2016 Relationship And Dating Thread

[Solila]

Thanks doll. I feel behind the eight ball sometimes, especially since I am a few years from forty. But you are right! If I had gone back years ago, I would have been done and on to the next degree. I can do what I need to do now and be grateful for the opportunity to do it. I really, really appreciate your kind words and taking the time to share this with me. You know how us Cancerians can be extra hard on ourselves, and get into a dark space of what we could have done, instead of focusing on all of the things we can still do!

I do believe when I become a mom, my baby will be the most loved and amazing child out there. Then we can do play dates for lil' Lucie and lil' Solila. I have been watching all of your activities on IG, and I am so proud of you! I love how you are traveling everywhere and really living life. You inspire me. xx

Anytime @Lucie ! Hey, age is nothing but a number and 40 is the new 20, so don't even worry about that. My mama was pregnant with me when she graduated with her BA. She had me at 42, and I'm pretty sure I was a mistake. Even if you could go back, collecting degrees is like a hobby for some. Sure, it could have opened certain doors for you, but finding a skill that you are really passionate about and being able to turn that passion into coins is just as meaningful. It's the saddest thing when people refuse to live their lives with passion. Those same folks are just walking around existing, but not living. I totally agree with the Cancerian comment. Lol I get like that sometimes, but staying busy helps a lot. Keep yourself busy! Always! Lol When you feel like you are sinking, plan your next move. It feels good to know you have certain things in store for yourself. We have the potential to do great things...if we could only "break out of our shells."

Awe!!! I know you are going to be a fantastic mommy to a fantastic baby! And yes, we should def. have play dates!!! Although, to be frank I have not gotten the baby fever yet. Lol I just hung out with a friend's 4 year old the other day, and I'm still exhausted at the thought..and this happened two days ago. Lol
And thank you sooooo much for supporting me! I believe every person should be able to live their lives to their full potential. They just sometimes need a little help getting to that point. Seeing how men, women, and children of other cultures live on a day to day basis really helps me to reflect on my life.

By the way, I remembered you posting some time ago that you really wanted to go to Greece with your boo. I think you should go! Soon! Lol Don't put it on hold.

 

[Shiks]

I have a question for older married women. Tagging @Zaynab @hopeful @naturalgyrl5199 @Southernbella. and everyone else

Do you think men know who they want to marry from jump? I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to figure out if he should marry his girl of 3 years. It seemed strange to me because everyone I know said they knew from pretty early on. I would hate to have been with someone 3 years and he was still 'unsure'.

 

[movingforward13]

Do you think men know who they want to marry from jump?

I am no longer married- however I am surrounded by men (I work for the Army) and I have asked this question multiple times.

What I was told is that, a man has to be ready to be married and "ready" is different for every man. If he isn't ready- it doesn't matter how good the woman is- he isn't mentally there to make that commitment.
Once a man is ready- the chances of him marrying the next one he meets is quite high. Men don't think like us in terms of love. They are more logical about the whole thing- am I ready, can I provide, etc.

The flip side about that is if a man isn't ready- if he comes across "The One," it will motivate him to get ready. But he still has to be in a certain mental state to even recognize that she is The One. We can help that by not staying with men that treat us horribly, not being a doormat, making sure we express our desire to be married, etc.

Concerning your friend, he isn't sure on marrying her because he isn't sure she is The One. Right now, he would be marrying her because everyone is expecting him to, not because he wants to. Something isn't mentally clicking for him to make that move. I bet if ole girl left him and let him stay by himself for 60 days and she became unavailable when he called, etc., something will click for him on whether or not she is The One.

 

[okange76]

I'm not married but my father told my brothers that it takes less than 6 months for a serious man to figure out if you are the one. They give you time before they ask because they don't want to scare you by coming on too strong too quickly. Parents have been married 45 years.

I have a question for older married women. Tagging @Zaynab @hopeful @naturalgyrl5199 @Southernbella. and everyone else

Do you think men know who they want to marry from jump? I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to figure out if he should marry his girl of 3 years. It seemed strange to me because everyone I know said they knew from pretty early on. I would hate to have been with someone 3 years and he was still 'unsure'.

