right way?? With me and ma she acts like every male I mention is my boyfriend...and also she can be crazy offensive. I've spoken to her soooo many times about her tone and the things she says but she acts like I'm just lint on her favorite coat: she just brushes me off! I'm generally just scared that ANY guy I date would be soo offended by her, especially because she's a blatant stereotyper Honestly I had just made up my mind that unless I think the guy I'm dating has at least an 80% chance of sticking around for a long time, I don't think I'll introduce anyone to her So are you saying that introducing a guy to my parents after I met him a week later is starting off on the right foot?? (I'm not saying this is what you said I just use a week as a point of reference or example)

Well my mother has a very strong personality too. So when I was 18 and started dating a 24 year old I met online I hid the whole relationship from everyone but my friends. I hid that same relationship all through college... It was first a fear of me getting in trouble. Then a fear of disrespecting my mother. In college I was still 100% financially dependent on my parents and my mom liked to hold that over my head.

Then I got to a point where I was about to graduate, I felt grown, and said F- it... Let me tell y'all about this guy I've been dating.

But it did set a weird tone for the relationship with the guy down the road because since I hadn't introduced him to my parents there wasn't the same sense of accountability a dating relationship should have. When a man meets your parents, his intention become accountable. It's a very old school way of thinking, but it's valid.

I do think as an emerging adult, you have to be honest with your parents even if you are doing something they won't necessarily approve of. In life, you have to set boundaries and cannot be a people pleaser 24-7. Your sanity and personal happiness depend on it.

I'd first get to know the guy, and if it becomes something serious be sure to tell your mother. Things are always worse with parents if you try to sneak around and hid it. Now if your mother forbids you to see this young man, then as a dependent child you have to respect that too until you are "grown enough to afford an opinion."

Two cautionary tales from Reality TV:

[1] Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta and Mama Joyce. Kandi never set boundaries with her mother. She let her mother's opinion and even violent behavior alienate her from her fiance and her best friend. Kandi has major autonomy issues in her daughter-mother relationship and because of that no one in the situation was happy.

Parents have to learn how to relate to their children once they become adults, just like children have to create their adult identity and learn how to interact with their parents. Mother-daughter relationships are evolving. When you get older its not a matter of disrespecting your mother but rather respecting yourself.

[2] Total Divas on E!. Eva Marie started dating this guy and got engaged to him 2 months later. She comes from a traditional Italian family and is the only daughter. The guy meets the parents the same time he "asks" for Eva's hand in marriage. The parents and older brothers do not think the guy is good enough for her, so they reject his proposal. Too late, she's already engaged. Fast forward a month later, Eva and the guy decide to elope (get married) and hid this from her parents and family. The family comes to visit, and Eva goes through great stress about how to hid her marriage. This is not only disrespectful to her parents and brothers, but also to her husband.

The point is.... your life = your mistakes and your successes. You can't be too worried about what your mother thinks. In the same token if you're still dependent on her financially then it's always wise to follow her rules and wishes because she has every right to cut you off as soon as you're 18 if you're not.

At this stage of the game... get to know the guy. He hasn't even asked you out on a date or anything, so it's not even the stage to meet the parents. (Although it does complicate things that you're a high school student/ under 18. Technically, it's perfectly reasonable for your mother to request and then have the right to approve of or reject giving you permission to go out with this guy.)

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I'm working on the age and name! I only see him max 2x a week but this coming Sunday at the latest I'll get a name and an age. I really want to be able to stay for the meeting but I am so nervous!! I don't want to have to rely on him because he's kind of a cornerstone (he's a ref in the game).Should I post his name? Definitely age.
You think I could find that book at a library or something? I'm sort of saving towards something.
Yeah it's TOTALLY about me and my confidence level. I never thought about dating that way, that's pretty amazing how we basically have to do nothing but be pleasant and respectful oh and look cute that's usually necessary am I right?
where can I find your older man chronicles? I would love to read them!

Chile... most of the ratchet posts are on my blog on here.... Let me see if I can find some lanks...
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/blog.php?u=57325

Basically the most recent post on the blog is about Mike--- him the guy.

haha I was flipping through the blog posts and they basically chronicle my dating life from college. Gosh that was so long ago! Start from the last page and work your way to the present. I talk about a lot of my college dating experience which did include a lot of older man.

