2016 Relationship And Dating Thread

MzSwift said:
@sgold04

Thanks, lady! :)

I also found the thread on page 2 where other women are struggling with this concept as well.
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I'll check it out. I'm not in this position...but I may end up there one day, hopefully lol. I always said I wanted to stay home or work PT when I became a mom, but as I read your post I began to feel a little anxiety, like could I really TRUST a man enough to give up my financial freedom?
 
Thank you @sgold04. @MzSwift so you guys are engaged to be married? How long have you two been together? It is hard to change and it is hard to trust another person. Trust has to be earned so I think it's understandable that you are concerned about giving up your livelihood. I would suggest that you go slowly, be patient with yourself, and discuss with your fh ways in which you can set up the finances so that you feel financially secure whether you are working full time, part time, or not at all. You will likely need to work at least part time because that is who you are. That is okay. But there is no need for you to work till exhaustion and frustration. Why do that if you have a partner who loves you and on whom you can depend? Put your thinking cap on and figure out a way to have the balance you want. Some men who are willing to be the breadwinner can be controlling and/or arrogant so it will be good to see how flexible he is as far as making sure you feel comfortable and secure. This may mean that you need a separate savings account in your name and/or an agreement to discuss and agree on all major financial decisions etc. Think about what will make you feel secure.

Hopefully you will find a way to live a peaceful and happy life filled with love. It sounds like you've worked hard all of your life and I hope you will be able to enjoy a somewhat slower pace.
 
@hopeful

Thanks so much for the response, lady!

Yes, we are definitely in a good position since we communicate well and he has shown a ton of patience with me on this issue. We've been together almost 2.5 years and yes, we have a wedding date set for May. This is also not the first marriage for either of us (we're older) so we're not going into this blindly or with unrealistic expectations. This impending marriage is the ONLY reason I've even considered his suggestion of leaving my financial security up to him. He understands the amount of trust it'll take for me to give him that and continues to express his appreciation. He's not pressuring me to stay home and he says whatever it is that will make me happy is what he wants. Ultimately, he wants to alleviate that stress. I agree with him. Work stress isn't good for a healthy home life and a creating a peaceful homelife for my family is most important to me. It's just that I've never been given the opportunity to have the freedom to CHOOSE whether or not I want to work. I appreciate it. It just feels weird to me and I know it's a personal issue. I'm working through it but it doesn't stop it from feeling counterintuitive, ya know.
 
MzSwift said:
I've always had to work to contribute to the household. But my FH says he hates to see me work so hard. He wants me to take time off from work (several months or years) and find what kind of work will make me happy. That will mean that I will be primarily relying on him to pay the bills, which is what he wants. I will still work part time as a social worker during the break but it will be a MAJOR cut in income for me. I'm seriously struggling with this.

Has anyone else struggled with having to retrain yourself like this in a relationship? How did you deal with it?
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I haven't (and probably won't) - but I would take advantage of this. If my man could do that, I would work part time and attend law school. That has always been my dream but I don't see how I can do it right now working full time, being mommy, and studying for certifications. I would of course- make sure my debts were in check before I did that- but there would be an end goal and plan for me to re-enter the workforce full time doing something I love - maybe even opening my own business, etc.

If you trust him, I feel like letting him take the reigns financially will come - build up your savings in the meanwhile before you make that leap- that way you will have something to fall back on to help with the transition.
 
We're going to see Billy Joel at MSG and I cannot wait! LOL at us loving Billy, but we always stop and sing his songs whenever they come on no matter what is going on! And his accent makes the song even better!

"She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me!"

Sorry, I have been singing this all day!
 
@MzSwift One of my friends summed this up. She has 3, soon to be 4 kids and a good husband.

She told me : "I don't *need* a man and I'm pretty sure I'd find a way to handle this house by myself if it came to it...... but I never let him know that".