 

[Shiks]

Right now, he would be marrying her because everyone is expecting him to, not because he wants to. Something isn't mentally clicking for him to make that move. I bet if ole girl left him and let him stay by himself for 60 days and she became unavailable when he called, etc., something will click for him on whether or not she is The One.

I'm not married but my father told my brothers that it takes less than 6 months for a serious man to figure out if you are the one. They give you time before they ask because they don't want to scare you by coming on too strong too quickly. Parents have been married 45 years.

The bolded. We had this talk,with married friends at dinner and yeah he is scared to marry the wrong one/do it because it is time. She is away for work and all that made him realize is he cannot do long distance. If it was anyone else I would tell them to miss me with this nonsense,but I just see a good guy who wants to do the right thing but 3 years in and well,she ain't it. Sunk cost fallacy and all that.

@okange76 I think men know even earlier just from talking to other men/married couples. I want to help my friend but I think he is just prolonging the inevitable. I am interested in seeing how this pans out because usually it is duds I see leading someone along but this is an honest to goodness good guy in a bad situation.

I see why conventional LHCF wisdom is to not date for many years if you want marriage. 3 years wasted because you were waiting to get chose vs choosing.

 

[qchelle]

I am no longer married- however I am surrounded by men (I work for the Army) and I have asked this question multiple times.

What I was told is that, a man has to be ready to be married and "ready" is different for every man. If he isn't ready- it doesn't matter how good the woman is- he isn't mentally there to make that commitment.
Once a man is ready- the chances of him marrying the next one he meets is quite high. Men don't think like us in terms of love. They are more logical about the whole thing- am I ready, can I provide, etc.

The flip side about that is if a man isn't ready- if he comes across "The One," it will motivate him to get ready. But he still has to be in a certain mental state to even recognize that she is The One. We can help that by not staying with men that treat us horribly, not being a doormat, making sure we express our desire to be married, etc.

Concerning your friend, he isn't sure on marrying her because he isn't sure she is The One. Right now, he would be marrying her because everyone is expecting him to, not because he wants to. Something isn't mentally clicking for him to make that move. I bet if ole girl left him and let him stay by himself for 60 days and she became unavailable when he called, etc., something will click for him on whether or not she is The One.

Thank you for sharing this. I agree with everything except the bolded. Or...why do people think men knowing who they want to marry within 6mos is "logical"? That is the opposite of logic, to me. Something about her is "different", she's a "game changer", "you just know"......that is not based in logic, but fantasy lol. Which is totally fine!, but don't call it logic. You've known her for less than 6mos but you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her? You don't even know her

And just because he's at where he wants to be in life and can fulfill whatever provider role he feels he should still doesn't make it any more logical, imo. It's like they're thinking "ok, I'm good. I'm in love with her. Let's do this". Bruh, what about her? What she's about doesn't really matter, as long as he's good.

Men are so stupid. That's why they marry these women and 5yrs later are paying all kinds of alimony and child support.

And long marriages mean nothing to me. Oh, it happened this way and they stayed married forever? Who cares lol

Please don't misunderstood my post: I think it's great that men are so stupid. I love it. I hope they keep being stupid. I just don't think any of this is "logical". This is right up there with "ego" and other mansensical, fantasy land crap. Like oh yes! Be cognizant of my ego, please, because it is very fragile. It is very important to take great care with it. Sure thing. I will live in this fantasy land with you, where we treat your ego like it's own person. No problem. But you do realize that this is a figment of your imagination, right?

I digress now

 

[movingforward13]

She is away for work and all that made him realize is he cannot do long distance.

I want to help my friend but I think he is just prolonging the inevitable. I am interested in seeing how this pans out because usually it is duds I see leading someone along but this is an honest to goodness good guy in a bad situation.

I see why conventional LHCF wisdom is to not date for many years if you want marriage. 3 years wasted because you were waiting to get chose vs choosing.