This was a pretty epic post about him... there are other posts from that thread....
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=7633507&postcount=23

Blah just a hot mess. I was sorta a psycho-path in my youth when it came to my relationship with him.

And looking back at PMs and Posts from this website and Teamsugar.com where I asked advice about this relationship when I was 18. I really wish I had listened to older and wiser woman about him. I received some solid advice back then, but was too young to know.


Meh, "You live and you learn". *Kanye Shrug*

 

[girlonfire]

Hey Y'all!
I just wanted to give y'all a heads up this week, I may not have an update. I'm studying for a big test I have and I might not go to the Youth Group meeting and consequently might not have much interaction with the guy. I will temporarily name him S.A. until I learn his actual name. I don't want anyone pining away until Sunday only to be disappointed!
'tis all!
GOF.

 

[CurlyMoo]

This is so cute. I remember the days of teenage crushes: they are so wonderful and horrible at the same time. If this were any other circumstance, I'd say move on, he's not interested. But y'all are so young and innocent that he's probably scared. Break the ice and just say something.

I've got an adult crush and it's the pits.

 

[sky_blu]

I know it sounds easier said than done but I wish I had this advice when I was 18. Start a conversation by simply asking him his name, let him know you like him, and get it over it with. That way you can get to know him if the feelings are mutual and confirm his age bc the difference might not be as much as you thought.

Personally my first serious relationship was when I was 18 with a 23 yr old and I honestly was not ready for that at all. But I didn't know that until I experienced it. Experiences bring lessons that you can just can't get from reading a book (i.e other commenters post on what they learned and why you shouldn't do it). But I also want to add I was leaving for college right after this and I wish I would've left him where I found him to enjoy my college life more. But again I didn't know this until I experienced this and this may not be the case for you. Have fun!

 

[girlonfire]

I know it sounds easier said than done but I wish I had this advice when I was 18. Start a conversation by simply asking him his name, let him know you like him, and get it over it with. That way you can get to know him if the feelings are mutual and confirm his age bc the difference might not be as much as you thought.

Personally my first serious relationship was when I was 18 with a 23 yr old and I honestly was not ready for that at all. But I didn't know that until I experienced it. Experiences bring lessons that you can just can't get from reading a book (i.e other commenters post on what they learned and why you shouldn't do it). But I also want to add I was leaving for college right after this and I wish I would've left him where I found him to enjoy my college life more. But again I didn't know this until I experienced this and this may not be the case for you. Have fun!

See here's the thing...I have pretty bad social anxiety. Before S.A. cornered me, I was getting really bad shakes because I had a feeling he was going to do something. Idk if he even thinks I'm attractive anymore after my mom embarrassed me by indirectly telling him that I'm really shy. idk. I'm a mess. I will try to find out his name and age. I think if I actually talk to him I would through up on his church shoes...no bueno.
I'm working on myself in so many aspects.

 

[girlonfire]

Okay, sorta kinda update, pretty boring though.

I finally went back after 3 or 4 weeks. I've been swamped with homework, graduation details, housework...April was just plain stressfull and May will be looking about the same if not worse. So today i woke myself up on 3 hours of sleep, got cute and went to church. I could barely keep my eyes open and had to keep moving and do fire breaths.

Anywho, during service i was frantically searching for S.A. be bc he's always there but i couldn't see him. As I go to drop off my tithe (we do it before the service really starts) who do I run into? S.A.! He gives me this goofy smile with his snake like brown eyes and I'm pretty sure I was mean mugging I go back to my pew and the entire time i feel him watching me but i was so embarrassed i didn't even make eye contact.

After service I passed him and totally forgot to ask for his name
I'm a when it comes to matters of infatuation
That's basically it for now. I felt bad about leaving y'all hanging for so long.

GOF

 

[BonBon]

ETA: My bad. Didn't realise you are talking to him now. This is cute lol.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

if hes 23 making eyes at a 17 year old hes a creeper. when i was 23 i was in grad school, i wish i would with a high schooler.

I think I kinda have to agree with Bunny on this one OP. If you're 17 and he's 23/24 that's a big age difference for the stage that you're both in your life right NOW.

Now if he were 32 and you were 26 that would be fine. But at 17 you're so young! I would definitely wait until I were at least 18 if I were you.

It does make me wonder though what a guy who is past college graduating age would want with a high school student.....aside from the obvious.....