The whole fear that is passed down by other women is due to experience of women being in positions where they cannot survive without their partner. Sometimes it includes the man being controlling because he earns the money (depends on the mans personality). The main point is to make sure that you get the education, experience and build the type of career that allows you to deal with changes in the future. But that doesn't mean you cant enjoy the present and being looked after from time to time :) .

If you have all that going for you then cutting back to part time for a while and letting your guy take care of you will not change that. There is a sense of vulnerability about the experience, but it's chosen. It is quite a beautiful feeling to allow.... to allow your man to catch you and take care of your needs once used to it, but initially it can be scary when you have grown with certain beliefs.

Honestly, I've had my bills paid from 21 years old. Haven't worked for 7 months due to stress and sleep deprivation. FH supports me. I'm going back to work in a week and he said if I cant deal with it health wise, just quit, or get a part time role lol. I'm determined atm because working on raising my earnings, but it's nice to know he supports me anyway. I grew up in a 1 parent household with a Mum that did everything, so I understand the adjustment (for me it was emotional openness also and letting the guard down but that's another topic). Its very uncomfortable feeling inside, but once you get past that you'll feel great. Good luck lol.
 
Thank you so much, ladies! Exactly, @Sumra! Thank you for sharing your story. That's a big part of the struggle I'm having - learning to be vulnerable. Also, there's the aspect of feeling stagnant. I've already accomplished my educational goals. I have an advanced degree. My little man is 12 years old and growing in his independence. We're not planning to grow our family, except with furry kids. Sure, I'll be running the family but I've always done that AND worked/went to school. I'm sure it'll work out, it's just unnerving.

Thanks so much for the dialogue, ladies. There a lot to work through and I appreciate your perspectives :)
 
Woke up and realized that I am probably going to marry this man. Not the "I need my last name dropped and eggs cracked" type of way but the "I really don't see myself with anyone else" way.

We were discussing how he has been losing weight lately (looking mighty sexy I might add) and I was like- "Awww you are losing all this weight so you can attract more women and leave me". I said it as a joke and thought he was going to laugh- he turned and looked at me seriously, dead in my eye and said "I am never leaving you." He said it in the same manner that he did when we were discussing something else- so I know that tone. He was dead serious. Killed my joke but made my heart flutter a bit.
He also asked me an off-the-wall, where did that come from type question about breast feeding... He is thinking about babies... Didn't really think of our conversation until now when I woke up missing him from my bed.
 
Having a hard to dealing with anger/resentment and letting go. I don't think I can forgive. I'm to the point where I'm just so numb, miserable and hurt that I wish he would just go away. I look at him and he disgusts me. All I feel is anger and rage. I know he sees it. Every conversation is an argument. I can't even help it anymore. I gave so much and felt like I got nothing in return, so all I have left is resentment in the place of where that love used to be.

He broke my trust. Not only that, he continued to do the same acts that hurt me and failed to even allow me to get to a point where he could gain the trust back. He thinks that I dwell on the past. How can I not when the past continues to become the present? I feel like he's never gone to bat for me and know he never will. I could probably try to forgive if he weren't so cold. He lacks all empathy but expects it for himself. He shows no remorse. He definitely doesn't really care, it seems. I just don't see how you could hurt someone and see their pain or hear them cry and not even think to console them or be somewhat remorseful. I barely got an apology the last time he hurt me. He shows every sign of a sociopath in a relationship.

I wish he would just go away. It sucks that I have to be around him everyday. I've gotten to the point where I've told him that I hate him and much worse. Had he been willing to change and been more emotionally supportive I could probably forgive and possibly forget but his actions prove that it's not possible. It's just hard dealing with so much pain and anger and having to do it all alone even though the person who is causing the pain is right there in your face to see it and turns the other cheek.
 
@BlueEra awwww I'm sorry you are going through this. I can hear the pain in your post. I hope you make the best decision for yourself. It sounds rough. I don't know what else to tell you but I just want to give you a hug ((((Hugs))).
 