She is away for work but still pick up his calls and on FaceTime (probably). She is still available to him so he isn't thinking about her (or the situation) any different.

Men are notorious for waiting til they have something "better" to leave what they have. I agree- he knows he doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want to let her go. He is being selfish and wasting her youth. Tell your friend that is f@cked up. If he doesn't want her, let go of some other man's future. He can't be too much of a good guy if he is stringing her along.

She is probably talking about marriage and now he is feeling pressure- but it has been three years. She is waiting to get chosen and he doesn't know if he wants to choose her... Even though it's been three years. Break ups hurt but he would be a true man to let her go.

While I don't think one should take many years when dating for marriage, I do believe (myself included) people rush things without really evaluating someone as the endorphin rush and infatuation sets in. So we end up missing things about the other person- like mental issues, characteristics, thought processes that could affect our decisions had we known about them.
The infatuation period can last as long as two years, but it can wear off quicker if sex is introduced sooner. I guess that is a topic for another thread though lol

 

[Shiks]

Men are notorious for waiting til they have something "better" to leave what they have.

Funny you should say this. I think he likes someone else;she came by one day when the entire crew was out and the vibe changed and his BFF asked if 'this was her.'
I asked if he was going to marry his girlfriend and he said probably. After 3 years you say probably? Negro what?

I do not know why I am surprised. My male bestie broke up with his girl and was in a new relationship in 2 weeks. They been together 4 years now. Men are not rational.

 

[okange76]

6 months is long enough to study someone and know what type of person they are if you are spending a lot of time together. Obviously people rush and make bad decisions all the time but most people know by then whether to pursue or bail. Same goes for women. By six months you should be able to tell whether to continue picking his calls or moving on. Most people get into trouble because they ignore all the red flags and intuition.

Thank you for sharing this. I agree with everything except the bolded. Or...why do people think men knowing who they want to marry within 6mos is "logical"? That is the opposite of logic, to me. Something about her is "different", she's a "game changer", "you just know"......that is not based in logic, but fantasy lol. Which is totally fine!, but don't call it logic. You've known her for less than 6mos but you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her? You don't even know her

And just because he's at where he wants to be in life and can fulfill whatever provider role he feels he should still doesn't make it any more logical, imo. It's like they're thinking "ok, I'm good. I'm in love with her. Let's do this". Bruh, what about her? What she's about doesn't really matter, as long as he's good.

Men are so stupid. That's why they marry these women and 5yrs later are paying all kinds of alimony and child support.

And long marriages mean nothing to me. Oh, it happened this way and they stayed married forever? Who cares lol

Please don't misunderstood my post: I think it's great that men are so stupid. I love it. I hope they keep being stupid. I just don't think any of this is "logical". This is right up there with "ego" and other mansensical, fantasy land crap. Like oh yes! Be cognizant of my ego, please, because it is very fragile. It is very important to take great care with it. Sure thing. I will live in this fantasy land with you, where we treat your ego like it's own person. No problem. But you do realize that this is a figment of your imagination, right?

I digress now

 

[movingforward13]

Thank you for sharing this. I agree with everything except the bolded. Or...why do people think men knowing who they want to marry within 6mos is "logical"? That is the opposite of logic, to me. Something about her is "different", she's a "game changer", "you just know"......that is not based in logic, but fantasy lol. Which is totally fine!, but don't call it logic. You've known her for less than 6mos but you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her? You don't even know her

I don't think it is logical? Not sure who those people are that think it is logical. Most people are quick to say "take your time/ don't rush" in my experience. I think any decisions made in that period is subjection to more infatuation than logical.

And just because he's at where he wants to be in life and can fulfill whatever provider role he feels he should still doesn't make it any more logical, imo. It's like they're thinking "ok, I'm good. I'm in love with her. Let's do this". Bruh, what about her? What she's about doesn't really matter, as long as he's good.

I agree. I know two men that are ready now and will marry the next woman they date, provided that things go well.
They are older and want someone to come home to. They had enough of playing around and don't want to date a whole bunch of people to figure out a good match for them. They made that decision based on them and not her (or her and him together) whoever she may be.