Idk OP....I would tread lightly with this one. He may be a nice guy with good intentions, but I think waiting a little bit until you're a year or two older would be best for right now. If he's as interested in you as you say he is, then he won't mind waiting.

 

[caltron]

This is so sweet. I had to at the title when you called him an older guy because to me you are both babies whether he's 20 or 23. He is older but you both would be technically college age so it could work depending on the personalities involved. Neither one of you is really old enough to be getting really serious. If he were 25 or older I'd be more concerned but from what you've posted of him I get the feeling that he's under 25. 25 is an age that I consider to be officially "adult".

So I don't think it's the age gap is the problem, but the fact that you are not yet 18 and still in high school. Seems like you need to wait a few short months until you're on his level.

Really, you need to find out a way of figuring out his name and how old he is! Maybe your mama could do some detective work for you.

 

[girlonfire]

Update: I'm 18 as of 05/02

 

[girlonfire]

This is so sweet. I had to at the title when you called him an older guy because to me you are both babies whether he's 20 or 23. He is older but you both would be technically college age so it could work depending on the personalities involved. Neither one of you is really old enough to be getting really serious. If he were 25 or older I'd be more concerned but from what you've posted of him I get the feeling that he's under 25. 25 is an age that I consider to be officially "adult".

So I don't think it's the age gap is the problem, but the fact that you are not yet 18 and still in high school. Seems like you need to wait a few short months until you're on his level.

Really, you need to find out a way of figuring out his name and how old he is! Maybe your mama could do some detective work for you.

Oh Lord! She doesn't know and i want it to stay that way for a while until and if this relationship becomes more tangible.

actually going to be going out of the country for vacation soon so it'll be awhile before I have another update, about a month at least :/

 

[girlonfire]

I really don't want this to turn into a pitty party or anything but I'm kinda fed up with myself.

I've never been very out going and I've never been one to initiate conversations. As of late I've been more aware of this and I've been trying to be more of an initiator because I want to expand my opportunities.

When it comes to one on one time with the complimentary sex I can't. I really can't. My body temperature rises ad I can barely form complex sentences and I LOVE complex sentences!

Saterday I was so motivated to go in there, church, and ask for this guys name. I did my hair all nice, I was going to wear a really nice red dress, black heels, I was gonna walk in there like a model and just be like " may I ask what your name is?" "Oh I just graduated highschool"whilst I blink all seductively, but there was a problem....
I SLEPT IN.
Church was at 9 and I slept till about 10:45. I could kick myself. And even if I had gone I bet I would still get hot all that so I could barely speak.

I need help.

 

[girlonfire]

Bump bump?

 

[kaykari]

lol, I love you. Shyness is normal

 

[LiftedUp]

I do think that you should be making so much effort. Let him ask you your name if he wants to know it.

 

[summertimewine]

You're so adorable! But just be cautious with older men! They can seem so alluring and mature but usually its just a bunch of hot air. At 17 I dated a 22 year old for 3 years (I am now 20) and it was an awful experience. Older men have an advantage of being in multiple relationships beforehand so they can figure out basic mannerisms that seem so appealing and new to a youngin. Just be cautious and realize you aren't even close to the prime of your life yet so there is no reason to be serious about anything. Its always nice to have a lil something to talk to though...

 

[*CherryPie*]

You started this in early March, and now, It's late July...and you STILL don't even know his name? It's officially time to let it ...and him go.

I'm being as gentle as I can because I know you're very young.

 

[girlonfire]

You started this in early March, and now, It's late July...and you STILL don't even know his name? It's officially time to let it ...and him go.

I'm being as gentle as I can because I know you're very young.

Thanks. To be fair, i hadn't gone to church for 3 or 5 weeks after i got home from vacation. And it's not like he always sits in my pew and after service i could just turn and ask. My family is always rushing me to leave. I didn't go to the service he goes yo today bc i had somewehere else to be. I'm really trying. But as someone said a little further up thread i shouldn't be trying so hard. So maybe all this "trying" is pointless?*sigh*

 

[kaykari]

just ask his name. just do it. just walk up and ask

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Does anyone else in the church know him? Peep out who he talks to a lot.... Idk.... Maybe one day ask one of the people who spoke to him what his name is as you don't think you've ever seen him there before.... lol....girl I don't know! I DO think it's cute though.. Oh I remember when I was 17 and had my crushes.

Idk how big your church is. Is it huge? Or is it small? That can also make a big difference.