@BlueEra I'm so sorry you are going through this. He sounds very manipulative and cold. Some men are just that way and will not change. Try to focus on yourself, healing, and doing what's best for you. I think you should check out the co-dependent thread. Lots of useful info there. I will bump it for you. Hang in there. You will be ok. The anger will subside all in good time, but it is and was necessary to feel. It's a natural response to someone you love breaking your trust and not feeling any remorse about it.
 
How does one deal with a man not as ambitious/motivated as them? Always I "could" but never does it? A dreamer?
 
So- I asked my man about his extended family yesterday- which turned into a discussion about his friends. He was discussing his best friend slot and he was trying to explain to me that he doesn't really have a guy best friend. Then he really went into depth explaining that "If I got married tomorrow, I don't know who I would choose to be my best man." Then he started talking about the weddings he went to and the last wedding he was in, he was the best man (his cousin's). Then he settled on his cousin being the best man - 15 minutes of convo by mainly him talking this out.

I have NO idea where that all came from since the only question I asked was "Mike is your best friend right?" I was tempted to ask is he getting married soon because it sounds like he has been pondering this best man issue for a while.
 
MzSwift said:
So I come from a family of women who taught me never to rely on a man. I married young and pretty much had to live by that motto throughout our time together (we were together 17.5 years, married for 15.5). After my divorce, I began to try to relinquish my need to have to do everything on my own. Now, I have a wonderful man who wants and has the ability to comfortably take care of me. So far I'm doing well making him feel needed, I think. But there are times where I can tell he's frustrated by my inclination to do things for myself instead of asking him. He doesn't make me feel bad about it but I can tell it bothers him. I'm having difficulty balancing what was ingrained in me against my new outlook on life.

This has recently come up regarding to my career. I'm a social worker. The work is emotionally draining and I often work long hours. I've always had to work to contribute to the household. But my FH says he hates to see me work so hard. He wants me to take time off from work (several months or years) and find what kind of work will make me happy. That will mean that I will be primarily relying on him to pay the bills, which is what he wants. I will still work part time as a social worker during the break but it will be a MAJOR cut in income for me. I'm seriously struggling with this.

Has anyone else struggled with having to retrain yourself like this in a relationship? How did you deal with it?
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Wow, your post sounded like my life right now. Same married young for a long time, now divorced, taught never to rely on a man, and now with a new SO. That's crazy. I don't know if I can give you any advice because I'm very independent and self-sufficient and it's hard to kind of allow him to do things. I can tell that he responds a lot better when I allow him too though...He fixes things around the house w/out me asking, takes initiative to do things for me w/out me even hinting. I think I've learned to just kind of fall back a little with assertiveness and doing things myself...just a little.

As far as relying on him financially. I couldn't do that 100% completely. It would be too nerve-wracking. I agree w/working part time or cutting your hours. It's great that he's concerned about your well-being. I think that someone who is willing to support you in that way is great, but I would definitely keep my skills and connections in the field fresh.
 
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Why is he attempting to fix my window?!!!
He can't do it! I hear things just-a flying all over the place. I already called someone to come fix it. Like, it's a window...men.

ETA- Hours later...uhm, he kinda fixed it and didn't say anything about it.
 
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I don't believe in love :nono: Most of the men I have known in my life (bosses, co-workers, family, dates) have either mistreated me, manipulated me or lied to me in some form or fashion.

I don't think men view relationships in the same way we do. Their objective is to sleep with as many women as possible. Sometimes they placate with a relationship. I don't think they are out there trying to fall in love
 
It's his birthday weekend.... He maybe going out with friends tonight but made sure to see me first. I don't think he is staying out too late since he has to work in the morning. He has been coming over a lot lately and waiting in my parking lot til I get home... The thought that maybe he should have a key passed by my mind really quickly... But he hasn't voiced his stance on where we are at besides a few hints.

I guess we will talk about it next weekend... After he meets my family...
 
So what height difference could y'all handle? 1-2inches taller than you? Or does he have to be minimum four inches taller ?
 
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