Men are so stupid. That's why they marry these women and 5yrs later are paying all kinds of alimony and child support.

Or cheating sortly after marriage....

And long marriages mean nothing to me. Oh, it happened this way and they stayed married forever? Who cares lol

Please don't misunderstood my post: I think it's great that men are so stupid. I love it. I hope they keep being stupid. I just don't think any of this is "logical". This is right up there with "ego" and other mansensical, fantasy land crap. Like oh yes! Be cognizant of my ego, please, because it is very fragile. It is very important to take great care with it. Sure thing. I will live in this fantasy land with you, where we treat your ego like it's own person. No problem. But you do realize that this is a figment of your imagination, right?

I digress now

In all honesty love isn't logical but I think men are more logical than we are, in most cases. The "Waiting to be engaged" board is full of stories like that. The women on there so in love with their men and waiting for him to propose, even if their situations aren't right. Some are even PISSED that he hasn't proposed yet.

Their men, on the other hand, are waiting for practical items- such as getting a better job, saving enough money, and completing school before he proposes. Not just caught up in the emotion of "I love her."

 

[Zaynab]

I have a question for older married women. Tagging @Zaynab @hopeful @naturalgyrl5199 @Southernbella. and everyone else

Do you think men know who they want to marry from jump? I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to figure out if he should marry his girl of 3 years. It seemed strange to me because everyone I know said they knew from pretty early on. I would hate to have been with someone 3 years and he was still 'unsure'.

He's trying to decide if he wants to settle for her or keep looking as I'm sure he's been doing, regardless of whether he's in a relationship yet-a man that doesn't commit or make a plan to commit with you isn't decided on you, he's still looking. Hence, the countless times we see men up and get engaged/marry someone while they've been dating another person.

It has always been my experience that men know very early, earlier than women in fact, when you are the one they want to commit to. They will be very clear about it. It's funny because I know women who date men who are lukewarm with the commitment thing, dating aimlessly for years and then when they meet a man that is upfront and serious, it's like a lightbulb moment, like "wow this is what they mean when they say a man that wants you, WANTS you". Lukewarm men are the worst.

 

[movingforward13]

Funny you should say this. I think he likes someone else;she came by one day when the entire crew was out and the vibe changed and his BFF asked if 'this was her.'
I asked if he was going to marry his girlfriend and he said probably. After 3 years you say probably? Negro what?

I do not know why I am surprised. My male bestie broke up with his girl and was in a new relationship in 2 weeks. They been together 4 years now. Men are not rational.

This was her meaning the one? Well maybe he is trying to see how far things go with the new girl before leaving his girlfriend.

 

[qchelle]

I don't think it is logical? Not sure who those people are that think it is logical. Most people are quick to say "take your time/ don't rush" in my experience. I think any decisions made in that period is subjection to more infatuation than logical.

I agree. I know two men that are ready now and will marry the next woman they date, provided that things go well.
They are older and want someone to come home to. They had enough of playing around and don't want to date a whole bunch of people to figure out a good match for them. They made that decision based on them and not her (or her and him together) whoever she may be.
Or cheating sortly after marriage....

In all honesty love isn't logical but I think men are more logical than we are, in most cases. The "Waiting to be engaged" board is full of stories like that. The women on there so in love with their men and waiting for him to propose, even if their situations aren't right. Some are even PISSED that he hasn't proposed yet.

Their men, on the other hand, are waiting for practical items- such as getting a better job, saving enough money, and completing school before he proposes. Not just caught up in the emotion of "I love her."

What's the "waiting to be engaged" board? Is that a different forum? As for those women who wait for years and stupidly hope for engagement/ marriage to a man who is clearly not ready in any sense of the word, yea, I agree that's not logical either. But I wouldn't say those women were so in love with their man though...just the idea of being married..

 

[Shiks]

It has always been my experience that men know very early, earlier than women in fact, when you are the one they want to commit to. They will be very clear about it

I totally agree with this. I think he has been looking,but I thought that is just stuff men do to try and figure things out.

This was her meaning the one?

I dunno. The moment passed and I could not ask without this girl noticing. I doubt anything is happening between them because she lives somewhere else. He does seem to want to spend more time in her country for 'business'. My nice guy friend suddenly does not seem so nice.

But I wouldn't say those women were so in love with their man though...just the idea of being married..

Especially true in this culture. Marriage is seen as an achievement.

 

[Zaynab]

I don't think it is logical? Not sure who those people are that think it is logical. Most people are quick to say "take your time/ don't rush" in my experience. I think any decisions made in that period is subjection to more infatuation than logical.

I agree. I know two men that are ready now and will marry the next woman they date, provided that things go well.
They are older and want someone to come home to. They had enough of playing around and don't want to date a whole bunch of people to figure out a good match for them. They made that decision based on them and not her (or her and him together) whoever she may be.
Or cheating sortly after marriage....

In all honesty love isn't logical but I think men are more logical than we are, in most cases. The "Waiting to be engaged" board is full of stories like that. The women on there so in love with their men and waiting for him to propose, even if their situations aren't right. Some are even PISSED that he hasn't proposed yet.

Their men, on the other hand, are waiting for practical items- such as getting a better job, saving enough money, and completing school before he proposes. Not just caught up in the emotion of "I love her."

I do agree with this. But I also know that men usually let the woman know of the plan, e.g. move, job, school, etc. and it's clearly defined. That's the major difference, the lack of a plan to be engaged vs. endlessly dating until he decides he's ready which more than likely means he's looking. But honestly all of that aside, A man that wants to marry you will buy a ring at walmart and move into a one bedroom tent if he has to.

 

[movingforward13]

What's the "waiting to be engaged" board? Is that a different forum? As for those women who wait for years and stupidly hope for engagement/ marriage to a man who is clearly not ready in any sense of the word, yea, I agree that's not logical either. But I wouldn't say those women were so in love with their man though...just the idea of being married..

This is a different forum. Women who know their engagement is imminent hang out there. Others, who want to get engaged but their guys are dragging their feet are also on there.

 

[hopeful]

I have a question for older married women. Tagging @Zaynab @hopeful @naturalgyrl5199 @Southernbella. and everyone else

Do you think men know who they want to marry from jump? I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to figure out if he should marry his girl of 3 years. It seemed strange to me because everyone I know said they knew from pretty early on. I would hate to have been with someone 3 years and he was still 'unsure'.

Unless they have been long distance the entire time or are very young, I think most people would know if they want to marry or not.

 

[qchelle]

Unless they have been long distance the entire time or are very young, I think most people would know if they want to marry or not.

What's 'very young' in your example?

 

[hopeful]

What's 'very young' in your example?

Still in college/high school etc.

 

[Adonia1987]

I don't think it is logical? Not sure who those people are that think it is logical. Most people are quick to say "take your time/ don't rush" in my experience. I think any decisions made in that period is subjection to more infatuation than logical.

I agree. I know two men that are ready now and will marry the next woman they date, provided that things go well.
They are older and want someone to come home to. They had enough of playing around and don't want to date a whole bunch of people to figure out a good match for them. They made that decision based on them and not her (or her and him together) whoever she may be.
Or cheating sortly after marriage....

In all honesty love isn't logical but I think men are more logical than we are, in most cases. The "Waiting to be engaged" board is full of stories like that. The women on there so in love with their men and waiting for him to propose, even if their situations aren't right. Some are even PISSED that he hasn't proposed yet.

Their men, on the other hand, are waiting for practical items- such as getting a better job, saving enough money, and completing school before he proposes. Not just caught up in the emotion of "I love her."

Interesting conversation. I agree with your whole post. There is no logic in the way men go about deciding who is the one.
Being logical about picking who to marry would entail asking questions such as:
- How does he/she handles money?
- How does this person act when they are mad?....

I truly believe that 6 months isn't enough to study someone's character (especially when you're young). I also think that women focus too much on a man knowing right away they were "the one". It is great to meet a man who wants to get married but the most important question should be : "Is this man worth marrying?" For the ladies on that board the answer should be no because the men aren't committed to the relationship. How can they be committed to make the marriage work? They can't.

IME most people do not know what to look for in a husband and need more than a few months to make such a life changing decision. We give too much credit to that "I knew right away she was the one" sentence.

 

[movingforward13]

Interesting conversation. I agree with your whole post. There is no logic in the way men go about deciding who is the one.
Being logical about picking who to marry would entail asking questions such as:
- How does he/she handles money?
- How does this person act when they are mad?....

I truly believe that 6 months isn't enough to study someone's character (especially when you're young). I also think that women focus too much on a man knowing right away they were "the one". It is great to meet a man who wants to get married but the most important question should be : "Is this man worth marrying?" For the ladies on that board the answer should be no because the men aren't committed to the relationship. How can they be committed to make the marriage work? They can't.

IME most people do not know what to look for in a husband and need more than a few months to make such a life changing decision. We give too much credit to that "I knew right away she was the one" sentence.

I completely agree- which makes sense why our divorce rate is so high. I was there- I didn't evaluate if my ex husband was marriage material - if I did, things would have gone a completely different way.

 

[lux10023]

This!!!

Dh told me he did not renew his lease on his apt because he knew that the following year we were getting married

I didn't even know all that lolol

3 yrs, ***
After a year I would give dude some much needed space and make sure I'm not limiting myself to a maybe fh versus a yes fh!!!!

I'm not married but my father told my brothers that it takes less than 6 months for a serious man to figure out if you are the one. They give you time before they ask because they don't want to scare you by coming on too strong too quickly. Parents have been married 45 years.

 

[Fine 4s]

Man this convo is making me sad because my friend has been with him 4 years, he's 40 and no engagement or nothing to make her think that it's coming this year (maybe he's going to surprise her When my other friend and I speak about her situation we're like well maybe this year is the year...?we're all foolish I guess.

The thing is, if she leaves , she'll have to start all over again and that can take years. Getting over the love of her life, finding another that interests her and building towards marriage. That right there might put her at 39-40. She's ready to have a baby day before yesterday. I don't think she'd leave him now. Everything seems fine in their relationship.

Maybe he needs to do more than just promise to propose and marry. Maybe they need to take concrete steps to reassure her? What could those steps be? Could be a joint account saving for marriage, give her a date so she doesn't keep fretting? Idk. I'm sad for her though...

Please don't quote, she might be on the board lol

 

[Shiks]

The thing is, if she leaves , she'll have to start all over again and that can take years. Getting over the love of her life, finding another that interests her and building towards marriage.

If she stays she could still be in this position and bitter. He has shown her who he is. She had better listen!

 

[hopeful]

If she stays she could still be in this position and bitter. He has shown her who he is. She had better listen!

Right! She gon' be starting over sooner or later. Her choice.

 

[Browndilocks]

Going to a wedding on the east coast this weekend with someone who I do not want to continue dating. Damn my sorors. I plan on ending it when we return. Sucks cuz he's real cool but nah.

 

[Fine 4s]

Sooooooooo......is someone says they feel lucky to have found you, is that close to game changer? *gulp*

 

[LovingLady]

I have heard the phase so many times and each men is no where to be found. I personally wouldn't hold any weight to that phrase.

 

[Fine 4s]

@Browndilocks

Here's something to think about. A friend of mine wanted to break up with his [then] girlfriend but wanted to do it after V-day because he didn't want to appear mean. (these people are in their 50s btw). His close friend explained to him that that was even crueler. Because now, the person has the memories and feels good to only be let down later.
I've experienced this as well and there's always that thought about well....didn't you know BEFORE we traveled? Someone might lose money or be upset but in the long run, I say be honest and give him the choice to travel with you or not but still breakup.
Just a thought....

 

[Fine 4s]

@LovingLady

Thank you....I'm forgetting it.
Show me the money!!!!